Name: Tim and Gelman have Lunch
Uploaded: 2011-09-05T18:49:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim and Gelman have Lunch' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-09-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim and Gelman have Lunch' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-09-05. Transcript available.

I am so sorry I'm about a half hour late.
Don't worry about it.
It's okay.
Good to see you, buddy.
Good to see you.
How are you doing?
Good, good.
Hey.
Can I get you something to drink?
It's free, you fucking moron.
You know, this is free.
I got something for you.
Some mints up there, candies.
Hard candies are actually pretty good.
Yeah, yeah.
You can get them from up front.
You're supposed to get them on the way out.
I get them on the way in.
I got your variety here, sir.
Okay.
Muchas gracias.
De nada.
Yeah.
Funny stuff.
Funny stuff.
Yeah.
So, can I get a coffee?
A coffee?
So what's going on?
What are you talking about?
I got a set tonight.
Me too.
You know.
Trying out some new stuff.
What are you doing?
Thank you.
What are you doing your thing?
I'm doing Funnies at 7:00 tonight.
I'm doing their new comics night in the small room.
There are a lot of comics, a lot of people starting out.
It's a great night.
I mean, for a Tuesday, it's probably one of the better nights in the valley.
So you should check it out.
Wow, that's great.
Yeah.
I'm going up at Funnies at 5:30, and then I've got to run over to Smiles and do
it at 5:40.
You're going Funnies tonight at 5:30?
Yeah.
No, I don't need anything else.
What else do I need?
Hey, can you magically turn this tablecloth into something fucking edible?
Yeah.
How about $1,000?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ugh.
Actually, we could get some more paper towels.
Yeah.
I've been working on something now that I am so fucking happy with.
It's an opening.
Really?
Yeah, absolutely.
Because your old opening is great.
The old opening I threw away.
Oh.
I used to come out there and fart around and do crowd work and get to my middle
chunk,
which is really good and really funny.
But I never had a great opening that said, "Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
Here I am.
This is who I am.
This is the kind of guy I am."
Right.
I would do stuff that was funny.
Okay.
And I would do stuff that was sort of, this is the kind of guy I am.
Right.
But I was never able to meld those two things together into a funny, this is
who I am kind
of guy.
It happened two weeks ago.
I get up on stage and I say, "Ladies and gentlemen, how are you doing?
My name is Tim Heidecker.
Glad, happy to be here.
Before I start, can everyone turn off your cell phone?"
Right.
And everyone goes, "Is he serious?
What is he doing?"
I go, "You know why?
The other week I'm doing my set and this guy, this guy's phone rings."
Shit.
And he starts saying, "Uh..."
I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
I'm sorry.
Take it.
No, no, no.
Take the call.
No, no, no.
Keep going with your story.
I'm not going to take that.
Take the call.
It'll stop.
Turn the ringer off.
It's fine.
I need to know.
Okay.
All right.
Even if I don't answer.
Thank you.
So, continue.
Before I start, I need everybody to turn their fucking cell phones off.
The place goes...
You should've seen everybody.
They go...
They go...
I swear to God, you could've dropped a pin in there.
No laughs.
I just do this.
I'm doing this.
Yeah.
Looking at everybody going...
There you go.
You gonna get that?
And the place blows up.
I mean...
Shit.
Get the call.
Hey, Greg.
I'm all right.
How you doing?
You were telling me on the phone on my drive over here about the traffic thing
you're doing
or something like that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got a whole bunch of material on traffic.
I got like 45...
New stuff?
What?
I don't know that you had stuff on traffic.
Oh, my God.
I could do a whole fucking album on traffic.
Are you kidding me?
I got at least 45 minutes on traffic.
You're telling me you've done traffic stuff?
I never heard it.
I've got a safe deposit box where I keep my jokes.
That's very funny.
Yeah.
That's very good.
What do you want to hear first?
The story that the bit's based on or the actual bit?
Tell me the story first and then I can get a sense of where the bit comes from.
Right, right.
I'm driving the other day and I'm at a stoplight.
All of a sudden, it goes from red to green.
As stoplights have a tendency to do now and then.
Thanks for the memo.
Yeah.
All of a sudden, this old bitch just starts walking out in front of my car.
Unbelievable.
I say, you know, I know you're about to die soon, but that don't mean that I
got to sit
here and wait for that to happen.
That's smart.
You stupid bitch.
Yeah.
That's fucking smart.
Yeah.
I built a bit out of that.
Yeah.
This is the story.
That's the story.
Want to hear the bit?
Tell me the bit.
Goes a little something like this.
So the other day, I'm driving down the street and I get to a stoplight.
It's red.
Stoplight goes from red to green.
And stoplights have a tendency to do.
That's funny.
Okay.
So I'm ready to go.
Ready to go right through that fucking stoplight, man.
But all of a sudden, what happens?
This old bitch crosses right in front of my car.
I go, hey, I know you're about to die soon, but that don't mean that I got to
stop and
wait for it.
You fucking bitch.
Oh, love that.
It's good.
I'm going to try it out tonight.
It's funny stuff.
What do you do that in the middle?
Huh?
You do that in the middle?
I'm trying to do impressions.
I got to tell you, I'm having the hardest time.
What are you talking about?
You're a master.
Yeah, I got a couple that I'm pretty happy with.
I'm going to try doing some tonight.
They've gone over pretty well.
I got to prep for it.
You're going to love this.
Oh.
Jack Nicholson.
Let me get it.
I don't think I like the look of you, Batman.
From Joker.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here's my De Niro.
Here's my De Niro.
You see my De Niro?
Yeah, I have.
Who are you talking to?
You talking to me?
Have you ever seen my Pacino?
This gets laughed.
Oh, no, no, I have seen it, but do it again.
Don't you listen to me, you creep.
I'm going to knock you to the wall.
All you do is just raise your mouth up a little bit.
Please?
Yeah.
That's actually a good De Niro if you do that for De Niro.
Let's do some cold calls.
Yeah, let's do it.
We've got a couple stored here from home.
Yes, Tim Heidecker for Meg Ryan, please.
Well, I'm actually calling because I tried faxing her my headshot and resume.
And, uh, hello?
Watch this, okay?
Hello!
Brett Gelman for Peter Jackson, please.
Hey, you!
Get the fuck out of here!
Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt the call.
I was just, uh, kicking out some bitch I just fucked.
Hello?
Dropped call.
Dropped call.
Hi, Tim Heidecker for Gary Marshall, please.
Thank you.
Putting me through to his girl.
Yes, hi, this is, yes, this is Tim Heidecker.
Uh, well, I have, uh, some news about his granddaughter.
It concerns her health.
I can meet, uh, tomorrow morning.
Quick question is, uh, what shirt should I wear?
Are they still casting the, uh, his latest?
Hello?
Fuck.
It's terrible how they, how they treat you.
You know what I'd give a hundred thousand bucks for is Quincy Jones' cell phone
number.
I gotta get to my set.
Oh, okay.
I didn't realize it was so late.
How'd you get here, bus?
Yeah, yeah.
You want a ride?
I'll give you a ride over there.
You're coming over there anyways.
You should get the check.
Can I stay at your place tonight?
I'm staying, I don't want to drive all the way back to La Mirada.
Yeah, no problem, no problem.
Fine, right?
Sweetheart, you need the check?
Yes, actually, um, this has bacon on it.
I ordered a club sandwich with, uh, no bacon.
And, um, the fries have ketchup on them, which I didn't ask for either, so.
Take this off the check.
We'll just split this, me and him.
Yeah.
We'll split this club.
Is that a problem?
You want me to rob this one?
Yeah, yeah, of course.
I'm taking it with me.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Can you spot me?
Yeah.
Uh, that can't be more than three bucks, right?