Name: Lance Oppenheim & Insurrection/Inauguration Pun Contest w/ Andre Hyland (OHL Ep 141 1/14/21)
Uploaded: 2021-01-14T19:43:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Lance Oppenheim & Insurrection/Inauguration Pun Contest w/ Andre Hyland (OHL Ep 141 1/14/21)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Lance Oppenheim & Insurrection/Inauguration Pun Contest w/ Andre Hyland (OHL Ep 141 1/14/21)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-14. Transcript available.

Lance Oppenheim & Insurrection/Inauguration Pun Contest w/ Andre Hyland  (OHL Ep 141 1/14/21)

We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
Is it all the way up front?
What do we think, folks?
It's about right up there.
And then you bun it.
Yeah, that's all right.
McConaughey bun.
All right.
There you go.
Well, ladies and gentlemen.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, where do we go from here.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, where do we go from here?
Well, ladies and gentlemen, where do we go from here?
We, I don't know how to do that.
I don't know.
I forgot how to do this show.
I forgot what we do here.
Someone remind me, let's do it, let's do it, let's do it.
All right, let's do it, let's do it.
We got the horse gangster.
Who's that?
I don't know.
I don't know.
He's been pestering me in the chat.
The horse gangster.
And now he can't even unmute.
Come on, horse gangster.
The horse gangster.
Hello?
He's like fumbling around.
Say something, horse gangster.
Are you unmuted yet or what?
Yeah, I'm unmuted.
Oh, there you go.
What's going on?
Wow, okay.
Yeah, listen.
Let me say something, folks.
If you're in the Zoom, there's a good chance I'm going to call you up.
So I don't want to hear any more of these, oh, wow, okay.
Shit, I didn't think to.
Just be ready or I'll smack you down.
It just came out of nowhere is all.
Oh, yeah.
Well, that's life.
That's what we're doing here is teaching you about life.
Sometimes someone's going to come on and kick your ass.
I'm out of kicking.
So what do you have for me today?
I'm basically here just to kind of pull down the veil on the horses.
Yes.
Yes.
I don't know what you're talking about.
It could be the bridle if it's a horse, not the veil.
Glad you could drop in.
What are the horses?
Are we talking literal horses or are we talking some kind of metaphor?
No, this is very much literal horses.
All right.
So I have a theory that is basically related to the fact that horses are
amongst the most demonic creature.
I'm running out of steam here very quickly.
Yeah.
It's a flop.
Goodbye.
Yeah, no, I concede that.
I concede that.
That's all right.
More demonic than a goat.
Well, how about that horse that's at that Denver airport?
You ever see that horse?
That statue of the horse with the red eyes?
That's pretty spooky.
Coincidentally, I actually do live in Denver.
See?
So I see that quite often.
There it is.
How about that distance?
I forgive you.
The distance from the airport in Denver to Denver proper is one of the wildest
distances.
If you want to talk about strange distances, you've got the airport and then it's
got to be something
like a hundred miles away from the city.
Right, Doug?
You can confirm on this.
It's not a hundred miles.
It's like an hour away or something.
And you pass through like just miles and miles of empty land that would be like,
well, we
can put it here.
This would be closer.
I have to go ahead and interfere again.
Doug's wrong.
You're wrong.
Okay.
What?
Doug is wrong.
The airport is in the confines of the city of Denver.
How far, though?
Bullshit.
That's enough.
Oh, you know.
Bullshit.
I was going to hand over money to you guys today.
What?
But if you're just calling me a liar.
Well, put some evidence up to the table.
You can't just come on here and make wild accusations that it's part of the
city of Denver.
And I want to see the city.
I want to see like the city borders.
Maybe they got one little noodle, little string going out on that highway.
I'm on it.
I'm on it, baby.
Hold on.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Here you go.
Look.
Okay.
There you go.
What am I looking at?
I don't even know what I'm looking at.
There's a map.
Yeah.
Okay.
I have it.
I pulled it up.
All right.
Thank you.
It's about 30 miles.
Yes, but it's still too far.
But is it in the city of Denver?
No, it's way out.
Here you go.
85.
We just doxed the Denver airport.
Oh, my God.
All right.
Well, there you go.
Thank you for being a man.
Were you thinking of giving money in terms of becoming a patron?
Is that what you're saying?
Yes, I am both becoming a patron today, and I'm going to say some nonsense in
the chat with
some more money.
Good.
Well, listen, this is a great time to become an annual member.
If you can afford it, join in January.
You have office hours all year for a free month.
So think about doing that.
It's only, what is it?
55 bucks.
You know what?
I probably will.
You can pay 55.
You might as well do that.
What are you going to do?
What are we going to?
What's it called?
On the Sopranos, when they're draining everybody once every week, like, Sill
always talks about
it.
They're saying, like, I got her on the, you know what I'm talking about.
Like, it's a gambling thing.
I don't want to have, I don't want to have.
Oh, the big, the big.
Yeah, because we're going to start putting points on these fees.
So you might as well just pay it off now.
Basically, the Patreon is like, you're in debt to us.
Like, people, I don't know if the audience knows this.
Anybody watching the show or listening to the show is in the hole for us.
Because this is not free.
This show isn't free.
So you might as well start paying.
Because we don't want to tag on the Vic.
And I'm talking, not talking about this Vic.
I did, I did agree to make this financial contribution in exchange for this
endorsement.
So I'm waiting for your endorsement.
I give you my full, full-throated endorsement of whatever you want.
I will endorse anybody today.
Today is almost like, again, I mean, we're very focused on the gangsters these
days.
But almost like it is the day where I will do whatever you ask me to do.
You come to me, you ask.
I cannot say no.
I cannot refuse you.
Okay?
That's what today's about.
We're supposed to endorse that horses are evil.
Is that what he said?
That's true.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I have asked for you to specifically endorse the murder of horses.
Listen, if you're going to murder a horse, do it responsibly and legally.
That's the key.
Legally.
There's a lot of people out there who are taking their...
Don't do what Ralphie did.
Don't burn the whole stable down.
All right.
That's spoilers.
Do you all really believe this?
All right.
Thank you so much, horse guy.
Let me just say quickly, we've got a tremendous show today.
Stick around.
We've got Lance Oppenheim, the young.
Hmm, so young.
Ooh, so young.
Sit back and relax.
Director of one of my favorite, really true...
And it's been annoying as I try to use the English language properly to say
this has been my favorite movie of the what?
Not of the year, because it's only January 10th, and I saw it last year, but it's
not out yet.
So put all that together.
Try to be in my shoes for a day.
It sucks.
It's really hard.
Open them beautiful eyes.
It's so hard.
I'm like, well, is it my favorite movie of recent?
And that doesn't sound great either.
It's not my favorite movie of all time.
I mean, I'm going to tell Lance that.
Listen, Lance, what do you think?
Is this my favorite movie of all time?
When Godfather's out there, when Goodfellas is out there.
Come on!
How about in the documentary department, though?
No, it's not my favorite documentary of all time.
Really?
Vic, clear out your desk.
You're done!
Is everybody okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just camera stuff.
Don't worry about it.
Okay.
And then we're going to have this tremendous pun contest surrounding the insurrection.
The insurrection.
What did he call it?
The calamity at the Capitol?
He had a word I never heard before.
I should have wrote it down.
Because he didn't want to call it an uprising or insurrection or whatever it
was.
He said something.
I grabbed it.
I have to pull it up.
I was going to do something with this and I got too lazy.
A dust up?
He said, let me hear.
For you, I was shocked and deeply saddened by the calamity at the Capitol last
week.
That's like a Three Stooges episode.
The calamity.
The three Stooges and calamity at the Capitol.
Listen here.
I want...
Hey, Mo!
I just got elected.
I just got elected a congressman.
Why, you?
I'm going to be a chief of staff.
You hear me?
They're going to do as I say.
Lots of gavels involved.
Oh, it's all right.
It's all right, kid.
Oh, Mo!
I voted for impeachment.
Why, you?
No, it's all right, kid.
No worries.
He doesn't say no worries.
That's all right, kid.
You didn't know what you were doing.
Get over here.
Come here.
Calamity at the Capitol.
The newest short from the Three Stooges.
Calamity.
Oh, the calamity of it all.
Anyway, yes, Matt's asking me if we want to take a Zoomer.
So the contest itself will begin at 11.
Hey, John Galanti.
Hi.
People love waving at me.
Almost like I'm the queen, you know?
For John Galanti, that's an important thing, the queen.
He's an Englishman.
Isn't it Galantini?
I don't know.
It's Galantini.
What do I say, Galanti?
That would sound good in tongues, John Galantini.
John Galantini.
Let me see.
You want a punster?
Yeah, somebody submit your pun.
You could become part of the pun contest.
And at 11, the experts, me, Doug, Vic, and the great Andre Heinlein will be
joining us to compete.
That's the show today.
And we're going to wrap things up now.
Hallelujah, Tim.
Good morning.
Right.
Good morning, cool guy.
Hey, I'm Beanie Bros with Doug today.
Hello.
What's up, brah?
So you got a pun for me?
I do.
Now, after the insurrection or the calamity, if you want to call it that, they
got all these
metal detectors set up right in the Capitol.
Yes, I've heard about this.
And the Republicans aren't going through them, right?
Yeah, it's just a mess.
Hold on.
Let me talk about this for a little bit.
No, I'm just kidding.
I'm just sidetracking.
No, what?
So, okay.
Talk to me.
So, my question, like, what's up with these guys, right?
I mean, they don't want to go to the metal detectors.
They might be, what, cyborgs or something?
Like, they're from Skynet or something?
Now, look, I know they're a big leader.
I know he's a one Terminator.
But come on, guys.
You got to get with it and get through the dang metal detectors.
There you go.
Brandon has submitted his pun, the one Terminator.
I like it.
I like it a lot.
Okay.
Thank you.
Cut to tape.
You want to give it a one to five rating?
Yeah, one to five, gang.
What do you got?
Yeah, everybody in the Zoom.
So, folks, the way we're going to judge the contest today is in Zoom,
we need the one to fives, one to fives.
And Matt's going to do, he's going to get his calculator out.
It's going to be wonderful.
And, you know what, in the chat on YouTube also.
I'm seeing twos and threes.
I'm seeing lots of fives.
I'm seeing lots and lots of fives.
A lot of people are saying this is a five.
Okay.
I'm going to land at three.
Matt's going to be the judge par excellente.
I'm going to land at three.
Three is better than accurate.
I mean, that's my calculation.
Sometimes about to bust up.
I've got more, too.
I mean, I can keep going.
No, you can't.
Not on my time.
I tell you what, why don't you go spin that globe, huh?
Why don't you go spin that globe and sit on it?
Give it a spin.
Stop laughing at me.
That's not that funny.
That's next to a picture of my great-grandmother right there.
Aw.
Anyway.
Where are you calling from, by the way?
I like to get a sense of geography.
Yeah, no, I'm calling from Kentucky, land of our fearless leader, Mitch
McConnell.
Mm-hmm.
There it is.
I'm a ready-bick burger.
Yeah.
No, I do need to move the show along.
That was me.
That was Doug.
That was Doug.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Thank you for your time.
Thank you for your time.
I love you.
I love you.
Wait.
Wait.
You said we can ask for anything and you give it to us?
That's...
Yes, that's the statement I made today.
You'll get an endorsement.
No, you make a request of me.
I shall...
I cannot refuse.
Come on, man.
Okay.
Money?
Get the fuck out of here.
Get him out!
You want to pay me?
Get him out!
$3.
$3, huh?
All right, we'll talk.
$3 for a three...
How about this?
I'll give you free money.
Sign up for an annual membership of Patreon.
You ge