Name: Stand Up Five!
Uploaded: 2007-09-12T16:56:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stand Up Five!' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2007-09-12. Transcript available. A special 9/11 command performance. Hope you enjoy. Thanks again!

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stand Up Five!' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2007-09-12. Transcript available. A special 9/11 command performance. Hope you enjoy. Thanks again!

Welcome to the stage now. One of my favorite people and bestest pals in the
entire world.
Oh yeah, he's good. He's awesome.
Uh, you can see him. He has a television show called Tim and Eric's Awesome
Show.
Good job. Great job.
Fucking gay title.
Anyway, here he comes. His name is Tim and Eric.
Tim Hayekker. Tim Hayekker. Coming to the stage right now.
Thank you, Denver. Thank you, uh...
Hey, uh, I want to, uh, before we begin, I just want to call out to get quiet,
please.
Um, I want to thank, uh, Brian from the Comedy Store for coming down and
checking out my set.
And, can you just be quiet? Everyone be quiet, please.
And now I'll start my set.
Ah, shit.
You guys, uh, Melissa, can you introduce me again?
I so... Sorry, Brian.
Hey, Billy, where you're at?
Just, like, one of my best friends.
Um, hey, everybody from Tim and Eric's Awesome Show, Good Job, on Cartoon
Network's Adult Swim,
it's Tim Hayekker!
Hey, Kelly!
Oh, thanks so much, guys, for coming tonight.
Uh, hey, by the way, before I get into, uh, my set,
how many people here saw that Britney Spears business that was, um,
somebody sent me a link,
somebody sent me a link this morning, uh, on YouTube,
and I did get a chance to watch it,
and I was, you know, I thought to myself,
if you're gonna go on television,
first of all, practice!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Uh...
Um...
Um...
Okay.
Um, so tonight, uh, I know today's, well...
I'm sorry.
Uh, so today is the sixth anniversary of 9-11,
which got me thinking today,
9-11, 7-11,
because I always have to go to 7-11 on my way home.
Uh, I...
The first question I had was,
this is a 24-hour store?
First of all,
how do they even get it cleaned?
In other words,
if a store's gonna be open,
if the, uh,
if a store's open till a certain period of time,
at some point,
you gotta close it down just so you can clean it.
So...
So...
But...
The, uh...
I was in there the other day,
7-11,
and this asshole behind the counter
says to me,
first of all,
he's Arabic, right?
So he's...
First thing I say,
I gotta buy cigarettes for my wife.
And I go up and I say,
um...
And I say,
can I get a pack of Marble Lights?
And he says,
what kind of cigarettes do you want?
What kind of cigarettes do you want?
And I said,
what?
Excuse me?
What country?
What country are we in?
Um...
But it sucks,
because there's a couple,
there's tons of problems with 7-11.
Mostly,
though,
if you're trying to get soda there,
I don't know if anyone's gotten soda there,
it's,
if you get a slushie,
a slurpees,
you get,
it's only Pepsi.
So,
I don't know,
how many people here like Pepsi?
Yeah, exactly.
Because,
I'm a Coke man.
And it really is true.
I think if you poll America,
you'd find it's a 50-50 split.
Just like the Democrats,
just like the Republicans.
You're either a Coke person,
or you're a Pepsi person.
Are you with me?
Let's hear it for Coke.
Yeah,
it's just,
it's great.
It's a yin-yang thing,
and it's true.
I mean,
just for example,
the other day,
I was with my,
I was over at my manager's house,
and we're watching TV,
hanging out,
having a snack,
and I go into the kitchen
to get myself a drink,
and there's nothing but Pepsi
in the fridge.
And I go,
Mark,
you know I like Coke,
so if you know I'm coming over,
just get some Coke.
Thank you.
But it's an everyday thing,
because the other day,
I went to the movies,
and this bitch behind the counter,
I say,
I said,
can I get a Coke?
And she says,
well,
we only have Pepsi.
It's like the 7-Eleven bit.
I said,
well,
I don't want Pepsi,
I want Coke.
Thank you.
But it's not,
I'm sorry about it.
Sorry.
Anyway,
I don't want to talk,
talk your ear off about soda,
but there's one more thing
I want to talk about is,
you know,
it's like every other week,
they come out with a new soda,
right?
What was last week's,
or what was the recent least?
Sierra Mist.
And I feel like going to them guys,
I liked your soda before,
when it was called 7-Up.
Thank you.
Can I hear it?
But anyway,
I think the point is,
you know,
I love the Sierra,
I love Sierra Miss Ad Canteen,
with the comedians who I respect,
who are in the commercials,
and I wonder if,
it would have been better
if there were more commercials
like that for soda.
For example,
if everybody remembers this one
from the 1970s,
and it went like,
a little bit like this.
I'd like to teach the world
to sing
in perfect harmony.
This is for the 9-11 survivors.
And now the world
can sing the song
in perfect harmony.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Good night.
Thank you.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, thanks, Tim.
Tim Heidecker, everyone.
He's leaving the stage now.
There it goes.
Tim Heidecker, everyone.
Come on.
Give him a hug.
Thank you.