Name: Office Hours Live (2/13/19)
Uploaded: 2019-02-13T20:01:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live (2/13/19)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live (2/13/19)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-13. Transcript available.

Office Hours Live (2/13/19)

I'm waiting for the light to come on I know is that this is check-check
I know I don't have a
I've muted it good morning everybody welcome to office hours isn't it a pity oh
my god
isn't it a shame how we break each other's hearts cause each other pain my lord
how we break each other's heart
mm-hmm without thinking anymore forgetting to give back you're on mute cause
the show hasn't started yet now I got you live
I see
oh shit you're coming in loud on your laptop hi dad how can I explain don't
turn the laptop down is my mic cheeky? I don't know if I'm going through I don't
think I'm going through check
yes you are you're in
is my mic too quiet?
no you're not your mic is great
I can barely hear
that sounds good
you guys are sounding good on my end
really my mic sounds ok?
to me it sounds very low
abby says it's low
abby says it's low
vic says mine's low
i can't hear myself in
it's on your end guys
no it's just my mic is low
no it's not
you want to hear it on my headphones asshole?
I know how to turn the headphones on
oh boy
fuck you all
just shut the fuck up
it's so loud guys
that was me
just turn yours down a little
i didn't do it
just write the volume
hello
isn't it
a little man wants to go to play
isn't it a bitchy?
come on
flip
how good is this?
oh isn't it a shame?
oh yeah
isn't it a bitchy?
alright folks we got a new
hello
hello
we got a new
song
a new theme song today
that i'm going to start in a second
holy shit
holy shit
is that real loud?
yeah
okay
wow
here we go folks
oh shit
welcome to the show
welcome to the show
i woke up in a sole door
where a policeman knew my name
he said
you can't go to sleep at home tonight
if you can get along the way
come on
i sat back through the underground
and the breeze blew by my head
i remember throwing punches around
raging from my chair
come on
i really wanna know
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
come on
come on
who are you?
alright welcome to office hours
holy shit
i'm having a nervous breakdown right now
who the hell are you?
god damn it
oh
wow who's that?
who did that?
was that you?
who are you?
who are you?
i think something
the chord's not in the way
and the man who spurred the song
like i really cannot hear
okay
thank you guys
alright ladies and gentlemen
welcome to office hours
the judgment of all wrong
doug that was for you
that was provided by
fat seagull on twitter
i don't know anything else
is that fat jewish's brother?
yeah fat
they decide
and the shotgun sings the song
well that i love that
that mashup was a delight
i know
thank you to fat seagull
fat seagull s-e-g-a-l
so ty seagull's brother
that's it
um
good morning everybody
let me just begin the show
by saying
we are live
from glendale california
here in glendale california
redundantly
uh
february
can i
can
can you just let me get a word in?
well there was a blank moment
no
we
we're gonna have a meeting after this show
and talk about blank moments that are
somehow your perception of time is skewed
just because i'm breathing
just because i'm inhaling for a minute
doesn't mean we gotta fill it in
it's dead air
no
we gotta fill it in
dead air
i'm gonna fire you from this show
and i don't even
know what the consequences of that are
are right now
oh rough corral
stop with that
you are fired
i hate that sample
you are fired
there that's
that makes more sense
but this rough
what is he saying rough corral?
rough crowd
i think he's saying rough corral
who is that?
just shut the fuck off
can i ask the audience out there
can i ask the audience
if i'm too low in my mic?
no
you guys are listening to a different mix
tim you can be a little louder than me
something is off
something is off
can i can i can you just stop
everyone stop for a second
and listen to me
okay
just stop
and listen
without your samples
without your complaining
it's really hard
shut up!
i am hearing what the audience is hearing
whatever's going on with the shit you've set up over there
with the mixer
and your laptops and your mics
is not working for you for some reason
but what i'm hearing
is a phenomenal show
it sounds level
it sounds even
and loud
and robust
and quite impressive
honestly
and i would like the audience
to validate that right now
Vic is low
no he's not
i don't know what to do
sorry i didn't hear you
nobody's in charge of this show
put a pillow on your neck like a cat
these assholes show up here two minutes
before the show
and then they start complaining about their goddamn tech issues
but it sounds good
i was here beforehand
and then i tried to sound check it
and then you yelled at me
it said you got me on mute
so i was damned if i do
damned if i don't
all right
well let's begin the show
with a different sort of energy
okay here we go
what are we doing folks
i would like
i would like
that's okay
everybody just signed off
i'm
it's like a prank
someone says i'm delusional about these volumes
i'm not delusional
that's okay
maybe i am
come on let's go
that's okay
all right enough
that's okay
good morning everybody
why don't we take a call
that's okay
of course i'm coming in loud
i'm fucking furious
you need a limiter on that ass
yeah
so come in here
on a saturday
during your free time
instead of bike riding
and skateboarding
whatever you do
going to brunch
for four hours
i've been in here on a saturday
and i wired this whole room
and that's where we're at
now i
now that never happened
in his
that historical moment
never happened
that saturday i came here
spent five hours rewiring everything
it was a friday
anyways
wait now okay
wait a minute
i'm
oh this is muted i see
i was very
it's all very confusing
we have not
we're going
taking many steps backwards
um
and there's uh
238 people watching
so it's
might as well
just not even do it
but
yeah good times huh
um
and by the way
that we do have to worry about this mic
because all i'm hearing is the crackling
of the moving around
um
that
that would be
if only that worked
if only that worked
if only that worked
oh we can
we can roll down some of the high
is this
oh watch your coffee
i'm not going to knock the coffee off
my arm was above it
oh
look if this is her mic
you roll down the low end
and that's the
that's the fluffy stuff
is this her mic
Vic wants to
take over
look at this
Vic is a
real gentleman
just a little EQ
holy shit
anyways folks
how's everybody doing today
why don't we take a call
we have a guest here
but i'm not introducing her
you know who it is
it's abby martin
i will not acknowledge her
until the interview begins
abby martin ladies and gentlemen
i don't hear her
on the mic now
i hear me though
let's hear it abby
hey tim
now she has to sit
in that awkward position
who's this
like she's lemmy from motorhead
that is jack from new zealand
yeah
hey jack
g'day
cute boys
uh tim i was just wondering
um have you heard all the bad news
uh surrounding lindsey buckingham
first he's out of uh fleetwood mac
and now he's had open heart surgery
i did hear that he was in bad shape
the history
the uh long
the continuing history of
lindsey buckingham
is putting me to sleep
maybe it's the
well
poor lindsey
if i was if i was lindsey
lindsey graham
no lindsey buckingham
going through
going through the year he had
with the fleetwood mac debacle
i'd have a heart attack too
i'd be in the operating table
getting my heart ripped out
they'd open me up and i
they say what do you want us to do
i fix this lindsey
they say nah throw it away
those fuckers stabbed me in the heart
they turned it black
you might as well throw it in the
waste bin
what's the point
they threw me under the bus
fleetwood mac did
just because i wanted to take
some days off to do my own solo shows
who replaced them
who they put
oh that was mike campbell
from the heartbreakers
and uh the other guy from your
the land down under
what's his name
crowded house boy
in the land of wonder
the land down under
good day mate
okay
come on
come and say good day
can i just
i'll slip an extra shrimp on the barbie for you
i heard that they were um
can i say
we have a lovely
uh
a strong
australian and new zealand
audience of the show
and all we do is make fun of them
we love it
okay
neil finn
someone says
neil finn is the new host
the new host
of fleetwood mac
um
but there's no word from rock and roll gary
rock and roll gary
don't have nothing to say about it
neil finn is from us
is from the new zealand
yeah
no don't
go
don't bait me into doing a
rock and roll gary impression okay
maybe
maybe
um
maybe what's his name was
um
telling little lies
and the other band
tell me lies
tell me lies
tell me sweet little lies
um
okay
anyways
let's take another call
thank you nick
or whatever your name was
jack
jack
fleetwood jack
fleetwood jack
fleetwood jack
all right
what's up next fleet
have you tried the new fleetwood mac burger from burger king
doug
yeah
it's great
it's got um
when you
i don't stop when i eat it
yeah
although it's sharp inside
every time i eat it i get little nicks on the inside of my mouth
mick
oh mick fleetwood
nicks
stevie nicks
oh nicks
oh yeah
um
we got nothing i i'm not a fleetwood mac head i don't
who's in there
well the rumors are that it's a it's a tasty sandwich
okay
okay
fleetwood mac
oh rumors okay gotcha
don't stop tim
there we go don't stop
okay
uh
what's next
we can break the chain of
of this joke
that's a good idea
that's a good idea
cut that out airstone
no this is live
come on
cut it out
okay
someone says i got the fleetwood mac and cheese burger that's pretty good
um
what's next on the line
who's next i should refer to you as human beings who's next not what's next you
scum
who is it
hello this is jake
hello how are you
uh
where are you calling from jake
i am calling from green bay wisconsin
ah the green bay packers
the great green bay packers stars of the green bay packer football team
yes
the gridiron the 50 yard line
yep snow
that's it
so what can i do for you today
um
just have a question i'm big fans of big uh doug and yourself
i'm wondering if there's any
oh my god just because we talk about football doesn't mean we need ambient
noise of a football stadium
why is he
why is he
why is he apologing
i'm doing it
he's a
he's a fully
he's apologizing
what's your question
um is there any subject you guys would not touch
well if we wouldn't touch it why would i bring it up
yeah
thank you next call
listen
there's got to be a subject that we don't touch but i don't know
yeah i know but if by definition why would we touch it why would we even bring
it up
well if maybe somebody mentioned it on the phone and we say no we don't touch
that we shut it down
but it hasn't happened
it doesn't happen
derek
is going to want to get the ball
up
who's there
show an example
we'll do five calls and then we'll bring our guest on
i don't know
i think she's having a great time just being here i don't think she needs to
she's regretting getting here early
watching the train
she's having a blast
believe me
believe me
what's up
what's up
who's there
hey tim this is uh
shut up
look doug is just watching football i'm gonna cut his lap
and that means that everyone that
don't cut my lap
get me down
this green bay packers jack
he's just sitting over there watching football on his laptop
like i need that
highlights packers first jets week 16
can't you
can't you mute until you find something you want to show instead of just
broadcasting your stream of consciousness web searching on the air
let's hear what the caller wants and then we'll go from there i mean no one's
said anything except football lately
lately
go ahead
hello
who's there
hey tim this is mauricio good to see you last week at the uh l ray at the
concert
oh oh at the uh lemon twigs
yeah
i was at i was at the lemon twigs last week and uh i met you you were you were
bothering me about pins you have pins to sell
yeah i uh work with uh jimmy hendricks
you work with jimmy hendricks how old are you
well the estates it's just the estates uh future prior and stuff like that
right
but uh and yeah uh the reason i'm calling is uh last time in your podcast you
guys were t