Name: The Holy Trinity Sell Out (Office Hours Ad Compilation)
Uploaded: 2020-09-10T17:00:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Holy Trinity Sell Out (Office Hours Ad Compilation)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Holy Trinity Sell Out (Office Hours Ad Compilation)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-10. Transcript available.

The Holy Trinity Sell Out (Office Hours Ad Compilation)

I like having fun. I like to laugh. I like to meet people.
City of the Day is brought to you by John Jasper Bowling Balls. Never rent a
ball again.
Order a John Jasper Bowling Ball today.
John Jasper Bowling Balls are made from the finest plastic urethane and
reactive resin.
Order your balls. Get the holes form-fitted perfectly for your fingers, your
middle finger, your index finger, and your thumb.
All you've got to do is scan your fingers, take a picture of your fingers.
You've got to put some kind of lube on them or something.
Wait, which fingers again?
You said index finger?
Index finger.
No one bowls like that.
Sure.
Wait, index?
I don't know.
Ring finger, middle finger, and thumb. You're correct.
Doug, do you use John Jasper Bowling Balls or do you just use whatever they
have at the alley?
Well, I used to use whatever they had at the alley, and then I tried a John Jasper,
and now my strikes are ugly.
Yeah, I don't know why I would ever go back to renting balls at the alley.
First of all, it's a waste of money. I've got my John Jasper.
You're filthy.
Plus, in this age of this virus, you can't be touching these bowling alley
balls.
I've got a 15-pound ball, which works for me, form-fitted holes, and I get
strikes every time.
Rock, motherfucker, yeah!
I'll tell you something. I've been bowling 300s for the past two months now at
my private bowling club.
Doug, I've got to get you in on this private bowling club, man.
Oh, man. Now you're telling me about this club. I didn't know about that.
This place is beautiful.
They don't even have balls to rent there, so you can't even go there without a
ball, but I'll tell you something.
The John Jasper bowling ball has changed my game, folks.
Tim, I've got to tell you something. I bought a Brunswick ball.
Yeah.
It came with no holes in it.
I went to the John Jasper ball, and it's got the three holes, and it works
great.
You had to bore your own holes, man.
Yeah, I know.
I used to bore my own holes, you know.
It's not a big deal, but when you get your pre-bored John Jasper bowling balls,
these are fine balls, folks.
Go to JohnJasperBowlingBalls.com.
Why don't you just take your balls out of your wife's purse?
Make a stand for a time in your life.
If you order at JohnJasperBowlingBalls.com slash officehours, you'll get a free
cleaning kit to clean your balls.
Jasper, wake up!
Wake up!
City of the Day is sponsored by Sniffy.
Sniffy.
Sniffy detects odor before you do.
This is awesome.
I actually love this product.
This is a brand new product on the market.
I like that.
What's that?
That music was bad.
Sniffy is unbelievable.
Sniffy detects odors before you do.
Simply plug Sniffy into a wall outlet and let Sniffy do its thing.
You can pair Sniffy with the Sniffy app so you can get instant alerts when a
smell is coming your way.
Excuse me.
I'm trying to do this commercial here, guys.
Did you know Sniffy?
Excuse me.
I'm going to mute you.
I'm putting Sniff sound effects to sell the product.
Let's just make it a bed and not make it a whole montage of explosions and
things.
Sniffy detects odors before you do.
Simply plug Sniffy into a wall outlet and let Sniffy do its thing.
You can pair it with the Sniffy app so you can get instant alerts when a smell
is coming your way.
Sniffy can cover up to 500 square feet and Sniffy can identify over 100
distinct odors including human flatulence, human body odor, dog and cat excrement,
skunk sprays, roast chicken and other hot foods, roses and other flowers.
Never let an aroma, never let an odor or aroma pass by you again.
Go to sniffy.com slash office hours to receive 20% off.
If you order now, Sniffy guard, it comes with a Sniffy guard, which is
basically a clothespin.
So if you get an alert of a noxious odor, you can quickly put the clothespin on,
I guess, and avoid the smell entirely.
Sniffy!
Doug, do you have a Sniffy unit at home?
Have you got a chance to play around with it yet?
Yeah, I did get the, I used the discount, the office hours discount.
Yeah, it's been working out great.
Yeah.
I've been able to identify different smells.
I got an alert.
It said, you have, you have actually now, oh, there's a smell of, it says smell
of male body odor.
Did you get that alert?
I got, because I have one installed here in the studio.
I got it.
I turned the male body odor alert off on my phone because it kept, it kept
going off.
It kept going off.
Brought to you by Soup Chute.
Soup Chute.
Soup Chute.
Soup Chute.
Where's my commercial music thing?
There it is.
Soup Chute is the only way to get hot instant soup delivered to your soup bowl
through a simple attachment to your hot water heater.
The installation is easy and it's easy enough for any amateur plumber.
The way Soup Chute works, hot piping water comes up from your hot water heater
through one of our, one of the 15 delicious flavor pods and out and down the
Soup Chute landing right into your favorite soup bowl.
You can put it, you can put it, you can have it installed right by your sink.
Some people have like a water filter.
You know, this is basically like, hard to explain.
It's a chute, you know, like a water chute where hot water comes from your hot
water heater, goes through a flavor pod, adding the soup flavors and down into
your bowl instantly.
They got classics like Split Pea, Chicken Noodle, Lentil, Tomato, Italian Wedding.
Upgrade.
Italian Wedding?
Italian Wedding Soup.
Very famous soup.
Got little meatballs in there.
That's opulent Chinese mayo.
You can upgrade to the cream attachment and get cream of broccoli, creamy
potato soup and so much more.
Go to SoupChute.com for a full list of Soup Chute flavor pods.
Use, uh, use the code Office Hours for a 10% discount.
Um, I, you know, it's one of those products I don't actually, I haven't, I
haven't interfaced, I haven't interfaced with it yet.
I, there's, they said they're going to be, Matt, do you have any update on that?
They said they're going to be sending me, uh, the package, the, whatever, the
kit.
Um, so I can't speak to, but I've been, the reviews are through the roof and
people seem to love the Soup Chute.
I've been, they get, they sent me like a little, uh, trial thing they've been
working on.
Oh yeah.
It's, uh, it's salads in soup form.
So I've been drinking, uh, some chef salad and, uh, the chicken Caesar is, is
okay.
It's a little chunkier.
Wait, hold on.
I don't, I'm confused.
What is going on?
It's, you can have, they have it hooked up.
There's this new thing.
It's not ready for public consumption yet, but you can, you can have soup,
salad in soup form.
Uh-huh.
So it's just, it's same kind of deal, but it just, it tastes like a salad.
The flavors of salad.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
All the favorite salad.
Anyways, City of the Day brought to you by Soup Chute.
City of the Day is Davenport, um, Iowa.
Weather right there.
Thank you.
The, the commercial's over.
That was driving me nuts.
I like that song though.
A little, a little much there.
Now Tim, with the soup, um.
Go ahead.
Did you mention that the, the frozen, um, bread bowls that they offer?
Frozen bread bowls?
No, I didn't, I didn't get to that.
I didn't, that wasn't in my copy that I was given.
Oh, my copy had the thing about the 75 frozen bread bowls that you gave.
75?
Where are you going to put those?
I will, I don't, well, you'll find a way.
City of the Day is sponsored by, we have a new sponsor today.
Sponsored by Seed, Seed Protein Spray.
It's kind of an interesting product for all you health nuts out there.
Sort of a supplement, I guess.
Seed Protein Spray.
Few nutrients are as important as protein.
If you don't get enough through your diet, your health and your body, uh,
composition will suffer.
Average consumption of about, uh, is about 50 grams through a normal diet.
So if you just, if you're a regular guy or a gal, you, you're eating regular
food, you're going to get about 15%.
That's the bare minimum.
And, uh, experts say you need a lot more.
So Seed Protein Spray adds an additional 18 to 20%.
It's great for increased energy, weight loss, and general health and immunities.
Uh, Seed is, is an organic blend of animal protein, largely consisting of a
blend of, uh, semen from bulls and buffalo.
There's, uh, is it easy to use nasal spray dispenser?
Two quick pumps of seed into your nasal cavity is the easiest way to boost your
daily protein intake.
So you just, I guess, I don't know.
I don't know what the consistency of it is, but I guess they extract protein
from the bull, sperm, semen, whatever it is.
What is the difference between sperm and semen?
Semen is the...
Semen's inside the sperm.
Semen's in the...
Sperm's in the...
Sperm's in the...
Sperm's the little...
Sperm's the little worm.
The little fish.
The little worm fish.
Sperm's the worm.
Sperm's the worm.
Red big bulldog.
So maybe it's not semen.
Maybe it's the sperm.
I don't know.
Whatever...
Whatever they get...
However they get the seed product, they extract it from the testicles of the
bull and the buffaloes.
So who are the animals?
Because I don't smell them.
But...
And Doug, you're a vegetarian.
Am I correct?
No.
That's correct.
You're correct.
So this is exciting.
Now, there's a vegan option that's entirely plant-based, so you can get the
same protein boost without using animal products at all.
So how do they do that?
That's made from animal proteins, I guess.
They just extract the proteins from the kale or whatever, and they...
They look like the same.
Flower nectar.
It's the same.
Pollen is perhaps the semen of the flowers.
It's the same exact product.
Same results.
Same price.
Go to spp.
Tim, I would like to say that...
Semen slash office.
Go to...
Go to spp.semen slash office hours and get a 10% discount on seed protein spray.
The semen from the bull could be vegetarian.
It could be ethical if the bull was into it.
Well, that's...
So that's why this is vegan, because it's a similar situation.
People are vegetarian, but they have milk.
So I don't think that they're slaughtering the bulls to get the cum.
I think they're extracting them through a masturbating machine or something.
Oh!
Okay.
Anyways.
Ah!
Get me bulldozed.
City of the Day is sponsored by...
Jacoby and Myers ice cream.
Jacoby and Myers.
Jacoby and Myers, the world-famous personal injury law firm, is now offering a
line of delicious ice cream.
I know, you may be thinking, Jaquiden, Breyers?
No, it's Jacoby and Myers.
Four-star personal law firm, just in time for summer.
Enjoy an entire cold case of flavors they have.
What is hot?
Innocent until proven green tea, almonds are greeted equal, bailiffs Irish
cream, recess pieces, banana split decision, cookie dough versus Wade, crookies
and cream, buttered PX con, solitary confined mint, 12 angry M&M's, the
electric chair E, supreme tart, jury of your pears, Paul Banana Manafort.
It's a delicious flavor, kind of a banana flavor.
Rum, Raisin, and Objection, Marsha Mallow Clark, Pistachio J. Simpson, and Jury
Garcia.
Limited time offer, act now and get to jacobyandmyers.com slash ice cream slash
office hours to place your order.
How do you get it?
Place your order, order, order!
How does that work, Matt?
You order ice cream online and they deliver it to you?
How does that work, does it come in a freeze-dried box or something?
Yeah, sure.
So I'm excited that Jacoby and Myers, they're a national law firm, I've used
them many times in all the accidents I've been in.
I've been in several accidents, a lot of them were my fault.
I've had a few drunk driving accidents where I've rammed into somebody because
I was wasted.
And Jacoby and Myers stepped it up.
They made the difference.
They got you out?
They got you...
They cleared my...
They expunged my record, ladies and gentlemen.
They expunged it.
Three DUIs.
Once I was on this highway in Philadelphia and I had about, I had a night of
fun, a night of mirth.
And I had several beers and whiskeys and tequilas, shots.
And I got on the highway, 676.
And I passed the hell out.
I blocked out.
Blocked out, actually.
An