Name: Zoomin' with Joe Biden
Uploaded: 2020-07-04T15:59:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Zoomin' with Joe Biden' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Zoomin' with Joe Biden' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-04. Transcript available.

now our special guest of the hours you ready this is a um uh ladies and
gentlemen on the line now
is a uh senator from delaware the current presumptive nominee for the
democratic party
the former vice president under the barack obama administration vice president
joe biden is with us
you listen to me right there jimmy okay yes sir somewhere he's out there it's
good
what's that sir it's good oh i was hold on they're turning me around they said
i was facing the wrong
way okay then mr biden it is an honor to have you on the show you've uh served
our country for
several years how many years were you have you been in government for it do you
have a do you know
what that is got to be over 40 years or how many years let me tell you
something it goes like this
clyde over four score
and that was on offense only not including the interceptions that came on
defense
so that's at least four scores plus a couple interceptions you know how it goes
yes sir um
so this must this is a big day for you you had joe biden i mean you had uh bernie
sanders
officially suspend his campaign yesterday howdy doody
howdy doody sassafras it's all about joe biden now bernie's out baby okay so bernie's
out of the
race how how do you go ahead sir well you're gonna tell you one of us is gonna
talk but the other one is
it's gonna pull that gun faster s o john wayne
uh-huh
uh-huh
let me tell you something bob
let me lay it down flat for you pancake batter
okay
we got a two-man race we got me and uh the other guy and the other two-man race
is done it was a two-man race that two-man race is done and now it's a two-man
race
i'm out i'm out i'm done
but that means i'm gonna win
yes uh
win again
let me ask you a question uh senator vice president uh biden do you how do you
attract the uh the youth the voters who are very much uh aligned with the sanders
campaign how do you uh speak to those people who seem a bit disheartened they
don't there's not a lot of energy for your campaign right now what is it what
is your message to them
my message is i hear you i hear you i know you're out there i hear you i know
you got
you're making noise and i hear you what i say to those kids out there is i'm
tired of hearing you
you're too loud out there some of us are trying to sleep
even if it's daytime hours we got a nap
got a blanket over me when i'm doing these broadcasts here from this green
screen office
behind me is just several cots that i roll back and take naps on
no mr mr you gotta be quiet even if it's in daytime hours i want to have a
snack break
graham crackers and apple juice
you hear me dan
yeah i get i'm ready
do i need to spell it out for you any any simpler there steve
let me tell you let me tell you the problem with the kids these days
they expect the handout the only thing they should expect is a bootstrap that
reaches back down to
him and slaps him over the face that's right every time somebody tried to pull
himself up by his own
bootstraps i was right there on top of that horse and i slapped him in his face
with a riding crop and i said try harder
yes sir
we had it way harder
in the great depression
we had an unemployment rate that's almost what it was today
we had it far far harder
and i'm gonna ride that down into the dust you hear me
we don't want the young people on this campaign
we want a fine
mature
working age campaign that doesn't file any sexual harassment lawsuits
yes sir um now you just said you that we i mean i don't want to i don't want to
quibble with you but you just said
um that you we you had it harder during the great depression but now you're
saying that the the numbers of unemployment are actually higher now
so it does seem like things might be more i don't want to i don't want to get
quibbly with you but what what do you um
what is that the new that's a new network i don't i don't i'm not subscribed to
your new quibble quibble network
okay and do you have speaking of
i like my movies wide screen
so yeah i was going to ask you about quibby what is your um what are your
feelings on quibby and what they're doing in the entertainment field do you
have have you been able to check it out have you seen any of the new shows
well i was looking for gun smoke i didn't see any gun smoke on there so i
flipped the channel but that just means that i i dropped another iphone we've
got a supply of
package wrapped iphones i break i break one or dunk one about twice a day
what are you dunk what are you dunking him in what are you dunking him in our
uh dj doug what else would you dunk it in you dunk it in vanilla ice cream you're
trying to take a bite out of it like an oreo
mr biden what is your um strategy against mr trump in the general election once
the conventions are behind us and um how are you going to uh to counterplay the
the tremendous amount of digital infrastructure that the gop has been
built uh through social media and uh you know a lot of
the questions bill
i think that's the questions they're coming 500 miles an hour bill
relax man
i don't know if you can see me but i'm pointing my finger right in the chest of
this here this zoom connection right here
i understand i think it's a fair question to be honest i think it's a fair
question sir uh you've got a lot of people worried that you're not
sort of up with the the the party isn't up with the technology and that we're
going to fall behind
um but you're a loser in a hard hat you're a loser in a hard hat you probably
work uh you probably work
around garbage i don't want people who have to work for a living and work if i
have to vote for me
landowners only okay sir sir sir uh one final question then i'll let you go i'm
sure you have a busy day
i've always had a question um don't worry about it i wipe my hands on this handkerchief
and i toss it right
right over there to where the button is all right sir i understand my one final
question to you is so you
have this sort of uh image this reputation as being sort of a blue collar
working man's uh that's the appeal
of you apparently for you know the people in the midwestern states the blue
collar states the rust belt if you
you know but the irony for that to me or sort of the conflicting concept there
is that is that you've been
in government since who you know since the 70s you've essentially been isolated
in that's right
so how do you how do you reconcile those two things we used to have shag carpet
parties right there in
the sam rayburn building that's right whiskey and barbiturates what is your
connection to the working
class sir what how do you think that you relate to them or what what is your
message to the to the
working class i hear you loud and clear my credentials and my foreign policy is
clear is that i've always
had a strong foreign policy with poor people my record is clear going back to
when i was a child when i was
a young man and i was a lifeguard i was a lifeguard and i went up against corn
pop because he's a
bully trying to come around trying to rub pomade on his own hair i said that's
bullying can't get away
with that porn porn corn you know how it goes let me tell you something every
politician in this
country every politician who grew up rich you're gonna have to have some kind
of story that makes
it sound like you grew up in the manger every politician no matter how rich
they are you got some story
he says my dad used to sleep on hay yes sir that's how it was that's how it was
we used
yes sir all right father once got lost on the i-95 right there in the corridor
and we slept in a car until that car broke down and i grew up and i went to
grade school
third grade first grade preschool then i was done yeah and when the car fell
apart we've
we slept on the tire we pulled the tires off except the tires when the tires
fell apart and got eaten by
the badgers we slept on the hubcaps all right thank you and that's when i woke
up and i said i've never
slept on the side of the highway again that's why i'm all about amtrak all
right sir thank you my
connection to the working class today is that i take amtrak up and down when i
just got to do some
errands i take an amtrak out i just i hop on over you know in the old tex avery
cartoons yeah there's a
the train comes through the station and there's a mail bag so the train doesn't
slow down it just
picks it up from the post as it goes by that's the way it is joe biden yes sir
i don't want to buy
i'm a uh i'm a public figure i don't bother with uh training going down all the
way to dover train
station the amtrak train the seller just whoops by and i just reach your hand
out and go
hey she'll be coming around the mountain when she comes thank you sir thank you
for calling sir i
look forward to uh watching your campaign riding six white horses when she
comes thank you so much
very very good okay joe biden
you