Name: Office Hours Live (4/16/19)
Uploaded: 2019-04-16T18:25:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live (4/16/19)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live (4/16/19)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-16. Transcript available.

Office Hours Live (4/16/19)

8:25 Aristotel got some Elliot Smith
this seemed to Wow good morning everybody
oh
oh
oh
oh
oh
oh
oh
yeah
come on
come on
let's go in the room
good morning everybody welcome to office hours pre-show we are getting warmed
up here a little early for us
not too bad
good morning everybody
d-hop
lupin stance not in the house at the moment but he will be arriving he's
running a little just a touch
but I knew that he'd never forget her
I guess I'll pass around the link
good time to text your friends we are live
nothing else could have been done
to make her life a life song
hmm
she wouldn't mind
you never have to know anyone
make her life a life of love
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
I'm a monster, baby, it's me
Sounds pretty good
But I'm kicking it in the unison
Oh, such a pretty girl
Who likes to sing along
And don't know what it means to be a
He's the one who likes our silly songs
And he wants to sing along
And he wants to sing along
He's the one who likes our silly songs
And he likes to sing along
And don't know what it means to be a
I did it, I mashed
I did the mash
I did the mash
Doug is in the house
Dougie pops
Oh, he likes all those silly songs
And he likes to sing along
And he wants to sing along
Are you ready to kick this into high gear, everybody?
We want you to gather around
What's this now?
Are you giving me shit already?
We'll get into that
All right, ladies and gentlemen
The show is about to begin
That was a fade out
We don't love fade outs
We don't love them on this show
I'm going to kick it in a little early
Just so we get things happening
Oh, there's a little coda here
From Elliot Smith
A little coda at the end
A little fun
They had it in the studio
They had this little piece
They just threw it on
I'm taking this fucking sweatshirt off, dude
You get that?
Oh, I just popped her up
Good morning
Good morning
Wake up
Get out of bed
Get out of bed right now
If you're lying in bed
You little weasel
You rat
Get up
Get up
Get out of bed
If you're on the West Coast
If you're in
The East Coast
You've been up, I hope, for a while
Wake the fuck up
Wake up
Wake up
Wake up
We are ready to roll
We have gas in our tank
It is Taco Tuesday
Let's roll
Let's catch fire
Let's ride the wind
Going into the calls right away or what?
Quiet
Good morning
We are here on a very special time
8.30 a.m.
And an honor to be here this early
And talking to you guys
A little off
Doug, we're accommodating your schedule
You had some things at, I guess
That's right
It's something at 10, I suppose
I gotta be somewhere at 10.30
So
We make it work
But a little inside the office hours
Organizational structure
Give you guys a little sneak peek
Into the operations here
I
I think over the weekend
Talked simply to Doug and Vic
Excluding Aristotle from the conversation
I said, listen
There's a lot of things that went wrong in the chain here
I said
In a text on Sunday
I said, Doug
Vic
I'm traveling Wednesday through Friday
Is there any way you guys could do Tuesday?
Doug said
I can
But I gotta be somewhere at 10
So is there any way we could start earlier?
I said, that's fine with me, baby
You know I'm an early bird
So
And Vic said, of course
I'll do whatever you want
I'll follow you into the pits of hell, Heidecker
You are my captain
Aye, aye
Aye, aye, captain
You want me to be there and crack a dawn?
I'll do it
I'll make it work
I'll move mountains
But I didn't include Aristotle in this
So Monday I fire off an email
Switch to the email technology
I figure that's a little more official
It's not chatty
It is the way you schedule shit
And you included Aristotle
And you included Aristotle
A group email
Aristotle, Doug, and Vic
Said, are you guys cool with Thursday at 8.30?
Everyone wrote back except Doug
So that was confusing a little bit
It's official
You suck
You suck
The Thursday email went out
I don't know if it was an autocorrect or a typo
Thursday and Tuesday are very similar words, ladies and gentlemen
Start with a T
T
And then from there on
They are a little different
But they close out at the end
Very
Exactly the same
You start with the T
Then you go to
If you're trying to do Tuesday
You go to the U
But the U
Well, you said to accommodate me
That's why I didn't
Right
Respond
I thought it was a given
Right
Vic
Would you accept that?
Yeah, I believe it
So
Yeah, and I thought that
Another thing Tim does is
Get on mic a little
Okay, I'll get open the mic
And I thought
I thought
You don't have to be on top of it
But you can just be
I thought that
I thought that
You guys had talked
Let's just get on with the show
It doesn't matter
We made it, you know
I had a side thread going
Where Tim and you
Worked it out
That Thursday actually works for both of you guys
So I was like, all right
So anyways
Doug wrote late last night
After I had been sleeping for hours
Oh, did you mean Tuesday or Thursday?
And I panicked and said, uh-oh
Thank God I looked at Twitter last night
Right before I passed out
You'd be sitting here by yourself, Tim
Going, where's everybody?
This morning at 6
Screaming
To himself
6 in the morning
I fired off a text
Loser
Including Aristotle
I said, boys
I made a
I admitted my error
I said, I apologize
I know it's last minute
Can we do the show this morning
At the early hour
Give me three thumbs up
And we'll go live
And
Guess what, folks
I got one
Two
Three
Three
Thumbs up within the hour
And we are here live
Now you didn't need to know any of that
You just assume all's well
You just assume everything's cool
And all we do is just do professional shows
But there's a lot of chaos
There's a lot of backroom chaos going on
Another thing Tim does without fail
Just shut the fuck off
Is
He'll send a text the night before
See you guys tomorrow
Last night
Yeah, nothing
Didn't get that text
That's right
That is right
That's why
MX 80s fall out of the sky
I went to bed at like 9.30 last night
Is that what it's called?
Past that
It's not one thing that goes wrong
It's a chain of things that happen
Well, it wasn't meant to be
This show's gonna suck
We should have stayed home
Wait, you fell asleep early last night?
You suck!
What happened?
What happened?
What happened?
What happened?
I'm trying to think about what happened
I
Hey, what happened?
I had a little bit of a late session for something
Not the music, something else
That went till
Masturbation?
That went till a good 6.30 or 7 o'clock
I get home
What was it?
It was a project I'm working on
That required my attention
Your new band?
No
It's not music related
I can't speak to it
So
It's private and secret
You're building a man cave?
No, son
I am working for a living
And I was doing this
Anyways, I get home around 7
We are doing some work to our kitchen
So I was helping my wife
Take out all these pots and pans
And moving shit around
And putting my children to sleep
And working on a crossword puzzle
From Sunday's New York Times crossword puzzle
And by the time I got into my cozy bed
Under the covers
To watch a TV show
I looked on this
You ever go through all the various channels
All the Netflix
And I look at PBS app
Because sometimes I like their documentaries
I started scrolling through
I saw nothing I wanted to waste my time with
I said, you know what?
I'm out
Clear this
I'm out
I'm going to work on my puzzle
And then
What puzzle?
The New York Times
Oh, you're not out there
On the kitchen table
With a big thousand piece
No, no, no
This is a crossword puzzle
It requires intelligence
It requires knowledge
Of a broad swath of trivia
But also knowledge of words
And vocabulary
And I got about
I think about 80 to 90%
Dumb with the damn puzzle
But I'm stuck on a couple
I thought about bringing it in this morning
To try to finish it with the crowd
But then I thought
What a terrible show
That would result in
But listen
Before we get to calls
I have a big
Big
And I'm not kidding, folks
I need a big
I have a big announcement
This sounds like pots and pans
I'm still on the pots and pans
That's right
I want to hear more about the pots and pans
Yeah
I have a big announcement
You pot
You pot and pan head
Where the hell is my announcement music?
Oh, boy
Jeez
No, no, no, no
I need the trumpets
I need the trumpets
Anything like that
There you go
This just in
This just in
This just in
Stand by
Gather
Gather around
I guarantee you
Not a soul out there
Has any
Idea
That this is coming
Although maybe some people do
Gather around
Gather around for the big announcement
Now I'm just going to read this
I'm going to read the following
Coming in on Twitter
From
Drag City Records
This is an announcement
Coming in from Drag City Records
This is an important message
What is it?
This is an important message to everybody watching me right now
I'm warning you
With peace and love
This is the quote
Here we are
We are here for this
Doug, are you excited?
Can I guess it?
No
A deluxe
A deluxe
This is word for word
This is coming in right from Drag City's own
If you can look it up right now on Twitter
Drag City Records
You can read it with me alone at home
A deluxe
McDonald's breakfast
Oh
A deluxe
A deluxe
Hardbound
Episode by episode guide
To every aspect
Of the On Cinema universe
Including rare On Cinema
Decker and Dakar
Documents
Photographs
And ephemera
Plus
Exclusive bonus
For mail order customers
Folks
The official
On Cinema
At the Cinema Reader
Volume 1
From 2010 to 2018
Is coming
It's written by Brandon Kearney
It is available for pre-order right now
If you go to dragcity.com
I'm going to put the damn
You can't put the damn link in
In this chat here
But listen folks
I'm going to tweet it now
I have to tweet this
Wow
We are live with this
I can't believe
Guys
Can you believe this folks
What's the price point
On that thing
One thousand dollars
I think it's
Well let me just
Let me reiterate
That this is
Hardcover
It is covering ten years
It's a beautiful book
Greg and I
Personally oversaw
Its inception
Its creation
We fostered it along
Wow
But all credit must go
To Brandon Kearney
Gentleman
Who spent
Oh
Weeks and months
And over
About a year
I guess by now
Assembling this
Unique work
This tome
The price is
Can we guess the price
One dollar
Okay
Seven ninety nine
Price is right
Seven ninety nine
Okay I'm going to go
Two
Okay
How thick is it
How many pages
Two hundred and forty
Two hundred and eighty four pages
Okay I have to say
Fifty cents a page
It's about
One hundred and twenty bucks
No no
Sixty dollars
For the low
Fifty bucks
Fifty dollars
I would like to literally
Cut that in half
It is
Thirty five dollars
Folks
Thirty five bucks
That's actually not bad
That's worth it
These will be available
As far as I know
On our
On Cinema tour
Coming your way
I wouldn't pay more than
Five bucks for it
You'll get a free copy
You cheapskate
I remember when you first
Started on cinema
Talk to me about that
Tell me about your experience
And what you felt
What you're feeling
When I broke the news
Well you said
Greg and I have a podcast idea
And you went to your house
With Greg
To your house
You guys made them
They were like
Five minute episodes
Or something right
Of course
And you just rattled off
Twenty episodes
In an hour
The
Yeah
That was it
I said
Okay
I won't be listening to that
It doesn't sound like
You care much about anything
Well it did spring from that
And it's become
Obviously one of the most
Influential
And
Groundbreaking
Series
If you want to say
Series
You might say
Universe
If people like to talk
About universes
The Marvel universe
The universal
The universe we're in right now
Is probably one of the best universes
That we know of
But
Yes folks
It is true
We
We've spent a long time
Putting this together
Very excited about it
Another book
For the bookshelf
Is it bigger than
Say like the
Star Trek universe
Or
No
Not yet
But we're getting
What's your plan
For the next ten years
Tim
I can't tell you
That would be
We've got plenty
In store
More surprises
Around the corner
Just give us
What would you
Like to see
On cinema
In ten years
What
Do you think
I'll get a volume two
Ou