Name: Office Hours Live (10/09/18)
Uploaded: 2018-10-09T19:06:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live (10/09/18)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live (10/09/18)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-09. Transcript available.

Office Hours Live (10/09/18)

I'm just muting our two mics.
Okay.
For now.
We are live.
And...
Oh, the other thing is, I added you as a moderator.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, okay.
Great.
If you sign in, I think, into your, if you're like logged in to your YouTube
account.
Okay.
It should work.
I have no idea if it will, but...
I'm gonna get some music going here.
So, if I just go to the screen.
Oh, here we go.
You just may have to be vigilant about it, but if you just...
You know what to look for.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
That's right.
I'm gonna change the ending.
Whoa.
Hey.
Get.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
What the heck?
Every minute after midnight.
All the time I'm spending.
Hey.
Hey.
Get.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
What the heck.
Every minute after midnight.
All the time I'm spending.
Hey.
Get.
That's right.
I'm gonna turn it into cash.
Coming in for you.
I've been working at the car wash.
I consider it my day job.
You're listening.
That's a...
But that's where I am.
Good morning, everybody.
Working at the car wash.
Hasn't had a day job.
Left since Vietnam.
Good morning, everybody.
When I say help me, help me, help me, help me.
Thank you.
I had no idea that you would like me.
Welcome to the pre-show.
Tim Heidecker here.
Just getting all of our systems in line.
Help me, help me, help me.
Oh, thank you for listening to my friends.
What are I getting into?
Do you know this, man?
Is this mid-80s, Paul?
No, it's recent.
Oh, wow.
2011.
No.
Is it...
Who produced it?
Somebody...
Was this the one that won all the Grammy Awards?
I don't think so.
He...
I think he produced it.
Maybe with...
It's really nice.
Okay, we're banning somebody in the chat.
Bye-bye.
We're just gonna...
We're gonna take the...
We're gonna take the chat seriously.
People have been asking for a moderator.
I've...
Asked Vic to do it today.
He'll be doing it today.
But we'll put in some good work.
Because...
We don't want to hear from these cretins.
We're just working on the rewrites.
That's right.
And I'm gonna throw it in the can.
Good morning, everybody.
We have five minutes to go.
I started the pre-show a little early today, just to get things rolling.
But who knows?
Who knows?
Maybe we'll just...
We'll wait till nine, because I know people depend on actual consistency with
this show.
And I said, "Help me, help me, help me, help me, thank you."
I had no idea that you were there.
Wow.
When I said, "Help me, help me, help me, help me, thank you."
There's another beautiful song on this record.
I'll play you another one.
I just read this Paul Simon biography, so he's been on my mind.
Working on the rewrites.
Do you know the story of his 1965?
He went to London and...
Yeah.
I know it all.
I know it all.
I just read the book.
Listen how nice this is, Vic.
Let's just...
This is four minutes, and we have four minutes to go.
So we're gonna start on a weird, like, down note on the show today.
But that's...
This is a big songwriting thing here.
"God and His only Son"
"Paid a courtesy call on earth one Sunday morning"
"Orange blossoms open every grin"
"You're like those words."
Wow.
"Songbirds sang from the tips of cottonwoods"
"Old folks wept"
"For his love in these hard times"
"Well, we gotta get going"
"Said the restless goal to the sun"
"You never know where it's going"
"There are galaxies yet to be born"
"Creation is never done"
"Anyway, these people are slobs here"
"If we stay, it's bound to be a mob scene"
"But disappear"
"And it's love in hard times"
"And it's love in hard times"
"I loved her the first time I saw her"
"Yes, it's just Dr. Pepper"
"I loved her the first time I saw her"
"Dr. Pepper"
"Dr. Pepper"
"Dr. Pepper"
"Dr. Pepper"
"Dr. Pepper"
"Dr. Pepper"
i loved her the first time i saw dr pep dr pep dr pepsi in the chat says so
many chords
so many things to remember
i wouldn't know how to start with this kind of music
all right one minute to go are you uh do you have a clock there
somewhere you have one minute till um actual seconds yeah listen
when it hits nine i want you to take this out into the theme song right because
we're going to go live
uh oh mason's in the chat mason's in the queue
windows rattle locks turn it's easy to be generous when you're on a roll
it's hard to be grateful when you're out of control
jesus never stops yeah love is gone
it's not going to resolve here it's nine it's nine it's nine
folks we are live
pretty good good good morning good morning it's what a smooth like uh we should
just do a dj set
somewhere with that kind of transition ladies and gentlemen it is
good morning good morning good morning good morning good morning good morning
good morning to you
and i'm lennon's birthday would have been a nine years old
oh
oh
oh
oh
oh
oh
all right
everybody welcome to office hours it's tim heidecker and we are here to make
sure that you have some
community you hear that now it's a place for you to start fading i could start
fading you down
yeah he's not he's no doug lucenhop ladies and gentlemen he is the one and only
we'll put him in
frame so we can see that big fro is no don't just drop it i know i'm learning
this unbelievable the
first day with this software and frankly it's unbelievable um what is the
software you got back
uh i got fargo fargo fargo what is that some free freeware i paid 49.99 what
the hell uh well listen
i can't get my money back yeah you just ruining
oh yeah yeah he's gonna start sweating you're giving yourself your own uh audio
drops for your
incompetence back there well this is unbelievable we have vic the one and only
vic burger behind
my left shoulder here and uh doug lucenhop i believe is on the road i think he's
on the road
he's traveling he's traveling he's going to pa he's playing philly new york and
all the places that
we just played so if you saw the on cinema live show on the east coast you've
got more shows to see
you got dj doug pound and brent weinbach on the east coast doing some plugs for
him all right folks
let's jump into the calls dale chiccolate chiccoli del chio hey j del chio look
only daddy where are you
calling hello where are you calling from i'm in new jersey oh new jersey let's
talk let's talk a little
bit about new jersey yeah well the vick's behind me you know how it is with him
hey vick you kike
pedophile whoa we don't like that on this show get out of here you scumbag
right away
that was not nice oh boy i think we're gonna get he's gonna feel good about
himself you know what i
think we're gonna get it hard today it's been it's been a nice nice uh few
months on the show it's
been i don't know why but they just they woke up they came out of their holes
he was on the it's tim
tuesday we have tim haber on the line tim haber oh what's up to me you're gonna
cleanse the god i'm
just you're gonna cleanse the palette here oh no sorry i can't hear you that
well i'm hanging out
in the countryside in germany just uh watching a bunch of on cinema nice and uh
yeah what's the
country what's the very big fan what's who's that just getting my mother into
on cinema at the moment
what are you doing are you german uh are you german are you visiting or what's
going on uh well i'm
german i actually work in new york but uh i'm waiting on my new visa to be
accepted so i've been
stuck here for like a month and a half i like this music that vick's playing in
the background he's
got a little polka music what part of the what part of the uh country are you
in the countryside of
germany sounds beautiful it's uh it's black it's a little bit outside of hamburg
up in the north got famous yeah yeah uh mark shaw mark shaw mark show john lennon
john lennon on his
birthday this is a long time ago of course i was there listening to music of
the silver beetles uh the
mercy mercy man the mercy beats no the uh johnny and the bit johnny and the uh
what were they called um
they were the beetles by the silver the silver beetles yes and uh i met john lennon
on his
yeah that's that's something different i don't know what that is i met jim
learning you see
in hamburg i was a little bit as a boy prostitute i was a little boy prostitute
um
i'm the he came to me my salon are you saying prostitute in me in this language
the prostitute
means a member for the haircut for the hair the hair design you see for the
head design and i'm not a
i'm not a prostitute uh you see for the hair the hair design so he come in with
the big uh
uh pompadour with the hair greasy you see like Elvis Presley you know and this
is a generic uh kind of uh
european sound not exactly from one place i grew up in geneva and lived a
little bit in hamburg
by the dogs and john lennon come in with the george harrison and the paul mccadney
and the peter best
peter best we call him a big big dick best big dick best because he has a big
large uh horse cock
that he let everybody touch in the end examine and look under the hood the hood
of the uh panties
and the i say john lennon you have a beautiful hair i used to comb it down to
your eyebrows and so
you look like a mo howard so you look like the three stooges the leader so you
look like the three
stooges yeah uh you name it a group of the three stooges yeah and he says okay
we'll do this so he put
on a bowl and gave him a bowl cut and that is how the beatles begin tell me
okay that is uh that's a
a beautiful monologue thank you for inspiring it tam all right my pleasure i
gotta run anything else you
want to add for taking my call anything you want to add to this i just want to
know if uh you and
gelman will get lunch anytime soon um we might get real lunch and then from
there we'll get into some
planning because we do we deserve we we owe you guys some some more uh content
from that side of my
brain you owe us so much wow thank you tim i'm burpy today because of uh this
poison i drink they say it
is poison you read this vic they say the lacroix is poison the cockroach cockroach
stuff it's not natural
uh sam singletaire i don't say i shouldn't say last names i forgot sam s yes
sir how are you sam
i'm doing quite well how are you pretty good how can i help you today where are
you calling from
calling from new york city new york city yes sir i missed your um what was it
the on cinema live i was
disappointed i had to work are you going to be doing any uh stand-up again
anytime soon i don't
have anything on the calendar for uh for for the foreseeable future when it
comes to performances
except this friday in los angeles i'll be narrating the live production of harry
nelson's the point
which uh will be at the dynasty typewriter los angeles folks can get tickets
online for that but other than
that i'm sorry you know that you will know when i have something to promote to
you i will get out there
in front of it i will promote it i will get the instagram stories going for it
i will let you know
uh sam how are you spending your day today is my day off so i am uh taking her
easy
tuesday day off this this what are you doing for for work i work at starbucks
unfortunately oh he's a
barista i would be so overwhelmed if i was working at star but i will look at
those guys that when it's
pumping when it's morning and it's everyone's coming in and everyone's giving
you all these like multi-order
thing what did you get yeah so you have starbucks just went through the drive-through
got a uh nitro cold
brew nitro cold brew with what milk i got a little uh yeah a little shot of
something in it what like
uh vitamin c almond milk just whatever half skinny all a lot i would i would
fully have panic attacks
every day i'm overwhelmed i have the cups are stacked up with names reading i'm
putting the wrong burning
myself with steam oh my god horrible thank god i don't have this kind of life
that you have we'll see
well see i was going to go to the manhattan school of music i got in and it was
too expensive so i
couldn't go and i ended up moving to new york just trying to freelance and that
kind of thing
so i'm just working well that's tough well so what kind of mu