Name: Patreon Preview: Best of After Hours
Uploaded: 2020-07-02T15:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Patreon Preview: Best of After Hours' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Patreon Preview: Best of After Hours' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-02. Transcript available.

Patreon Preview: Best of After Hours

Hi everybody, Tim Heidecker here with the Holy Trinity, Doug Lussenhop and Vic
Berger.
We are celebrating July 4th, Independence Day.
It is the day we sign the Declaration of Independence.
We are announcing the big 3,000 Patreon member goal, which is coming up around
the corner.
If we hit 3K, Vic, what's going to happen?
We're going to get the WOHL that's coming back.
What is that? For how long?
Three hours.
A three-hour WOHL Morning Madness spectacular.
If we hit 3,000 patrons, we also want to let you know that in honor of that
experience,
we're now selling this amazing product.
It is a bumper sticker for your car or for your computer and pin.
Join us. We'll have Morning Madness again.
We'll make Morning Madness great again.
After 3,000, tell your friends and family. Join now.
Hi everybody, Tim Heidecker here.
We're having a week off on Office Hours, but we have put together a Best of
After Hours compilation.
After Hours is an exclusive podcast we do.
If you're a member of the Patreon community, patreon.com slash Office Hours
Live,
you'll get an extra half hour plus.
We've been doing sometimes an hour of show after Office Hours.
Welcome to Office Hours, After Hours.
You are the exclusive members of a very small community.
How can I help you today?
Actually, today is my birthday, and I was calling to see if there's anything
that's you and the rest of the guys could wish me a happy birthday,
because it's been a pretty shitty couple of weeks.
Let me talk to the guys. Let me put you on hold for a sec. Just stay there.
Vic, what's your instinct on this?
There's a lot of darkness happening in the world right now, and I just think
some people need a little cheer up, especially when it's their birthday.
So I'm going to say I think we should wish them a happy birthday.
Okay. Doug?
No. No happy birthday.
Yes, of course. Yes, happy. We're going to wish him a great happy birthday.
Oh, oh, oh, oh. We are?
Because you say so.
Well, I mean, that's just you ask me, and I say I vote yeah.
Well, then you should say I vote yeah, or I am in favor of, or I wish to, but
not we are.
Not like you're making some kind of goddamn commandment.
What the hell, dude? Can we just, can we just have some kind of understanding?
Yes, yes, Jeff.
Here's the deal.
Jack.
I'm like, Dylan.
What's your name, first of all, Joker?
Huh? What is, what's your name, Jack?
My name.
Huh?
My name's Brian, as in Brian.
As in Brian, yeah, Brian Epstein. Mr. Epstein was me manager, you know.
Be My Baby is my favorite song.
Look, Brian, you already got on after hours. Isn't that a great present?
All right, now, Brian, how old are you?
I am super excited.
How old are you?
I am 38 as of today, and I'm a giant fan of all yours.
And you're a 38-year-old man calling in and asking for a birthday wish?
Now I'm getting excited.
You're more like 38 months old.
Now I'm getting excited.
Listen to me.
Listen.
Now settle down, Brian.
I'm going to teach you about life.
You should have learned this a long time ago.
I bet your daddy never loved you.
He never cared about you enough to tell you these hard truths.
This shit is weird.
I've decided.
I've made a big decision.
This is a huge decision.
No one gives a fuck.
Nobody.
The decision is this.
Despite calls from my studio here, from Vic, people like Vic and Doug.
The pounding.
I've decided not to wish you a happy birthday.
That's the truth.
Cut.
Cut the tape.
It's hard.
It's a hard decision.
I don't do it lightly.
We all can grow, and we all can learn.
I do not do this lightly.
I do not do this with any kind of malice towards you.
I think that your birthdays, not just yours, but people's birthdays in general,
are absolutely
irrelevant.
No.
And there is no reason to celebrate them or acknowledge them?
I disagree with you, actually.
You what?
You disagree or you agree?
No, I completely agree with you.
Good.
Now you're starting to get it.
Now, Vic and Doug are so quick to please everyone.
Oh, happy birthday.
If that's what you want, I'll do whatever you say.
I'll say.
I'll tell you what.
I'll do this.
Because I'm a good guy, I'm going to let Vic have a second to wish you happy
birthday.
Can I begin?
You may begin now.
You're an inspiration to me because I'm 37, and I will be 38 in August.
So, I want to be wished happy birthday when it is my birthday.
So, I want you to go out and enjoy yourself.
Keep your distance from other people.
Do some dancing.
Put your headphones on and dance to some music like this one.
Well, I can't go out.
Well, you can go out.
You can keep your distance.
Look at him talking back to you.
See, this is what you get.
I know.
Okay, that's enough.
I take back my happy birthday.
Doug, now is your opportunity, if you wish, to continue.
If you really, really have to.
I say, look, play by your own rules.
If you want us to wish you happy birthday, happy birthday.
But, you know, Tim's got a point, but everyone's got their own style of
birthday life.
You only get 138.
You got to nail it.
Okay.
Well, Brian, here's what I'll do.
Yeah.
I'm going to wish you.
I can't believe what's fucking acting.
I'm going to wish you the best.
And I do that every single goddamn day of the year.
You understand me?
I do that every single goddamn day of the year.
You call me up.
You ring me.
You send me a note.
Whatever you do to communicate with me.
Congratulations, little one.
I'm going to say, hey, Brian, man, I wish you the best.
I hope you're happiness.
I hope you're nothing but happiness.
I sit at night and I pray for you.
It's so appreciated.
You have no idea.
There's Jackson Brown.
My just question is, is it Jackson Brown or not?
Just doesn't look like Jackson Brown to me.
Tim, pull up a classic Jackson.
A CJ?
Okay, hold on.
Stay on that shot.
Hold on.
Let's get Jackson Brown images here.
Don't look at, there might be some private stuff here.
His eyes look a little doctored there.
Hold on, let me.
Jackson Brown.
This will be interesting.
Jackson.
Jackson Brown.
Okay, we're going to go at images.
I like the glasses one there.
All right, let's look at.
There's several Jackson Browns.
Okay, here's Jackson Brown
that we just looked at, right?
Okay.
And now go to.
He's one of those guys.
It's like.
His beard made his face look way different
is what's going on.
It's the same guy.
I know, but he's one of those guys.
It's like, we were talking about this the other day,
not photogenic.
He's not photogenic.
Like he doesn't look.
It looks like Harry Shearer in that.
That's what I said, Vic.
Oh, you just said that?
No, not, not.
I'm just thinking.
I'm just excited that we had the same feeling about that.
Well, let's pull up Shearer.
Dr.
My.
Fine.
We're putting up Harry Shearer.
Harry.
By the way, is Harry Shearer like,
is that his real name?
Harry Shearer.
Yeah, because it's,
is that like a natural pun?
It's like a natural pun.
Right?
Like he's shaved.
Shearer is something that shaves.
Right.
Something that shaves Shearer.
Yeah, like a Harry.
Yeah.
Like it's ironic.
There's, there's Harry Shearer.
And there's Jackson Brown.
But it's more this picture of Jackson Brown.
That's, that's, that's, that's Jackson Brown.
There's, but wait, let me get, get this one.
There we go.
There's Harry Shearer, Jackson Brown.
Harry Shearer, Jackson Brown.
I don't know what's going on.
Harry Shearer, Harry Shearer.
Oops, sorry, I lost my thing here.
There's, there's Harry Shearer.
And then there's Jackson Brown.
Harry Shearer.
Jackson Brown.
I want to play Pound the Pavement.
Play that again.
Act like you're Steve Malcolmus.
Oh yeah.
So I did.
I stayed up really late last night making this.
Okay.
Let me just apologize.
This game show.
I was, it was, I, I like, uh, I, I really, uh, love pavement when I was in
college.
And just like a seminal group for me.
And it sort of bridged the gap from, uh, what I loved, which was like the
Beatles and the
classic rock to sort of indie rock.
I didn't really know.
They were like the first band that I dug in from that world.
And I loved his last solo album.
There was most recent solo album.
What's it called, Matt?
Uh, traditional techniques.
It's terrific.
You got Matt Sweeney on there.
It's a really cool, cool record, man.
It's a great fucking record, man.
Anyways, I didn't know what we're, I didn't really have anything prepared to
talk to him
about.
I just, because of this week that's been going on, I just said, well, let's
just shoot
the shit with Steve because I've talked to him before.
And he's kind of this really, as you saw, he's kind of just an interesting,
smart, funny
guy.
And that's what happened.
But Doug's wisely and into his credit, I thankfully said last night, you know,
why don't
I do a game called pound the pavement, which is a, you know, uh, which is what
we'll do
now without Steven involved.
But you've got to act like you're Steven.
Okay, man.
I'll just be like Steven Malchemist from, uh, pavement, man.
I mean, why not?
So what, what is the game, man?
Hey, Steven, this is Doug.
Uh, I'm the sound guy from Office Hours.
Oh, no.
And, uh, I just want to say you were my favorite band.
Pavement was my favorite band in college.
My second favorite was Dinosaur Jr.
My third favorite band was Alien Ant Farm.
So I just wanted to get that out of the way.
And I had a couple of questions to, to put you into a pavement quiz to see how
much you
knew about pavement.
You ready?
Yes.
Is this going to be about spiral stairs and all the rest of the band or is it?
Go ahead.
What is the most recycled product in America?
Asphalt.
Pavement.
Well, I guess you're kind of right.
Asphalt would be pavement.
Which Belgium chemist laid the first true asphalt pavement in the U.S.,
including Pennsylvania
Avenue in Washington, D.C.?
Which Belgian chemist?
Yes.
Edmund de Smet.
Okay.
One for two.
Let's bring an audience member in to this because otherwise I'm going to kill
myself.
Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith Wamund.
Doug, go ahead.
It's up to Keith to solve the puzzle.
Keith.
Keith.
Hey, Keith.
Time to go, mate.
What's the tea for?
The question is, what's the tea for?
What's the tea for?
Sipping gently by a fire.
Your band is all male adults, correct?
Yes.
Yes or no?
Yes.
Then why isn't it simply pave men?
What's the tea for?
Madeline just did the biggest eyebrow raise I've ever seen.
She's like, oh, okay.
That's what that is.
Okay, you got one more chance to tie.
You're going to win a free month subscription to Sniffy.
You know what's great about Sniffy is now, I've been using the Sniffy with the
device that
plugs into the wall.
But now they're going fully in the cloud.
I love that sound.
That's great.
It's fully in the cloud now.
Really?
So you don't even need the device to activate Sniffy.
It sounds like a...
Okay, whose fault was the fart?
Whose fault was the fart?
Whose fault was the fart?
That's a do.
That's a log.
That's not a fart.
It's nobody's fault, really.
It's just a natural thing.
That's the correct answer.
Nope.
The correct answer is asphalt.
It was asphalt.
Thanks for playing.
Thank you.
Is Tori on the line?
Here he is.
Hello.
Can you hear me?
Tori!
Hey, what's up, buddy?
Everybody, this is Tori Harris, a good friend of mine.
It goes back to basically me and Matt.
He was an old friend of me and Matt's.
Anyways, Tori has designed a Beatles pun game for us.
Or I guess a riddle game, actually.
It's sort of a...
And I'm looking for who thinks they really know their beats on the Zoom.
Raise your hand if you think you are a beatspert.
A fab head.
Well, I got a guy.
Oh, you got a guy.
Yeah.
Have you seen his videos, Juddy?
No.
He does these wonderful Beatles covers at like basically every Please, Please
episode.
Oh, okay.
I have seen him.
Is that Juddy down there?
Hey, Juddy.
Welcome to the show.
Hey.
We're going to make this...
I hope this will be enjoyable, but if it's not, we'll bail on it.
Okay, Tori?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
For sure.
So, Juddy, this is to win an Office Hours bundle, which is the t-shirt and the
mug and
the signed postcard and the sticker.
So, if you can...
I already bought the bundle