Name: Neil Hamburger on the Pros and Cons of COVID-19
Uploaded: 2020-06-08T22:24:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Neil Hamburger on the Pros and Cons of COVID-19' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Neil Hamburger on the Pros and Cons of COVID-19' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-08. Transcript available.

Ladies and gentlemen, a world premiere, live on Office Hours, it is one of my
favorite
comedians, America's number one funny man, Neil Hamburger!
Neil Hamburger, welcome to Office Hours, thank you so much for calling in.
Jesus Christ.
Neil Hamburger, welcome to the show.
Is it in?
I mean, is there any time left for me to do anything after all that?
It seems we ate into some of the time.
No, sorry, yeah, we're not going to, we're going to let you go as long as you'd
like.
How are you doing, sir?
Well, you know, we're hanging in there.
I mean, it's definitely, there's definitely positives to the current situation
in addition
to the many negatives.
But speaking of positives, congratulations to your whole team there.
I'm hearing you guys have been winning awards for this show, and that's a very
good thing.
So you must be doing something right, and congratulations.
Yeah, thank you.
I mean, there's no official awards.
What award did you hear that we won, Neil?
Oh, I'm hearing a couple different awards, I guess.
Some of the, you know, the awards that they give to these types of shows, some
of the more
prestigious awards and things of that nature is what I'm hearing.
I wasn't at the ceremony, and again, I'm hearing this all secondhand, but a lot
of people are
talking about it, and they're talking about the awards, and writing about the
awards.
So congratulations.
Well, we've gotten a couple nice mentions in the press, but nothing, you know,
no, no, I
could, I don't, that I know of, Matt.
I don't know if you know of any awards we've gotten, but it's nice people are
talking about
the show, so we're happy.
So what are some of the...
Well, I'll ask around.
I mean, I'm sure that my sources are correct.
Yeah, I bet.
I'm sure that they...
I bet.
Well, because I'm hearing it from different people.
Yeah.
So, you know, you should probably look into it, but as far as I'm concerned...
Yeah.
So what are some of the...
You've been, like everybody else, you're sort of in the same predicament, you're
dealing
with the quarantine, the pandemic.
What are some of the things...
You said there's some positive and some negatives.
Maybe walk us through...
I don't know, start with the positives.
Why not?
Well, I'd rather start with the negatives, because there's a lot more of those.
Go ahead.
It's your...
I mean, the positives...
No, go ahead.
We should do the positives.
I mean, one good thing is that guys like you and your team are getting awards.
With that, I don't know that you would have gotten without something like this,
because
people are home, and so they're tuning in, turning on the television and
watching your
show, and then these award committees are, you know, they're forced to actually
think
a little bit harder before they give out the awards and not just give them out
willy-nilly.
Right.
And I think that when you think about it, you know, as I say, cream always
rises to the
top, and that's why I think you guys have been winning these awards, and I
think that's
great.
Well, thank you so much.
But so you want to start with the positives or the negatives?
It's really up to you, Neil.
It's really your time.
So I'm curious.
All right.
Well, I mean, I guess one positive, and I think all of us who work in show
business would
agree, and I'm sure that includes everyone on your team, but also some of the
listeners,
perhaps.
One positive is that when you do your show, you don't have to sit there and
listen to these
quite honestly terrible opening acts, these comedians, these opening comedians,
and some
of these bands that are just ghastly, you know, and the amount of time that I
spend each month
seething, listening to some asshole, going on and on about, you know, the worst
possible
topics, and I'm trapped because a lot of these green rooms are right behind or
adjacent to
the stage, and they pump in the sound from these losers who just drone on and
on, and
I don't care if you're getting only $5 for doing your show.
You don't deserve it because I'm not hearing anything good from these people,
and that has
been a relief.
Every night around, you know, 9, 9.30, 10 o'clock, I thank my lucky stars that
I'm not
listening to that trash.
So that's a good thing.
And that's really...
So you're a working stand-up comedian who's been doing this for many years.
You're not, you would sort of self-identify as not a fan of a lot of your
opening acts or
other comedians.
God, no.
No, they're horrible people, and of course, the thing is that you've got to
worry about
is when this is over, imagine the bad material we're going to hear from these
guys about this
situation, you know, and the jokes, of course.
I mean, you guys can each come up with 10 of them right now just by, you know,
sticking
your finger down your throat and vomiting.
But these guys are crafting them carefully in their stupid, disgusting
apartments because
these guys usually live several in one apartment because they can't make any
money doing what
they do, and they don't deserve to make any money.
But, you know, so they're ordering, you know, chocolate chip cookies from
Amazon or whatever
for dinner because these people can't cook.
They can't cook.
You know, they don't know how to cook a radish, for instance.
And then the Amazon runs out of the chocolate chip cookies and sends them, I
mean, you can
hear these punchlines coming a mile away, sends them the gluten-free or the
vegan chocolate
chip cookie.
And of course, that's 10 minutes of bad material right there as these guys
describe trying to
fashion this into a cookie or whatever it is.
And these guys with the hand sanitizer and, you know, I don't want to hear
about that.
I don't want to hear about any of this.
We just got over years and years of this horrible, you know, stewardess and bad
airline food.
And then just when you thought it was safe, it was replaced with these pot
comedians who
were just the shittiest people who ever lived, you know, and the unfunniest.
The pot comedians.
You're not even a gag.
They're not even a gag.
They just bask in the glory of, like, their stupid addiction.
And I don't want to hear about it.
I don't care, you know, that, okay, you made bad decisions under the influence
of marijuana.
Move on and tell us a joke, you know?
And so you're going to get this.
Oh, I was so stoned, you know, how do you smoke weed through the N-94 mask or
this type
of thing?
And it's going to be a bad period.
People are going to wish that they were quarantined again, honestly.
And maybe we'll start something online, like self-quarantining for people that
can't stand
life once they're released and have to listen to these jokes.
Interesting.
So the positive side is that you've been able to avoid hearing all these
terrible comedians
and the pot comedy.
But the negative is something that you see coming in the future, which is the
return and the
material being worse than it's ever been.
That's terrific.
What about another positive?
Let's do another positive negative.
Anything else?
Well, I mean, some of these tours have been canceled by these rotten people,
you know,
the Rolling Stones.
They've been isolated from each other, which is what I've been advocating for
the last 50
years.
And, you know, keep these filthy people in their own little rat's nests, you
know, and don't
put them together.
Because there's nothing worse than those guys together.
You smell it from a mile away.
That's why they play big stadiums.
Because if you play a little club, you put those guys on the stage, it's like
if you scrape
all the shit from the tiger cages at the zoo and put it, load it in a truck and
dump it
onto a stage.
That's how bad it smells.
Wow.
So yeah, they'll play Dodger Stadium.
It's an open air stadium.
It's an open air stadium.
Uh-huh.
And I just pray that they don't make solo albums during this time.
Can you imagine that?
They might.
Ron Wood.
My new solo album by Ron Wood.
My God.
Then the landfills get full, you know?
All this extra packaging from all the home deliveries.
You've got all these Amazon bags and things, padded bubble wrap and stuff.
They're going to fill the landfills, but it's going to be superseded by the
Stones solo albums
or the Kissed solo albums, you know?
At least those guys, I don't know if those guys who kissed can go 10 minutes
without putting
on their stupid makeup.
So they're sitting at home, you know, shaking like an addict.
So the Kiss tour was interrupted by the shutdown as well, huh?
Thank God.
You know, they should put the asshole singer of that group, Gene Simmons, they
should put
him to work.
If he's breathing this fire, how about breathing it all over the streets and
kill all the coronavirus
droplets all over the streets?
Put him in a stroller or something and you can lie down and just, they just
wheel him around
down as he breathes a stupid fire and sterilizes the sidewalk.
So if I drop a corn nut on the sidewalk, I can pick it up and eat it again.
What other groups, what other groups are you happy to see off the road, I guess?
Well, all of them, all of them, because these people, honestly, they take up a
valuable stage
time that could be used for, you know, comics such as myself, for instance.
And also these people, let's face it, you don't want to touch a microphone
after one of the
Doobie Brothers has been on stage, you know, and that's a, that's a pre-coronavirus
problem.
This has been a problem for years, you know.
You would advise other artists, comedians, musicians to avoid, even before the
coronavirus,
you would encourage them to avoid the microphones used by the Doobie Brothers.
That's what you're saying?
That's what I've been saying for years.
Years I've been advocating this.
I talk to the comics I know, I tell them, get your own microphone and travel
with a gallon
of isopropyl alcohol, you know, because these sound guys are almost as dirty as
the performers,
you know, and they touch your microphone for a second and that's contagious.
And so the coronavirus, in a way, has been nice for me because finally people
are coming
around to my way of thinking.
And I hope that it continues with some of my other ideas.
And I'll tell you something else, these joggers, you guys don't jog, do you?
You don't look like you would.
Well, that's not very nice.
That's not very nice.
Well, are you wearing, are you wearing fluorescent green spandex?
No.
Jogging outfits right now?
No.
Okay, that's what I'm talking about.
Right.
And so these guys, they are literally human aerosol cans spraying coronavirus
all over everyone.
And you go out on the streets, everyone has a mask except these joggers because
they're so
special, you know, that they don't need it.
But every time they step on the pavement, which is a lot of times, these guys
will jog 5,000
steps, you know, or 10,000 steps in half an hour.
It's just spraying this stuff on everything.
And if they're driving by cars, you know, it's all over your windshield.
And if they're driving by you, it's all over your face.
Okay, well, that's a good message.
And these are, you know, drooling.
They drool and they're disgusting people.
And I'm sorry, but they're even worse in a way than the Rolling Stones because
those
guys are cowered in the corner shaking like they've got a fever and it's just
withdrawal.
But these huffing, puffy joggers, they're putting themselves out there to
infect us all.
All right, well, that's a good message to send out.
That's a good message.
That's a good message to send out is if you're jogging, stay at home or wear a
mask or just
be a little more.
Maybe you could find a more isolated area to run around if you really need that
exercise.
Maybe they can wear a snorkel and kind of stuff some paper towels down it.
Yeah, I suppose that would work.
Thank you.
Yes.
Neil Hamburger, we have to run, but is there anything else you want to convince
about?
Yes.
Go ahead.
No, this is a positive thing now, guys.
We have a new keychain out.
Now, a lot of these entertainers are putting out bad specials.
And you've got Netflix putting out just one horror show after another.
I think Netflix created the coronavirus so people would be forced to watch
these specials when
they're locked indoors.
But we've done something different, which is just a non-intrusive keychain.
This keychain won't hurt a fly.
It comes with a key.
It's a real hotel keychain with my logo on it.
And they're selling them over at Flannel Graph Records on their band camp
starting tomorrow.
Oh, boy.
You've got to see these keychains.
You've got to get these keychains.
Well, that's terrific.
And I tweeted about them because I wanted everyone to see the keychains.
You've got to get one, Tim.
You've got to own one.
I would be happy to buy one.
I'm going to buy five, and I'm going to give them away as gifts.
I'm going to make sure they're sterilized and that they've not been a carrier
of the disease.
Are they sterilized at the home office there?
They arrive sterile.
What's that?
Yeah.
No, they arrive sterilized.
There you go.
Clean as can be.
Open them up.
Put them in your mouth.
Do whatever you want.
You can shove them right up your ass if you want.
I think that's terrific.
Well, listen, Neil, thank you for checking.
Well, we'll try advertising it that way.
Thank you, guys.
Thank you, and all the best to you.
Congratulations again.
Thank you.
Yes, we'll look into those awards.
Yeah, thank you.

Neil Hamburger on the Pros and Cons of COVID-19

Ladies and gentlemen, a world premiere, live on Office Hours, it is one of my
favorite
comedians, America's number one funny man, Neil Hamburger!
Neil Hamburger, welcome to Office Hours, thank you so much for calling in.
Jesus Christ.
Neil Hamburger, welcome to the show.
Is it in?
I mean, is there any time left for me to do anything after all that?
It seems we ate into some of the time.
No, sorry, yeah, we're not going to, we're going to let you go as long as you'd
like.
How are you doing, sir?
Well, you know, we're hanging in there.
I mean, it's definitely, there's definitely positives to the current situation
in addition
to the many negatives.
But speaking of positives, congratulations to your whole team there.
I'm hearing you guys have been winning awards for this show, and that's a very
good thing.
So you must be doing something right, and congratulations.
Yeah, thank you.
I mean, there's no official awards.
What award did you hear that we won, Neil?
Oh, I'm hearing a couple different awards, I guess.
Some of the, you know, the awards that they give to these types of shows, some
of the more
prestigious awards and things of that nature is what I'm hearing.
I wasn't at the ceremony, and again, I'm hearing this all secondhand, but a lot
of people are
talking about it, and they're talking about the awards, and writing about the
awards.
So congratulations.
Well, we've gotten a couple nice mentions in the press, but nothing, you know,
no, no, I
could, I don't, that I know of, Matt.
I don't know if you know of any awards we've gotten, but it's nice people are
talking about
the show, so we're happy.
So what are some of the...
Well, I'll ask around.
I mean, I'm sure that my sources are correct.
Yeah, I bet.
I'm sure that they...
I bet.
Well, because I'm hearing it from different people.
Yeah.
So, you know, you should probably look into it, but as far as I'm concerned...
Yeah.
So what are some of the...
You've been, like everybody else, you're sort of in the same predicament, you're
dealing
with the quarantine, the pandemic.
What are some of the things...
You said there's some positive and some negatives.
Maybe walk us through...
I don't know, start with the positives.
Why not?
Well, I'd rather start with the negatives, because there's a lot more of those.
Go ahead.
It's your...
I mean, the positives...
No, go ahead.
We should do the positives.
I mean, one good thing is that guys like you and your team are getting awards.
With that, I don't know that you would have gotten without something like this,
because
people are home, and so they're tuning in, turning on the television and
watching your
show, and then these award committees are, you know, they're forced to actually
think
a little bit harder before they give out the awards and not just give them out
willy-nilly.
Right.
And I think that when you think about it, you know, as I say, cream always
rises to the
top, and that's why I think you guys have been winning these awards, and I
think that's
great.
Well, thank you so much.
But so you want to start with the positives or the negatives?
It's really up to you, Neil.
It's really your time.
So I'm curious.
All right.
Well, I mean, I guess one positive, and I think all of us who work in show
business would
agree, and I'm sure that includes everyone on your team, but also some of the
listeners,
perhaps.
One positive is that when you do your show, you don't have to sit there and
listen to these
quite honestly terrible opening acts, these comedians, these opening comedians,
and some
of these bands that are just ghastly, you know, and the amount of time that I
spend each month
seething, listening to some asshole, going on and on about, you know, the worst
possible
topics, and I'm trapped because a lot of these green rooms are right behind or
adjacent to
the stage, and they pump in the sound from these losers who just drone on and
on, and
I don't care if you're getting only $5 for doing your show.
You don't deserve it because I'm not hearing anything good from these people,
and that has
been a relief.
Every night around, you know, 9, 9.30, 10 o'clock, I thank my lucky stars that
I'm not
listening to that trash.
So that's a good thing.
And that's really...
So you're a working stand-up comedian who's been doing this for many years.
You're not, you would sort of self-identify as not a fan of a lot of your
opening acts or
other comedians.
God, no.
No, they're horrible people, and of course, the thing is that you've got to
worry about
is when this is over, imagine the bad material we're going to hear from these
guys about this
situation, you know, and the jokes, of course.
I mean, you guys can each come up with 10 of them right now just by, you know,
sticking
your finger down your throat and vomiting.
But these guys are crafting them carefully in their stupid, disgusting
apartments because
these guys usually live several in one apartment because they can't make any
money doing what
they do, and they don't deserve to make any money.
But, you know, so they're ordering, you know, chocolate chip cookies from
Amazon or whatever
for dinner because these people can't cook.
They can't cook.
You know, they don't know how to cook a radish, for instance.
And then the Amazon runs out of the chocolate chip cookies and sends them, I
mean, you can
hear these punchlines coming a mile away, sends them the gluten-free or the
vegan chocolate
chip cookie.
And of course, that's 10 minutes of bad material right there as these guys
describe trying to
fashion this into a cookie or whatever it is.
And these guys with the hand sanitizer and, you know, I don't want to hear
about that.
I don't want to hear about any of this.
We just got over years and years of this horrible, you know, stewardess and bad
airline food.
And then just when you thought it was safe, it was replaced with these pot
comedians who
were just the shittiest people who ever lived, you know, and the unfunniest.
The pot comedians.
You're not even a gag.
They're not even a gag.
They just bask in the glory of, like, their stupid addiction.
And I don't want to hear about it.
I don't care, you know, that, okay, you made bad decisions under the influence
of marijuana.
Move on and tell us a joke, you know?
And so you're going to get this.
Oh, I was so stoned, you know, how do you smoke weed through the N-94 mask or
this type
of thing?
And it's going to be a bad period.
People are going to wish that they were quarantined again, honestly.
And maybe we'll start something online, like self-quarantining for people that
can't stand
life once they're released and have to listen to these jokes.
Interesting.
So the positive side is that you've been able to avoid hearing all these
terrible comedians
and the pot comedy.
But the negative is something that you see coming in the future, which is the
return and the
material being worse than it's ever been.
That's terrific.
What about another positive?
Let's do another positive negative.
Anything else?
Well, I mean, some of these tours have been canceled by these rotten people,
you know,
the Rolling Stones.
They've been isolated from each other, which is what I've been advocating for
the last 50
years.
And, you know, keep these filthy people in their own little rat's nests, you
know, and don't
put them together.
Because there's nothing worse than those guys together.
You smell it from a mile away.
That's why they play big stadiums.
Because if you play a little club, you put those guys on the stage, it's like
if you scrape
all the shit from the tiger cages at the zoo and put it, load it in a truck and
dump it
onto a stage.
That's how bad it smells.
Wow.
So yeah, they'll play Dodger Stadium.
It's an open air stadium.
It's an open air stadium.
Uh-huh.
And I just pray that they don't make solo albums during this time.
Can you imagine that?
They might.
Ron Wood.
My new solo album by Ron Wood.
My God.
Then the landfills get full, you know?
All this extra packaging from all the home deliveries.
You've got all these Amazon bags and things, padded bubble wrap and stuff.
They're going to fill the landfills, but it's going to be superseded by the
Stones solo albums
or the Kissed solo albums, you know?
At least those guys, I don't know if those guys who kissed can go 10 minutes
without putting
on their stupid makeup.
So they're sitting at home, you know, shaking like an addict.
So the Kiss tour was interrupted by the shutdown as well, huh?
Thank God.
You know, they should put the asshole singer of that group, Gene Simmons, they
should put
him to work.
If he's breathing this fire, how about breathing it all over the streets and
kill all the coronavirus
droplets all over the streets?
Put him in a stroller or something and you can lie down and just, they just
wheel him around
down as he breathes a stupid fire and sterilizes the sidewalk.
So if I drop a corn nut on the sidewalk, I can pick it up and eat it again.
What other groups, what other groups are you happy to see off the road, I guess?
Well, all of them, all of them, because these people, honestly, they take up a
valuable stage
time that could be used for, you know, comics such as myself, for instance.
And also these people, let's face it, you don't want to touch a microphone
after one of the
Doobie Brothers has been on stage, you know, and that's a, that's a pre-coronavirus
problem.
This has been a problem for years, you know.
You would advise other artists, comedians, musicians to avoid, even before the
coronavirus,
you would encourage them to avoid the microphones used by the Doobie Brothers.
That's what you're saying?
That's what I've been saying for years.
Years I've been advocating this.
I talk to the comics I know, I tell them, get your own microphone and travel
with a gallon
of isopropyl alcohol, you know, because these sound guys are almost as dirty as
the performers,
you know, and they touch your microphone for a second and that's contagious.
And so the coronavirus, in a way, has been nice for me because finally people
are coming
around to my way of thinking.
And I hope that it continues with some of my other ideas.
And I'll tell you something else, these joggers, you guys don't jog, do you?
You don't look like you would.
Well, that's not very nice.
That's not very nice.
Well, are you wearing, are you wearing fluorescent green spandex?
No.
Jogging outfits right now?
No.
Okay, that's what I'm talking about.
Right.
And so these guys, they are literally human aerosol cans spraying coronavirus
all over everyone.
And you go out on the streets, everyone has a mask except these joggers because
they're so
special, you know, that they don't need it.
But every time they step on the pavement, which is a lot of times, these guys
will jog 5,000
steps, you know, or 10,000 steps in half an hour.
It's just spraying this stuff on everything.
And if they're driving by cars, you know, it's all over your windshield.
And if they're driving by you, it's all over your face.
Okay, well, that's a good message.
And these are, you know, drooling.
They drool and they're disgusting people.
And I'm sorry, but they're even worse in a way than the Rolling Stones because
those
guys are cowered in the corner shaking like they've got a fever and it's just
withdrawal.
But these huffing, puffy joggers, they're putting themselves out there to
infect us all.
All right, well, that's a good message to send out.
That's a good message.
That's a good message to send out is if you're jogging, stay at home or wear a
mask or just
be a little more.
Maybe you could find a more isolated area to run around if you really need that
exercise.
Maybe they can wear a snorkel and kind of stuff some paper towels down it.
Yeah, I suppose that would work.
Thank you.
Yes.
Neil Hamburger, we have to run, but is there anything else you want to convince
about?
Yes.
Go ahead.
No, this is a positive thing now, guys.
We have a new keychain out.
Now, a lot of these entertainers are putting out bad specials.
And you've got Netflix putt