Name: Office Hours Live 12/06/18)
Uploaded: 2018-12-06T19:17:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live 12/06/18)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live 12/06/18)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-06. Transcript available.

Office Hours Live 12/06/18)

We are live. We are live. Morning, everybody.
Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Turn that on. Hmm. All right. Here's
an Office Hours exclusive track before we begin the show.
Hanging out with Tobin and the judge. Hanging out with Tobin and the judge. Summertime
in country clubs. Drinking beer and throwing up. Another brewski in my cup.
Beach week is all blocked out. Got a crew with all the cloud. Caddyshack
without a doubt. Watching it with Tobin and the judge. Watching it with Tobin
and the judge. Watching it with Tobin and the judge.
Basketball. It beats all. Except lifting weights with Timmy. Partying with the
judge.
Welcome, Bob Noxious. Glad to be with you today. Sleeping through a mess at
noon. Tell your friends we are live.
Partying with Tobin and getting blackout drunk with the judge.
All right. Put our tweets. We are live, folks. Dances keep track of it. So I'll
put it on Facebook, too. Memories, they fade away. It's got a good name.
Look who it is. Doug's here. It's going to be a good show. Knock on wood.
Knock on wood.
Get a calendar, write it down. Get a calendar, write it down. Get a calendar,
write it down.
I should play this later in the show, too. Too many nights I can't recall. You're
going to miss it.
Too many girls forgot a mom. They get away, run down the hall.
Doin' what I do with the judge. Doin' what I do with the judge. Doin' what I do
with the judge.
All right. Good morning, everybody. We're about to go live on the webcam here.
Oh, yeah. What's the buzz? Tell me what's happening.
Here we go. We're going to kick it over. Boom. We're in live. Woo. Good morning.
Good morning, everybody out there. International listeners, American listeners.
That's all there is.
There's either international listeners or American listeners. There's two kinds
of people in this world. That's it.
That's how we break it down. We are coming in live here in rainy, rainy
Southern California, Glendale, California. Doug, I did not get the limiter as
you requested yet, so I just ask that you watch your levels on your own end if
you can.
And we will do the best I can. Yeah. I will try not to scream into the
microphone today.
Um, yes, it is pouring cats and dogs. Doug, thank you for making the effort to
get here on time. It's -- I know it was not easy.
Big congratulations to Office Hours friend of the show. Office Hours friend of
the show, John C. Reilly, nominated for a Golden Globe this morning.
What?
Okay, the reverb is working.
What is this?
What did he, uh...
Was it Wreck-It Ralph, or...?
Can you, uh...
Can you guess which Native American tribe this music is from, Tiff?
Tim, can you guess?
Can I guess?
I mean, if you're not familiar with Native American music, you're just gonna
have to take a wild guess.
Um, the, the, uh...
Comanche.
The Lakota.
The Lakota.
The Lakota.
Thank you, Lakota.
That's cool music, man.
I can dig that.
I can dig that shit.
Anyways, um, congrats to him.
Maybe he'll call in, tell us what he's having for breakfast.
That's always a treat to hear from him.
Um...
Yes, he was nominated for Stan and Ollie, which isn't even out yet.
I don't know how these Globers even know whether it's good or not.
They're just taking a blind step.
Oh, the Lower and Hardly.
Yeah.
Wreck-It Ralph, they just didn't even...
Well, that's a difference.
I mean, you're not gonna nominate some kind of voice actor.
It's easy work.
He does that from his bedroom.
He does it into his iPhone.
How are you doing today, Doug?
I'm doing great.
I got a great night's sleep.
I like the rainy weather.
You know, it wasn't fun to drive up on the Five up here, but...
This town...
You know what I'm gonna do after this?
I'm gonna go down to the LA River.
Oh, yeah.
I like to go check it out when it's raining.
It's cool.
It's like a raging river, really.
Sometimes I'll...
It becomes an actual river.
Take a dip.
There's a lot of...
You hear a lot of, like...
Noise coming in?
I do hear that, yeah.
High in?
I'm trying to isolate that.
That's the...
That's the government listening.
It's no big deal.
And, yes.
LA, if people are not familiar, don't know this old adage that when it rains...
Imagine if you're in the Northeast, it's like a...
It's like a...
It's like a big nor'easter.
It's like a big snowstorm in the rest of the country.
It shuts the place down.
It creates massive havoc.
Of course, we're talking about potential mudslides.
All kinds of stuff going on.
So, it's...
I was worried we weren't gonna be on time, but here we are.
We're on time, and we've already run out of things to talk about.
The show is spiraling down.
And I guess I forgot that we take calls on this show.
I mean, I can talk.
We can talk about stuff.
I was...
Alright, let's take a call, then we'll get into a bunch of stuff today.
What you got?
Who's on the line?
Hey, it's Grant.
How are you doing, Tim?
Now, this is the kind of thing...
I did not expect that.
I'm talking about.
I apologize.
That blew me away.
Who's there?
Hey, it's Grant.
What's...
Why did that go low?
You turned him down.
Oh, don't...
I turned him, but now I've got him back up, but he's not there.
Are you there?
I'm here, Tim.
Can you hear me?
Yeah, that's a good level.
What's up?
Good morning.
Good morning.
I got a question for you, Tim.
Go ahead.
I love your tone.
I can tell already you're going to be in trouble.
No, no.
This is for real.
Okay, so I was listening to the new white album, Sessions, and I'm loving the
one State of Nature.
State of Nature.
It's a good tune.
No.
Child of Nature.
Child of Nature.
There you go.
Okay, so it starts like...
On the road to Rishikesh.
Rishikesh.
I was sitting more or less.
I began to lose control.
Yeah, what about it?
Okay, and so there's the Rishikesh thing.
And then, you know, Ray Wise, your buddy, Ray Wise.
Yes.
He's buds with David Lynch, who does Transcendental Meditation.
At Rishikesh, they were doing Transcendental Meditation.
What do you think of that?
Taking money to teach you, you know, Nirvana and truth.
I've spoken about this.
Taking money.
Give it to me one more time.
Back up.
What happened?
He's got an issue with Transcendental Meditation.
Is that your problem?
I'm wondering what you think of it.
Well, I have an inside knowledge on this because my wife works for the
organization.
She works for whatever it is, the company, I guess, the Transcendental Meditation
Center.
She does administrative work for them, and she's there once a week
and schedules appointments for people and stuff.
And, you know, I think that there's a -- I don't think it's like a con or
anything.
I did it.
And you pay to learn a practice, and that's all it is.
It's actually quite -- it's not like one of these schemes where you end up
paying over and over again.
There's a one set fee to spend, like, four days learning this method, this
technique.
And it is quite simple, but there's a -- you know, it is a system.
It is something you need to learn the right way.
And I have no issue with it.
And they, you know, they use that organization to introduce it into schools and
into communities and to make it a -- you know, I say this with peace and love.
Peace and love.
I'm warning you with peace and love.
Peace and love.
And they send it straight to the New World Order.
Illuminati.
Yeah.
So does that clear it up for you?
We can't see -- we can't see villains in every corner.
We have to understand that there are reasonable things out there.
And I believe, you know, there's no scandals going on with these people.
There's no money -- it's not like the Catholic Church or anything where these
teachers are, you know, molesting boys.
You know, everything's -- they're a little organization and they raise money
for their own needs.
And that's it.
Can you understand that?
Yeah, I wasn't trying to bring any negativity to the picture, you know.
I want to read philosophy and I love the Beatles and I love you.
And if you love someone who loves or at least schedules meetings for these
people, then it's worth looking into, I guess.
Well, I was -- I think I talked about this on the show a while ago that it was
-- that some -- the Daily Beast or something was classifying it as a quasi-cult,
quasi-religious cult or something.
And because Jared and Ivanka practice it.
And they're trying to, you know, make it seem like they're involved in some
kind of crazy -- it's got some deep tones in it.
Well, I think -- I've got nothing against cults.
By the way, I'm sick.
You know?
I've been sick all week.
Oh, boy.
And it's such a miserable sickness that I have.
It's that little dull headache, little chills.
All right, thank you, Todd.
Maybe you can meditate your way out of it.
I should.
I should meditate away the sickness.
Yeah, transcend.
Transcend.
Transcend the sickness.
But I get, like, the chills, you know?
You ever get the chills?
Oh, you got, like, the flu?
Yeah, it's like the flu.
Fuck.
All week.
Well, I don't have a fever now.
I mean, this was -- it was worse on Monday and Tuesday.
And then yesterday, I was feeling better.
Today, it's still just lingering.
I do that Alka-Seltzer cold.
You ever do that?
That makes you feel better.
And take some Tylenol.
And I just --
You ever see this Z-Quill?
Z-Quill.
They got this Z-Quill?
It doesn't heal you.
It just -- it's just the knockout.
It's just the knockout.
It's just the knockout stuff.
Rooted.
A little vodka.
A little Z-Quill vodka.
Okay, let's take another call.
Hello?
What's your name?
Where are you calling from?
Sorry, I sprung that on Aristotle too quick.
He's working as fast as he can.
What's up, buddy?
Oh, is nobody calling?
That's interesting.
No one's calling.
That's hard to believe.
No, that doesn't -- that doesn't happen on this show.
Hello?
Hello?
Hey, who's there?
This is Jazzy.
as he can. What's up, buddy? Oh, is nobody calling? That's interesting. No one's
calling.
That's hard to believe. No, that doesn't happen on this show. Hello. Hello. Hey,
who's
there? This is Jazzy. Oh, dear Lord. See, I'm not kidding with this. Yeah, why
did you
come into the office? Because I care about my audience. I care about my
listeners. Can't
you do this from bed? Can you do like a bed stream like John Lennon would do?
Oh, like
a bed in. We should do an office hours bed in. Yeah. And that way you guys can
just relax
the whole way through. And if somebody is really boring, you just zonk out.
That's a good one.
What do you got for me today? Can I help you in with anything? You have
something you want
to talk about a topic? Yeah, you guys were talking about John C. Reilly and
Stan and
Ollie. And I was curious. Are you guys fans? I'd rather see Stand and Deliver.
Remember
that movie? Stand by me. There was Stand by me and Stand and Deliver the same
year, I
think. Those are both got to be way better than Stan and Ollie. Right, Tim?
Will you go
on record and say that? No, no. I haven't seen it yet, but I'm excited. I
showed the trailer
to my dad last night. Have you seen the Stan and Ollie trailer? Of course. It
looks amazing.
Yeah. It's unbelievable. This is what my dad said the whole time. He goes, holy,
jeez, holy,
holy shit. Oh, wow. He's just making all these noises. What the? What is your
dad's? What's
your dad's, like, go-to phrase? Holy. No, uh, jeez. My dad says, jeez. God's sakes.
He was
like, how did they? He was just mystified. God's sakes. How the hell did they?
How the hell
did he? Jeez. How the hell did he do that? So check out that trailer. It's
really unbelievable.
Incredible. The way that they transformed those actors. Yeah. But yeah, are you
guys fans
of Laurel and Hardy or, uh, you know, I'm just curious about your perspective
on that?
I, I, I, I'll tell you, I never grew up with Oliver. You gotta clear off that
last little
trail. So it's, I woke up in a Soho doorway. This is a good. He's, Doug's in
his own world
over here. He's like not engaged in the show at all. His voice sounds cool when
it's like
isolated like that. I can't hear any of what he's doing. I know we still have
another, we have a,
we're back to an ol