Name: Tim Heidecker vs Robert "The Goonies" Davi (Best of Office Hours 3/13/20)
Uploaded: 2020-03-17T03:53:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Heidecker vs Robert "The Goonies" Davi (Best of Office Hours 3/13/20)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Heidecker vs Robert "The Goonies" Davi (Best of Office Hours 3/13/20)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-17. Transcript available.

Okay, Natasha, thanks for calling in.
You're our first celebrity caller of the new era.
All the best.
Okay.
Cut to tape.
Shalom.
Shalom to you.
Cut to tape.
Hello?
Who's there?
Hello?
Shabbat Shalom.
Who's this?
Hello, is this Robert Davi?
This is Robert Davi.
Robert Davi, yes.
And who is this?
This is Tim Heidecker, host of Office Hours Live.
We are live.
And we are on the air right now.
Hey, it's Vic here.
How you doing, Robert?
All right.
Can you hear me okay?
It's a little choppy.
It's a little choppy.
Where are you calling from?
The underground bunker?
So how far underground are you, Robert?
I'm about, I'm not really underground, so to say.
But I've got a moat around the house.
Perfect.
Now, Robert, what are you doing to protect yourself and your family from the oncoming,
the pandemic that we're living through right now?
Anything specific you're doing differently that you can advise us on?
I think everybody's doing the same thing.
I mean, you know, you stock up on the things you need.
And to be very cautious.
I've got, you know, in all the cars, I've got the, you know, I've got a bunch
of the dial soaps.
I've got the wipes.
I've got the hand sanitizers.
I've got the masks, you know, and who knows?
You know, you just kind of, and I keep a distance.
You know, I like, even when I drive, I do this.
I keep like, you know, car lanes away from other cars.
I don't like to be, I don't need to be the first guy.
You know what I'm saying?
No.
Did you bleach your moat?
Keep a car lanes away from everybody else.
Did you bleach your moat?
Oh, did you bleach your moat?
Our co-host, Doug Lussenhop, is asking.
I don't know what that means.
Well, he's got a moat, and the moat could be breeding, you know.
It's got fire around it.
You kill the animals inside.
It's a moat of fire.
Oh, the moat is on fire.
I understand.
How, how, how put at ease and rest assured were you after the president's
speech the other night?
Well, I thought it came, look, I'm a pragmatic guy.
I'm a huge supporter of the president.
I wasn't crazy about the speech, to be honest.
And I thought it was too, came too late.
Yeah.
That's big stuff.
I felt two months ago, they should have closed everything down.
We have it under control.
It's going to be just fine.
I think we should call it the Wuhan flu.
Why?
Well, let me ask you about this.
I don't understand.
What's wrong with the two words we have going already?
What's wrong with corona or COVID-19?
What's the problem with those two words?
You know what?
Because here it is.
What's wrong with it?
It's a political correct ship.
That's what's wrong with it.
But who cares?
Nile virus, dengue fever.
It's the Wuhan flu.
Wuhan virus.
Calm down, Robert.
Who cares where?
Why does it matter that we identify it from location when we have a better word
for it?
Isn't that just evolution of human beings being more, you know, sort of more
educated and more
respectful?
Well, just because we did something in the past doesn't mean we have to do it
now.
No.
Make an argument for why it needs to be called from the city it came from.
It is.
I know what you people are doing.
It's all dog whistle.
You're saying wink, wink, wink, Wuhan.
Well, it's called corona.
It's called COVID-19.
It's not bad at all.
Why can't you just...
It's not bad at all.
Yes, it is.
Come on.
Be honest with our listeners.
It's not bad at all.
Why then?
Why do you insist on calling it Wuhan with a wink?
I'm honest.
I'm totally honest.
Go ahead.
Be honest with me.
That's why...
Why call it Wuhan?
Why call it Wuhan?
I'll show you and your listeners where CNN, every pundit on CNN called it the
Wuhan virus.
Right.
And then...
And all of a sudden, the left got together and said, let's make this an issue
and not call
it that.
No, listen.
You know what happened?
I'll show you...
You know what happened?
The CDC and the government got involved.
I'm John Gabby.
I'll tweet this out.
Quiet.
You quiet.
Listen to me.
Hey, you're on my show, you son of a bitch.
Now listen to me.
Now listen.
Now shut the fire.
Listen to me.
The scientific community came out and said, this is the technical, scientific
name for
this pandemic, this virus.
And then why can't we all say, good, now we have a better, more accurate name.
We're more educated.
This is what we're calling it now.
We're being responsible.
We're being respectful.
This obviously started somewhere.
It grew from there.
And now it's everywhere.
So why can't you just leave the past behind?
And your argument about, well, it was the West Nile, then there was the Spanish
flu, then
why can't things be the way they used to be?
Just be more evolved than that and be more open and honest to the truth, Mr.
Davi, with
all respect, with all respect, with all great respect.
And you're using it as a political, you're using it as a political, you know,
whatever.
It's a dog whistle.
That's all it is.
It is.
How do you, it's gaslighting, son of a bitch.
Can I ask you a question?
Can I ask you a question?
I'll take any questions.
That's what this show is all about.
Can I ask you a question?
No.
All right.
That's my question.
In Wuhan, China, in Wuhan, China, do they have a biological chemical lab?
Do they have that in Wuhan, China?
Does, let me ask you a question.
Does, uh, does Los Angeles, does Los Angeles have one?
Then you can ask me and I'll answer you.
I'll, I'll take your word on it that they do.
And now I'll take your word on it that they do.
Now, now do you know that the frequency of this Wuhan virus, okay, do you know
that there
is, uh, I don't know if it's true or not, but I've been hearing things.
Oh, you sound like Trump.
A lot of people are saying, wait a minute.
What did you make of Trump last week saying anybody that wants a test will get
one?
Anybody that needs a test gets a test.
Huh?
And the tests are beautiful.
Huh?
Look, I don't, I think we should have.
Is that not Trump's, is that not Trump's, is that not his, the soundbite that
will play
until the election?
Is that not his, you've done a heck of a job, Brownie?
Is that not a disastrous, uh, remark from the, the leader of the free world?
Isn't that an illegitimate, isn't that a disqualifying remark to make for our
president
in light of all the, of, of people suffering and dying and a disease that's out
of control?
Your remarks, sir.
He said that anyone that wants to be tested could be tested.
Is that what he said?
Anybody that needs a test can have a test.
Now that's factually.
And, and he knew that was incorrect, but he didn't want to sound like they had
things out
of control.
He didn't want to sound like that.
He couldn't deliver.
And so he just lied.
He made something up and it created a false sense of, uh, what the, where the,
what the
situation was, uh, where the situation was, was at at the time.
Isn't that grossly irresponsible?
Yeah.
Well, you know what?
But he gets a million passes.
What's irresponsible to me?
He gets a million, he gets a million passes.
The apologizing, the apologizing that you people do for this dope, this oath.
I wasn't happy with the speech, totally.
Good.
I gave you that.
I gave you that.
I felt that we could do more earlier.
Are you a global?
Am I a global?
No, I don't, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not a guy that goes with labels, you know?
I've always thought of the importance of communication.
I'm not an ist, you know?
But I'm just asking you, are you?
But you just put that up.
We can't have an honest conversation unless you tell me your point of view.
My point?
I'm not a globalist.
I'll tell you right now.
I am a globalist.
I believe we are living one planet.
You hear me?
I hear we live on one planet that we got to take care of.
We got to respect the people.
I don't care if they're living down the street from me or they live down in the
West Nile village
off the, you know, off the beautiful Nile River.
I believe we have an obligation to try to do our best to the human race, to the
human condition.
And how do we do that?
We do, we do fair, we don't do free trade.
We do fair trade, Robert.
We do fair trade.
Because the reason you're wearing $25 sneakers, the reason you're wearing $25
sneakers, my
friend, is because somebody's making them on slave wages.
But you don't want to support slavery as long as it ain't no Americans.
What you deserve.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
That's, no.
No, wait, wait, wait.
Don't, don't, don't try to fucking hang me out like this.
I'm not hanging nobody out.
Don't hang me out like this.
Without, without me being, don't try to make me your, your piñata.
I'm nobody's piñata, Pally.
Hey, listen to me, Robert.
I'm not your piñata.
I'm nobody's piñata neither now.
Now, I have great, great admiration and I've got great respect for you.
I bet you got some candy in your gut.
You want to say, you want to say a few different points.
You want to say, and I understand that, but I'm not a globalist.
And that doesn't mean I don't want to take care of the planet or I don't want
to take
care of people in the world, which we do.
Not saying that, but I believe that we should have national, I like culture.
I like going to Sweden.
I like going to Norway.
I like going to Africa.
I like going to Antarctica.
I like the different states and the different countries and cultures.
I don't want to lose.
That's what I'm saying in terms of globalism.
And also the globalist, you know, there's a whole other, look, this is a, this
is a real
shit down.
This is a real conversation because it's a lot more nuanced than a couple of
men doing
stuff.
Listen, what we, what you and I are doing right now, we're in the virtual
boxing ring.
We're sparring.
We're having fun.
We're getting loud.
We're getting, you know, that's the kind of guys we are.
Doing it with love.
It's all love.
Love and appreciation.
All working together towards love.
That's right, Vic.
Look at, and it's had nothing to do with Alec Jones.
I just look at something and look at it from, because I'm an actor, I've been
in theatrics
my whole life.
So I look at the drama, I go, what's underneath it?
What could be, you know, it's like a thing that I've been on Homeland Security
Policy Institute
at George Washington University since 2002, because I think outside the box, I
come up
with, hey, you know what, what if, what if this happens, you know, where normal
people
may not go to.
But anyway, so I think there's something with this virus that we don't know.
Well.
And maybe it's just bullshit, but I appreciate that.
All right?
All right.
Listen.
Can this be a virus targeting out the population?
I send you.
I can't say if it's not.
Okay.
Robert, this was an honor.
When it's been out of population.
Thank you, Robert.
Okay.
We just had to kill it.
Thank you, Robert.
Thank you, Robert.
I was wondering what he thought about that trillion dollar bailout that's
coming.
That trillion dollar movie's coming.
Is he calling back?
Hey, Robert.
Hey, sorry.
The phone cutout was dropping out.
Hey, hold on a second.
Let me put you on speaker here.
That'll work.
Okay.
Are you there?
Come on.
Yeah, I'm here.
The fight wasn't finished.
Oh, there you go.
The fight wasn't finished.
No, the referee came in and called it.
They said it was a draw.
Did you throw in the towel?
Did you throw in the towel like a pussy?
No.
How dare you, you son of a bitch.
Now listen to me.
Here's how this is going to go.
No, we had to move on.
Listen, it's a great conversation.
You're welcome on any time.
I love opposing points of view.
It makes the show dynamic and fascinating and something people have to listen
to.
They have to be there.
But you know what?
I want everybody to go look up the Bob Dylan music video with him.
Oh, did you get to work with Bob?
He's my hero.
Of course.
I'm like Dylan.
Bob Dylan, Marlon Brando.
Did Dylan say more than two words to you?
Or was he elusive and weird and sort of just like, hey, I'm good to meet you.
Don't touch me.
I can't hear you.
All the best.
Hey, I'm Doug, man.
Not Bob Dylan.
Let's set this up again, Robert.
When we have better Wi-Fi and we'll talk Dylan, okay?
Thank you, Robert.
Are we off the air right now?
Oh, no.
No, we're not.
I'll go to another room.
That was a good, that was a, that was Vic really earning his stripes here on
the show.
Getting that to happen.
Vic's gone for the next 30 minutes though.
He'll be on the phone with Robert.
He's in the back room.
Vic's getting yelled at right now.
I'm going to need my wife to come by and bring me more t-shirts because I am
sweating like
a pig and who knows where this, Vic is, that was, but ladies and gentlemen, Vic
is really
loud over there.
That was Robert Davi.
Look him up.
Robert D-A-V-I is a, you know, a character actor.
Yeah, he was in the Goonies.
He was the bad, one of the bad guys in the Goonies.
I like, I mean, we got, you gotta like the guy.
Everything's good.
He wants to do an in-studio.
Oh, Christ.
You guys are going to kick my ass.
We should do it in a boxing ring.
Hey, how about me?
I think I held my own though.
Don't you think?
Absolutely.
I didn't clam up.

Tim Heidecker vs Robert "The Goonies" Davi (Best of Office Hours 3/13/20)

Okay, Natasha, thanks for calling in.
You're our first celebrity caller of the new era.
All the best.
Okay.
Cut to tape.
Shalom.
Shalom to you.
Cut to tape.
Hello?
Who's there?
Hello?
Shabbat Shalom.
Who's this?
Hello, is this Robert Davi?
This is Robert Davi.
Robert Davi, yes.
And who is this?
This is Tim Heidecker, host of Office Hours Live.
We are live.
And we are on the air right now.
Hey, it's Vic here.
How you doing, Robert?
All right.
Can you hear me okay?
It's a little choppy.
It's a little choppy.
Where are you calling from?
The underground bunker?
So how far underground are you, Robert?
I'm about, I'm not really underground, so to say.
But I've got a moat around the house.
Perfect.
Now, Robert, what are you doing to protect yourself and your family from the oncoming,
the pandemic that we're living through right now?
Anything specific you're doing differently that you can advise us on?
I think everybody's doing the same thing.
I mean, you know, you stock up on the things you need.
And to be very cautious.
I've got, you know, in all the cars, I've got the, you know, I've got a bunch
of the dial soaps.
I've got the wipes.
I've got the hand sanitizers.
I've got the masks, you know, and who knows?
You know, you just kind of, and I keep a distance.
You know, I like, even when I drive, I do this.
I keep like, you know, car lanes away from other cars.
I don't like to be, I don't need to be the first guy.
You know what I'm saying?
No.
Did you bleach your moat?
Keep a car lanes away from everybody else.
Did you bleach your moat?
Oh, did you bleach your moat?
Our co-host, Doug Lussenhop, is asking.
I don't know what that means.
Well, he's got a moat, and the moat could be breeding, you know.
It's got fire around it.
You kill the animals inside.
It's a moat of fire.
Oh, the moat is on fire.
I understand.
How, how, how put at ease and rest assured were you after the president's
speech the other night?
Well, I thought it came, look, I'm a pragmatic guy.
I'm a huge supporter of the president.
I wasn't crazy about the speech, to be honest.
And I thought it was too, came too late.
Yeah.
That's big stuff.
I felt two months ago, they should have closed everything down.
We have it under control.
It's going to be just fine.
I think we should call it the Wuhan flu.
Why?
Well, let me ask you about this.
I don't understand.
What's wrong with the two words we have going already?
What's wrong with corona or COVID-19?
What's the problem with those two words?
You know what?
Because here it is.
What's wrong with it?
It's a political correct ship.
That's what's wrong with it.
But who cares?
Nile virus, dengue fever.
It's the Wuhan flu.
Wuhan virus.
Calm down, Robert.
Who cares where?
Why does it matter that we identify it from location when we have a better word
for it?
Isn't that just evolution of human beings being more, you know, sort of more
educated and more
respectful?
Well, just because we did something in the past doesn't mean we have to do it
now.
No.
Make an argument for why it needs to be called from the city it came from.
It is.
I know what you people are doing.
It's all dog whistle.
You're saying wink, wink, wink, Wuhan.
Well, it's called corona.
It's called COVID-19.
It's not bad at all.
Why can't you just...
It's not bad at all.
Yes, it is.
Come on.
Be honest with our listeners.
It's not bad at all.
Why then?
Why do you insist on calling it Wuhan with a wink?
I'm honest.
I'm totally honest.
Go ahead.
Be honest with me.
That's why...
Why call it Wuhan?
Why call it Wuhan?
I'll show you and your listeners where CNN, every pundit on CNN called it the
Wuhan virus.
Right.
And then...
And all of a sudden, the left got together and said, let's make this an issue
and not call
it that.
No, listen.
You know what happened?
I'll show you...
You know what happened?
The CDC and the government got involved.
I'm John Gabby.
I'll tweet this out.
Quiet.
You quiet.
Listen to me.
Hey, you're on my show, you son of a bitch.
Now listen to me.
Now listen.
Now shut the fire.
Listen to me.
The scientific community came out and said, this is the technical, scientific
name for
this pandemic, this virus.
And then why can't we all say, good, now we have a better, more accurate name.
We're more educated.
This is what we're calling it now.
We're being responsible.
We're being respectful.
This obviously started somewhere.
It grew from there.
And now it's everywhere.
So why can't you just leave the past behind?
And your argument about, well, it was the West Nile, then there was the Spanish
flu, then
why can't things be the way they used to be?
Just be more evolved than that and be more open and honest to the truth, Mr.
Davi, with
all respect, with all respect, with all great respect.
And you're using it as a political, you're using it as a political, you know,
whatever.
It's a dog whistle.
That's all it is.
It is.
How do you, it's gaslighting, son of a bitch.
Can I ask you a question?
Can I ask you a question?
I'll take any questions.
That's what this show is all about.
Can I ask you a question?
No.
All right.
That's my question.
In Wuhan, China, in Wuhan, China, do they have a biological chemical lab?
Do they have that in Wuhan, China?
Does, let me ask you a question.
Does, uh, does Los Angeles, does Los Angeles have one?
Then you can ask me and I'll answer you.
I'll, I'll take your word on it that they do.
And now I'll take your word on it that they do.
Now, now do you know that the frequency of this Wuhan virus, okay, do you know
that there
is, uh, I don't know if it's true or not, but I've been hearing things.
Oh, you sound like Trump.
A lot of people are saying, wait a minute.
What did you make of Trump last week saying anybody that wants a test will get
one?
Anybody that needs a test gets a test.
Huh?
And the tests are beautiful.
Huh?
Look, I don't, I think we should have.
Is that not Trump's, is that not Trump's, is that not his, the soundbite that
will play
until the election?
Is that not his, you've done a heck of a job, Brownie?
Is that not a disastrous, uh, remark from the, the leader of the free world?
Isn't that an illegitimate, isn't that a disqualifying remark to make for our
president
in light of all the, of, of people suffering and dying and a disease that's out
of control?
Your remarks, sir.
He said that anyone that wants to be tested could be tested.
Is that what he said?
Anybody that needs a test can have a test.
Now that's factually.
And, and he knew that was incorrect, but he didn't want to sound like they had
things out
of control.
He didn't want to sound like that.
He couldn't deliver.
And so he just lied.
He made something up and it created a false sense of, uh, what the, where the,
what the
situation was, uh, where the situation was, was at at the time.
Isn't that grossly irresponsible?
Yeah.
Well, you know what?
But he gets a million passes.
What's irresponsible to me?
He gets a million, he gets a million passes.
The apologizing, the apologizing that you people do for this dope, this oath.
I wasn't happy with the speech, totally.
Good.
I gave you that.
I gave you that.
I felt that we could do more earlier.
Are you a global?
Am I a global?
No, I don't, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not a guy that goes with labels, you know?
I've always thought of the importance of communication.
I'm not an ist, you know?
But I'm just asking you, are you?
But you just put that up.
We can't have an honest conversation unless you tell me your point of view.
My point?
I'm not a globalist.
I'll tell you right now.
I am a globalist.
I believe we are living one planet.
You hear me?
I hear we live on one planet that we got to take care of.
We got to respect the people.
I don't care if they're living down the street from me or they live down in the
West Nile village
off the, you know, off the beautiful Nile River.
I believe we have an obligation to try to do our best to the human race, to the
human condition.
And how do we do that?
We do, we do fair, we don't do free trade.
We do fair trade, Robert.
We do fair trade.
Because the reason you're wearing $25 sneakers, the reason you're wearing $25
sneakers, my
friend, is because somebody's making them on slave wages.
But you don't want to support slavery as long as it ain't no Americans.
What you deserve.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
That's, no.
No, wait, wait, wait.
Don't, don't, don't try to fucking hang me out like this.
I'm not hanging nobody out.
Don't hang me out like this.
Without, without me being, don't try to make me your, your piñata.
I'm nobody's piñata, Pally.
Hey, listen to me, Robert.
I'm not your piñata.
I'm nobody's piñata neither now.
Now, I have great, great admiration and I've got great respect for you.
I bet you got some candy in your gut.
You want to say, you want to say a few different points.
You want to say, and I understand that, but I'm not a globalist.
And that doesn't mean I don't want to take care of the planet or I don't want
to take
care of people in the world, which we do.
Not saying that, but I believe that we should have national, I like culture.
I like going to Sweden.
I like going to Norway.
I like going to Africa.
I like going to Antarctica.
I like the different states and the different countries and cultures.
I don't want to lose.
That's what I'm saying in terms of globalism.
And also the globalist, you know, there's a whole other, look, this is a, this
is a real
shit down.
This is a real conversation because it's a lot more nuanced than a couple of
men doing
stuff.
Listen, what we, what you and I are doing right now, we're in the virtual
boxing ring.
We're sparring.
We're having fun.
We're getting loud.
We're getting, you know, that's the kind of guys we are.
Doing it with love.
It's all love.
Love and appreciation.
All working together towards love.
That's right, Vic.
Look at, and it's had nothing to do with Alec Jones.
I just look at something and look at it from, because I'm an actor, I've been
in theatrics
my whole life.
So I look at the drama, I go, what's underneath it?
What could be, you know, it's like a thing that I've been on Homeland Security
Policy Institute
at George Washington University since 2002, because I think outside the box, I
come up
with, hey, you know what, what if, what if this happens, you know, where normal
people
may not go to.
But anyway, so I think there's something with this virus that we don't know.
Well.
And maybe it's just bullshit, but I appreciate that.
All right?
All right.
Listen.
Can this be a virus targeting out the population?
I send you.
I can't say if it's not.
Okay.
Robert, this was an honor.
When it's been out of population.
Thank you, Robert.
Okay.
We just had to kill it.
Thank you, Robert.
Thank you, Robert.
I was wondering what he thought about that trillion dollar bailout that's
coming.
That trillion dollar movie's coming.
Is he calling back?
Hey, Robert.
Hey, sorry.
The phone cutout was dropping out.
Hey, hold on a second.
Let me put you on speaker here.
That'll work.
Okay.
Are you there?
Come on.
Yeah, I'm here.
The fight wasn't finished.
Oh, there you go.
The fight wasn't finished.
No, the referee came in and called it.
They said it was a draw.
Did you throw in the towel?
Did you throw in the towel like a pussy?
No.
How dare you, you son of a bitch.
Now listen to me.
Here's how this is going to go.
No, we had to move on.
Listen, it's a great conversation.
You're welcome on any time.
I love opposing points of view.
It makes the show dynamic and fascinating and something people have to listen
to.
They have to be there.
But you know what?
I want everybody to go look up the Bob Dylan music video with him.
Oh, did you get to work with Bob?
He's my hero.
Of course.
I'm like Dylan.
Bob Dylan, Marlon Brando.
Did Dylan say more than two words to you?
Or was he elusive and weird and sort of just like, hey, I'm good to meet you.
Don't touch me.
I can't hear you.
All the best.
Hey, I'm Doug, man.
Not Bob Dylan.
Let's set this up again, Robert.
When we have better Wi-Fi and we'll talk Dylan, okay?