Name: Office Hours Live (1/8/2019)
Uploaded: 2019-01-08T19:13:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live (1/8/2019)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live (1/8/2019)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-08. Transcript available.

Office Hours Live (1/8/2019)

good morning good morning good morning how does it sound out there probably bad
right
does it sound bad
i can't tell what's going on here
is it coming in yeah it's quiet so what can we do about that
sounds fine it's it's something's something's not right quiet yes it sounds
good i would i'd like
to make it louder i don't let me see if i could punch it up on this end
checking one two are we
does that make a difference or just make it kind of it's a little hot it's a
little hot
everyone says it's pretty good but uh um my aristotle and doug are both not
here yet
so it could be an interesting show oh hey there you are hi um you're almost all
set over there i think
you just need to plug into the focus right is that a i couldn't remember if it's
out or in
do do do do i don't i'm so nervous about playing music now because of all my
copyright infringements
i figure i'll just play some uh apm music here
getting the show started in a few minutes folks stand by
and then by
and then
so
so
hey everybody one two one two take a listen to that see how we're doing one two
one two
we're listening to some free apm uh free music online it's just a track called
uh southern rock
is there anything better than southern rock rock and roll that's how it goes
anything better than
southern rock oh here's a beatlesque song with swirling melodic phrases called
i'm sorry
let's take a listen to i'm sorry from free music production oh it's beetle-esque
it's a beetle-esque morning
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
time is up
and it's too late
for never-ending love
life is disappearing
and the kids are appearing
in the windows of the people i used to know
if you haven't moved on i'm sorry
i'm sorry
if you haven't moved on i'm sorry
i'm sorry
life is short
i'm holding on
to a never-ending
and that's never gonna change
and that's never gonna change
it's never gonna change
it's never gonna change
if you haven't moved on
don't get me wrong
don't get me wrong
cause i knew it all
cause i knew it all along
and now the time is over
and that's never gonna change
it's never gonna change
and that's never gonna change
it's never gonna change
it's never gonna change
don't get me wrong
it's never gonna change
it's never gonna change
it's never gonna change
it's never gonna change
okay here we go
good morning vietnam
and other islands
other countries
other sovereign nations out there
welcome to the big show
we're gonna switch over to the
live feed
where is that
where are you baby
the live video feed
what oh i see what's going on
stand by everybody trying to find some
good morning doug and lucid p
where are you doug you're hiding behind my head here
can you adjust uh here me
over here over here you see what i mean over here
can you see you gotta go that way a little bit yeah there you go hi buddy
this is way farther than i
i don't know something got screwed up
you know we moved the whole operation
just take that camera and just tap it
all right hold on a minute
like that
i think you still could could kick over a bit
it's a lot of me
good morning vietnam good morning vietnam good morning vietnam
everyone's saying it's too hot right it's too hot man
but then amanda says i can't believe the sound is actually good today the audio
is too hot it's
like right on the peak is mine lower than yours
of course as it should be
as it should be
what is that python you're doing this morning
you're doing python drops on me it actually was automatically i knew it man i
know every line
i want and i want and i know every you name i've never seen that one you can't
turn me up i
shouldn't be lower no it's just because your headphones are low dope no but
yours are louder in
my phones that's because i have a better speaking voice i'm a professional
radio broadcaster
ladies and gentlemen happy new year uh dog you're right where i am baby i can't
i don't know what
else to tell you can you hear yourself how's the eq my eq is like you're
welcome to come over here
and take over the engineering of this show i'm done it's a different mic it's
like you press the gas
the same amount of my ferrari is the same amount on your chevrolet volt are we
going to start
the year like this bickering like two old hags i'd love to hear more of you doug
anyways we are here
we are live uh it seems to be working more or less um lots to discuss happy new
year uh hope everyone
had a great break a great holiday if you traveled i hope you were safe i hope
nobody was in any plane
crashes i didn't read about any plane crashes i didn't read about any they don't
really happen
they happen every once in a while and i hope to god if there has been a plane
crash
none of you listening word in it that wasn't reported
for whatever reason who knows there's a lot of reasons i could come up with
i hope none of my audience was on that flight i really do because we have such
a small audience
and it would be a lot if one person died in a plane crash it would that would
represent a that's like
uh one percent of my audience right there gone you know i almost went um to uh
the southeast asia my
parents and my family were yeah you were disinvited no i didn't want to go
because all those planes
keep just they just fly off into the sunset yeah they never come back you never
hear you know you
hear a lot of you hear a lot about people going on trips to the to the
southeast asia islands and and
to europe and australia all these other places but you never hear about
countries but you never hear
about them coming back they don't come back you never hear about them come back
all right let's
take a call and see if that works can you imagine and also what works to see if
the calls work oh i see
i mean that's the whole point of the show office hours the doors are open of
course i have a lot to
talk about but i want to i want to get to you uh aristotle is there anybody on
the line
so nobody's calling that doesn't make any sense that's never happened everyone's
new year's
resolution was not to call anymore uh that could be it could be but it could be
but i don't imagine
that's the case i think we have technical difficulties um uh i know like you
know phil somebody i mean
there's usually a line a mile long people calling in so there's something going
on with the system uh
the real tim heidecker at skype is the only way to get in touch with us at this
point i apologize for
that we've tried other methods but because of the bings and the bongs it's not
possible
you just send one through when you have one i will plug uh quickly on cinema
live is coming
to the center you can be patient that's loud let me see i'll write i have to
ride mine because
there's different volumes everywhere i'm don't turn me low uh san francisco
this saturday january 12th
that the palace of the fine arts is on cinema live wow that is big we've done
these shows in portland
seattle new york boston philly and now we're coming to where again san francisco
part of sketch
fest are you going to be up there for sketch fest which apparently goes on for
several years every
year yes it's i'll be on there next year oh good next year but it's part of
this year's are you going up
there for anything no no i i don't know what's going on with my i don't do
anything somebody says
my skype is offline if anyone's out there book me stottle it says skype is
offline i switched it from
away to back online okay let's maybe let's see if uh what's happening there uh
i'll take questions
from the chat tim have you seen the favorite i did i had a wonderful time in philadelphia
uh before
christmas i uh opened up for the war on drugs on three nights and uh thank you
for all uh anybody
that came to see those shows that was an exciting experience and i had the i
had nothing to do all
day it was rainy and cold and i was staying right by the old ritz five and the
ritz bors theater in
philadelphia where i used to go and see many movies um and i saw two movies one
uh not at this two days
two movies i saw the favorite which i loved i thought that was really good
really weird eccentric funny
strange uh entertaining and then i saw roma which just destroyed me i thought
it was the best movie of
the year maybe the best movie of the past several years um i got to see that in
the theater and weeped
weeped like a little baby boy i watched it you didn't like it i liked it yeah
it's great it's a great
movie i wouldn't take best but i mean did it move you it's well done did it
move you a little moved
i you know i i got a little it's upsetting i got swelled up my eyes swelled up
a little bit okay
good to hear i'm glad you're alive you know i'm not a psychopath sometimes you
got to check in with
yourself and see what's moving you sometimes you walk through with just a stone
cold heart
anything going on oh we got a call who's there hey tim and uh doug well i knew
phil would be here
that's why i knew something wasn't working because if if there's anybody that's
calling in it's mr brawn
that's right happy new year where are you uh where are you i'm just you're a
little quiet but i think
we're good i think we're good uh i think we're all good how are you i'm good i'm
good um happy new
year guys and uh y'all were talking about planes a little earlier uh you know
the other thing you don't
hear a lot about is the bermuda triangle it kind of faded from uh from our
conspiratorial mind what's
the latest planes getting sucked into that thing all the time and then all of a
sudden it disappeared
it used to be a huge problem well the airlines know to avoid it i think the
airlines don't even
get near that mess they got they're flying around it now there was that flight
from um you know this
theory about the bermuda triangle is that the methane gas bubbles come out and
that makes planes drop
boom why do they come out there there's a special something going on under the
ocean down there yeah
now i saw the movie the meg over the holiday as well because i'd never seen
that it was on the flight i
watched it on a plane i was on and uh there apparently in that movie there's a
at the bottom of the
ocean floor is a layer of methane gas it's not the bottom it's only it's a it's
a cloud layer
this is totally fictional science fiction i suppose is this the meg the meg it's
about the giant shark
oh my do you see this no i didn't see it oh it was a fun movie it was a big big
shark i mean we're
talking i don't know the size of two houses wait what would you call your shark
movie meg two because
it's a mega mega mega mega doppelous or something like that megalodon megalodon
i think meg ryan
when i think the meg i do too i don't think sharks i think i make meg ryan
every morning baby when i wake
up bang wake up hard from meg um i was fun you had rain wilson playing kind of
a creepy or like kind of a bad
tech billionaire like an elon musk type uh i mean it was a it was a it was a
garbage movie but it was fun
for the plane anyways so they're saying that there's this methane layer down
not methane some kind of
layer of gas and but below there is a whole world the whole world of creatures
from that have been kept
underneath the layers yes it's jaws-esque but and then they went down there
penetrated that that
layer and that unleashed the mag into the world as we know it geez okay well
they could have just not
went down there and wouldn't have the problem wouldn't had a movie well but it
was an incredible
scientific discovery they created they found no one believed them but they went
down there and they
got down there and they got through that they penetrated it so they figured it
out it sounds
like they've just they've solved the problem it's a major scientific discovery
i mean then and i mean
and when i mean major i mean major
uh pretty big all right think about this uh 70 percent income tax thing that i
see floating around
social media these days oh you know i never understand taxes i i it really confuses
me i would love
for somebody to sit me down i feel like i didn't get this i missed this day in
civics