Name: Eliot Glazer, Jon Glaser, Aaron Carnes on Office Hours Live (Ep 156 5/6/21)
Uploaded: 2021-05-06T18:41:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Eliot Glazer, Jon Glaser, Aaron Carnes on Office Hours Live (Ep 156 5/6/21)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Eliot Glazer, Jon Glaser, Aaron Carnes on Office Hours Live (Ep 156 5/6/21)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-06. Transcript available.

Eliot Glazer, Jon Glaser, Aaron Carnes on Office Hours Live (Ep 156 5/6/21)

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crowd. Let's him for everybody. Oh, wow. We have 250,000 people in the Zoom
right now.
Unbelievable. Terrific. We have the Trinity has reunited. The Trinity is back.
Yippity,
yippity doodah, zippity doodah, zippity yay. My oh my, what a wonderful day. A
lot going
on today. We got Doug Loosenhop in the house. Woo. Doug, happy to hear your
voice. See
your face today. Thanks for coming off your shrimping ship or your crab. My
pleasure, Tim.
Your crab crabbing expedition, I guess, got cut short and you came directly
here from your
ship. The boat sank. You sheared that, you sheared that sheep yourself. What's
going on
back there? What are you, busy shearing? What are you, hairy shearer now? What,
with my sweater?
Yes. Where's your Mrs. Gordon's, uh, fish sticks bag? What? This is cottagecore,
Tim. This
has nothing to do with fishing. Ah, cottagecore. Suddenly we got a newfound
land back there.
And we got Simon Says Himself, Victor Berger in the back. Wake up. Wake up.
Good morning, Tim.
Vicky B with his Bruce Springsteen glory days bandana. Oh, yeah. Oh, I met a
man who was an old
baseball player back in high school. Yeah. He could swing all the girls around
his head, throw
him like a fool. Right? And producer Matt, no comment on him today.
The boys are enjoying my sense of humor. I'm going to say some of my biggest
fans are the
boys behind me. Right? Vic? I love the last. Nice guy. What is the first time
you remember
seeing me on TV or the computer? And do you remember that moment when you said,
ha? It was a computer and you were with Mrs. Henderson. And I laughed really
hard.
This is, you're like, this is. I didn't know it was you. I didn't know who it
was. Oh, sure. Why would you? I just thought it was a bald cap guy. Some random
guy. I didn't know. You didn't know. It was on Ebon's World probably stolen.
Yeah. You know, it was something like that. I had no idea what it was. I had to
look into this. Doug, not a fan of me, but always up for taking a job. It's
just a gig. He's a journeyman. Doug. In studio today. We have a new in studio
guest. Vaxes are flowing.
Needles in my nips. Elliot Glazer is with me. Elliot Glazer here in the
compound. I am here. Fully Vax, baby. Welcome to the compound. Well, nice to
meet you. Nice to meet you. We have not met. We've met just in passing. Well,
tell me about that. We met at Matt's house. What? Yeah. At Stella's birthday
party. Oh, right. What were you doing a while ago? Just taking inside. You're a
two-year-old's birthday party alone.
Were you with somebody? That's sick, man. Elliot's a close personal friend. I
once did this. My daughter's birthday is in August. End of August.
And she was very into Halloween, as kids can tend to be. And she's like, I want
to have a dress up like Halloween party for my birthday, but it's August. So,
okay. Sure, let's do it. But, and I know how a friend of mine loves, an adult
male friend of mine loves Halloween.
And so I said, if you want to come to this, he doesn't have any kids. I'm like,
if you want to come to this, we're having like a Halloween party. And he showed
up like in a Halloween costume. It was just all kids in this.
What was his costume? Do you remember?
I think he did a Frankenstein or a vampire deal. You know, something classic.
Halloween is intense for adults.
It's intense for adults? Do you go to Halloween parties? Will you go back? Will
you, will you go to a Halloween party now that, now that the world is opening
back up again?
I will go, but there's, it's very much a, you know, a, you're towing the line
between like, acting like a baby, you know, like being a baby and like wanting,
dressing up and wanting to be lauded for, it's like a, it's like a bizarre pageant.
Yeah.
You know, I, I get the, I get it, but I don't know.
I had a, I had a, like a, Eureka moment. Many, I had a Eureka moment.
Oh, I had a Eureka, I had a Eureka moment, let's say maybe seven or eight years
ago.
I had just been married for a couple of years and we were like, let's go to the
fair. We'll go to the state fair in, in like, out east, Pomona, the Pomona
state fair.
And it was with some friends and we're like walking around and I'm like, what
the hell is wrong with me? This is what you do with children.
Yes.
I should have children.
Yes.
I shouldn't be doing, I shouldn't be going to the fair as an adult.
Well, your kids are just fair accessories.
They're fair accessories.
County fair accessories.
But the people there.
A.K.A. kids.
Well, the adults there do at that fair, because I've been to that fair without
children.
Yeah.
And there are people who carry around beverages in baby bottles, like big baby
bottles.
Oh, they infanticize the whole experience.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what's fucked up about that fair is they have that, it's like a ski.
The lift.
The ski lift that goes over the entire fairgrounds and there's nothing to stop
you from.
There's like a little, it's like a ski lift.
So there's nothing to stop you from, very little to stop you from sliding out
and just plummeting into the hard tar.
Truly.
The hard tar to the macadam.
Falling face first, but there's like a shawarma weed.
And I have, like, my fear of heights has gotten worse and worse every day that
goes by.
I mean, I could barely walk.
I'm on, I have a second floor in my house.
I don't even like to go up there.
This is what I'm talking about.
I don't even like to go up there.
No, but my wife took my daughter there.
She's like two years old.
I'm like, I'm not going on that shit.
But you have a two-year-old and you're holding on to her.
Yeah.
For like five to ten minutes, it's, she said it was like, I was like frozen in
fear.
I was holding her so tight.
Because if she started wiggling, it's like, goodbye.
She's out.
Life over for her and life over for me.
Because what the fuck do you do when your kid dies from a ski lift at the fair?
I would go into some kind of crazed drug addiction, eventual murder by suicide
situation.
Hale-bop style.
Definitely some kind of shit, like murder by cop, suicide by cop situation.
My kid dies.
It's a complete trap.
This is very dark, by the way.
Yeah.
You got to admit that.
Vic!
All right.
I have to deflect.
I have to go to you and say, where the fuck were you last week?
What happened?
Well, I don't know if that was clear, but I was protesting these standing desks.
I just did not want these.
Matt said, you guys are looking lazy back there.
No.
And I was like, I'm going to take a week off and protest, but I lost.
That is not the story.
It's not the truth.
But no, the truth is, I don't want to bore you with too much kid talk, but I've
been trying
to get my son to go to school.
That's our new branding on the show.
It's called Kid Talk.
Kid Talk.
And my son's been having some major anxieties.
He's four years old, almost five, but in-person school started, so we've been
trying to get him
to go.
And I've been spending the past couple of weeks, three hours in the morning,
trying to coax
him out of the car and got the psychologist involved.
And he's just been having major separation anxiety.
It's, you know, from the pandemic and everything.
So, but he went in yesterday because I manhandled him.
I picked him up.
You used physical force?
After a long time, I wasn't like, I very-
You didn't spank him.
No, no, no, none of that.
Very, I was very calm throughout everything, but just like, you know, working
with the teacher
and the principal that I picked, kind of pushed him in and closed the door
behind him like
a wild animal.
And the principal came over and helped him out.
And then I took off.
Yeah.
And then they-
You scurried.
They texted me like five minutes later.
He's like playing and everything.
He's happy.
I kind of had to do the same thing today, but it's, yeah.
I mean, the vision of you last week, knowing that you are needed here and
really-
I think you guys probably did okay.
We did okay.
But we, but needed here and it's frankly, like it's a highlight of your week, I
would think
to be here and be on camera and laugh and have fun and talk to the audience.
Right.
That, that period of time, that hour before nine or before 10 or whatever,
where you're negotiating
with your goddamn kid.
Uh-huh.
7, 7.30.
Trying to rationalize with him.
Come on.
Don't you understand what this is?
Come on.
It'll be fun.
I got to go to the podcast.
And then I feel bad because as we're there, I showed him the live stream.
Oh.
And he, he, no, I should not have done it, but I, you know, I was just like
checking in
to see if you guys carried on without me.
No, we didn't pause the show and wait.
Maybe you got to quit being such a good dad and then he'll want to leave you.
That's right.
Or like go to school.
Hey, speaking of last week, we're going to get to so many calls and you chime
in, by the
way, this is your, your, you chime in whenever you want.
Got it.
I mean, who knows if I'm going to even talk about like, who knows if I'm going
to like
get into like interviewing you.
No, you don't know.
Who fucking cares?
You don't care.
Oh, I've never heard that before.
What is it?
E.T.
Oh.
Oh, Elliot.
Very base.
Oh.
How old are you?
37.
So E.T. wasn't really, that was, that was a little old.
I think I was born the year that it came out.
I was 82, I think.
The month it came out.
83.
Oh, then, yeah.
Was it 82?
I think it was born in the year.
Listen to me.
Anyway, we could listen to me.
No one else.
Surmise.
I was, last week's show is wild because we had the Super Wolves, Bonnie, Prince,
Billy,
and Matt Sweeney on, and it was a very weird, intentionally weird and fun chat
with them.
But I was, in all the craziness, I forgot to plug, not plug, but bring up Matt
Sweeney's
passion right here, which is this, what's it called?
The EastRiverParkAction.org.
Excuse me?
East River, listen to this.
EastRiverParkAction.org.
This is this big initiative to save this park.
Are you a New York guy, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you know the East River Park?
I do.
It's, they want to knock it down.
They want to put up some kind of, I don't know what they want to do.
It's like a flood thing.
It's fucked.
Wow.
It's fucked.
It's some kind of boondoggle they're trying to do.
What, are you going to put in some cronut shops?
So, listen, just go to East River Park Action if you love New York, or the
thing that Matt
told me you should do is email.
I love giving out emails, like doxing people.
Yes.
Just give them out.
You can email Councilman Justin Brannan asking for an oversight committee about
the destruction
of the East River Park.
That's askjb at council.nyc.gov.
I'm not a New York guy, frankly.
I would be happy if it just went down in flames.
I lived there.
I did that.
Been there.
Done that.
Don't need it.
You know, it's caused so many troubles.
It's given us Donald Trump, later seasons of Saturday Night Live.
Right.
Jim Brewer.
Jim Brewer was born out of New York.
The detritus of New York.
Always the vaccine.
The vaccine.
Speaking of SNL, our question of the day is, let's hear your, this is not a
question, I
could phrase it as a question.
What are your Elon Musk SNL sketch ideas?
I know he was looking for sketch ideas.
He is hosting SNL this week.
One of our great comedy minds, Elon Musk.
I mean, I don't care that they, I mean, they should, they should be able to
have on whoever
they want.
Right?
I mean, who cares?
Right.
But it's a little weird.
Let's just say that.
It's a little weird.
It does feel like a, like a, they're taunting us a little bit.
Yeah.
It's a troll move.
It's a troll move.
It's a guy that like forced his people to go back to work during the pandemic.
You know, you know what would get us in the trades?
You know what would get us in the trades?
If we had Musk host.
Why don't we look into that?
See if you'd want to.
Okay.
I get it.
He, him and Grimes are 