Name: An Evening With Tim Heidecker | Stand-Up Special
Uploaded: 2020-10-24T01:00:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'An Evening With Tim Heidecker | Stand-Up Special' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'An Evening With Tim Heidecker | Stand-Up Special' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-24. Transcript available.

An Evening With Tim Heidecker | Stand-Up Special

I wish I had lost a little weight for this, but maybe it's good.
You know what? I pressed that button at the wrong turn.
Ladies and gentlemen, Tim Heidecker!
Hey! Hey! What's going on? Oh, shit!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't fucking touch it.
Holy shit.
What?
Fucking A. Fucking A. Hey! What the fuck is the matter with this?
One, two.
This should be ugly. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
I can't fucking do it. I don't know what I'm doing.
This one's a fucking down.
This is what I'm fucking talking about. This doesn't fucking go in.
One, two. Thank you.
Okay, thank you. Let's start it again. Let's start it.
All right, thank you. Can you cut the music? We'll just start from the top.
Uh, thank you. Can you cut the music? Hey, John, can you cut the music, please?
Cut the music?
Cut the music.
Why don't you just start? We're taking this, so we'll take it from one.
Just cut the... Can you cut the fucking music, John?
Turn the fucking music off, John? Turn the fucking music off, John? Turn the
fuck off!
The fuck is the matter with you? Fuck you! The fuck?
Why don't they fucking get it? Get the fucking music off! Turn the fucking
music off! Turn the fucking music off!
Turn the fucking music off! The fuck is the matter with you? Turn the fuck off!
Turn the fuck off! Turn the fuck off!
You're right, John. Thank you. Okay. Um...
This whole... Shut up for a second. This whole fucking place has been a
nightmare.
I've been here since six in the fucking morning, uh, teching this goddamn show,
and everybody here, I'm talking to camera guys, the fucking... the people that
work here, have been treating me like shit from the minute I got here.
And they get this junk, this fucking shit from Guitar Center, these, uh, mic
stands, and it's been a setup. I mean, it's been a fucking setup!
Are you happy? Are we happy to be here tonight?
Let's hear it Friday night! TGIF!
I need water. I need the water. Let's go! Come on!
Wow.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Tim Heidecker. I'm a comedian. When
I tell people that, they say, "What do you mean, like, Tim Allen?"
I say, "Ooooh!"
A little bit about myself. Um, I was just recently named one of the top five
funniest people in America by a comedy magazine.
Thank you.
Ah, what else? Um...
I'm a guy's guy. I think we should get that out of the way. I don't... I'm a
guy's guy. Hello.
I'm a guy's guy. I love TNA, right?
Oh, I know, I know, I know, the PC police are like, "Wee-hoo, wee-hoo, we got a
criminal here."
But everybody can relax, everybody can take it down, because when I say TNA, I'm
talking about token and ale, so...
What else? I love food. Everybody here, I mean, I love food. I love... I guess
I'm a foodie. I don't know.
I'm a foodie. Sue me, I'm a foodie.
I, uh...
I said to my friend, and he said, "You gotta use this in the show." I said, um...
I said, "If I ever get to go to another planet," right? I said, "If I ever get
to go to another planet, I will not be saying, 'Take me to your leader,' right?"
You see that in the movies, "Take me to your leader."
I will be saying, "Take me to your sushi."
That's what a foodie I am.
Um...
So listen, folks, like I said, I'm one of the top five comedians in the country,
and...
I, uh...
I've been doing this for a long time. I've been doing this for about ten years.
How many people have been with me for ten years, huh?
Um...
And I've had a great career. I've gone out there, I've played everywhere you
can imagine.
And I've been telling my jokes, I've been entertaining people, making people
laugh, and I love doing it.
It's an honor to be able to do it for you guys tonight.
So...
But...
Here's what's happened. I've recently, I've been sort of going through the
motions, you know?
I've been sort of just kind of coming out here, the brain turns off, the
material turns on, and I just kind of...
Go through this time-tested, great material that's been so successful for me.
And really, it's been a great experience. But...
As an artist, as somebody that's always trying to push the envelope and push
things forward creatively and for my audience,
I feel like it's time for me to put myself to the test, to challenge myself.
And that's the reason I developed this new technique that I'm so excited to
debut tonight.
And I've never tried it before, so this is like kind of nerve-wracking.
I am going to try something I've called, I'm calling in my head, comedy without
a net.
And what that means is...
I am...
I got these jokes, I got these great jokes, okay? Like great material.
Time-tested.
I'm putting it in my pocket.
I'm not going to take a look.
I'm going to access this.
I'm going to access the creative, the improvisational, the ad-libbery of it,
all this sort of...
Tapping into sort of what my friends say are sort of like, you know, "You think
something's off with this guy?"
Right?
Like, and...
I don't know what's going to happen. I really don't.
It's a blank slate in front of me.
And, you know, everyone's kind of worried.
The faces are like, "Uh-oh."
But you know what?
I got these just in case.
I'm not thinking we're going to use them, but...
Should we do it or not?
Or should I just...
I could do this.
I could do this.
Or should we do comedy without a net?
I mean, it's up to you.
What do you want to do?
Let's do it.
Let's throw the shit to the wind.
Let's riff, right?
Should we riff?
Here we go.
All right.
Riffin' up.
Where to begin?
I don't even know.
That's what's funny about it.
Um...
Well, the...
I was going to say the fires.
Uh...
That's not right.
Downtown LA, am I right?
It's funny.
It's like...
It's a whole other place.
It's just different.
It's different.
This part of LA.
No, that's what's funny about it.
No, that's what's funny about it.
Um...
Well, the...
Uh...
I was going to say the fires.
Uh...
That's not right.
Downtown LA, am I right?
It's funny.
It's like...
It's a whole other place.
It's just different.
It's different.
This part of LA is different.
Whatever.
Uh...
What...
Uh...
What's your name?
The...
The hat.
Julie.
Julie.
Okay.
Uh...
Julie...
Julie in the sky with...
Uh...
Julie...
Julia Roberts.
How about you?
What's your name?
Good looking.
Colin.
Colin all cars.
Colin all cars.
Calling all cars.
Wee-oh.
Wee-oh.
Wee-oh.
Uh...
He's like...
Don't stop.
Give me...
Give me a break.
Uh...
What else?
How about you?
Nick.
Nick.
Just in the nick of time.
He showed up...
Just in the nick of time.
Nick.
Nick.
Nick.
Just in the nick of time.
He...
He showed up...
Just in the nick of time.
Calling all cars.
Just in the nick of time.
Julie Roberts here today.
What else?
Yes, sir.
Big guy.
Dave.
Dave.
Uh...
David and Goliath.
A lot of Dave's.
You okay?
You got a hole in your...
You got a rip in your jean.
You're wearing sandals.
I'm just...
I'm seeing what I said.
I'm just...
What's your name?
What's your name?
What's your name?
Huh?
What?
Cookie.
Cookie?
Well, I could go...
I could go an hour there.
But, uh...
I could go...
Cookie.
Yeah.
I could go...
Cookie.
Cookie.
Cookie.
Cookie monster.
I'm just...
I'm just...
I'm just...
I'm just...
I'm just...
I'm just...
I'm just...
I'm just...
I'm just...
I'm just...
I'm just...
Cookie.
Cookie.
Cookie...
Cookie monster.
I...
Hold on.
I have an idea.
We could do this.
Uh...
How many people here love hypnos...
Hypnotic...
Hypnosis?
We love being hypnotized.
They love being hypnotized.
It's kind of a cool thing I could do.
Uh...
Sort of a little party trick I can do.
It's kind of neat.
I'm a hypnot...
Hypnosis.
We love being hypnotized.
We love being hypnotized.
We love being hypnotized.
It's kind of a cool thing I could do.
Sort of a little party trick I can do.
It's kind of neat.
I'm a hypnotist.
We love being hypnotized.
It's kind of a cool thing I could do.
Sort of a little party trick I can do.
It's kind of neat.
I'm a hypnotist.
Hypnosist.
And, uh...
Here's what I want everybody to do.
Everybody...
I know it's, uh...
Friday night.
We all want to party.
But what I want everybody to do here is just relax.
Okay?
Everybody relax.
Everybody...
Feel yourself in your seat.
You know what I mean?
Just like feel that backbone.
Feel that...
That your rear kind of sit right into the chair.
And close your eyes.
I'm living...
I'm letting you guys close your eyes.
Good hit.
Get into that seat.
You know what I mean?
I want everybody to do.
You know what I mean?
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes.
Good hit.
Get into that space.
Let them shoulders sag.
Um...
And just everybody chill.
Everybody chill.
And in the...
Count of...
Everybody chill.
Oh.
And in a count of three...
You're going to snap out of it on my thumbs.
Uh...
My snap.
Whatever thumbs.
And in a count of three.
One.
Two.
Three.
Wake up.
And you're all, uh...
Gonna be chickens tonight.
Or tomorrow.
Anyways.
Uh...
All right.
So, listen.
On my...
In my business, you do a lot of flying.
Right?
Um...
Always flying from here to there.
And I always end up sort of in the last position, uh...
When flying.
You know?
You get to the airport and they say...
You show them your ID.
They say...
Uh...
Too bad, sir.
You're in zone five.
I said...
Well, at least I'm not in the Twilight Zone.
I tell a joke.
You?
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Finally, uh...
Got a chance to go to one of those 007 banks.
You've seen these?
These 007 banks?
It's pretty...
I went in there.
I said...
I would like a bond.
A savings bond.
Pretty good.
Finally got a chance to hear the music of Keith Urban.
I thought to myself...
Gee, this, uh...
This guy might want to change his name to Keith Rural.
Do you know what I mean?
But boy, there's a lot of women in music these days.
Don't you think?
A lot of women in music.
I love it.
I think it's great.
Listen.
Believe me.
I think it's terrific.
Uh...
I...
I heard this story 'cause I'm in the industry.
I get some of these inside stories.
Kind of cool.
I heard this.
I couldn't believe it was true.
Um...
This young musician.
She was, um...
I guess just starting out.
And she was in the studio.
And she was singing her song.
And she was...
She couldn't get a sense of the tempo.
You know?
She couldn't get a sense of whether it should be too fast or too slow.
She didn't know what was going on.
So...
She was young.
She said to the producer, uh, or the engineer, whoever it was in the behind the
board, you
know?
And she said, "Can, uh, can you help me here with the pace of this?
Is it too fast?
Is it too slow?"
And the, uh, engineer, he doesn't know, right?
He's just pushing buttons, right?
So...
He goes to the producer, who's sitting next to him.
Or...
Manager.
We don't know.
And, uh...
He says, "What should I tell her here?
You know?
What should we say?"
And he goes, "Taylor Swift."
Taylor Swift.
Tell her to play the song "Swiftly."
Yeah.
And then, of course, Lady Gaga's out there doing her thang.
How many Lady Gaga fans do we have here tonight?
I count myself.
I think what she's doing is important and cool.
And, um...
I love...
No, I love Lady Gaga.
But what's next?
Lord Goo Goo?
Hey, and whatever happened to U2?
Whatever happened to U2?
Where did they go?
They used to come out with an album every year.
Suddenly they disappeared.
Does anybody know where they came up with the name U2?
Does anybody know the history of there?
Where the name U2 came from?
Does anybody know where the name U2 came from?
Does anybody...
Anybody over here know...
What's that?
Do you know where the name U2...
Where the name of the band U2 came from?
Do you know where the name of the band U2 came from?
The name of the band U2...
The name of the band U2...
This is true...
Came from the untalented 2.
And it was...
In reference to the drummer...
What's his name?
Larry Clayton.
Bullshit.
Bullshit.
And the bass player.
And those guys are...
Edge does all the drums and the bass.
And Bono does the drums and...
So...
The untalented too.
Boy, what about these records?
Speaking of music...
These records that come out.
You know, these records come out.
That...
When they come out...
They're not received well.
Or they kind of go under the radar.
They kind of...
Are lost.
They're forgotte