Name: A Garbage Christmas Miracle! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Uploaded: 2025-12-24T17:01:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Garbage Christmas Miracle! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Garbage Christmas Miracle! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-24. Transcript available.

A Garbage Christmas Miracle! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is Are You Garbage?
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find
that it's a good to be naughty.
Yeah.
Or if they're just a big old piece of trash.
Ho, ho, ho!
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day, Christmas Day here
at Aunt Tootie's.
Uh-huh.
She, unfortunately, had a little too much Christmas cheer last night, so we
gave her a liquid IV and a Midol.
She's going to be sleeping until about dinnertime.
Okay.
So by the time the Beef Wellington's done, she'll be out.
Okay.
Make sure you get that Beef Wellington, by the way.
I got you.
My co-host is coming at you from across the table, our very own Santa Claus
around here,
the international businessman himself, new dad, kippy of the year, Kevin James
Ryan, everybody.
What up, gang?
Shout out to you.
As always, thanks for tuning in.
Thanks for a wonderful year, by the way.
Happy holidays to everybody.
Can't thank all the bozos and the homies.
Enough.
You're really taking the legs out for my thank you.
Sorry.
He's a guy who could have thanked him, but didn't.
I thank him.
He cut me out.
Classic H Foley.
Wouldn't want it any other way than had that.
Buckman's back.
Please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
Also, full video available over there on Spotify, baby.
Middle of the charts.
Middle of the charts.
That's how you doing.
It's cool.
Season's greetings.
Then, obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com.
Go over there.
You get all that holiday cheer, gang.
That's right.
And it wouldn't be a family Christmas episode if we didn't take a little stop
by the corner office
who's doubled up in occupancy.
We got our good pal, new guy, Luke, and Mr. Ryan Diesel, head of operations.
Hey, gang.
Hey, boys.
Head director of operations right here next to me, going over the numbers.
Loving it.
Great Q4.
Good job, boys.
Good to see you.
Diesel, you want to say hi?
I did.
Hey, everybody.
How you doing?
Man, smooth as butter, that kid.
That's why we love him.
Gang, we're here for-
Call him 80 grit.
Gang, we're here for our Christmas episode.
We can't wish everybody enough happy Christmas wishes to everyone.
We love you very much.
Are you on the fritz or something?
What are you talking about?
What a nice time.
I'm waiting for my prezzies.
Sure.
Do you like my-
This is last year.
This is last year's jacket.
It's real big.
It didn't button last year.
And now I went with the sleeves.
I feel like-
Don Johnson.
Christmas Seinfeld.
Hey, Don.
Or Steve Buscemi-
What's the deal with Jews?
No, I'm kidding.
I might have to-
Steve Buscemi in Sopranos when he got out of prison.
Remember he was wearing the old thing?
I remember, yeah.
Hey, Sopranos reference.
You ever seen that?
Yeah.
Wow.
Okay.
You know what I was thinking about today?
I thought it would make-
It's a Christmas miracle, gang.
We made it two and a half minutes.
I thought it would make a really sharp tweet, but I'm not a tweet guy.
I'm not a writer.
You know what I mean?
I don't work the tweets.
Like, the X.
That's what the kids call it now.
Mm-hmm.
You know, I usually go there for my two-minute films.
Sure.
Let's see what's going on down south.
It's going to be a sad day one day when people don't get Godfather references.
That would have been my tweet.
Think that it would have been viral?
Punch it up and throw it up there.
Whatever you want to do, it's fine.
Can we get to the presents?
I think we're going to pass.
Sure.
Yeah, we can get to the presents.
So, as you know, if you've been following the show since the beginning or have
gone back
and watched the Christmas episodes, the Christmas episodes have been a very
kind of thermometer
of the year and our lives at that point.
Okay.
You know what I mean?
Sure.
The first year, I remember I bought everybody's gift at the CVS.
I think it was like, you got a pack of Matchbox cars and-
I still have that dental floss.
Some candy or something like that.
Cochrane?
Some candy?
Do they sell them there?
I do.
I don't know if you ever-
I was like looking for the Loterman or something like that.
I made the wrong turn.
Ended up in fucking Adam and Eve land.
I've been very curious about this whole butt plug wave that's going on these
days.
Not for my side.
It's interesting.
You mean not for yourself?
You can't be very curious and then go, not for myself.
It's interesting.
Uh-huh.
Sometimes bros are wearing it to dinner and stuff like that.
Sure.
You know?
Is that why you're on the fridge right now?
You got something.
Damn it!
Diesel!
I said medium!
Yeah, you're present.
Christmas came early for the big man.
Adam and Eve next day delivered.
Also came rectally.
He hit that prostrate.
I don't know what you want from me.
Sure, of course.
So this year, we've decided, you know, we did the thing where we've spent a lot
of money.
We've done this.
We've done this.
We've done-
That sounds like a dad about to cancel Christmas.
Listen, I felt very dad.
I felt it this year.
I did my shopping for you guys this morning, cursing the whole way.
Nothing's wrapped, and you're lucky you get what you got.
Straight C, report card.
That's where I'm at.
Y'all fucking ungrateful bastards.
Everybody breaking my fucking stones.
That's awesome.
I'm the only guy going to work every day.
I finally felt like it's come full, so I'm on the other side of all of those
Christmases I've had.
Where you're just like, dude, if I was still in the heaters right now, you guys
would be opening it up.
I'd look like Mel Gibson with the heaters going, hey, go for it.
Wasn't that on Oprah?
I don't know what that was on.
What do you think you're getting this year from the fam?
From my family?
Socks, ties, shit like that?
Yeah, probably nothing, man.
We've been, you know, he's teething.
We haven't had a minute to fucking think about nothing, so I don't know.
But you're probably going to get something from your wife that says from Lil' Kipperino.
Probably.
Which is cute.
I would assume so, or maybe nothing, or maybe it's like the printout of
something going,
this is what we were going to get you.
I don't fucking know.
I just got to get me to fucking 2026.
Let me get out of this fucking shake the cobwebs loose.
That being said, we each picked a store that represents us to buy the gifts for
the rest
of the family members, right?
So mine, as King of the Burbs, all my gifts were purchased at Home Depot.
Love it.
Which, we'll get into it as we start breaking it to Home Depot.
It's just the place to be.
You think so?
It really is.
It really is.
I'm a Target man as well.
That might shift to Home Depot, because Home Depot's got a lot of the home
stuff that Target
also has.
Yes.
But then you got lumber.
That's what I'm saying.
Get all the good stuff.
Get all the heavy duty stuff.
I have to say this.
I'm not a homeowner.
Okay?
I don't have a family.
All right.
Somebody got into the eggnog a little quick.
Someone went dark with the henny.
I know you guys are all mad at me.
I guess I'm going to be the bad guy in this one.
Uh-huh.
Flip the table.
Out of all the department stores, now you know that I'm a sucker for walking in
Bloomingdale's
and I get, you don't like it, but I get the ladies' perfume counter.
I like that.
Takes me back, especially around this time of the year.
No other department store or store, big box store, what we call it, you know,
businessmen
call it.
Uh-huh.
Nothing smells better than a Home Depot.
Sure.
That wood smell.
Which I was a little upset.
Fresh cut wood.
I went to the one on 23rd Street.
Ah, that's a rip.
It's close, but not the same.
They got, there's nothing better.
It's like an old bank.
Then walking into the big one, you know, you're out back, you smell a
fertilizer.
I ain't got no fertilizer at that fucking place.
Goddamn, you know, explosive restriction.
Good AYG question would be, when you walk into a Home Depot, do you walk
through the main
door or do you walk through the gardening section?
That's funny.
No way.
I always walk through there, grab a little fertilizer, pop them in.
It's only styrofoam in there.
I never got that.
Is that what that is?
No.
The white stuff.
I don't think so.
I always thought it was Folger's Crystals.
Were Folger's Crystals white?
Yeah.
I've never seen them.
Really?
That had aged out by the time we, you know, that was 80s shit.
I'm a 90s guy.
Those cancer lawsuits came quick.
Sure.
Settlements swept it under the rug.
Keep it moving.
Christmas came early for a couple of guys.
All right.
So let's get into it.
Okay.
I want to do Diesel first.
Let's do the Ds.
Diesel, come on over.
So you had Home Depot.
I bought all my gifts at Home Depot.
Luke, classy guy that he is, has Nordstrom, which if you don't know Nordstrom,
it's like
a nicer Bloomingdale's or whatever.
Macy's?
Maybe on the same par?
It's a little high.
I think it's higher than Macy's, lower than Bloomy's.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I mean, I didn't go to a Bloomingdale's until I was in my 20s.
I don't know.
I don't know enough about them.
It's nice.
A higher end.
Right.
Clancy guy.
Higher end department store.
And Diesel, you had what?
Tony Di DiNopoli, the family-style Italian restaurant on 61st Street?
William Sonoma.
Whoa!
I know him.
Very nice.
I know his brother, Steven Sonoma.
Gary Sonoma.
Okay.
So Diesel, come on over.
And I got Toys R Us.
And I'm sorry.
Big Man had Toys R Us.
Big Man got everybody toys.
Some to represent themselves.
You know what I mean?
When I was in Toys R Us, which I went to Macy's in Herald Square, I was getting
wrapped.
And she goes, how old are they?
And I'm like, how old's who?
He's like, the toys.
For my bald, fat friends.
We do a podcast.
These are all for grown men.
Deez, give me a high five.
Merry Christmas, pal.
Merry Christmas, boys.
First of all, thank you for a fantastic year.
And also, you don't get an on-camera appearance fee, by the way.
Everybody got their Christmas bonuses.
That's how you know we're doing well.
It went in a wire.
I didn't have to take out cash this year.
Yeah.
That's how you know things are changing.
Yeah, it was pretty good.
So how do you want to do it?
Do you want him to give his first?
Whatever you want to do.
I'm down for whatever.
You let's do yours, and then we'll give you ours.
Okay, yeah.
So you open yours.
These are all from the gift-giving brain of Ryan D.
Ryan D.
So Kippy will be first.
Okay.
Kippy is not an easy purchase because he's a man who, if he needs something to
buy.
I see the crumbled up receipts in it.
It's a Wawa receipt.
I see sizzling.
I can smell a sizzling from a mile away.
The spoon was used to make a sauce this morning.
Now, Kippy, if you were cooking something at home, what would that be?
Let's say it's summertime.
It's a nice day outside.
What are you doing?
Probably his latest insults for me.
Someone.
Someone's getting a personal.
If I was cooking something, it might be a pizza?
Scrambies.
It might be a pizza.
Uh-huh.
It might be a pizza.
It might be a pizza.
What would you need to be cooking?
I don't like, you're making, you're giving me a lot of pressure of guessing
right.
Weird vibes.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Very nice.
And it's crumpled.
So what was that?
20% off?
It came from the as-is bin.
It's a square pizza cutter.
It's a pair of socks.
One's black, one's blue.
Oh, very nice.
You got your olive wood pizza tool gift set.
Bake and serve artisan pizzas like a pro, like I do.
With our specialized tool designed in-house for the ultimate performance,
each features a contoured handle crafted of sustainability harvested olive wood.
Is olive wood nice?
Olive wood is very nice.
Is it really?
Yes, it is.
Do you know it?
I do.
So they get the olives and they cut down the tree?
Yeah.
Huh.
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