Name: Neil Hamburger (guest host), Megan Koester, New York Jonathan on Office Hours Live (Ep 161 6/10/21)
Uploaded: 2021-06-10T18:44:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Neil Hamburger (guest host), Megan Koester, New York Jonathan on Office Hours Live (Ep 161 6/10/21)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Neil Hamburger (guest host), Megan Koester, New York Jonathan on Office Hours Live (Ep 161 6/10/21)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-10. Transcript available.

Neil Hamburger (guest host), Megan Koester, New York Jonathan on Office Hours Live (Ep 161 6/10/21)

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Come on! Turn it off.
All right. Please stop.
All right, everybody. Welcome to our program.
Well, it's not my program.
Stop. We did this last time, and it didn't...
It wasn't... It's rude, honestly, Doug and Vic.
Both of you will be demoted.
Stop.
Sorry, my finger slipped.
Welcome to our program.
This is the program you watched last week,
but with a twist to it this week,
which is that it's actually a different program,
I mean, different guests, and we're live again,
so it's not the exact same thing that you saw last week.
It will have some variation from the previous episode.
So that's going to be interesting.
We had a lot of great times last week, I'm told,
and we're planning on also having a lot of great times this week,
I'm told, that we need to do that
in order to keep the interest going.
Okay. You think you're so clever, let's hear one of your funny samples of
somebody saying,
so clever or so clever.
Let's hear that one.
Gee, you don't have them.
You don't have it.
I got one.
So clever.
I got one.
Here we go.
Oh, they're clever.
Oh.
Wow.
All right.
Can you do one that says,
Close enough.
Yeah.
Opportunity knocks.
Nope.
He didn't have that either.
I am the one who knocks.
Wow.
Okay.
Do you have one that says,
Breaking into four knocks.
No, I didn't ask.
Your intentions.
Can you have one that says,
Your enthusiasm is appreciated.
I didn't think so.
Calm down.
No.
Calm down.
No.
Your enthusiasm is appreciated.
No.
You see, this is.
All right.
We're going to.
This is a special.
I mean, I guess they're all special episodes.
Why?
Why?
Boom.
Okay.
Now that's rude.
Get the hell out of here,
you son of a bitch.
Okay.
Why?
Where are you getting this stuff?
I didn't say this earlier.
Vic, do you have a sound clip
that says,
Stop doing this, Doug?
I can make one.
I'll make one,
and then you can use it.
You guys can use these
on future episodes.
Yeah, go ahead.
Okay, let's build a library.
Clean audio here.
All right.
Stop doing that, Doug.
Very good.
And someone sent that to us?
Yeah.
And then here's another one.
Stop it, Vic.
And then here's another one.
No more samples, guys.
Okay, we'll add that to the...
Put that in the repertoire.
Yeah.
Okay.
So we have...
Go!
All right, we'll stop.
We'll stop for real.
Stay quiet.
It's a wonder that Tim hasn't shot himself
on the show,
having this crap go in his brain,
you know.
So we're trying to do this thing,
the show that they do.
Well, they, by they, I mean us,
which includes me this week,
but not next week,
or the week after that,
or really any week ever again.
But we will have Tim back.
See, normally this is his show,
in case you're new,
in case it's the first time you watched.
I'm not here normally.
Tim Heidecker's here.
It's his show.
But I'm here now,
and was here last week,
if you didn't understand that,
and will not be here next week.
No one will be here.
It'll just be a black wall
you'll be looking at.
And then Tim will be back
the week after that.
I don't know the exact date,
but he'll be back.
He's shooting some insurance commercials
up in Nova Scotia.
So we've got our special guests here today.
I think we have several guests,
or maybe just one guest,
Megan Keister's here,
which is good news for those
who are in need of a laugh,
as she is known to provide them.
And that's just why we asked her
to come on our show.
And yet, no post-pandemic bookings
other than this.
Well, I think that you're lucky
because these post-pandemic bookings
would usually be with these
unvaccinated marijuana comedians.
Those are the only acts
that are doing those shows,
and those people are very unpleasant.
They're worse than the old,
remember the old airline food
comedians?
No, I don't,
because I'm 14 years old,
therefore I'm still bookable
as a woman in the industry.
You don't have reruns?
Rerun?
Reruns, where they show
the old-time comics.
Oh, you mean like a rerun
like when you watch a TikTok
and then it just autoplays again?
Like that?
No, TikToks, the candy,
the little orange,
the little, they look like pills.
TikToks.
I'm on Soylent.
I don't do anything but that.
This is kind of like that.
I mean, they're little pills,
but they're candy.
TikToks.
I think that's a Tic-Tac.
Tic-Tac.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
So you-
So a pill, it's like Molly.
It'll make me enjoy Coachella.
No, these are,
this is a little candy.
I guess the kids,
I mean,
you said you're 14.
You should know this candy.
I'm 14 years old, yeah.
It's about 10 cents a package.
I don't know.
It's a plastic.
What colors do they come in?
Doug, you probably have a sound sample.
Tic-Tacs come in green.
Oh, they come in orange.
That's the one I remember.
Orange and white.
White.
Yeah.
And then the white one is the mint flavor.
Anyway,
so you had a television program
that I saw your show.
Oh, you did?
I saw your TV show.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I had an-
The last,
the last open mic
at the end of the world.
This is the longest title
since for colored girls
who have considered suicide
when the rainbow is enough.
Remember that one?
Yes.
You're 14,
but you remember that
because that show
is about 50 years old.
Well, I remember it
only because people
were talking about it online
because it used the word colored.
So it's canceled.
It's canceled.
Yeah.
Well, it wasn't so great.
Well, it was pretty good.
So your programming,
we're going to see more of these
because that was very funny.
I got at least one laugh
per 30 seconds,
which is a high-
Hey, sound off, fan squad.
I don't know.
I mean,
were they going to give me
another 15-minute show
that plays once at 12 midnight
after doing comedy
for 88 years?
Well, at least they played it.
At least when I did a show for them,
they threw it straight
in the goddamn trash.
The new big ball.
They said,
oh, this is horrible.
Goodbye.
So you're already winning
as far as I'm concerned.
I'm fucking,
I'm like Charlie Sheen, baby.
I got tiger's blood.
I got some angels.
I'm on cocaine right now.
All our guests are on cocaine.
Last week,
it was the same thing.
So they aired the program.
They aired the program.
And they sent you the check.
In a way, yeah.
And you had a big cast, though,
so you had to split that one up.
That was a cast of 100.
Yeah, right.
A lot of, yeah,
a lot of clowners, yeah.
So these,
on this program,
if you haven't seen it,
you gotta see it.
You gotta get a TV
and watch this thing.
It's on YouTube
if you wanna like, yeah,
watch it and comment
and say that I look
like a cunt or whatever.
Well, don't do that
because you'll get blocked.
By whom?
I don't know.
By the YouTube, I guess.
I know.
I think YouTube encourages that.
You cunt.
See?
I think he probably
ripped that from YouTube.
So you don't have anything
about Tic Tacs,
but you got that?
What kind of a...
You're a fucking cunt.
Neil, I have a question for you.
Do you have any,
or both,
either of you have any
airline food jokes?
Okay.
Yeah.
What's your worst
plate of airline
airline food?
What?
The one on
Continental Airlines.
It's a Continental
Breakfast.
So it's...
What about like a...
How old am I?
I'm so old
I remember airline food.
Now that's a good one.
How about that?
Because they don't
give you food anymore.
But I'll tell you,
these are both funnier
than the marijuana guys
that just get out
and, you know,
now this stuff's legal.
It's nothing...
It's not funny anymore.
You bought a product.
You took the product.
Get off the stage.
I don't want to hear about this.
But the thing is,
when you use marijuana
and then you leave your apartment
and you go to a secondary location,
it's confusing and disorienting.
And that breeds comedy.
Smoke weed.
So they went to Denny's
or something
at two in the morning
and they ordered
too many French fries.
I've seen these guys
tell the joke.
It's not funny.
I mean,
I'd really rather hear
these airline guys
because the airline joke,
the airline food joke,
you had that for about
three to five years,
I think.
And then everybody said,
oh, this is getting old.
There's nothing
to bring to this.
And now these guys,
they're doing the same,
the marijuana thing.
I got so hungry.
I ate a package of,
you know,
ding-dongs,
what have you.
They're doing this
for 20 years.
I'm hearing the same thing.
Well, that's still better than it.
Remember,
there was a while
where like the popular premise
amongst straight dudes
was like,
I'm not gay,
but,
you know what I mean?
I've heard that.
Like the punchline is like,
how absurd would it be
if I sucked a dick?
Yeah,
those are the same people
that did the marijuana guys.
That's what they were doing
before that.
That's true.
I guess I don't host
an open mic anymore.
Other than for 15-minute spans
on television.
On television?
Once.
In a warehouse.
In a warehouse.
Quite frankly,
the program was shot
in a warehouse.
It was shot in a warehouse.
That must be expensive
to buy a warehouse
to shoot a program in.
Well,
we went to Beirut.
Oh, okay.
We shot it in Beirut.
With a local crew.
Yeah.
Non-union.
Proudly non-union.
When you had all these people
telling their jokes
in their car,
how long did they,
I mean,
did you make these people
do a five-hour set
and then you take
ten seconds of it?
Everybody did three minutes
open mic style,
traditional Los Angeles
open mic length of set.
And were there any car accidents
or fender benders?
Not to my knowledge,
but I was also pretty
coked up at the time.
Okay.
I'm always on cocaine.
So you're one of the cocaine comedians.
Being on television once
at midnight
has gone to my head.
Right.
Yeah.
So you're a cocaine comedian.
Comedienne.
Comedienne, yeah.
N-N-E.
Rock cocaine.
What about LSD?
Lick sucking dick?
No, it's liquefied...
Doug, play the LSD.
I know you have a lot
of these LSD sounds.
Hi, hi, hi.
What?
There it is.
Something like that.
That's what it feels like.
That's LSD for you.
Awful.
Wow.
What a depressing
lifestyle it is, huh?
All right.
We have to do
this city of the day thing.
Every time I come here,
I'm told you've got to do
this city of the day.
We'll get back to our interview.
Don't worry.
We just are warming things up.
Hey, I appreciate it.
The city of the day.
Do what you got to do.
Do the housekeeping.
I get it.
Well, I do literally
have to do this.
I got nowhere else to go.
I'm unemployable.
I'll be here.
I'll talk in the night.
Because we shoot this
at midnight tonight
before we air it.
Okay, the city of the day.
Do we have one of these
Zoomers, you call it?
That's degrading
to call someone a Zoomer.
Some stupid product
and that becomes
who they are.
I'm a Zoomer.
Some shitty product
and you become a Zoomer.
Can't you call them the gang?
Let's hear from the gang.
Let's hear from the peanut gallery,
not the Zoomers.
We could do that.
Have some self-respect.
I like that idea, you know.
I'm into that.
The gang or the peanut gallery?
Yeah, we don't need
to keep promoting Zoom.
Well, we do have to hear
from our sponsor, however.
Okay.
Our sponsor today,
well, we're not going to hear
from the Zoomer.
Sorry.
No, they have nothing.
Then we'll go to the Zoomer.
The gang has nothing to do.
Okay.
Then we'll go to the gang.
Well, they did submit
some material,
but it didn't meet
the standard.
Well, we'll get to that next.
All right.
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