Name: Gift Card Ballers! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Uploaded: 2026-01-05T00:00:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gift Card Ballers! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gift Card Ballers! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley' from AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-05. Transcript available.

Gift Card Ballers! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Hear ye, hear ye, all our friends to the north up there in Canada.
The boys are crossing the border and we're coming over, baby.
Yeah, January 9th, we're going to be at the Queen Elizabeth Theater in Toronto,
Ontario.
Limited tickets left. Get them while they last.
Then we got Austin, Tampa, Chicago, Indiana, Nashville, Pittsburgh, and
Cleveland.
All tickets available at RUGarbage.com. We'll see yous on the road.
See you, hosers.
Welcome to another exciting edition of RU Garbage,
the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals
or absolute trash.
Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is RU Garbage.
Hey, yeah.
It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that
they're going to be classy.
Yeah.
They're just a big old piece of trash.
Trash, trash, trash.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a glorious day.
We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition.
She's hitting it really hard this year.
Okay.
Down there at the Cheetah Club.
Okay.
It's a new ladies' fitness club.
It's not nefarious.
It's not a strip club.
Okay.
It's a strip club.
All right, yeah, I picked up on it.
She's dancing.
Pole dancing.
Pole dancing.
That's good for your core strength.
It's good for your core strength.
Uh-huh.
She wants to put one in here.
Okay.
Yeah.
Shake what you're shaking your tail feather.
I don't want to come in and catch you spinning around on that thing upside down
with a dollar bill in your mouth.
One in your butt cheeks.
Playing pick-up stick.
Sounds like you do want to see it.
My co-host is coming at you from across the table.
It's what we call a family episode.
Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies for 2026.
Give it up for KJ.
Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
What up, gang?
Shout out to you.
As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Full video available on YouTube.
Also, full video available over there on Spotify, and the boys are in the
middle of the road.
Yes, we are.
That's what we like doing.
We're not show-offs.
No.
We're not these guys that come and climb the charts.
Uh-huh.
We pick away at it.
Pick away at it.
We're selling albums.
We're doing shows.
We're doing all right.
Yeah.
Are we the biggest guys in the world?
No.
Are we the smallest?
No, we are not.
No.
Are we having a good time?
We're having a good time.
Do we love the homies and the bozos?
Of course.
We do.
That's why you go over there.
If you want more content, if you want more of this great content that we put up,
go over
there.
Patreon.com.
www.patreon.com.
The regiment.
You go over there.
You get up to three bajillion hours.
That's what I just got in.
The reports came in three bajillion hours worth of bonus content.
That's for comedic purposes, and they're not legally bound to provide three bajillion
hours.
Absolutely.
Uh-huh.
We're a van tour band.
We're doing our thing.
Yeah, we do our thing.
We got a couple of hits.
Nothing that popped up in the billboard yet.
No.
But I got to come working on a couple right now.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
We're going to be those guys when you look back in 20 years.
Remember that?
They were great.
They had some good stuff.
I loved them.
We haven't-
We're not going to be introducing the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Maybe.
We're not going to have the top floor like Bon Jovi had, which, by the way, if
you've
been there in Cleveland, will be in Cleveland.
Get your tickets.
Shout out to it.
That top floor, me and Diesel were in there.
Fucking- I'm not a Bon Jovi fan.
That turned us into a Bon Jovi fan.
That guy seen a million faces, and he rocked them all.
He sold- who said that?
He said that?
That's a good quote.
That's- that's- that's on his song.
We're Eddie Money.
Eddie Money sold 28 million records, but you wouldn't know it.
He was just a hard-working kid from Brooklyn.
He did not sell 28 million records.
Let's- let's clear that out.
Just think, if he even got a dollar at 28 million cash, that's not talking
about the
tour.
Sure.
Shout out to Eddie Money.
Mm-hmm.
I spent easy money.
Shout out to-
It's a good film.
Maybe that's why we're not at the top of the charts.
We're giving Eddie Money shout-outs.
We are contractually obligated on family episodes to stop by and talk to the
owner's son who
works here.
No, I've pushed back.
He's- they're no longer the owner.
I've looked at those- that paperwork was all bunk.
I was drunk when I signed it.
Back of a McDonald's receipt.
You know, they say that's why, um, Cole, whatever his name was-
Amels.
No.
In True Detective.
That's why he drank, because no matter anything he said, would have been admissible
in court.
The word I'm learning recently.
Mm-hmm.
Admissible.
That's good.
Luke Dempsey.
Happy to be back in Q1.
Uh-huh.
Excited.
We took tooties off the books.
Yes, we did.
Q1's looking great now.
Oh, you took tooties off the books.
I'm like Portnoy.
I bought it back for a dollar.
Take that, Dempsey Group.
The kid's back.
Back on top.
Middle of the curve.
Eddie Money.
The Eddie Money of podcasting.
We're just going to be ourselves again.
You want a collared shirt.
Really attacking Q1.
Thank you.
You are a businessman.
Well, I got to set myself up.
Now, you're going to ask me for something.
I know that.
I see this coming down.
No.
Like, pew, pew.
Lunch after this wouldn't kill me.
Yeah.
I'll tell you what I wanted to ask before we get into the Qs.
Shout out to all the bozos and homies out there.
Q1.
Freshen it up.
Yeah.
Something's going on because, Q1, you were sitting at the table eight minutes
before we started.
Hey, man.
Just a new me.
Got a bit of a toot on him.
That's not true.
I think I'm very delightful around the office.
I made a joke and you went, hmm.
Maybe it wasn't that funny of a joke.
I get it.
Oh, yeah.
I was getting some of the fluff out.
Called your secretary a bitch.
Uh-huh.
No, I wouldn't say that.
You just did.
No.
I wouldn't say that to anybody.
I don't have a secretary.
Yeah, you do.
Who's the hot kid out there?
He's a shark.
Mark the shark.
Listen, I'm going to get pushback on this.
Not for me.
It's 2026.
We need to class it up.
Sure about that?
We need to class it up a little bit.
And I don't mean in here.
We're going to always be trashy.
I have been doing something lately in a non-annoying, non-patronizing way that
I think it'd be cool if we kind of brought this back.
I don't want to say it.
It's about me.
No.
Okay.
What's it have to do with?
Over the last few weeks, especially if somebody's like, you know, I've been
calling everybody, sir, lately, even more than I did.
A lot of times it was somebody older or somebody in the military or a cop or
whatever.
Thank you, sir.
But I've been kind of doing it for everybody, especially, like I remember when
I was Christmas shopping, there was a guy that was taking out the trash.
And we met our contacts.
How you doing, sir?
I said, how you doing?
Good to see you.
Makes people feel good.
Sir, we should get back into that.
Okay.
As gentlemen.
Now, you're a madman guy.
I'm into it, but I feel like it's also calling a woman ma'am sometimes.
I do agree with that.
What is that bullshit?
It's not about age, man.
It's about respect.
It's about acknowledging each other.
I'm not.
That we're all professional people.
We're all out there doing our goddamn best with what we got.
You fucking pieces of shit.
Jesus Christ.
Q1.
Wound tight.
No.
Okay.
You just went off on a dialogue and started screaming.
I know you don't like it.
I'm not.
Also, any black guys out there, I call everybody brother, just so you know.
I just want that stated, because sometimes that gets in my head.
I do the same thing.
I call everybody brother.
I do the same thing.
I love it.
I got to push back, though.
You can't jump between brother and sir.
So, there's something.
Something's rotten in the state of Hank over here.
No.
I just think so.
You can't say I call everybody brother, and I also call people sir.
So, you're choosing.
No, I'm not.
And who gets it.
I'll tell you.
Okay, ready?
We just walked into a place.
Brother.
We just walked into a place.
I just walked into a place.
What kind of place?
Am I there?
You work there.
I work there?
Yes.
You work there.
Things are going to be a Q1 is bad.
I'm a, I don't know.
A famous entertainer.
Okay.
Let's go with that.
All right.
Let me see if I can get there.
Okay.
All right.
Diesel.
My scarf.
And what am I?
Some sort of, uh, some sort of maitre d?
No.
Not yet.
More of a back waiter.
No, I'm in a retail store.
And I'm working.
Okay.
I'm not even a maitre d.
I have a nice joint.
I'm working retail.
You're working retail?
I'm back in Macy's.
What's wrong with retail?
I'm nothing.
But I, that I'd rather be, I'd rather be quarterbacking a fucking, what, the Jets
or something?
No.
A nice fucking restaurant.
You don't have an arm.
A nice restaurant.
Have I ever seen you throw in a football?
Can you throw a football?
Sure.
Can you shoot a basket?
Yeah.
I would beat you in basketball a hundred times out of a hundred.
Whoa.
Take it easy, glory days.
No, that's not glory.
You, no, you just asked me like a high school bully.
Can you even shoot a basketball?
No, no, no.
I was hoping that you.
As a guy with active poop in his pants.
No.
Hold on a second.
First of all, I told you not to say nothing about that.
You need.
I'm still in my no underwear phase.
Can I, can I bring up, so this is a little more, a little more hard feelings,
but we're
we're done hard feelings for the week.
Hold on a second.
What?
I need you to.
Okay.
Look, can I work at a restaurant?
Can I be, can I be, can I be the guy call, shot caller at a restaurant?
A hostess?
No.
Shot caller, obviously.
One of gallows.
I don't go to restaurants that have maitre d's.
I go to restaurants that have college broads working there during the break.
Yeah.
We've all been to Twin Peaks.
All right, tough guy.
What's Twin Peaks?
Okay.
What's that?
The famous TV show from the eighties with.
The lollipop.
Club.
I like the lollipop club.
Uh-huh.
Listen.
I'm trying.
I come in.
One-on-one, me versus you.
I come in.
First, make it, take it.
Hi, how can I help?
11.
11, nothing's a shutout.
Ready?
21.
Win by two.
Say hi, how can I help you?
Oh my God, you're that guy from that podcast I love with Kippy.
What's your name again?
I'm Andy Garbage.
I forgot about Andy Garbage.
Can you play along?
Can you take direction?
Can you?
Yes.
It's a comedy podcast.
You're trying to do fucking serious scenes.
Can you take directions by riffing in the moment?
Go ahead.
What?
Hey, how you doing?
Hey, what's up, sir?
Hey, how are you?
No, no, no, no.
You can't say sir first.
You stink.
Fuck.
You can't say sir first.
How do you get a job like this?
How do I get a job like this?
I have to work very hard.
You're the maitre d'.
You're the maitre d' of the New York Jets.
That's how you comedy podcast.
You direct the defensive tackles.
Swing and miss.
Luke Isom.
No, without a script.
Hey, give me a hey, how you doing?
Hey, how you doing?
How are you doing, sir?
We have a reservation.
You're a nervous guy, huh?
You don't belong here.
Bounce him.
Come on.
This is bullshit.
A guy like you, clearly you don't have a reservation.
All right, let's do it.
You don't probably have any cash on you either.
Let's do it again.
Nice joint like this.
Let's do it again.
Do it again.
Uh-huh.
But you can't say sir.
You have to say, hey, how can I help you?
Hey, how can I help you?
Hey, how are you, sir?
Good to see you.
Yeah, the bathrooms are for customers only.
Well, fuck you then.
I was here last week, jerk off.
All right, give me a soda or something.
How much is the water?
Got that bottled shit.
Anyway, since you can't do a scene.
I'm killing.
What are you talking about?
Yeah, but you're killing in the wrong way.
You're making your scene partner look stupid.
No.
You're supposed to set me up.
My scene partner.
You're supposed to set me up.
My scene partner is stupid.
You're the setup guy.
I'm the spike man.
I'm killi