Name: Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 2 7/23/21)
Uploaded: 2021-07-24T02:45:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 2 7/23/21)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 2 7/23/21)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-24. Transcript available.

Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 2 7/23/21)

*music*
*music*
*music*
All right, as the music is fading down, I believe that means we're on.
There's Slice. Here's me. Can you guys hear me? You know, this is, listen, this
is show two.
For those that have listened before, this is our second time doing it.
And, you know, we had a lot of working out the kinks first time, a lot of tech
diffs, technical difficulty.
We might have that this time because this is the deal.
You'd think like show number two, they got things worked out a little better,
and that's probably the case.
But I'm actually not even in New York. I'm in Atlanta at this just absolutely
perfectly fine Airbnb.
It's nice. It's clean. It's very modern. It's definitely, it's decorated like a
Crate and Barrel or a CB2 showroom, you know, on the floor with some, you know,
I've got this really great, you know, it's like all the art is like a lot of
daily affirmations.
Like, you know, you know, keep on, you know, believe in yourself or it's not
that lame, but it's just, you know, what's one of the things here.
We go, you know, every day is a fresh start. And that's true. And I don't want
to be a cynical asshole.
And it's actually helped me a little bit, you know, as I've been out of town,
away from my family, you know, COVID craziness.
So it's a nice reminder every day when I'm like, oh, you know what? Every day
is a fresh start.
And then there's this really great, you know, Parisian setting with the red
umbrella, you know, for what, you know, anyway, I don't want to, I'm, I'm too
cynical for this world, but so it's great. It's perfectly good.
So, yes. And then you can see my microphone. I actually brought my mic to
Atlanta.
Listen, I'm a working actor, you know, a voice job could come out of nowhere. I
want to be prepared in case I have to do it from here with my laptop.
And I'm going to assume you all can hear me because no one's told me or texted
me like, hey, we can't hear you because that's why I have the string tied
around my mic is because of the cord, which is kind of right there.
It's a little loose. So I did a little, you know, I had this in my backpack
because I just like to have shit in my backpack. I like to be prepared.
And I've got a lot of just like string and carabiners and I wish I had an Allen
wrench because the mic stand, it's a little loose. Anyway, I was very happy
that I had this string to rig up the cord. But listen, it may come loose. We'll
find out. Anyway, here we are show number two. Thanks to whoever's.
So I'll just ask Smokey Tori, how are we how we looking? How are we sounding so
far?
We are sounding good. We're.
Tori is telling me we're sounding good. I don't know if you can hear it. Can
they hear you, Tori?
Yeah, they can hear me. Oh, they can. Great. That's even more exciting. I think
that's better. So we're looking good. We're sounding good. Yeah.
Well, we're sounding good. We're we're we're looking at the video. You might
your Wi Fi might be a little funky.
The problem here could be the Airbnb could be the Airbnb. This is this could be
some some tech dips all night. This could be rough.
Wait, why is my computer?
Well, set this charging. Oh, so is is there a lag? Is it slow? What's the
problem? Tell me. Talk to me, Tori.
Finding out, finding out. We're not seeing it here and they're seeing it out in
L.A. They're going to tell us.
OK, should I? I'll just keep talking. You got to fill the day. You got to fill
the time. Yeah, yeah. Slice, how are you?
Yeah, John, I was I was thinking about this. I wanted to bring this up. I have
a new I have a new slogan.
Really? Now, for those people from the first week, probably, you know what we
had a lot. Right. Crest got hurt.
What else did we have? Slice deep in a woodchuck hole. Slice deep in a woodchuck
hole. Just slice deep.
In a woodchuck hole. In a woodchuck hole. And there wasn't there one like, you
know, I can't I'm trying to like, you're a real pain in the crust like that was
one.
Oh yeah, that was another one. But I have a new one. I have a new one. Let's
hear it slice.
OK, I was thinking, you know, this is Office Hours East. I was thinking, I want
to be a slice of it. New York, New York.
I love it. Slice. I want to be a slice of it.
You know, we should start a campaign to change New York's unofficial or
official mascot from the Big Apple to the big slice. I mean, that's more apropos
for New York City. Right. The big slice.
Yeah, that's going to be some some merch that we can sell the big slice.
Yeah. Yeah. Hey, did I ever tell you about my trip to Washington, D.C.?
No. And I absolutely want to hear about it. And I know the audience does,
because I got to tell you, Slice, hands down, Slice was the breakout star of
episode one of Office Hours East.
There's no question about it. That means a lot. That means a lot. But I can say
I'll speak for the audience to say, yes, we absolutely want to hear about your
trip to D.C.
OK, I went to Washington, D.C., and this was right around the time of the
sniper. So we're trying to be careful and stressful.
Yeah. Yeah. But I had a piece of pizza. It was so big.
Really? So you were eating a piece of pizza?
Yeah, kind of. It's kind of like what happens in D.C. stays in D.C.
Gotcha. Yeah. But it's called a jumbo slice.
A jumbo slice. Now, do other slices frown upon that, like a slice eating a
slice?
It's kind of like pigeon rules. Pigeons can eat chicken. Pigeons can eat other
pigeons. It's no big deal.
Really? You know, you just got to get through the day. Every day is a fresh
start.
Listen, every day is a fresh start, even for a slice.
Let me see that thing again.
Yeah, hold on.
Let me see it.
Every day is a fresh start.
Yeah.
Now, you know, every day is a fresh slice.
Oh, OK.
Let's see if I can maybe, if I get it right there, you can kind of see it.
Yeah, you can kind of see it.
Yeah, maybe is it better.
There you go.
And I can kind of just do a little bit of that.
And then it's just going to be ever present in the background of the shop.
There we go.
Every day is a fresh start.
I want to be part of it.
I want to be part of it.
I want to be part of it.
I want to be part of it.
I want to be part of it.
New York.
New slice.
New York.
New slice.
Fresh start.
Fresh start.
Fresh slice.
Now, Slice, I wanted to ask you, I got to say, one of the joys about, for me,
being on the road when I'm working down here in Atlanta or anywhere is, you
know, I don't love being away from my family for too long.
The first week it's like, fuck yeah, party time, I'm going to go hard, I'm
going to work and have fun and just whatever on my days off.
Then it's like, all right, I'm done.
I'm ready to go home.
I want to just snuggle with my kids.
But one thing I'm very thankful for is catching up on sleep.
I've been sleeping in like crazy, getting like over eight hours a night, like
nine, 10 hours.
What are the hours?
When do you start?
When do you stop?
You know, probably going to bed around midnight, you know, and it's a lot of,
there's a little bit of just downtime in bed, playing some of the New York.
Times, the spelling bee game where you can get the pangram, you know, that game.
I'm a big fan of spelling bee.
Oh, I got to tell you something.
I got to tell you something about spelling bee.
I got to tell you something.
It's going to rock your world.
Okay.
You know that you can get genius with spelling bee, right?
You know that level.
I do.
I'm familiar with that level because I get it a lot.
Okay.
Okay.
But let me just tell you this.
There's another level they don't talk about.
Is it if you get every single word?
If you get every single word, you know what it's called?
Super genius.
No, it's called queen bee.
But I think that that is a really big goal for people, you know, for people
everywhere.
Like, fuck yeah.
That's like off the menu shit, right?
Like, you don't know.
They don't advertise queen bee.
Oh, is that really?
And so does it come up?
If folks watching aren't familiar, this is an app.
It's part of the New York Times crossword.
It's a game called spelling bee.
And it's like, it's almost looks like a, like a honeycomb the way they design
it.
Would you say that's an accurate description slice?
Yeah.
Like a honeycomb.
Yeah.
It looks like a honeycomb.
And it's one letter in the middle surrounded by, I think, six other letters.
And every word has to contain the middle letter.
And it has to be at least four letters.
And then there's various levels.
It's like, you know, nice.
Good.
You're doing great.
Amazing.
And then amazing is the one below genius.
And now I'm hearing about this queen bee.
And I, and I've like, you know, there's times where I'll hit genius.
And then I just take my foot off the gas.
And it's like, I'm good.
Of course.
Pull over.
Look at the scenery.
Yeah.
I mean, there's probably more words, but I'm good.
And then once I get to the point where I'm just like making shit up, I'd stop
playing.
But now that I know.
Wow.
Fucking queen bee.
I love it.
Yeah.
You know that a Thurston Moore song, Queen Bee and her pals.
That's a really obnoxious, like reference to throw out there, but it just made
me think
of it.
It's a great song from a solo.
What kind of band?
You know, Thurston Moore from Sonic Youth.
Oh yeah.
It's kind of Sonic Youthy, you know, but it's a really good album.
I think it's called something hearts like paper.
I don't know, but it's a, check it out.
I'm thinking about starting a band.
Really?
Yeah.
I would love, would you be, what would you play an instrument?
Would you be the, the, the lead singer?
What would you, what's your deal?
I would play drums.
Really?
How would that?
I mean, how would, how would a slice of pizza play drum slice?
Crust.
With the, so would the crust kind of like peel off and then like, this is here,
this is going
to be painful.
This is the, this is me.
This is you.
I'm going to slice.
This is the tip of the slice.
Here's the crust.
Yeah.
So would the crust come off and then bang the drum?
I got to say that's real.
That is really actually that that's, I, the fact that you're even saying that
makes me think
you don't know anything about pizza.
Okay.
So basically what happens?
Wow.
Basically what happens?
You're going to drum.
Okay.
Well, maybe I, you know what?
Maybe I don't know anything about pizza.
All I can say is I want to be a part of it.
New crust, new crust.
Okay.
So here's what they do.
Okay.
If you're going to drum with pizza, what you do is you turn on your head and
you bang it
with the side of the crust, the hardest part of your pizza body.
Wow.
Yeah.
And so you're, is it like a snake?
You can just kind of like make your body move.
Yeah.
I got bones in here.
What?
Yeah.
That's why people don't eat the crust because it's got bones in it.
I love the crust.
Maybe that means I love bones.
Yeah.
That's where the pizza bones are.
If I were to dip my pizza crust in soup, would that be akin to having bone
broth?
Yeah.
That's exactly what bone broth is in my family.
Now slice.
Let me ask you this too.
Cause when, when I was, you know, when I was been enjoying all my sleep here, I
was wondering,
do you sleep?
Do you sleep?
Like does, do slices of pizza sleep?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Right now my eyes are open as you can see.
Right.
I mean, I can't, I'm, I don't, I didn't even know you had eyes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
And then right now my eyes are closed.
Okay.
I don't, but I'm going to take your, I'm going to take your word for it slice.
Okay.
Yeah.
I sleep, I sleep about two and a half hours a night, but I mean, you know, I'm
a vigilante,
so I got a lot of stuff to do.
You're a vigilante.
Let's back that up slice.
You knew this, you knew this about me.
Slice is something.
I really didn't know if we were going to talk about that, but yeah, I did know
about that.
Yeah.
I'm just trying to play dumb so I don't get you in trouble, but if you're okay
talking about
it.
I'm okay talking about it.
And so tell, how many people have you apprehended or even dare I ask killed?
Yeah, I killed a few.
I mean, you just got to protect the knots.
You 