Name: Office Hours Live (5/14/19)
Uploaded: 2019-05-14T18:59:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live (5/14/19)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live (5/14/19)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-14. Transcript available.

Office Hours Live (5/14/19)

An audience up.
Uh-oh.
No regrets.
Today's theme is No Regrets.
Good morning, everybody.
We are live.
Oh, and the coffee flows through my blood.
Good morning, folks.
It's four minutes till 9 a.m. here in the West Coast.
Oh, no, racing way.
You just picked up a hitcher.
Drizzled around the white lines on the freeway.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh-oh.
That computer is frozen.
Come on.
Come on.
Saw a farmhouse burning down.
Okay.
In the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the night.
Go right past that tragedy.
How's it going, everybody?
We got a little Jonay Mitchell.
The next thing I know.
The next thing I know.
She's the best.
Pins me in a corner.
He won't take no.
He's wrecked me out on the dance floor.
Is it Jaco Pistorius?
Oh, yeah.
Meow.
Meow.
Which record is this?
Ajira.
How do you say it?
I don't even know.
Ajira.
H-E-J-I-R-A.
No, like late 70s.
Oh.
1976.
1976, you're right.
Jack, uh, wasn't...
He died in the set.
I think he's still...
Was he still going?
No, no, you're right.
You're right.
He died.
We'll find out.
We have a guest with us today.
I'll be introducing him shortly.
If you're wondering who that voice is.
On the road to Balgeny in my old home town.
He went running through the whiskers.
He got beat up in a bar.
He was like...
He punched him and he died.
Which is some stupid-ass thing.
Oh, really?
Like a Harry Dean situation.
That's how he did it.
Try to prove his strength.
Under your dark glasses.
Yeah.
I can, like, kind of hear you, but not really hear you.
No, I can get closer.
No, it's okay.
It's just like a nice little, like, coffee shop conversation going on in the
background.
About death.
No regrets, Coyote.
I saw the Jocko does a documentary.
Oh, okay.
My voice is shot, man.
If you want to call in today, we're on Skype at THeidecker underscore two.
And it's in the coffee shop.
Numerical two.
Arabic two.
Doug, are you ready for...
Vic, are you ready for some theme music?
Yes, I'm, uh...
I just need a second to find it.
Okay.
Hold on.
Doug's just coming back from the shitter.
I've got my remix.
We are going live in less than 30 seconds.
I want one of those countdown clocks.
I got it.
Okay.
You know, you know what to do at 9 a.m.
Yeah.
Don't do it.
Boom.
Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.
All right.
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
I like to laugh.
I like to laugh.
Good morning.
I like to meet people who can make me laugh.
Okay.
I like having fun.
Yes, I like to laugh.
Let's go.
I like having fun to meet people who laugh.
Okay.
Good morning, everybody.
Good morning.
It is Tuesday, May 14th.
Tax day.
I don't know.
It's amazing.
I think it is.
We're here in Glendale, California on an overcast, cool, crisp morning.
I'm going to take my flannel off.
My famous flannel featured in the When I Get Up music video.
It's one of the only shirts I own.
And we are here to have fun because we like having fun.
We like having fun.
I sound like Gene Simmons today.
I guess I sound like Vince Neil, Gene Simmons.
Oh, Vince Neil?
Mick Mars.
Somebody who's been up all night partying at the Sunset Marquee.
I've had three wonderful, four wonderful shows in the South this weekend on
cinema.
Yeah, good times, huh?
And I just, I give it 100%.
I give it 100%.
I scream.
I scream at the audience.
Where were you?
I was in North Carolina at Durham, two shows there, then Atlanta, down in
Atlanta.
It sounds like you're in Louisiana.
Yeah, that's the only one I can do.
And then Tennessee, Nashville, Tennessee.
Yep, down there, playing at the Grand Ole Opry.
It was a weekend of terrific shows.
Wow.
Wow, everybody.
Welcome to the show.
Welcome to the show, yeah.
Welcome to the show.
You know, you know, you know.
Yeah, yeah, you know.
Oh, you know.
Who do I sound like if I sound like this?
Yeah, you know.
Yeah, you know.
Yeah, you know.
You know, I got it bad.
I got it real bad.
I got it so, so bad.
Wait, where's my reverb?
Yes, I got it so, so bad.
I can't get my reverb now.
Show's over, folks.
Can't do it.
Wait.
Why?
I don't know how to do it.
I don't know how to do it.
It went away.
The reverb is gone?
Oh, no.
Wait a minute.
It's come back.
I got it.
Hold on.
It's come back.
Nah.
I can't hear you.
Oh, shit, I can't hear you.
We're going to get down.
What's that?
I can't hear you.
Vic, you're laughing.
You're laughing.
Yeah.
Sort of like that guy, Rob Zombie, maybe.
Yeah.
When you look into my eyes.
Who's the social distortion guy?
I don't know.
I should put him on.
Man, we play all these rock clubs.
You sound like, that doesn't sound like any singer.
It's very unique.
Either they, like, do that metal voice, the metal loan.
Yeah.
Which I, or it's, uh, Tom Waits, of course.
Waits, yeah.
We've done that already, but I love doing it again.
Do it again.
I can't hear you.
Should we play the Waits song?
When the lights go down.
In Tommy's bar, the chains go rattle round.
Where is the Tom Waits remix that the two kids made of one?
A lot of people made it.
They're so annoying.
They're very unpleasant to listen to.
They're great.
They're not great.
Do you have it, Vic?
When the bells go down in St. Marie,
The crime is called a little road.
Oh, wait.
I got one.
You got it?
What is it?
Yeah, we got to make a playlist with all of that.
Oh.
Hey, Eddie L on the boards.
Tim, I'm tuning in for the first time from Australia.
Yeah, we love it.
Is that, uh, that's Tom Waits?
No.
Okay, hold on.
I got to download this thing now.
Forget it.
All right.
Well, listen, welcome to the show.
No, it's coming in, okay?
I waited.
We have so much to get to, and Doug, you have to leave at 10 a.m.
It's an AIF file.
There it is.
There we go.
Somebody made this based on my impression?
Yeah.
I hate it.
Glad I got in there.
Oh, boy.
What key is this in, Tim?
Okay, we get it.
What?
Oh, come on.
Let's go.
Okay.
That was from, uh, Rainy, that was from Swordfish Trombone, 1986.
Uh, so much to do, so much to talk about today.
Um, first, I want to present Doug with a new, uh, present that I got him.
That's not, actually not for him to keep, but just for him to observe.
It is not a bomb, or not a, uh, marijuana pipe, you sickos.
It is a bird.
It's relaxing.
Doug, do you want to use that for this, to run a show today?
Yeah, give me access to it.
And, I like the part where he goes, let's listen to that real quick.
What is this?
Is that, who is that?
Is that Vince Neil?
Is it Vince Neil?
Who is it?
What word is he saying?
Maynard!
I don't know.
Oh, boy.
All right, well, we have a...
This is pretty cool.
Yeah.
Oh, you've mastered it.
I was not able to get a good tone out of that.
Is there water in it?
Just blow in it.
Is there water in it?
One of those?
Yeah.
It's pretty.
Wow, what a great show we have today.
Yeah.
People listen to this, huh?
My daughter got it at the Renaissance Fair this weekend, which I was so lucky
to avoid.
I did not have to go to the Renaissance Fair.
I was on the road.
Have you ever been to one of those?
Yes, and that's why I'll never go again.
I found it to be a nightmare.
It's the worst.
I don't know if I've talked about it on the show before, but...
Did Tim Heidecker Experience play?
The Tim Heidecker Masterpiece, thank you.
It's all these wannabe actors who are cosplaying Renaissance shit, and they're
walking around,
and they see you go, good day, sir.
Oh, a pleasant morrow to you.
Shut the fuck up.
Get the fuck out of here.
Don't you dare talk to me.
Get the hell out of here.
You went to them.
That's their world.
I know.
Hey, spare a farthing.
Nigel Andrews is there.
Oh, a spot of mead, governor.
A spot of mead.
A spot of liege, my lord.
Oh, I hate it.
And then you have to get some big old dry turkey leg.
I guess I'll get a turkey leg.
That sounds pretty good.
It's not.
Yeah.
And then all these women are dressed like they're in some porno.
They're walking around.
Their boobs are hanging out.
What kind of pornos are you watching?
They've all got syphilis.
Yeah.
People are dumping out their bedpans on the street.
Hello, lord.
Hello, my lord.
Would you care to go on a tumble in the hay?
They should have a real run of South's Fair where people have fleas.
Fleas.
That's the least of it.
Leprosy.
Leprosy.
Black plague.
Dead people in the street.
We're going to Leprosy Fest.
Let me introduce our guest who's with us this morning.
This is a man named Tommy Siegel.
Hi.
Tommy, you're going to have to get a lot closer to the mic today.
Tommy Siegel is a friend of Vic's who is also, are you the leader of this band
or are you
just like the fucking drummer?
Did I get stuck with the drummer?
Me and the other guy are kind of the co-lead singers.
Okay.
The band is called Jukebox the Ghost.
Who's the other guy?
Ty?
Ty Siegel.
Nice guy.
Pretty good.
Steven Siegel.
Oh, Steven.
You are also a cartoonist of some sort?
I am.
How do you know Vic?
What's the story here with Vic and you?
This little budding romance here.
Yeah, this is a budding romance.
No, I had a band called Nark Twain.
It was like a punk band on the side.
And I reached out to Vic to do a music video.
And you're like, listen, I've got no money.
Yeah.
You paid me.
Okay.
Yes.
Good.
It was a fair deal.
And this was like, was this three years ago already?
Longer.
I think it was like 20.
20 years ago.
Check that video out though.
If you want to.
Vic, I never saw this video.
It stars Ted Cruz and his family.
Oh, okay.
Oh, all right.
During all the debates and everything.
And so your band, Jukebox the Ghost, how long have they been around for?
We've been around for like, I met those guys in college like 15 years ago.
Wow.
And you have, you have, here's the, let me just give you a qualification and an
apology.
I don't know anything about your band or you or anything.
I told Vic, I said, I don't know who this guy is.
All right.
I need celebrities on the show.
I need, I need, but, but I also don't do any work to make that happen.
So I said, well, let's bring him in and I'll get to know him.
If he likes Vic and you're a fan of the show, you listen to the show?
I am.
You guys actually have the distinction of, this is the first podcast.
I've, I'm not a podcast guy.
Right.
This is the first podcast I've ever subscribed to.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
It's, it's just this.
Yeah.
Just this.
And well, it's a free subscription.
So not a lot of investment coming from you on that, but we appreciate it.
We appreciate it.
And, but so then I looked you guys up and you, you're a, would you, you're a
successful
band.
You've got, let me tell you the numbers on Spotify.
This is why I care about his numbers.
The song Fred Astaire has 3 million listens.
How'd you rig that?
How'd you, how'd you game the system?
Bots?
Yeah.
Are you in the box?
All the people searching for Fred Astaire dance videos just.
Oh, that's how it goes.
And then the next track is girl with actually more with 6 million listens and
they're trying
to find John, uh, the Beatles girl song.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Put it on your most listened to song.
Yeah.
Check out a free bird by jukeboxes.
It goes, this is their music.
So you don't need to do any promotion for your mute.
You're doing fine.
Well, yeah.
Yeah.
We don't even have a new record right now.
So this is just.
Oh, well you have something that came out in 2019 off to the races.
Oh, that was like, it was like a deluxe edition.
When did that come out originally?
Oh, 2018.
Last year.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Year and a half ago.
That's nice.
Is this you singing?
Uh, no.
That's the other guy.
Well, why don't we bring him in?
Number one song in the world.
It's like, where's your great fucking record?
I know.
I'm trying to.
Uh, what are you doing in the band?
Uh, I sing and play guitar.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
So do you, uh, tour?
That's a great fucking record.
We do.
We do.
We just finished like a month long, uh, a month long tour.
Wow.
Where, where did you go?
All over the States?
All over, all over the States.
Where do you play in LA?
Give me a sense of your audience size.
Are you, are you the headliner?
Yeah.
Wow.
Um, I can't remember the name.
Absolutely not.
Uh, the, the, it was the Fonda.
Okay.
I, I get it now.
Y