Name: Office Hours Live with James Adomian, Matt Sweeney and Melania Trump (Ep 130 10/8/20)
Uploaded: 2020-10-08T18:38:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live with James Adomian, Matt Sweeney and Melania Trump (Ep 130 10/8/20)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live with James Adomian, Matt Sweeney and Melania Trump (Ep 130 10/8/20)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-08. Transcript available.

Office Hours Live with James Adomian, Matt Sweeney and Melania Trump (Ep 130 10/8/20)

I like having fun. I like to laugh. I like to meet people who can make me laugh.
I like having fun. I guess I like to laugh. I like having fun. We will rock you.
Good morning, everybody. We will rock you. That's our plan today, ladies and
gentlemen. Welcome to Office Hours. It is I, I'm back. I'm not going anywhere.
Come on. Push it, guys. Push it to the limit. I need everybody at 10,000% this
morning. We need to wake this country up.
We need to wake this world up. We are living on this beautiful marble, this
blue marble. And we're all stuck here together. We're not getting off this
planet anytime soon. We got to learn to live together. That's my message today.
Can we come together? Can I get together with everybody right now and say, let's
have peace and harmony. Let's have total, total world peace.
Let's let us control. Let us take back the power. Let us take back the power.
Good morning, Doug.
Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Good afternoon. If you're
calling in or if you're listening on the East Coast, good evening.
Good evening. Good evening. If you're calling, if you're looking, looking at us
right now in Scotland, Wales.
New Netherlands. And welcome back to the studio, to the when, the only one of
the greats, one of the pioneers of the new comedy.
We talk about old comedy when you look at things like Stooges and even some of
the John Candy movies and, you know, SNL.
The germ has gotten so brilliant.
Okay.
This is Nuke.
This is Nuke.
This is Nuke.
This is Nuke.
This is Nyuk Nyuk comedy 2.0.
It's Vic Berger and he's back.
He's positive.
Hello, everybody. I'm happy.
That he's negative.
He's positive.
Positively negative.
Woo-hoo!
It was a close call, but nothing got into my veins and I'm breathing just clean
air right now.
You're not breathing clean air in this room.
I have had terrible gas.
Ladies and gentlemen, Vic, how is your neighbor doing?
Are they on their last breath?
Yeah, the husband and wife still have it and they think the daughter might have
it.
Nice.
But they're doing okay.
They're all right.
We're keeping away from them.
Are they symptomatic?
A little bit.
They were like a few days ago, but they're doing okay now.
I've never felt better, ladies and gentlemen.
I've been doing proactive treatments and I've been doing steroids.
Oh, that's sissy talk.
Regular guys don't talk like that.
We have a terrific show, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you for joining us.
Thank you for listening.
If you're listening on the podcast format, we graciously appreciate that.
And we thank all our patrons who support our show every single day.
They get so many toys and treats, the patrons, at patron.com slash officehours
live.
They got the sneak peek of the music video property, which is now, Matt was
telling me, is blowing up on the internet.
Apparently, it's the number one video of all time.
The pounding.
And they're saying it's going to be more important and actually more sort of
enjoyed than videos like Thriller and Beat It and the rest.
And Like a Virgin from Madonna, which was also a video that we all remember.
It's going to be more enjoyed than Like a Virgin.
Wow.
It's going to be a bigger video than the one with Christopher Walken dancing
through the hotel with his suit on.
What was that one?
Fat Boy Slim.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, my video is just Fat Boy.
Nothing slim about it.
We're going to be talking to the director of that video later in the show and
into After Hours.
We're also going to be talking with James Adomian.
And he's going to be giving us the latest on the Armenian situation.
The Armenian Kazakhstan.
No, is it Kazakhstan?
Okay.
Kazakhstan?
Azerbaijan.
Azerbaijan.
Pardon me.
I'm thinking of Borat.
I've already forgotten it again.
What is it now?
Azerbaijan.
Azerbaijan.
Azerbaijan.
You depend on our protection.
There's some kind of conflict going there.
And with James Adomian, obviously he's got some kind of Armenian roots with a
name like Adomian.
He's going to help us find a bridge.
Computers.
And of course, we are also thankful and grateful and send grateful thanks to
Vic Berger for providing us with these strange hats.
But they're the official, we're going to get to that?
Is that the official?
I will announce the official hat shortly.
Okay.
I just thought it might be a good lead up to it.
It would be under normal circumstances, but we are living in extraordinary
times.
Up for, not up for discussion today will be, Doug?
City of the day.
No?
City of...
Not up for discussion will be the fly.
We don't want to hear anything about the fly.
Oh, right.
We don't care about the fly.
Mm-hmm.
Everyone got through that.
It happened.
It was what it was.
What about is...
I told everybody last night I didn't watch the debate.
I have no interest in it.
I voted already.
There's nothing anybody can say to change that.
I watched baseball.
I watched the Dodgers get out of a close one.
And boy, let me tell you, that was an extremely stressful and meaningless four
hours of my life.
I have so many funny fly jokes that no one's thought of yet.
You have to delete them or do them on your own podcast.
What about...
What about...
I can barely see the road from the heat coming off.
Van Halen news.
Well, I want to talk about Van Halen with my other guest today, Matt Sweeney.
Matt Sweeney...
Let's get that out of my ear.
Now, if I was a human being, I'll do one minute on the fly, okay?
Since I can't go to the comedy store and do my fly chunk.
If I'm a human being, I'm feeling that.
I'm hearing it.
I'm going, get out of here, fucking fly.
Have a moment.
Have a moment of humanity where we all buzz flies away.
I get eaten alive by mosquitoes where I live right now.
You must know that, Vic, being living here on the Heidecker compound.
Yeah, you're right.
And I've put you on mosquito control and I've asked you to go around and spray
me and swap me.
Clap them.
Get out of here.
Get out of here, you gnat.
And it does no good.
No, it doesn't work.
I mean, I get a few, but then they just, more come back.
I'm walking around on the phone on meetings and he's got that spray can of off.
You're slapping Tim.
Not in my face, Vic, please.
Tim, I got to get to the comedy store.
Oh, dear.
Oh, boy.
Yes, we want to talk about the new fraternal organization of men that we've
started now.
The Reasonable Men.
I've had many people contact me asking how they can join and it's not going to
be hard.
We have officialofficehours.com.
We have a mailing list, a submission button there at the bottom of that website.
We're still, and it's cost, it cost $150 to join.
Let me let that sink in.
It's $150 a month to join.
A month.
Absolutely.
And we're excited about it because we are really the first international men's
organization
to really define ourselves and create a contrast between what the Proud Boys
stand for and what
the Reasonable Men stand for.
I'll go through our code of ethics very quickly.
And again, this is an open code, so we can add amendments to it.
We could actually create a Bill of Rights here.
The code as it stands now, and this has not been codified or voted on in any
way.
So Vic or Doug or Matt, if you want to throw in any additional things, it can
be up for debate
or discussion.
I'd also like to...
That's good.
This is the official song.
Your instincts are correct.
And now, the official Reasonable Men Code of Ethics.
Like we're in a bad comedy sketch.
Code of Ethics are as follows.
I will choose if and when I masturbate.
My masturbating will only take place in reasonable places like bathrooms or
bedrooms, either alone
or with someone who has given me permission.
A little carving out a little caveat there so we don't get accused of anything
inappropriate.
A little bit of salt goes on the balls.
Ah, but this one.
I don't think anyone's going to have a problem with this one.
I will not beat up my friends.
I consider any and all violence an act of last resort.
I look to resolve conflict through reasonable discussion.
And I don't take seriously any notion of race theory or eugenic quack science.
But beating up friends, I mean, shouldn't it be just anybody, though?
Well, then the second...
Oh, sorry.
Go ahead.
The second is I consider any and all violence an act of last resort.
I don't want to say that, you know, if somebody's...
If someone comes at me with a baseball bat, that I'm just going to sit there
and take
it like a Quaker.
God bless them.
The pounding.
Shabbat shalom.
So I want to just...
Because one of the Proud Boys codes or rules is that they beat each other up as
some sort
of hazing prop, right?
They have to name all these serials.
Right, to get into the first degree, right.
So if you want to join the reasonable men...
And also, by the way...
Wait, what about collecting collateral, you know, naked photos and embarrassing
emails?
No, there's none of that blackmail.
Oh, we're not doing that?
No.
There's no blackmail.
That's because I was watching that NXIVM thing.
I thought it was a great thing that they were doing.
Yeah, I was watching that.
I was trying to find the downside in any of that.
I couldn't identify anything I disagreed with.
Successful people.
If you want to join, I would like to formally nominate Phil Braun to be our
southern outreach
leader.
You make a good point.
Reached out to him before this.
I don't know if he's going to agree to it.
Phil?
So Phil, I don't know if he still watches the show.
And by the way, women are invited to join.
Gay, trans, bi, whatever you are, however you identify, you are welcome to join
the reasonable
men.
And we can even vote on changing the name.
I played a gay man lit lit lit lit lit lit lit lit lit lit lit lit lit lit lit
lit lit.
What is that doo-wop song?
Little or uh pretty little angel eyes.
Little little angel eyes.
Little little angel eyes.
Little little little little little little little angel eyes.
Uh and the super chat is open by the way ladies and gentlemen if you care to
send us a few dollars.
If you're not a patron, if you don't believe in the monthly subscription format,
then you can always throw us a dollar, two dollars, a hundred dollars, whatever
you feel is comfortable.
I of course am not the Adam Kregler type.
I'm not the Tim Pool type where I'm going to be going on and on and on about it.
It's not the point of the show to rake in cash from you.
That is the point of the Tim Pool show.
Wow.
Is to.
Oh Tim.
Uh.
This stupid audience.
So dumb.
As far as the reasonable men and women.
As far as the visual men and women.
We may.
We wear these hats.
I guess that would be part of the.
Part of the look.
Well there is some talk.
How about the hats are optional?
Maybe just wear them if you'd like.
There is some talk about making these pith style hats.
These straw fireman hats.
The official reasonable men shirt.
And there's a lot of debate and discussion about that going on right now.
Amongst the potential candidates.
Could be just like a color shirt.
Like any kind of shirt.
But just has a certain color.
No.
Well you keep.
You know what?
You guys keep on trying to add rules.
I'm saying no rules.
Okay.
Wear whatever you want.
Be whoever you want to be.
If you like the Grateful Dead.
Listen to the Grateful Dead.
If you like Mike Love's solo work.
Listen to Mike Love's solo work.
Has he ever done a solo album, Vic?
Yes.
Do you want to hear a song from him?
Of course.
And I know you have it ready to go.
I do.
Where is it?
Well let's get to City of the Day.
Have that for.
Oh this is it.
All right that's enough of that because we're going to get flagged.
I like how he just sounds like Brian Wilson when he sings.
He kind of sounds like Mike.
Did he develop that vocal style?
He's the nasally guy in the Beach Boys.
Right.
When you hear Brian Wilson, that's the high one.
Yeah.
He's singing high.
Mike's supposed to be the bass man in the group but he doesn't have a real low
voice.
They should have got Vin Diesel.
Speaking of that.
You see that rainbow behind me?
It's a sign of brighter days to come.
I hear that barbershop courtsets are n