Name: Office Hours Live with Caroline Goldfarb & Nick Lutsko (Ep 140 1/8/21)
Uploaded: 2021-01-08T19:41:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live with Caroline Goldfarb & Nick Lutsko (Ep 140 1/8/21)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live with Caroline Goldfarb & Nick Lutsko (Ep 140 1/8/21)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-08. Transcript available.

Office Hours Live with Caroline Goldfarb & Nick Lutsko (Ep 140 1/8/21)

I'll see you next time.
I'll see you next time.
I'll see you next time.
I'll see you next time.
I like having fun.
Yes, I like it to laugh.
I like having fun to make people laugh.
Good morning.
Good morning, Vietnam.
Good morning, everybody.
It's Tim.
Hi, Dr. We are here live in Glendale, California.
We've got a new backdrop behind us.
I'm not talking about Glendale, Arizona.
I'm talking about Glendale, California, just north of the Los Angeles city
limits.
It is 2021, January 8th, 2021, 10 a.m. here on the West Coast, noon in the
Central Region, and of course, 1 p.m. back east where I grew up, back in Allentown.
Yes, we're living here in Allentown.
I grew up not too far from where Vic Berger was born.
In Bethlehem.
So we have him on the show today, and one of the reasons we have him with us,
we also have the one and the only coming in from the Central Time Zone.
But he's here in California, made the move out here to California.
I'm going to guess 2003.
Good guess.
Came out, crossed the Sierras, crossed the Continental Divide, over the desert,
through the desert, over the Santa Monica, the San Gabriel Mountains.
I took the same path that the Donner party took.
from Naperville, Illinois, loop and stop, Donner's Grove.
Do you want me to do a penis thing?
I always say Naperville.
It is great to be back, ladies and gentlemen.
What a tremendous week it has been for the community of America.
And I apologize, we're a day late, dollars short.
We're a day late, we're a dollar short, ladies and gentlemen.
You guys are making me really ticked off here.
It has been, I mean, for some of you, you saw me last night.
I did a little live stream music show last week.
What did you play?
What did I play?
I just picked up my guitar.
Whatever came to you.
And played, I noodled around, I played some new songs I'm working on and had a
good time doing it.
You were busy watching Jeopardy or whatever you were doing.
MASH.
MASH.
MASH and BOSH.
What about a BOSH mashup?
Or mash BOSH up.
Of course, a lot of thank you for all tuning in to the billion dollar movie
watch along.
That was a lot of fun a couple weeks ago.
So it's not like, you know, we haven't done the show in, what, three weeks, two
weeks, three weeks?
Is it three?
It's about three.
But we are back.
Sorry, we're a day late, dollar short.
One, two, three, let's go.
A really nice piece of hand.
Let's just quickly say a couple things to promote.
Of course, if you're not a member, this is a great time to join Patreon.com
slash Office Hours Live.
If you're not part of that community, what are you even doing here?
Now's a good time to do an annual membership.
Matt, what's the deal in the annual membership?
It's basically you get a free month.
I'm glad you asked.
Yes.
Pop in.
Fifty-five dollars, you get a full year.
What the fuck?
If you don't do that, if you do that piddling month by month, then you're
looking at 60 bucks a year.
So you do the math.
That's a good savings.
Oh, yeah.
And that's how it goes.
This Saturday, which is actually tomorrow, and we're looking at it closely, and
it turns out it is tomorrow.
Because today being Friday, tomorrow being Saturday.
10 a.m. Pacific, if you're a Patreon member.
It's a new feature.
We are doing a live workout with, not me, thank goodness, Doug Lusenhop himself.
We're doing Doug's body tight workout.
DJ Doug Pound.
We're going to do it live, and it'll then remain up.
It could be your one-stop shop for getting yourself in shape.
Get rid of the Peloton.
Get rid of the Peloton.
This audience doesn't have a Peloton, trust me.
If you sell the Peloton with that money, you can easily get a membership.
That's true.
And speaking of, I need to do this, I'm completely, you know.
You're Bowflex, you can sell that.
This show that I've been doing now, it's going to be five years in whenever.
We'll have to look that up.
April, maybe.
This show is my autobiography.
It will be the, these are my memoirs.
These are my memories.
And we've been charting my growth, my failures, my successes over these five
years.
You've followed me on this journey.
You're here with me.
And I'm here to report.
I'm here to report that I am failing.
I am a failure.
Thank you, Tim.
The past month, I've been just chomping away.
I've been chocolating.
I've been stuffing crackers.
I've been eating crackers.
Those Milton's crackers.
Milton's crackers?
Of course.
Those are like the thick ones, the thick square ones?
Yeah.
No.
What are they?
They're rounded.
Oh, okay.
I put cheese on them.
I'm not doing my six-mile walks.
You're not doing Ritz.
You're going up to them.
That's a tough time.
I would eat Ritz, Doug.
I'd eat a sleeve of Ritz.
Ritz are great.
I'm not, you know, look at this, the beard.
I don't care.
You know, there's this idea of a new leaf coming through the new year has been
challenging
because nothing is really changing on the ground.
COVID is as bad as it's ever been.
Now they're telling me that the tests we've been taking are likely bullshit.
Who cares?
This curative shit.
Come on down.
Put this swab in your mouth and we'll let you know by next day.
I knew the whole time it was bullshit.
Thank you for sticking that shit in my mouth.
This isn't doing anything.
That's some bullshit.
Now who knows?
It seems like a big boondoggle, Doug.
That's bullshit.
You got this curative company.
It's the news.
All you need to do is read the news.
I'm not a guy that doesn't believe in the news.
LA Times.
This fucking guy, 25 years old, starts a company.
What, the day he finds out about COVID?
He goes, you know what I'll do?
I'll create a boondoggle.
I probably went to school.
I'm buddies with Eric Garcetti's daughter or some bullshit.
Who knows?
We'll look into it.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
They create this whole scam.
Now, I might be overblowing this.
Who knows?
But that's not my responsibility.
My responsibility is to jump to conclusions and be angry.
I'm not that far into that.
I think it's okay.
I think he was trying to do good.
Garcetti?
No, I'm talking about the 25-year-old.
I think he's trying to do his best.
It just feels like you're going to find out that this is like another Elizabeth
Holmes situation with a blood test.
It's business manage at the federal level, too.
Of course.
I mean, massive failures from the top on down.
There's very few heroes, very few people to feel good about institutions right
now.
I want to give my blood.
Although I continue to support them blindly.
Blind allegiance to our list.
Thank you, Tim.
You know, let's get into it.
I don't want to start dark, but I did.
Jim Apple.
I did!
That's where we're at!
I'm out of my mind!
I got up at 3 in the morning because my dog's scratching at the door!
My dog's going to turn into meat pretty soon, I'll tell you that, Mike.
Yeah.
But I'm going to try to reset right now.
But I need a Zoomer, Matt.
Somebody that's going to come in and provide me with a boost.
All right.
Are we going to do that quest?
Do we have a question today?
We do have a question today.
Oh, we've got a lot of hand raisers today, too.
Oh, hand raisers.
What is the question?
What is it?
Well, it's David Bowie's birthday.
It's Elvis Presley's birthday.
The question of the day is...
Which one?
Which one?
Which one would you...
Which one gets to stay?
Which one gets to come back to life?
Which one gets chopped up and put in an oil drum?
If you had to.
Put in an oil drum and buried.
Which body gets exhumed?
Jesus Christ.
No, no, no.
Tom from England.
Why not?
No, no.
That's an opposite because...
I don't know.
I'm thinking like...
Let's say...
This is the old Hitler thing.
The time travel thing.
You have the opportunity to go back and put either Elvis Presley as a 10-year-old
or...
I'll say 18-year-old.
How about that?
Well, I'm having trouble with this.
I'm having trouble with this.
How about...
How about...
At the Elvis...
You can either go back to the baptism of Elvis Presley or the baptism of David
Bowie,
a.k.a. David Jones.
That's his real name.
You ain't nothing but...
And you can drown one of them.
And down by the river.
You can take the babe.
You have to.
You have to.
You have to.
You have to drown one of them.
Okay?
That's just the rules.
Tom from England.
Speak up.
Yes, sir.
What do you got?
I'm drowning Elvis.
Straight away.
I'm drowning Elvis.
You're drowning Elvis.
I'm drowning.
Drowning little baby Elvis.
What's the matter with you?
His...
Little baby Elvis.
How are you going to drown little baby Elvis?
Well, he's got allegiance to his, uh...
You know, his...
Oh, he's British.
Exactly.
I'm getting drowned.
I'm getting drowned down by the river.
I'm getting drowned down by the river.
Little buddy from England.
Pick that Bowie.
Shame on you.
I mean...
Go ahead.
Make your case.
David Bowie was an alien, so he probably wouldn't drown anyway.
He'd put him in the water.
And David Bowie.
You're not going to drown me, I'm afraid.
You're not going to drown me.
I don't use oxygen.
I actually breathe water.
So as soon as I go under, well, that's the end of you,
because I'm going to become much stronger.
All right.
Well, there.
You're on the record.
You would drown Elvis as a baby boy.
Little baby Elvis.
Why'd you take him, my baby?
What you going to do with my baby?
Oh, no.
You're drowning, my baby.
We already lost the first...
We lost the twin, right?
Yes.
We lost the twin.
I thought he drowned, but he actually was born stillborn.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, here comes the argument that everyone's going to make.
As much as you don't like Elvis, as much as you like David Bowie,
do you get David Bowie without Elvis?
We don't know.
It's not worth even thinking or talking about.
And it's a bad way to start the show.
We're starting on a downer.
It's downhill from here.
All right.
Well, by the way, I have an announcement for you, pal.
In England.
I'm waiting.
We have made a big decision.
Save the date.
This month, January 31st, we will do a Mr. America screening that you guys can
all watch.
It'll be timed for the UK.
It'll be around 8 p.m. UK time.
We're going to do a screening of it that you can watch at home, just like we
did the Billion
dollar movie without the stopping and starting.
We want you guys to have a pure theatrical experience with a Q&A and all the
rest.
All right.
So save the date.
There'll be more information about that.
Anybody can watch it.
But we're timing it for our UK friends, John Galanti and everybody else.
We know how challenging it's been for you to see this award-winning film.
Can I ask a question?
Can I say, can I get a, can I ask a question?
Yeah, okay.
Where's my thank yous?
I did say, that sounds great.
Okay.
That's a little different than thank you.
I'm not going to jump in with a thank you.
We'll wait a little bit.
Okay, fair enough.
Fair enough.
What's your question?
That's the point of the show.
Well, I was actually originally going to ask about David Bowie, but you've kind
of led with
that.
Has anybody seen the musical they did with Dexter playing the man who fell to
earth character?
No.
It's like a David Bowie musical.
Oh, no.
No, they did it in the West End, but I know there's like a live stream of that.
I wouldn't have anybody recommend it.
Is it bad funny or is it good?
I don't know.
I haven't seen it.
That's why I'm asking if any of you guys had seen it or anyone else in the Zoom
because
I know you can, it's only like this weekend only you can pay to stream it on
the internet.
And you're saying it's a musical about the life of David Bowie starring the guy
from Dexter?
Is that what I got?
No.
It's the music on David Bowie starring the guy from Dexter playing the
character David
Bowie played in The Man Who Fell to Earth.
It's a stage adaptation of The Man Who Fell to Earth.
Yeah, I think so.
There you go.
All right.
Have you ever seen David Bowie play the elephant man on stage?
That's pretty cool.
He does like a whole, he doesn't do any makeup or anything.
John, what's his name?
John Merrick.
John Merrick.
I'm a man, you see.
My head is large.
Is it a one-man play?
My head is s