Name: Office Hours Live (10/03/18)
Uploaded: 2018-10-03T18:28:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live (10/03/18)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live (10/03/18)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-03. Transcript available.

Office Hours Live (10/03/18)

Come on in.
Get the front row.
Doors are open for a lot of office hours coming up at 9 a.m. Pacific here in Glendale,
California.
Do a mic check.
Good morning.
Can we hear me loud and clear?
Are we broadcasting?
Are we broadcasting?
Sounds great.
Thank you, Robert.
That's all I needed to hear.
We are just about five minutes away from the show.
In honor of the great Jeff Emmerich, who passed away, we're going to play our
pre-show music this morning will be a track from Imperial Bedroom.
He produced for Elvis Costello, one of my favorite songs, Human Hands.
I've been talking to the wall, and it's been answering me.
Oh, darling, how I miss you.
I'm just a shadow of my pharmacy.
Yes, I prayed the silhouette of your kiss.
We're holding hands with himself and a girl in a window on the reaper bar.
Whenever I put my foot in my mouth, then you begin to doubt that it's you that
I'm dreaming about.
Do I have to draw you and I have to hand?
I am a world is just a fall.
Stand by.
Stand by.
Now you manufacture happiness and get sold on the deep for someone's
satisfaction.
Whenever I put my foot in my mouth and you begin to doubt that it's you that I'm
dreaming about.
Do I have to draw you a diagram?
I am a world is just a fall into your own hands.
That's a fucking thing, girl.
All right.
Well, only one.
It wasn't a big deal.
Only one place.
Sometimes I wander in between saying you've seen it too much and saying you've
seen it all before.
Dider and dider, I hold you tight now.
Shitty, we were there for two days.
He said it was like, oh, yeah.
You begin to doubt that it's you that I'm dreaming about.
Do I have to draw you without a bow?
All I ever want is just a fall into your common head.
All I ever want is just a fall into your common head.
Stay with us, folks.
We are three minutes away.
Doug Pound is here setting up his gear.
And okay, so I guess there has been some, some, I don't know.
I think there's still a bit of a question about playing music through this
system.
Well, it seems it's not like cutting it off or anything, but anyways.
Just checking the comments and seeing what's going on in the room.
See how everyone's enjoying their day.
When she said I waited all my life to just all live in your head.
Say you won't care about it.
Say you won't care about it.
Say you won't care about it.
Say you won't care about it.
Oh, boy.
Playing some Elvis Costello because it was, this record was produced by a man
named Jeff Emmerich
who passed away yesterday.
He was famous for being the Beatles engineer, the recording engineer in the Abbey
Road days,
back in the Beatle days.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
So.
Uh-huh.
I checked a one to two.
There he is.
Check one.
We're early.
We're ready to go.
I'm ready to get the show started.
I think I do have the, uh, do you have the theme music?
That's pretty cool, that vocal.
So what if this is a man's world?
I want to be okay about it.
You got to close the door.
Check.
Okay.
Give me back my sense.
You got the Office Hours theme song ready?
Or do you have it, right?
That's it.
I got it.
What's the buzz?
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's, um, let's say it's about nine o'clock now.
I might even live to tell the ten.
Say you won't care about it.
That's some good production.
Say you won't care about it.
A lot of stuff going on there.
You know what I mean?
Say you won't care about it.
That vocal's, like, right in your ear.
Say you won't care about it.
I think they give these guys too much credit.
What do they do?
Go closer to the mic.
And then he just, you know, he hits that little.
The contrarian has arrived.
It's 9 a.m.
Let's hit it, Doug.
What's the buzz?
Tell me what's happening.
What's the buzz?
Tell me what's happening.
What's the buzz?
Tell me what's happening.
What's the buzz?
Tell me what's happening.
Squat-a-dee-dee, squat-a-dee-doo, squat-a-dee-dee-dee-doo.
Look at my pre-show catch.
Rig-a-ding, rig-a-ding.
Good morning, everybody.
Tim Heidecker here.
I don't like this hat on me, so I'm going to take it off.
Woo!
I took mine off.
Yeah, man.
It's hatless Tuesday here in Glendale, all of October.
The men out there are saying goodbye to their baseball caps,
even though it is the postseason in the world of baseball.
But men everywhere are joining in for No Hat October.
Well, at the diamond, they're going to put the hats on.
If you're at a baseball game, yes, of course.
You can wear one.
You can wear one.
Especially if you're a player.
That's required.
What if they had no baseball hat player day?
What if there was a player out there who just says,
you know what?
I don't like wearing this hat.
I play better without it.
Yeah.
Would they be allowed to get on the field?
Ooh, that would be a great – that would be something to test out.
That would be cool.
You would instantly get notoriety as a player.
If you're a young kid out there trying to make a name for yourself
and become part of the story every night, I guess,
whether you're – no matter who you're playing for,
let's say you're in a last-place team,
I think you say, I'm not wearing no baseball cap like I'm playing Little League
here.
I'm here to play ball.
Or better yet, Tim, wear not a baseball cap but a religious hat
with a sports team on it.
Yeah.
Like a yarmulkel.
A yarmulkel.
Yarmulkel.
Well, didn't – who's the famous Jewish pitcher from the Dodgers?
Sandy Koufax.
I wonder if he was a – he didn't play on Saturdays or something like that, I
think.
Maybe he had a beanie underneath that hat.
Maybe he did.
But somebody's going to call in and tell us that the hat is part of a uniform
that is part of the code of playing ball.
It's Baseball Tuesday here.
Sheila Heath.
I've got a lot of baseball to talk about.
Sheila Heath is on the call, is on the line.
Sheila Heath.
Sheila Heath.
Hey, Tim.
How's it going?
Good.
How are you?
Welcome to Office Hours.
Thanks so much.
Thanks for having me on today.
Yes.
How can I help you today?
She's putting a closet together.
Yes.
So I just wanted to say I'm a big fan of Office Hours.
Obviously, I'm listening in.
But my husband's also a really big fan of Office Hours,
and we both check it out.
And it's our one-year wedding anniversary this weekend.
So he's going to be listening.
So I just wanted to say happy anniversary to my husband, Al.
Aw, Al.
Are you married to Grandpa Al Lewis?
Are you married to Al Capone?
Are you married to Al Stewart from The Year of the Cat?
I love that song, Year of the Cat.
More like Al Green.
Get Year of the Cat up there lined up in the queue.
It's the year of the cat.
I'm getting a different song on the queue.
Okay.
Al Green.
Yeah, Al Green.
Even better.
Oh, of course.
And I have to talk about Paul Simon today.
Whoa.
What the hell?
Wait a minute.
Stop me.
What the heck was that?
I didn't do it.
That's a ghost in the machine game.
Mine was...
I could call you Betty.
Betty, when you call me, you can call me out.
Call me out.
Look at folks.
We've got the iced coffee in the house.
It's going to be an annoying show.
It's a great...
Why am I soft in the middle now?
The rest of my life is so hard.
I got baseball going on.
I didn't have a photo opportunity.
I want a shot at redemption.
It's going to be a heart to tune in a cartoon graveyard.
Home, home.
In the window, there was angels in the...
Anyways, isn't this a great song?
Come on.
Yeah, I love that song.
Doug, ruling?
It's a great song.
The bass sounds are cool.
The production's great.
The production's great.
If you call me Betty, I can call you out.
You know what these producers do?
You should hear the songs that these pathetic musicians bring in.
They sound like a dying rooster.
And then these producers come in there and they polish it up.
And it sounds like this.
Well, I'll talk about Paul a lot today because I just spent my...
You ever hear what Paul Simon sounds like without a producer?
It sounds like bad.
No, he sounds great.
He's a...
You know, you can look at demos or something.
But I'll show you the book I was reading on...
I'm just making that up.
On tour, I was reading the Paul Simon biography.
Where's the caller calling from?
Are you in a gymnasium?
I know.
It's really...
No, I'm actually...
I'm at work right now.
And I kind of stepped out in the hallway to take this call.
Okay.
Where do you work?
I work in Playa Vista.
I work for a company that makes stuff for restaurants.
So...
Like bowls and things like this?
No, we make it so that if you want to order stuff online, like if you're lazy
at home and you want to order Postmates, we make that happen.
Good for you.
So this is tech.
This is tech.
This is hardcore tech.
Yeah.
Out there with the Google.
All the big tech companies are in Playa Vista.
Yep.
We're out there with YouTube and all that good stuff.
You're on a campus.
Exactly.
That's exactly where I am.
And you have a terrific cafeteria there.
They take care of you.
It's very modern tech 2.0, Silicon Valley style.
Yes or no?
Is what they call it.
What is it?
Silicon Beach.
Silicon Beach.
Do you have the free...
Is your lunch provided free?
No, not lunch.
We have a full kitchen full of snacks, but we do have cold brew on tap, which
is pretty good.
I need you to send me a bacon, egg, and cheese for me and then just...
What do you want, Doug?
Send me one.
No, no, no...
Vegan bacon, egg, and cheese.
Figure it out.
Figure it out.
All right.
Listen, you're huffing and puffing.
Shoot me your address and I'll send it to you.
You're huffing and puffing.
Sheila, you better get back to work.
Adios.
Well, yeah.
I just want to say thanks for taking my call and happy anniversary, Al.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary, Al.
Tim, she hijacked your podcast.
Just say happy anniversary to her husband.
She could have called him.
She didn't have to go through these channels.
They're so passive aggressive, the two of these.
I don't want to really...
I don't really want to talk to him.
I'm annoyed with him, but it is our anniversary.
I better call office hours.
Oh, how convenient.
Wank, wank.
All ladies today.
We're not talking to any men.
Brittany Neff with the two Fs.
Brittany?
I've had a Neff of this.
Britt.
Oh, wow.
Hi.
Whoa, coming in hot.
Hi, coming in hot.
How's it going?
How's your mouth?
My mouth?
Oh, yes.
I was at the Instagram followers of at Tim Heidecker will know that I was at
the dentist yesterday.
I saw my partner, Eric Wareheim, was in Japan yesterday.
I haven't talked to him about it, but I guess he had some kind of dental
emergency.
Yeah.
What happened to your mouth?
Well, I didn't have an emergency.
I just had a dental appointment scheduled, but it was one of these...
I haven't had one in decades.
Should I do one?
Really?
You haven't had your mouth worked on?
I'm worried they're going to find something.
Oh, man.
They will.
But you're a pretty healthy guy.
Do you take care of your mouth?
I mean, I...
Yeah, I floss it.
I brush it.
Yeah, maybe you're all right.
I have had...
I had a deep, deep clean, like a gum scraping clean and a filling, and they had
to put all
sorts of Novocaine in my mouth.
It's very...
It's an awful thing.
The scraping.
Yeah, that's why I don't go.
It's the worst.
It makes me sick.
This is me in the chair the whole time.
I don't...
Got to be a better way.
I don't want to do this.
I know.
Pull them out.
Pull my teeth out.
Get them out of my body and put in good fake teeth.
That's what you need.
Tim, you know when someone bumps into your car?
Yeah, of course.
And then you got to take it to the shop.
Yeah.
And they fix it.
Why don't they call those guys a dentist?
A dent?
Dentist.
Yeah.
Well, that would be some...
Because a dentist...
What does dent have to do with teeth?
Dental...
I don't know.
Now we're getting into etymology.
A guy that fixes a car dents should be called a dentist.
That's all I'm saying.
Brittany, were you calling to inquire about my mouth, or was that just an entree
into a
larger conversation?
Oh, you know, just checking up on you.
You know, mouth stuff's no fun.
No.
How are you doing?
I've had too much coffee.
I've kind of got the shakes.
Yeah.
Are you working?
A