Name: Neil Hamburger Reveals His Safe Space During Covid (Best of Office Hours)
Uploaded: 2020-10-10T16:56:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Neil Hamburger Reveals His Safe Space During Covid (Best of Office Hours)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Neil Hamburger Reveals His Safe Space During Covid (Best of Office Hours)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-10. Transcript available.

Neil Hamburger thanks for calling in how's it going on your part of the world
what's happening
where are you calling from there's so much clap trap and noises and things like
that it's hard
to it's hard to hear what it's hard to get in a word edgewise i apologize you're
gonna play all
these rink dink recordings and i mean it sounds like the inside of an amusement
park there and
that's not the way to do a radio program well you gotta get get those guys out
of there okay and and
just speak to the people i don't i mean it's very hard to communicate with this
blips and bleeps and
blurps and gaseous flatulent sounds and all that sort of thing well i i hear
that and i've been
begging these guys to cool it down especially when great guests like you come
on but i know you don't
want to spend your time here uh giving personal giving notes about the quality
of our show i wanted
to ask you sir well the quality is good the quality is good i'm not knocking
the quality i'm
knocking the bleeps and the blurps we don't want to well clear the clear the
lines for you sir and we
will give you the respect that you deserve there'll be no tomfoolery behind me
trust me on that stop
that now listen where are you right now where are you calling this from neil
well as you know i i had
been uh hold up in in clovis at the uh the best western for many weeks because
of this this lockdown
you know i can't do the shows that i normally do and and then i came out to
west hills which is
closer to where you are and was there at the super eight for a couple of weeks
and quite frankly i could
not uh keep away from all these uh you know these these maskless slobbering sputtering
pigs that are
just everywhere and making it very likely that i would get sick and be unable
to to tell my jokes so i
had to get out of los angeles completely wow and and that's what i've done i've
gone very far away
about three hours away i found this place oh where's that is it undisclosed or
can you can you reveal
well it's uncharted it's actually it's an island uh it's about three hours uh
and you leave from
hermosa beach or i think you could probably leave from anywhere on the coast if
you if you knew how to
get there if you had the trajectory it's just a little island it's just a nice
little island and
it's actually very historic uh in that this was the original uh gilligan's
island not the tv show but
the original uh the actual gilligan and and that crew of people that uh that
shipwrecked there that
they based the show on and uh and so that's where i am and it's very historic
there's no one else here
and it's very fresh air how long does it take to get out there he just said
three three hours
three hours okay so i didn't realize in the show yeah we see right in the theme
song we've already
seen the theme song i think we all have seen gilligan's island so i didn't
realize gilligan's
island is based on a real place yeah you know the real the real folks that shipwrecked
they weren't as
you know they weren't as funny as on the tv show and they had to merge some of
the characters
apparently the professor was gilligan gilligan was a professor and then but the
rest of them are
exactly as they were on the show just as i say a little less funny and uh you
know i found some
diaries here and things like that they didn't base the tv shows on the diaries
because uh the diaries
were buried i actually found them when i was digging for for ants to eat so i
assume i assume now it's
not a deserted island if you've if you were able to find it i mean it's it's so
were the original
gilligan cast the the actor or the not the actors but the uh the real people
that were stranded on that
island were they eventually rescued and returned home safely well it's
interesting you know i've had time
to explore this island and i found i guess you call it a makeshift uh sort of
cemetery or graveyard
uh that they that they set up for the ones that uh that passed away so you have
the skipper
is buried here and i've seen his grave and uh and in the millionaire and and
also his wife she passed on
and then um there's a grave for ginger and marian now on the show it was marianne
but the grave
uh says marian but here's the interesting uh thing is that there's no grave for
professor
gilligan so he obviously was the one that buried the rest of them and i don't
know if he's on this
island that i'm going to run across him i found some bones that could have been
his but honestly it looked more
like uh bones of a wolf so i'm not sure if what's going on he would had he
lived a professor gilligan
uh would have been in his 80s at this point i'm a little confused how do we
know how do we know their
story i mean how do people know about these people uh to tell the story that
became the tv show gilligan's
island oh it's in it's in some of the encyclopedias you just have to uh you
know you do your research and
things and uh i guess some of these hollywood uh you know these screenwriters
are you know a lot of
them are are druggies and don't get their work done on time so rather than
write a new story they
just found the story about this sad group of people that shipwrecked and they
just took the whole thing
uh aside from uh i don't know why they split professor gilligan into two
characters that that
is a mystery i don't know if i'll be able to solve it while i'm here i don't
know that the that
any of the people here knew about the show honestly fascinating a couple a
couple of things that have
kind of uh uh popped up in my head as i'm hearing about this is um i suppose we're
breaking a little
bit of news here that it sounds like this is this is um you're you're the first
to kind of put this
this to this two and two together this island you found uh is the site of the
of the original
gilligan's island that's what i'm understanding so that i mean that seems kind
of like
fairly notable have you told anybody else i mean well it's not the original it's
not the original
it's the real the difference the original was the tv show this is the real gilligan's
island
but no one knows about professor gilligan's nobody knows about this you
discovered it
well i think some people know about it you guys don't but you know uh you guys
you're you're
it seemed like your world is playing bleeps and blips and blurbs and not
studying history so so
are you saying it's kind of i'm asking you is it's common knowledge that there's
a real gilligan's
island out there that where these real people were well i knew about it you
knew about i knew about it
and that's why i went out here what about that because i thought well doug
wants to know what
about that's just a tv show come on that's just a tv show that's not a real
fantasy island
look and tell when you watch it it's all props it's a set it's a set that's
that's fake
okay so well i have another question about the gilligan the real gilligan's
island um so you you
were looking professor gilligan's island you're looking professor gilligan is
it you're you said
you're looking for ants to eat like what what kind of food yeah i mean there's
not well i'm getting
i'm eating a lot of honey and and ants and uh what about you know basically
combination for that
there's no coconuts here it's not like on the tv show it's not like on the tv
show there's no
line where i mean i found no clothesline where anyone was ever drying their
their you know
hundred dollar bills like on the tv show i don't think that happened i think
that was
what about the bicycle writers delusion i'm just curious if they starved to
death
the original crew that i mean the the real officer gilligan well they may i
mean there's graves
there's there's several graves you think they died from that or from old age is
there dates on the graves
these guys didn't have calendars it's this is a deserted island i know on the
tv show they had all
kinds of amenities but this isn't the tv show this is the real gilligan's
island now i'm lucky that my
my phone works because these satellites these phone satellites are so high in
the air well the satellites
are quite high have you ever seen a satellite floating around of course not
because they're so high up there
that as long as you're you're high high up enough you can get the phone signals
and then i bought two
solar phone chargers before i set out on the three hour tour so i'm i'm set for
a while now
what's your plan to stop working and these are amazon basics so they probably
will so what's your plan
what's your long-term plan and do you have a way how did you get to the island
and do you have a
method to get off the island i guess would be a good question i went out with a
charter uh boat
operator i had to pay him and uh and he dropped me off now the weather was very
rough on the way here
and the the the tiny ship was tossed around a bit so i hope he made it back
safely i suggest that he
stay there as well but uh you know he didn't have any interest in it he said he
wanted to get back
to her most of the beach so that's his choice i don't know i i suppose i could
text him and see
if he got back i've only been here about a week and how are you planning to get
off the island to
to communicate with the the charter captain and and have him scoop you back up
well i mean i've i've got phone access so maybe i'll get you guys to come get
me
that seems like the kind of guy that knows how to operate a boat no so doug you
see
so he seems like the kind of guy that could get me out of this mess so you
consider this a mess
you're in that you're on a deserted island uh is there any shelter we don't
want to add any more
graves to that island so i would you know i could put together a canoe or
something but i have a
question neil that's what well i don't want to get off it now and it's a mess
in that honestly i'd
rather be there with you guys uh you know having some fun and telling some
jokes but as long as
everybody's slobbering i mean and then the thing is is that the smoke from
these fires terrible
the best case scenario would be if they came out in the news and said hey guess
what guys
good news the smoke actually killed the virus you know the smoke would kill the
virus that would be
terrific wouldn't it wouldn't that be great and i was hoping for that and it
did not pan out so
that's why i said you know what i'm gonna get the hell out of here now i hope i'm
not stuck here
forever i don't want to end up uh you know a pile of bones like professor gilligan
uh but uh you know
is there any evidence there that um this so-called professor gilligan was a
kind of a bumbling fool
or any kind of any kind of you know evidence that he was inept in any kind of
way or is that more of
the hollywood schwartz treatment that's what i think because the makeshift
graveyard i have to assume
that he was involved with that with that because as i said everyone else is
there but him
um the headstones are very nice they're symmetrical uh they're they're carved
with wood
he spelled all the words right uh they're spaced very evenly it's uh you know
it's not forest lawn but
uh as far as graveyards go it's quite good that's very interesting that he took
the time and uh
sort of care to to make uh to bury all them and somehow somehow you know maybe
it seems like he was
the last man standing there on the island apparently clearly now clearly i mean
he could still be here
i don't know was gilligan the guy with the hat yeah gilligan the professor on
the tv show
no in real life there was a professor gilligan uh-huh no they they took
professor gilligan
and they split him into a dumb character and a professor i don't know why they
did that that's
terrible but if you've seen you know you see like the successful show ray charles
movie or the
any of these biopics they often do these composite characters this is sort of a
reverse composite
character i guess well um just one question so you believe that you have you
believe that there's a
chance that professor gilligan might still be alive on the island somewhere
there's no evidence that
he's that he might have left he might have escaped right no i i found some
bones but the jaw there
there was a skull that looked more like a wolf's skull a wolf you know than the
professor's skull so
i don't think that that's the only bones i've found so far now it's it's not
the hugest island but
i haven't been here long enough there could be some caves he could be in one of
the caves and you
haven't encountered any you haven't encountered the harlem globe trotters or
anything like that
i have not seen them and there's no graves for them either okay you know and
that's a big one
more question 15 people on the team one more question where do you uh lodge at
night do you
have some kind of like a hammock set up like gilligan and the skipper had where
you anything like that
how do you exactly like that yeah it's probably i mean there was there was a
hammock that was kind
of rotted away i guess from the exposure to the elements um but parts of it
were still intact and
so i was able to sort of piece together i'm i wouldn't say it's a good hammock
i'd say that i
should have gone to a pier one imports or something before i i set out on this
trip you know and on the
tv show those guys they brought all kinds of things but uh i'm afraid i didn't
plan ahead as well as i
should have all right well listen uh neil hamburger we wish you the best of
luck we hope you get back
safely i would suggest um keeping you know it sounds like we're eating up quite
a bit of your phone
battery on this call so i don't want you to end up uh with it's solar oh it's
solar okay good well
i have a solar charger i can charge it my phone is better charged than yours
guys i promise you that
because i keep the solar charger plugged in all the time it's at 100 right now
what's yours yet i bet
it's not 100. uh it's not you're correct all right mr uh hamburger good luck to
you and i hope everything
turns out right how interesting to discover that the gilligan's island program
was based on a real
island you know tim it's too bad he's not good luck to you uh all the best
anything else you want to add
any from any uh anything you want to if you guys if you guys want to visit if
you want to visit that's
fine but you gotta you gotta get tested before i would allow that i see this
island has no no
coronavirus here at all it's very pure sounds like a true paradise and no fires
to speak of either i assume
i can see i mean you know this is three hours away but i can see that something's
gone wrong on the
mainland from here final word doug i'd rather go to vince gilligan's island
probably has better
amenities there you go yeah it probably does but it's probably filled with all
these pas and camera
guys and all these people that'll give you the covet all right uh neil take
care uh thank you for
calling in we always appreciate it and good luck out there on the high seas on
uh congratulations on your
millions episode guys keep keep up the good work thank you

Neil Hamburger Reveals His Safe Space During Covid (Best of Office Hours)

Neil Hamburger thanks for calling in how's it going on your part of the world
what's happening
where are you calling from there's so much clap trap and noises and things like
that it's hard
to it's hard to hear what it's hard to get in a word edgewise i apologize you're
gonna play all
these rink dink recordings and i mean it sounds like the inside of an amusement
park there and
that's not the way to do a radio program well you gotta get get those guys out
of there okay and and
just speak to the people i don't i mean it's very hard to communicate with this
blips and bleeps and
blurps and gaseous flatulent sounds and all that sort of thing well i i hear
that and i've been
begging these guys to cool it down especially when great guests like you come
on but i know you don't
want to spend your time here uh giving personal giving notes about the quality
of our show i wanted
to ask you sir well the quality is good the quality is good i'm not knocking
the quality i'm
knocking the bleeps and the blurps we don't want to well clear the clear the
lines for you sir and we
will give you the respect that you deserve there'll be no tomfoolery behind me
trust me on that stop
that now listen where are you right now where are you calling this from neil
well as you know i i had
been uh hold up in in clovis at the uh the best western for many weeks because
of this this lockdown
you know i can't do the shows that i normally do and and then i came out to
west hills which is
closer to where you are and was there at the super eight for a couple of weeks
and quite frankly i could
not uh keep away from all these uh you know these these maskless slobbering sputtering
pigs that are
just everywhere and making it very likely that i would get sick and be unable
to to tell my jokes so i
had to get out of los angeles completely wow and and that's what i've done i've
gone very far away
about three hours away i found this place oh where's that is it undisclosed or
can you can you reveal
well it's uncharted it's actually it's an island uh it's about three hours uh
and you leave from
hermosa beach or i think you could probably leave from anywhere on the coast if
you if you knew how to
get there if you had the trajectory it's just a little island it's just a nice
little island and
it's actually very historic uh in that this was the original uh gilligan's
island not the tv show but
the original uh the actual gilligan and and that crew of people that uh that
shipwrecked there that
they based the show on and uh and so that's where i am and it's very historic
there's no one else here
and it's very fresh air how long does it take to get out there he just said
three three hours
three hours okay so i didn't realize in the show yeah we see right in the theme
song we've already
seen the theme song i think we all have seen gilligan's island so i didn't
realize gilligan's
island is based on a real place yeah you know the real the real folks that shipwrecked
they weren't as
you know they weren't as funny as on the tv show and they had to merge some of
the characters
apparently the professor was gilligan gilligan was a professor and then but the
rest of them are
exactly as they were on the show just as i say a little less funny and uh you
know i found some
diaries here and things like that they didn't base the tv shows on the diaries
because uh the diaries
were buried i actually found them when i was digging for for ants to eat so i
assume i assume now it's
not a deserted island if you've if you were able to find it i mean it's it's so
were the original
gilligan cast the the actor or the not the actors but the uh the real people
that were stranded on that
island were they eventually rescued and returned home safely well it's
interesting you know i've had time
to explore this island and i found i guess you call it a makeshift uh sort of
cemetery or graveyard
uh that they that they set up for the ones that uh that passed away so you have
the skipper
is buried here and i've seen his grave and uh and in the millionaire and and
also his wife she passed on
and then um there's a grave for ginger and marian now on the show it was marianne
but the grave
uh says marian but here's the interesting uh thing is that there's no grave for
professor
gilligan so he obviously was the one that buried the rest of them and i don't
know if he's on this
island that i'm going to run across him i found some bones that could have been
his but honestly it looked more
like uh bones of a wolf so i'm not sure if what's going on he would had he
lived a professor gilligan
uh would have been in his 80s at this point i'm a little confused how do we
know how do we know their
story i mean how do people know about these people uh to tell the story that
became the tv show gilligan's
island oh it's in it's in some of the encyclopedias you just have to uh you
know you do your research and
things and uh i guess some of these hollywood uh you know these screenwriters
are you know a lot of
them are are druggies and don't get their work done on time so rather than
write a new story they
just found the story about this sad group of people that shipwrecked and they
just took the whole thing
uh aside from uh i don't know why they split professor gilligan into two
characters that that
is a mystery i don't know if i'll be able to solve it while i'm here i don't
know that the that
any of the people here knew about the show honestly fascinating a couple a
couple of things that have
kind of uh uh popped up in my head as i'm hearing about this is um i suppose we're
breaking a little
bit of news here that it sounds like this is this is um you're you're the first
to kind of put this
this to this two and two together this island you found uh is the site of the
of the original
gilligan's island that's what i'm understanding so that i mean that seems kind
of like
fairly notable have you told anybody else i mean well it's not the original it's
not the original
it's the real the difference the original was the tv show this is the real gilligan's
island
but no one knows about professor gilligan's nobody knows about this you
discovered it
well i think some people know about it you guys don't but you know uh you guys
you're you're
it seemed like your world is playing bleeps and blips and blurbs and not
studying history so so
are you saying it's kind of i'm asking you is it's common knowledge that there's
a real gilligan's
island out there that where these real people were well i knew about it you
knew about i knew about it
and that's why i went out here what about that because i thought well doug
wants to know what
about that's just a tv show come on that's just a tv show that's not a real
fantasy island
look and tell when you watch it it's all props it's a set it's a set that's
that's fake
okay so well i have another question about the gilligan the real gilligan's
island um so you you
were looking professor gilligan's island you're looking professor gilligan is
it you're you said
you're looking for ants to eat like what what kind of food yeah i mean there's
not well i'm getting
i'm eating a lot of honey and and ants and uh what about you know basically
combination for that
there's no coconuts here it's not like on the tv show it's not like on the tv
show there's no
line where i mean i found no clothesline where anyone was ever drying their
their you know
hundred dollar bills like on the tv show i don't think that happened i think
that was
what about the bicycle writers delusion i'm just curious if they starved to
death
the original crew that i mean the the real officer gilligan well they may i
mean there's graves
there's there's several graves you think they died from that or from old age is
there dates on the graves
these guys didn't have calendars it's this is a deserted island i know on the
tv show they had all
kinds of amenities but this isn't the tv show this is the real gilligan's
island now i'm lucky that my
my phone works because these satellites these phone satellites are so high in
the air well the satellites
are quite high have you ever seen a satellite floating around of course not
because they're so high up there
that as long as you're you're high high up enough you can get the phone signals
and then i bought two
solar phone chargers before i set out on the three hour tour so i'm i'm set for
a while now
what's your plan to stop working and these are amazon basics so they probably
will so what's your plan
what's your long-term plan and do you have a way how did you get to the island
and do you have a
method to get off the island i guess would be a good question i went out with a
charter uh boat
operator i had to pay him and uh and he dropped me off now the weather was very
rough on the way here
and the the the tiny ship was tossed around a bit so i hope he made it back
safely i suggest that he
stay there as well but uh you know he didn't have any interest in it he said he
wanted to get back
to her most of the beach so that's his choice i don't know i i suppose i could
text him and see
if he got back i've only been here about a week and how are you planning to get
off the island to
to communicate with the the charter captain and and have him scoop you back up
well i mean i've i've got phone access so maybe i'll get you guys to come get
me
that seems like the kind of guy that knows how to operate a boat no so doug you
see
so he seems like the kind of guy that could get me out of this mess so you
consider this a mess
you're in that you're on a deserted island uh is there any shelter we don't
want to add any more
graves to that island so i would you know i could put together a canoe or
something but i have a
question neil that's what well i don't want to get off it now and it's a mess
in that honestly i'd
rather be there with you guys uh you know having some fun and telling some
jokes but as long as
everybody's slobbering i mean and then the thing is is that the smoke from
these fires terrible
the best case scenario would be if they came out in the news and said hey guess
what guys
good news the smoke actually killed the virus you know the smoke would kill the
virus that would be
terrific wouldn't it wouldn't that be great and i was hoping for that and it
did not pan out so
that's why i said you know what i'm gonna get the hell out of here now i hope i'm
not stuck here
forever i don't want to end up uh you know a pile of bones like professor gilligan
uh but uh you know
is there any evidence there that um this so-called professor gilligan was a
kind of a bumbling fool
or any kind of any kind of you know evidence that he was inept in any kind of
way or is that more of
the hollywood schwartz treatment that's what i think because the makeshift
graveyard i have to assume
that he was involved with that with that because as i said everyone else is
there but him
um the headstones are very nice they're symmetrical uh they're they're carved
with wood
he spelled all the words right uh they're spaced very evenly it's uh you know
it's not forest lawn but
uh as far as graveyards go it's quite good that's very interesting that he took
the time and uh
sort of care to to make uh to bury all them and somehow somehow you know maybe
it seems like he was
the last man standing there on the island apparently clearly now clearly i mean
he could still be here
i don't know was gilligan the guy with the hat yeah gilligan the professor on
the tv show
no in real life there was a professor gilligan uh-huh no they they took
professor gilligan
and they split him into a dumb character and a professor i don't know why they
did that that's
terrible but if you've seen you know you see like the successful show ray charles
movie or the
any of these biopics they often do these composite characters this is sort of a
reverse composite
character i guess well um just one question so you believe that you have you
believe that there's a
chance that professor gilligan might still be alive on the island somewhere
there's