Name: OFFICE HOURS LIVE (1/08/2020)
Uploaded: 2020-01-08T20:04:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'OFFICE HOURS LIVE (1/08/2020)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'OFFICE HOURS LIVE (1/08/2020)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-08. Transcript available.

OFFICE HOURS LIVE (1/08/2020)

I kiss you in the mood, it's a blast on my mind.
Good morning.
I won't do what you tell me.
Oh, no, no, no.
I won't do what you tell me.
I can't do that.
I won't do what you tell me.
I won't do what you tell me.
I won't do what you tell me.
I won't do what you tell me.
I won't do what you tell me.
I won't do what you tell me.
Oh, no.
I won't do what you tell me.
I won't do what you tell me.
I won't do what you tell me.
I won't do what you tell me.
I won't do what you tell me.
I won't do what you tell me.
I won't do what you tell me.
I won't do what you tell me.
I won't do what you tell me.
I won't do what you tell me.
I won't do what you tell me.
Good morning.
Happy New Year.
Come on now.
Nice work, Doug.
Yeah, Doug is back.
Doug is back.
Doug is back.
Doug is back.
Doug is back.
Doug is back.
Good morning.
It's the Holy Trinity back in action.
2020.
Let's go.
The year is 2020.
The date is January 8th.
The day of the week happens to be a Wednesday.
It's a hump day.
It's the first full week back.
A lot of people, they have their New Year's Day on the Wednesday.
And then you have Thursday saying, "What am I going to do?
Go to work today?"
I don't think so, Jack.
Hello.
And then Friday comes and you're just taking the Friday off.
I get your legs straight, Jack.
I get your legs straight, Jack.
I got hairy legs.
I get your legs straight, Jack.
I get your legs straight, Jack.
I get your legs straight, Jack.
I got hairy legs.
I get your legs straight, Jack.
I get your legs straight, Jack.
I get your legs straight, Jack.
That's the best.
We are in a state of war.
I'm going to turn it over to the callers.
I was, I was almost texting you guys last night to give me like a, uh, office
hours branded state of, uh, state of war.
No.
No.
Wake up!
Wake up!
Wake up!
Wake up!
Wake up!
Wake!
Wait a minute.
Hold on.
There's a major problem happening and I'm not hearing it.
Everyone's saying echo.
There's a doubling going on.
Oh.
Why would that be happening?
Wait.
Doing a test.
Is it?
Is the YouTube, uh, stream going?
It is.
I mean, is it, is it broadcasting the YouTube stream?
Echo checking one, two, did I fix it?
Everything is fine.
Echo.
What is it?
What do you mean?
It's like two outputs.
I know.
What is that?
I know.
Uh, Aristotle.
Thank you.
Did you fix it?
Yeah.
Okay.
We fixed it.
Wake up!
Wake up!
I'll tell you what happened.
We have the audio from the phone, the actual microphone in the phone, picking
up the show
as well and being broadcast out.
It's a mistake by Aristotle.
It's a ding on him.
That's his first of the day.
We have a two strike policy.
Wake up!
Boo!
Thank you guys for letting me know.
Of course, there was a moment of panic there, but we kept our cool.
Someone's on the line?
Everybody just...
Hello, everybody.
Welcome.
Let's start the show again.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
All right.
Calm down, Doug.
I'm happy.
I'm not touching.
No more of that.
That's...
No more of that.
That's amazing.
That's amazing.
Stop it.
That's amazing.
You stop it.
Yeah.
One, two.
Stop it.
Jeez, man.
By the way...
By the way...
I spent a long time doing dropses.
Really?
You got a lot on...
Well, nobody's listening, by the way.
There's only...
There's three people in the live stream right now.
Well, Vic, you have this underrated drop that is my favorite.
it. One, two. Stop it. Jeez, man. By the way. I spent a long time doing drops.
Really? Well, nobody's
listening, by the way. There's three people in the live stream. Well, Vic, you
have this
underrated drop that is my favorite. That is a laugh. It's like a squeal. It
sounds like
a horse or something. Who is that? People complain about that one. Which one is
it? I think
it's this one. Oh, it is? I thought it was like a Star Wars thing. He's got
some range.
I found a similar one. You want to hear it? It's the debut. That's Rogan, right?
It is.
Yeah. How did you notice that? That's a good one. Oh, no. All right. Let's not
get to
the overtone. He's got like the low gravel in there. Let's not get too in the
weeds here,
guys. Oh, we're just coming in hot, Tim. I know. I can't help it. That is
painful for
me. I think there's a fun level of mystery around the drops, and maybe you want
to try
to think about that. Well, okay. There's 9,000 drops here. I just wanted to
know about one.
All right. Listen, now's the time for you listeners to let your friends know
that we are live. Why
not? Send a note and get people into the space. Get people in the room. There's
so much stuff
to make fun of. We're going to have a great show today. I believe we're going
to talk with
our old friend Jay Weingarten today. He said he's got some jokes for us. Yeah.
Good times, huh?
So that's going to be a lot of fun. What else is going on? I like to do this. I
like to first
get a caller into the room, into the virtual room, and see how everyone's doing.
Let's make
sure those technicals are working. Are you ready? Hey, are you ready for this?
Hello? Anyone home?
I can't hear you. Anyone there? I can't hear you. Make some noise.
Here you go. Create another fable. You wanted to. Huh? Hello? Huh? Anyone there?
What? Hello? Hello? Hey, who's this? What? Hi, Tim. This is boring Kurdistan
Chris calling to wish you a happy new year. Ah, Kurdistan Chris. Where are you
calling from today, buddy? Well, I'm actually not in Kurdistan anymore, but I
am in Georgia the country. The country of Georgia.
Georgia. Yes, there is a country called Georgia as well. I know. You don't
think I know that? All right, well, what do you have to report for us?
I'm not ashamed to admit that. This is our foreign correspondent. Our foreign
correspondent Curtis. Well, I just want to say I'm trying to get the office
hours word spread out around here. We're trying to get as many cars as we can
from the country of Georgia, so I'm working. You know, it's a work in progress,
but I'm going to try to recruit as best I can.
Now, here's a couple of questions I have about the country of Georgia. Language.
Language is Georgian.
So let's say let's play like this. They go, hey, dude. I'm the president of
Georgia. I'm the president of Georgia. And here's the thing. We got to protect
ourselves from the Russians and Putin. Putin got to back himself up now.
Because we are our own sovereign country. Now. I'm glad I could make you laugh
if no one else.
In Georgia, they say, in Georgia, if you want to say hello, in Georgia, the
country, you say Gamar Joba.
Gamar Joba, see? That's it. That's it.
I don't. I got my dog before you.
Laughter is contagious, friends.
And if I were a casual listener, I would have tuned out.
There's too much. Oh, my God. You got to see this guy listening to music.
That's very funny.
You have to understand. Oh, he is loving music right now.
You have to understand. I have a big window out here. I could see the people.
This guy is fucking going like this.
All right. Well, listen, be safe.
We could take this out there.
Wait, I have a question. I have something I wanted to say.
Can you hear me? Am I still there?
Stand by. I'm trying to get a zoom.
Oh, you can't zoom.
A what?
Oh, well.
Thank you.
A what?
All right.
OK, I just want to say that I hope that you had a great new year, but I want to
say from last year, one of my highlights from last year, because I know that
you weren't able to do an end of year show for office hours.
But I want to say one of my highlights was, I think, very, very wasn't talked
about enough.
But from Channel 5, our bodies was I think that it was one of the greatest
things you and Eric have ever done.
And I was laughing the most, I think, out of all of the new creations that you
had was was I had a question, though.
Like, what's up with with Dr. Mark Larson?
Like, is he is he a real man?
Can you give this information?
Is he a doctor or is this something that he was a he was a real doctor?
He is a real doctor.
But anyway, that was a real book.
And but he was a good sport.
I don't have much else to.
Well, I want to say that.
How about this?
Like, did you and Eric have a was it?
Did you have a difficult time shooting this?
Because there were you guys kept it together so well.
No, we didn't, though.
You can tell episode.
If you go back and watch that, you could tell there are tears in our eyes.
Because we cannot keep it together.
We were cracking each other.
The point is, let me just.
You guys were really good sports through that.
Because, like, it was really unbelievable.
I was just howling.
How do you mean we were.
I'm sure everyone else was.
How do you mean we were good sports?
Like, you guys are real good sports during that.
We were good sports.
You guys are really good.
So, you guys are just great sports in general.
Well, I just.
I don't want to make this.
You know, we are leaving for tour on Saturday.
Stop it.
What is that?
Is that Georgia boy?
That's Georgia.
All right.
Thank you, Georgia boy.
I'll just.
You know, we've spent the past week in rehearsals for the Big Tim and Eric tour.
And speaking of cracking up and everything.
Doug, you can't speak to this because you're not a part of this tour,
unfortunately.
But Vic has been around it.
And have we gotten through any of our routines without cracking up like little
idiots?
No, it hasn't been straight at all.
It's been a big mess.
But that's a good sign, don't you think?
Yeah.
I think it's going to be one of the best tours.
And I've seen three, I think.
You've seen three of them?
Two, I think.
Two.
Two.
Yeah.
You were in Philadelphia for the last 10-year reunion.
And you saw the Steve Bruhl one, too?
Oh, because I knew you back then already?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Pretty cool.
Pretty cool.
Yeah, there's a particular part of the show that I have not gotten anywhere
close to completing
without, like, just losing it because it's very stupid.
We are going to give away two tickets to the Tim and Eric awesome show, the Tim
and Eric
mandatory tour during the show today.
Now, here's my problem.
I was thinking about this as I was showering.
I was taking a bar of soap, and I lathered it and was caressing all over inside
my legs.
People respect you.
And my asshole.
And I was, you know, soaping up, Doug.
I got hairy legs.
You know how that goes, right?
I was soaping up in the hot shower.
The pounding.
Lathering my balls and my feet and every part of my body, cleaning them.
Cleaning under my arms.
And I'm thinking, we have to do a contest.
It's the last show before the tour.
Just drain balls.
What can I do?
Long balls.
You got long-ass balls.
What can I do?
How do we actually do this?
And I'm open to taking suggestions, but I haven't figured it out.
How do we give away two tickets?
And I'm talking, I could just say, next caller, fifth caller.
What do they used to do on radio?
If you're the fifth caller, you get two tickets to see Tim and Eric on their
mandatory tour.
How do I actually physically get these?
Because we can't do the thing where stay on the line and our producer will talk
to you.
We can't do that, right?
How about whoever donates the most money to the Australian fires gets free
tickets?
Well, that's fine.
Tickets are less than the donation amount.
Well, I mean, listen, that's a good point, Doug.
No, I mean, because look, people want something free.
So that's not really free.
But you should donate to that.
Well, let's talk about that because we are headed for Australia first.
And I know we have several Australian listeners.
It's my new kangaroo drop.
That's a kangaroo.
I've never been up that close.
We are trying to figure out a way to donate money to the Australian situation
while we're down there
because, you know, we're going to get a bunch of people into the same place
every night.
So we might as well have some kind of charity, you know, like a donations box.
I saw that Nick Kroll was down there and he raised something like four grand.
So my pledge is...
That's a koala.
Wow.
What I'm calling for is...
It's not a koala.
That was a koala.
What?
All right.
Get it out.
Get it out of your system there.
Tripping balls with your 