Name: Alex Mallis, Jollene Levid (Af3irm) on Office Hours Live (Ep 151 3/25/21)
Uploaded: 2021-03-25T18:41:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Alex Mallis, Jollene Levid (Af3irm) on Office Hours Live (Ep 151 3/25/21)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Alex Mallis, Jollene Levid (Af3irm) on Office Hours Live (Ep 151 3/25/21)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-25. Transcript available.

Alex Mallis, Jollene Levid (Af3irm) on Office Hours Live (Ep 151 3/25/21)

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Noon out there in the Midwest 1 p.m. in New York and other times to be
determined out
there in the great merry old England and what time is it in Hawaii?
Anyone want to guess?
Yeah, 7.30.
Well, it would be on the hour.
7 o'clock.
7 o'clock.
Vic says 7.
No way to know.
We can call somebody.
Somebody from Hawaii needs to call in.
Let's call the Taco Bell in the show on the show is live on the show on my
Twitter right now, and I guess it would be Periscope as well.
Okay, so I'm just letting the world know, but I just saw myself and I didn't
like what I see.
I'm fearing that we're not out of the woods with this haircut, folks.
That's very interesting.
What do we think, Doug?
What do we think, Doug?
Are we living with it?
Is this another haircut?
No, no.
Oh, oh.
This is just what...
It's growing and nice, I think.
Well, I just cut mine yesterday.
No, let's just not make it all about you, Doug.
How could you?
Well, I have a long way to go before I look as cool as you, Tim.
You always look greater than me.
But I feel like it's a little too put together.
On the Zoom the other day, though, I almost complimented your hair because you
had it looking cool, I thought.
You almost did, huh?
Tim, we should get hair and makeup people in here to make us look banged up.
I think you're right.
We're looking too good.
I mean, the lighting in here is really good, I have to say.
I look very handsome in general.
And everyone's always excited when I wear my Lacoste long-sleeve polo.
People always write me with compliments on that.
God creates man.
God creates dinosaurs.
Is that Jeff Goldblum there?
Jurassic Park?
Probably.
Yeah, that was...
I must have drank me about 15 Dr. Peppers.
How are you holding up, Doug?
I know it's been rough.
Something like starting from the beginning feels like the right thing to do.
Okay, let's do that.
What do you mean it's been rough?
I don't know.
I'm just causing trouble.
Let's say good morning to Zoomers out there.
By the way, producer Matt is working remote today.
Good morning to you, Matt.
Sefe, Sefe, Sefe, Sefe, Sefe, Hi.
Matt is in the mountains.
In the mountains.
Okay, great sunny day.
You know what I find is, I don't know, this is probably unique to, maybe it's
unique to Southern California or the fact that the industry is here.
But something, maybe this happens everywhere, but there's something that
happens with the springtime, with spring break, that there, it almost becomes
this like month of, everyone's on their own spring break schedule.
So you have my kids, my daughter's spring break is one week and then my son's
is another week and then my wife who's in college is another week, then all
three different weeks.
And then people take their own vacations and then offices are closed some weeks.
It becomes a whole spring break season.
And it's impossible to get anything done.
Oh, well, I'm not in the office that week.
We're on spring break.
Oh, I'm just, we just wrapped up our spring break.
So, yeah, I just, that's just a, Matt, I guess is on his spring break now.
I guess I'll never take a vacation because all I do is work and make content
and make art.
That people beg me for.
Why aren't you doing more of this?
Why didn't they, why wouldn't you do, why isn't there more seasons of that?
I'm in the studio again, making music.
Should I reveal who I'm making music with?
No.
No?
Yeah.
Go ahead.
I mean, I don't care.
I don't make the rules.
I was graciously under the command, under the assistance, the tutelage, under
the partnership, under the working with, as they say.
Trent Reznor.
Mac DeMarco is helping me with my new record.
Mac DeMarco, very successful, young indie god.
Me and him and Drew from the last Fear of Death album are plugging away, making
a new record.
So it's been fun.
Guys are wondering why I'm not so active in the group chat.
That's what I'm doing.
I'm playing chords.
I'm not doing hands-free.
I'm doing real chords.
I'm using G chords, C chord, F.
Number of chords.
Mostly major.
Sometimes you do minor chords for bridges.
Just to create a little atmosphere, a little mood.
Minor chords never hurt.
What's the tone of the album?
Sad, nostalgic, quiet, very serious.
Let's take a Zoomer.
Good morning, everybody.
Who do we have, Matt?
Somebody is going to put me right today.
Somebody can slap me around.
Eddie the Horseman.
Eddie the Horseman?
Okay.
Horse Kid?
What is your name?
Horse Kid?
Eddie the Horse King.
With his...
King.
Yes.
What is it, Eddie?
Yes.
Let's go with Horse King.
What is it now, Eddie?
Just a couple.
I was curious.
Curious about a couple things.
Yes.
Did you guys receive my gift, number one?
Did we receive your gift?
Matt, did we receive his gift?
We received so many gifts.
I answered him in the chat that I am away right now out of town, but I will be
back tomorrow
to retrieve his gift.
I'm going to fly all the way home.
Oh, I think I know what it is.
What is it?
What is it?
What is it?
Drum roll, please.
Is it a surprise?
All right.
It's the goddamn...
It's a horse mouse pad.
Yay!
My mouse pads are coming, finally.
It's only been a week.
Nice.
I have terrible timing to not be around because I have a feeling that the box
is full.
Full of mouse pads.
Of mouse pads.
Well, it could be worse.
It could be filled with mouse droppings.
I appreciate your mouse pads.
I said last week I am just...
I'm in a really bad spot with my mouse pad right now.
It's in really bad shape.
Really bad shape.
By the way, I'm also upset because that Suez Canal is all blocked.
I'm waiting on a major shipment.
I have a...
What do you got coming?
I have a ton of ancient Egyptian artifacts coming.
I ordered this crate online.
And supposedly, I'm getting a crate of a mummy, like a sarcophagus.
Wow.
Mummy, which are...
They think...
The guy believes is filled with jewels.
Absolutely free.
Can you believe that, Doug?
And it's sitting there waiting to pass through the canal on its way to me.
But it's going to come in this big wooden box with a bunch of straw.
You know?
And Vic, if you don't mind helping me out, we're going to crowbar it open.
Tim, it's not going to be some haunted...
These aren't haunted mummies, are they?
I don't think so.
I'm not worried about it.
But I want you guys to be here when we open up that crate.
I don't know about this, Tim.
I don't know about this.
We're going to open up that crate and reveal that ancient sarcophagus from
ancient Egypt.
I don't know, man.
What?
Are you scared?
Maybe he'd be cool and nice, you know?
Yeah, maybe there's jewels in there, man.
Give him a microphone.
He can sit on that side of the table.
Do I get a cut of these jewels or do I just have to be for the opening, the
unveiling?
I'll pay you.
I'll pay you for your assistance, okay?
I'm keeping the jewels.
I think it'd be great.
All right.
Oh, somebody says, if you were getting something from Egypt, it would be faster
not to go through
Suez.
Look at a map.
All right.
Well, I just...
Sorry.
Sorry, all my bits can't be 100% accurate.
I'm sorry.
You were curious about something else, weren't you?
Sorry to interrupt your White House.
Tim, is there going to be any Nefertiti teas in there?
Some what?
Nefertiti teas.
I was curious about one more thing.
Go ahead.
Digital.
You know, I'm somewhat of a newish fan.
Welcome aboard.
I've become somewhat acquainted with your musical tastes in the last year or so.
And I've gotten the impression that you don't care for hip-hop or so.
Hip-hop or so.
Hip-hop or so.
As much as these other genres.
Correct.
Yeah, I mean...
Hip-hop.
Yeah, sure.
Slash rap music.
Slash R&B.
I think that's fair to say.
I have the right to like or not like whatever.
Yeah, that's fine.
That's fine.
Are there acts at all, hip-hop-wise, you know, in the last decade or so that
you do appreciate?
No.
I'll tell you what.
I came in here whistling today.
Zero.
I don't know.
If I say something, you're going to laugh at me for being lame or I don't know.
Yes, I'm going to do it.
You know, what is this?
As I say, Doug's brother is in a somewhat prominent rap group.
Who?
Who?
My brother.
I believe Doug's brother is in a somewhat prominent rap group.
I don't think Doug has a brother.
Oh, the ELP?
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
I love Run the Jewels.
I love Run the Jewels.
There you go.
Run the Jewels are top-notch for me.
They're the best.
And your Jewels are coming here from Egypt.
It's not that I have like a particular disdain for any of it.
It's just it doesn't, you know, I don't think about listening to it when I
think about listening to music.
I found this guy called Twista.
Maybe he's popular.
I don't know.
He's from the 90s.
And he's like in the Guinness Book of World Records for the fastest like
speaking on a rap.
And he's like, that was a pretty amazing album.
From 1996, I think it was.
I do have trouble because I can only comprehend so much.
Like the lyrics come out so fast.
And sometimes it's hard to understand them.
And I want to understand.
Maybe you have to like read along or something.
But I have nothing but peace and love for everyone.
Listen.
You know, like, what's his name?
Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre.
Yeah.
I mean, listen, if it's on, I'm not going to be like, fuck this.
Get it on.
Like, you know, I mean, my kids will listen to stuff.
And we were actually listening to some Snoop Dogg the other day and dancing in
the kitchen.
And it was very lovely.
Of course, there's some bad language in there that I don't love my kids.
I had Dr. Dre's The Chronic and I was probably like 11 or something.
My mom, I gave a copy of it to a friend of mine.
And his mom came to my mom and said, your son gave me this.
Gave my boy this.
It's the one with those nasty skits in the middle.
Yeah, the skits in it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't have.
The nut skits.
I mean, I guess I like the Beastie Boys.
Yeah.
You know, that stuff's cool.
Yes.
The Beastie Boys is very, very good.
It's full of hip hop.
Mm-hmm.
You know?
You guys tell me what I should like and I'll like it, okay?
Then we can move on.
It's better than that Grateful Dead.
Any rap is better than that Grateful Dead.
This goes out to all the women and the world.
All right.
Thank you.
Let's move things along now.
I'm about done.
Yeah, we're good.
Yeah, thank you.
Get back to your Henry Kissinger book.
Is that what you're pretending to read?
What else?
What do you have in there?
Cracked Magazine in between?
Yeah, I know what you're really reading.
Trust me.
You got your Cracked Magazine stuffed in there.
You're mad.
Or your comic books.
Oh, boy.
Look at this.
What are you?
Doris Kearns Goodwin?
Boy, I feel bad for Doris.
This is very nerdy particular stuff here.
But if you look at it, I don't want to make fun of somebody for their
appearances.
But Doris Kearns Goodwin is an older woman who's now, you know, she's written
these amazing
biographies, mostly of presidents.
She wrote Team of Rivals about Abraham Lincoln and these FDR books that are
great.
They're very interesting.
You know.
She's like our historian laureate.
Laureate?
Laureate?
Poet laureate.
Laureate.
Yeah, historian laureate.
But she's been wearing, she's taken to wearing wigs, apparently, I believe.
I don't know if this is confirmed.
Is there a reason why?
Maybe she's lost her hair.
But she wears these wigs.
And you know when anybody that wears a wig and then they start getting older
and the hair
volume and kind of youthfulness of the hair starts not matching the age of the
person?
Very much what's going on there.
Right.
So.
I think you're specifically referring to the master class of hers.
I'm not.
That's got no longer.
Stop chiming in, Eddie.
I've dismissed you.
You're not my special guest, Eddie, the horse king.
With your globe.
Look at him.
You're muted, Eddie.
I love you, but I didn't ask.
I'm talking about when she's on Meet the Press or one of these other shows.
I'm not watching her master class on history.
Go ahead, Eddie.
One more thought.
He's got one more thought, Eddie.
Go ahead.
We've got to unmute you now.
Unmuted.
Tim, 