Name: Tim Heidecker Stand Up Nine - Part 1
Uploaded: 2011-04-25T18:13:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Heidecker Stand Up Nine - Part 1' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-04-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Heidecker Stand Up Nine - Part 1' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-04-25. Transcript available.

Hi, my name is Mark, and I am introducing the next act.
It is, he is a good friend of mine.
He's been here a couple times before, and he's kind of changed his setup a
little bit.
He's evolving as a comedian, and he's, I think,
I think he's gravitating more towards the intellectual and thought-provoking.
Please give it up for my good friend, Tim Heidecker.
Hey, everybody, how's it going, huh?
All right, can I hear somebody from the one on the left?
How about on the right?
Hey, happy Easter, everybody.
Can I say that, by the way?
Can I get away with that right now?
Can I say happy Easter?
Is anybody going to get fucking offended if I say happy Easter right now?
Is the thought police going to come and take me away?
Take me away, thought police.
Not going to let you do it this time, because you can't get,
there's some rights that I get to hold on to.
So happy Easter.
Doesn't it feel good to hear somebody say that for once?
Happy Easter.
That's funny, I was thinking today, well, how did Easter all of a sudden become
so secular?
How did it become?
How did it become so much about eggs and chocolate and Easter bunnies?
It's all these government bureaucrats who get involved and stuff, messing
around with our traditions, Christian traditions.
I almost imagine a scenario where, you know, imagine this, some government
bureaucrat office in Washington, D.C.
Some guy comes in and goes,
Excuse me, Mr. Excuse me, oh, sorry.
Fuck.
That's right.
Check this out.
Excuse me, Mr. Miller?
Yes, what is it?
Can't you see I'm running taxes?
Yes, well, Father Miller wants to celebrate Easter, which is the Christ's
resurrection.
And he goes,
Well, that sounds like a bit of a conflict of interest with the church and
state.
And he goes,
Well,
Well, what if it was just a chocolate Easter eggs?
Yeah.
And that's true.
But that happens.
It seriously happens.
And people laugh.
And they think,
Oh, it's not a big deal.
It's still my country.
But here's my message to the politicians and all the bureaucrats out there.
Get the fuck out of my house.
Stay the...
Yeah.
Stay the fuck out of my face.
Stay the fuck out of my life.
Hold on a second.
Stay the fuck out of my life.
I say these bureaucrats.
Stay the fuck out of my life.
Can I hear it?
Stay the fuck out of my life.
Great.
It's everywhere I go, though.
It's like,
I have a personal...
I like to think I have a personal border around myself.
And I like it that way.
I like who I am.
I like my personal property.
And I don't like people fucking around with it.
Okay?
Sorry.
Okay?
For example,
the other day,
I go to one of these burger...
Uh, restaurant...
Uh, burger...
Uh, fast food...
Uh, fast food places.
And I say,
can I just get a cheeseburger?
Can I get a regular burger?
And this guy behind the counter,
this fucking dick behind the counter,
goes,
well, we only have veggie burgers.
I go,
what?
I said,
just want a regular cheeseburger
with meat and cheese and bun
and whatever else.
There's an economist on it.
And he goes,
oh,
I want to have veggie burger.
There's...
There's...
And how many people here
have been in a car dealership lately?
It's unbelievable.
It's like,
when I grew up,
there was,
we used to have
the Mercury Cougar
and the GTO
and the Trans Am
and man cars.
I'm talking about
car...
Man cars.
And now,
I go to the guy...
I go to buy a car
and the guy...
I go say to the guy,
can we...
Can I get a car
that's got some serious
gas mileage
or some serious,
um,
speed?
Not gas mileage.
Can we get something for...
Can I get something
that's got some muscle?
You know,
it's like a race car.
I'll get you a Trans Am.
And he goes,
well,
we only have,
uh,
uh,
electric car...
electric cars.
I go,
what the fuck
is an electric car?
He goes,
well,
the government says
we're not allowed
to have cars anymore
that have power or speed
or you can't go drive fast,
you can't go far.
With these cars,
you have to have electric cars,
you have to plug it
into your own house.
I go,
what?
It's like,
I want to tell the government,
stay the fuck out of my life.