Name: OFFICE HOURS LIVE (3/30/2020) with Jon Glaser and director Ben Berman
Uploaded: 2020-03-30T23:17:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'OFFICE HOURS LIVE (3/30/2020) with Jon Glaser and director Ben Berman' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'OFFICE HOURS LIVE (3/30/2020) with Jon Glaser and director Ben Berman' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-30. Transcript available.

OFFICE HOURS LIVE (3/30/2020) with Jon Glaser and director Ben Berman

know i i'll be in charge of the calls we're trying some new things today it's
going to be
wild sitting here listening to little john prine thinking of thinking of him
right now
wow all right two o'clock dog hit me
i like having fun i like to laugh
i like to be people who can make me laugh
i like having fun yes i like to laugh
i like having fun to meet people who laugh
come on
wow
how's the sound out there jesus christ
wow okay enough of that jesus christ jesus christ all right doug i'm coming in
hot i'm coming in hot i could feel that already i'm coming in hot okay yeah
yeah yeah uh doug you want to get oh get your um gag out of the way can we now
if you mad if you can notice you go switch cams over there see how you can do
that if you want me to do that uh
come over here come over here i'll do it yeah drag into preview and then switch
to program there you go
hello everybody we've got matt in the studio matt carlin our producer in the
studio
he's so good looking oh my gosh you should see him
what is somebody says what is he a head of garlic jamie cases okay
okay okay it's very funny see it was worth it just for that comment it is yeah
i guess it is it was definitely worth it great american food i can't hear
anything uh let me uh let me hold on oh you know how you move your computer
screens around and if you do it the wrong way they all scatter into every
little inch of your screen um uh i hate when this happens i make a decision at
the last minute um and then i don't know how to communicate with men and then i
don't know how to communicate with men and then i don't know how to communicate
with men and then i don't know how to communicate with men and then i don't
know how to communicate with men and then i don't know how to communicate with
men and then i don't know how to communicate with men and then i don't know how
to communicate with men and then i don't know how to communicate with men and
then i don't know how to communicate with men and then i don't know how to
communicate with men and then i don't know how to communicate with
at, so I want to I want to just show him something.
So I should share you his number.
Yeah, this is annoying.
I don't have a way to do this.
OK, baby, what?
Actually, this is weird.
Things are going pretty well.
All things considered here.
I'm putting it into the show notes.
Well, let's say.
Oh, come on, this is the problem.
I do all these steps and then it doesn't work.
I'm trying to copy a number.
Cop show contract card.
Right. Easy.
Select here.
Right click.
Can my mic.
Can this sound great, buddy?
You sound really good.
OK, I don't want to hear any.
No one's complaining.
I don't want to hear it.
Holy shit.
I'm trying to do the most basic thing.
Matt, can you just do this?
Hi, Dad.
Like, look at this.
I'm trying to copy somebody's phone number.
Phone number here.
No, right.
Show contact card.
Maybe you just need to watch this.
It comes up.
There it is.
That shit bothers me, man.
Maybe you just want to copy.
Right.
And then where's go to the OH4.
We have a whole text thread called OH4.
And I'm left handed, so you have to click the other way.
Go ahead.
Why don't you go with the paper and pencil?
I know.
At this point.
There.
See, suddenly that worked.
OK.
Sorry.
Here we go.
Welcome to the show.
All right.
Instagram live.
That's all you get, you sons of bitches.
You copyright infringers.
Goodbye.
I'm sorry.
Good morning, everybody.
I kind of jumped in there.
I get excited about ideas and I sort of jumped in.
I get excited about ideas.
Who's that?
Is that Dave Rubin?
Sorry.
I kind of jumped in there.
I get excited about ideas and I sort of jumped in.
I was watching a Dave Rubin clip.
It was Dennis Miller sitting there for an interview.
It was really funny.
You got to read that.
It was actually pretty good because it was sort of like a it was Dennis Miller
was like
he seemed really low energy and he was kind of he was kind of you hear that
kind of
do you ever see the jokes he tweets?
There's some swing and a miss going to try to pull that one up.
They're just like it's it just takes forever to like but here.
But what I liked about it was he actually gave a interesting history of him of
himself
on Saturday Night Live, like how he got booked on that show.
He was I'll tell you, babe, you know.
But he was saying how he wasn't really like a political comedian or anything.
He was just like a he was like, you know, just a standup comedian, just an
observational
like a Seinfeld kind of guy, I think.
And he auditioned for Saturday Night Live and he didn't get it.
And then he was doing Letterman and he got a call saying, like, come up to
Lauren's office.
I need to talk to you about something.
And he got brought into Lauren's office and Lauren said, you want to.
Hey, babe, you want to do the weekend update?
And that was it.
And then I was suddenly that was it.
And he's like, I'm not the kind of guy that like drinks and everything.
But I knew it was like, babe, this is a big moment.
I'm going to go and do like three fingers of scotch.
But he wasn't a real.
What was that?
We had our legit reasons for going in.
Let's just say it was time.
We're listening to live.
We're listening to a live broadcast of the Dennis Miller show right now.
I was in a doorman's outfit in the plaza was going to get smoked.
Doug is just playing.
I just found some Miller shit.
Some classic Miller from 2012.
Well, enough.
I'm done talking about Dennis Miller.
He has that.
But he has that show at his desk.
It's really good, too.
It's just him in his, like, room.
It's good.
I'm going to try.
I'm going to try this system here.
I'm going to talk to Leah.
Leah, are you there?
Leah?
Hey, Tim.
How's it going?
That worked like a charm.
I wanted to ask you.
I can't hear anything.
But I wanted to ask you.
Did you lose weight for Beef House?
Can you hear me?
Yeah, I can hear you now.
Okay, cool.
What was the question?
Yeah, I can hear you.
What was the question?
Okay.
I was going to ask you.
Did you lose weight for Beef House?
I did hear.
There was no delay there.
I just took a sip of some Arizona iced tea that Vic brought over, which is
disgusting.
It's pretty nasty.
Jesus, man.
What the hell?
Ugh.
My ass is as big as a house.
It's doing the opposite.
It is disgusting.
It tastes like metal.
Yeah, it's metal and sandpaper and sweet and low.
I got it at CVS and probably I didn't wipe it down.
No, you didn't wipe it down.
Setting a bad example.
You're the fat ass back here.
My ass is as big as a house.
I don't know if I lost weight for – I think I lost weight for us, for me and
you.
Got it, got it.
And then I kept it off for a little bit.
Then I did Beef House.
But I still like – depending on what clothes I'm wearing, it's all about the
fit of your shirt.
Well, yeah, I mean the oversized pink outfit, you look like super small.
I know, I know, I know.
Big black titties and asses.
I'm not losing any weight, okay?
Like a shaved –
I mean, I'm not worried.
I know.
I just – I want to be thin.
I want to be handsome.
Do you have secrets for like how to like angle your body to like look better
for the camera?
You know, you push your neck out.
You can do a lot of things.
Believe me, you do a lot of things.
You got the camera.
Yeah, yeah.
Now the camera's low.
You got a low angle there.
You got to like put them up high.
It's a bad angle.
Put the cameras up high.
This is a bad angle on me.
You can tell.
Hang it from the ceiling.
I'm going to crank up my camera.
It's got to get higher.
I mean, but we don't have any way to get it higher.
And look, this can go up.
You think is my angle better?
That's pretty good, yeah.
That can go way up, Matt.
I mean, we have to let it.
Matt, you got to make those chins into – you got to turn those into at least
two, not three.
But I appreciate it.
There's all kinds of tricks of the trade, you know, but there are episodes of B-Cup.
Wait, Kim, I have one more.
No.
I have one more comment.
Okay.
Can I make another comment?
Yes.
Okay.
Do you know the song, Ruby Tuesday, about –
Goodbye, rabbit Tuesday.
Well, in your head, imagine if that was about coronavirus.
Goodbye, coronavirus.
Who could hang for my soul die?
Is that what you wanted?
My virus.
Yeah.
I have a daughter named Ruby.
Yeah, I mean, basically.
She was born on a Tuesday.
No, but you got to think about it deeper and, like, the meaning of the song.
Oh, man, if we could get me alive on the piano over here.
Yeah.
I don't think you can hear that, but –
Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Have the Rolling Stones killed.
I don't want to do Simpsons.
Leah, do you know –
Okay, I don't want to do Simpsons drops on the show.
Capisce?
Do you know Donnie Iris?
Ah, Leah.
Do you know that song?
Thank you.
Do you know that one?
Vic has a question for you.
Do you know this song?
No.
How do you not know that?
How many other songs about Leah are there?
No.
Oh, look it up.
Donnie Iris.
I don't know that song.
He looks like the guy from Grease, like the real nerdy dude.
Wait, but what was your question?
Oh, make a parody of –
No, it wasn't a question.
It was just a joke.
I was just asking –
It was a joke.
Hey, Leah.
Leah, are you from –
Are you from born and raised?
It was thought-provoking.
Are you born and raised in South Philly?
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, I figured.
I figured you had that kind of sound.
Yeah, I'm from Philly.
Sound like –
Where did you go to?
Did you go to college anywhere?
Yeah.
Where?
Drexel?
We got water ice.
We got Italian martial arts.
Oh, you're breaking up, darling.
Yes, I did.
You went to Temple or Drexel?
No, I went to University of the Arts.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you just study graphic design.
All right, all right.
Bye, Tim.
Wait a minute.
No, no, no.
I'm not making –
I'm sorry.
All right, I won't make funny.
No, I study illustration.
Yo, I want to ask you, like,
how's shit in Philly, like,
with all the quarantine and shit?
Are people off the streets and all that?
She had enough.
Oh.
Go, birds.
Go, Iggles.
No, I'm asking you.
Can you listen?
That's pretty much what's going on.
Can you hear me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I want to know how everything's going with the –
It's fine.
All right, all right.
Yeah, I can hear you.
It's fine.
All right, I'll talk to you later, Leah.
Everything's closed.
Everything's closed.
All right.
So are people getting their sandwiches without whiz
because of the virus?
All right, bye, Tim.
All right, bye.
She doesn't want to deal with that shit.
She's done.
We're trying to talk about big ideas in an honest, open way.
It's because of the contamination.
The contamination is in the whiz.
You can't get it without whiz.
You got to get it without whiz.
What is it?
Band caller?
I could ban you if I wanted.
I just found out.
Band caller.
I won't, but, Matt, look it.
This isn't working.
For what?
Okay.
We have a big problem.
Leah's still on the phone.
No, she's not.
No, but look at him.
I think the internet's down just in general.
Are you serious?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, shit.
Leah.
I'm still going.
Leah, you there?
All right.
I don't think so.
I don't think anyone's there.
Let's do it.
Let me try another call.
Host, cue.
Is this?
We're still, yeah, we're still on YouTube.
Grant.
Still going.
Okay.
I can push Grant live if it's not working for you.
Hello, Grant.
That doesn't seem to be working for me.
It's not working, mate.
All right.
Try it.
What are you?
Hello?
Hello?
Hey, Grant.
Hey, Grant.
Hello?
Hey, Grant.
How's it going, darling?
How you doing, man?
How you doing?
Hey, Tim.
What's up?
It's all right.
We got a lot, very quiet.
Hey, Tim.
Yeah.
Hi.
Hi, Tim.
I'm doing great, love.
I'm doing great.
Your stream is pretty shit, though.
You know what?
Hold on a sec.
The what is it?
The stream.
The stream is extra beefy today.
The stream.
It keeps cutting out like every two minutes.
Man, I'm trying to tell you something.
I think we are, we have, I think the internet is bad everywhere.
I don't think it's doing a speed test right now, gang.
Yeah, it's not