Name: Office Hours East with New York Jonathan & Nick Offerman (Ep 3 8/27/21)
Uploaded: 2021-08-28T02:48:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours East with New York Jonathan & Nick Offerman (Ep 3 8/27/21)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours East with New York Jonathan & Nick Offerman (Ep 3 8/27/21)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-28. Transcript available.

Office Hours East with New York Jonathan & Nick Offerman (Ep 3 8/27/21)

We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
All right.
Welcome to Office Hours East.
I'm not looking at you.
I'm looking kind of at our monitor because as you can see, we got a wide shot
going on.
And I'm sure all the eagle-eyed slice heads out there have noticed that that's
not a slice of pizza in the normal spot that slice is.
And that is because we had, within the last two hours, like really last minute,
we got an emergency text from Slice saying that his dog was sick and he was not
feeling really good about leaving the dog alone.
And, you know, Tori, my producer, and I were like, Slice, whatever you got to
do, take care of that dog.
That's priority one.
The show is like priority 10.
And so Slice stayed home.
We did talk to Slice, and we're actually going to call Slice.
We're going to call Slice in just a moment and find out what's up with the dog
at the latest.
We had touched base with Slice just a little before the show, and it sounded
like the dog was back to, like, its personality and playing with the ball and
toys.
But we'll catch up with Slice.
But anyway, Slice called his good friend football, and that's who's joining us
tonight.
And we're really, so football, I really want to thank you very much for joining
us.
It's absolutely my pleasure.
Thanks for having me.
Yeah, well, it's great that you were just available.
It's great that you were close enough just to get here.
I'm just a stone throws away.
Excellent.
I guess you could, I'm glad you didn't go with the football analogy.
I'm glad you didn't say, like, I'm a, you know, I'm like a, I'm a 50-yard bomb
away.
I guess that's not really a bomb, but that's a good throw.
But anyway, stones throw.
No, yeah, that we don't throw footballs, you know, footballs throw around
stones.
Got it.
Got it.
Right.
So you don't, you wouldn't, you don't, unless you're, like, roughhousing with
each other, and then you might throw one of yourselves around.
Do you fraternize with other footballs?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do a lot of pigskin versus shirt pig.
Oh, I see.
So that's, like, your version of shirts and skins, I guess?
Oh, you guys do that?
Yeah.
That's what we humans do.
Oh, okay, cool.
Like, so if, if, let's just say there's a group of humans and, you know, not
everyone's wearing, you know, some teams might wear, you know, you might, if it's
organized, you might say half of you bring white, everyone bring a white shirt
or a light color and everyone bring a dark color.
And then you can do, like, white versus colors, like, if everyone doesn't have,
like, all blue or all red, it can be the darker colors and then the white
shirts.
But if you don't, or if it's hot, you might just take shirts off, and then it's
shirts and skins.
Yeah, so you guys don't have an issue with that, given your history as
Americans.
What do you mean?
Just whites against colored people.
Oh, I see.
No, it's not that.
It's not, like, a racial thing.
It's just the colors of the shirts.
I guess the way I phrased it sounds, it sounded a little worse than it is,
whites versus colors.
That's not what I meant.
Because you even then specified dark colors.
Well, because it's to get, it's to get further away, you know, like, rather
than wear a yellow shirt, wear, like, a dark green or dark blue or red.
No, I get it.
I don't know.
I'm sorry.
Just, you know, just trying to be a little bit more aware.
No, I think you're not wrong to call that out and make sure that it's not
something it isn't, especially in these, you know, racially charged times.
We have to be very careful about the words we choose, and, you know, that's not
what I meant at all.
And if that's how it came across to anybody, that's, it wasn't that at all.
It was more just, you know, white shirts, and then, I was going to say it again,
and then whites and color.
It's just, you can't get around how awful it sounds.
We do a, we do a pig shirts versus pig skin.
Got it.
Shirt pigs.
Well, let me, let's say, let's do this football.
Let's actually call Slice, because I know there's probably a lot of the, listen,
in football, I'm not sure if you've seen the shows, but we've only done two.
This is Office Hours East number three, live from New York, and, oh, I guess I,
should I give them the phone call, the phone number, Tori?
It's 818-804-4478.
We're going to take calls soon.
There it is right there.
Call the studio hotline at 818-804-4478.
Let's just call Slice right now.
I feel like this is too much for the fans, because I know there's a lot of
concern out there right away.
I'm sure people right away, before I even mention it, were like, uh, what the
fuck?
Where is Slice?
So, let's get Slice on the phone if we can, Tori.
Slice, are you there?
Slice, can you hear us?
Hello, Slice?
No, I'm not hearing Slice.
If anyone else is.
Oh, we just had him.
We just had him.
We just had Slice on the line.
It's okay, we'll figure out this tech diff.
We had a bunch last show when I was down in Atlanta.
We'll talk about that in a little bit, too.
But, you know, that's just part of Office Hours East.
You know, it's New York style.
It's East Coast.
It's gritty.
You know, we kind of like.
Yeah, we fuck things up in New York.
Yeah, and we're not afraid to, we own it.
So, you know, we have our tech diffs.
Also, it's super fucking hot in New York, and it's really hot in this basement
where we are.
We had a fan going.
And Tori, just interrupt me any time we get Slice.
Yeah, Slice, can you hear us?
Slice?
Slice, are you there?
Oh, Jesus.
Hello?
Slice?
No, I'm just worried that it's not a tech diff, that something's wrong with the
dog.
Yeah, I gotta say.
I'm really nervous.
It's not going to comfort the Slice heads knowing that there's a sick dog
involved.
A sick dog, and is Slice okay?
Like, how nervous is Slice?
Yeah.
You know, I'm just curious.
Oh, God.
Because now I'm just like, is Slice, how is Slice's mental state?
And so how do you, if you don't mind me asking football, how do you and Slice
know each other?
Oh, well, you know, like, just historically, just for generations, pizza and
football has gone along, you know, like gangbusters.
Got it.
Yeah, so, like, you know, everybody thinks wings and, like, dip.
Right.
But pizza, pizzas, you know, they've always been for it.
Sure, it's all part of the same.
Yeah.
Well, it's nice to hear about.
This is like, you know, it's almost like, I mean, I guess you could call it in
some ways an odd couple, or maybe you guys are like Frog and Toad, you know,
that classic children's book.
Or maybe you don't highly recommended, by the way, for any of our, if any of
our listeners have kids, you got to check out.
And even if you don't check out Frog and Toad, it's a really super funny.
Adults would love it.
I love it.
My kids love it.
But I'd love to see maybe football and Slice.
Are they, is one of them in, like, a three-piece suit?
Am I remembering that right?
With, like, a vest?
That's, I think, Grasshopper.
Same illustrator, writer.
Oh, man, I'm seeing a lot of panic behind the camera when we don't have Slice.
Like, oh, my God, guys, what is going on?
We got to get Slice on the phone.
I mean, now I'm just genuinely curious, like, what's, is it really okay with
the dog?
I might have to, I might have to text Slice and say, are you okay?
What's the dog's name?
What's the dog look like?
Yeah, this feels like a little bit beyond, like, New York.
Hey, I'm walking here.
No, we never pushed, I mean, that to me is an inherent attitude that, you know,
it's, we don't, we don't feel the need to overcompensate on Office Hours East.
We just, you know, we just embody it.
You know, if you, you know, we don't protest too much or, you know, who thinks,
thou, whatever the Shakespeare phrase is.
I don't even know if you know what Shakespeare is.
Oh, yeah, no, absolutely.
Okay, so you're a pretty smart, intelligent football.
I mean, Shakespeare is just part of language.
You've invented language, really.
You think, so you think Shakespeare invented language?
Well, he definitely invented some phrases.
Well, sure.
That's a different, though, than language.
Oh, yeah, no, that, yeah, no, you're right.
That's a good point.
I know I'm right.
I'm New York Jonathan.
All right.
Fucking throwing, now I'm going to throw, I see, you pick and choose your
moments when you're going to throw the attitude around.
Yeah, yeah, you throw it with Shakespeare.
Guys, how are we doing?
What the fuck's going on, guys?
Let's get Slice on the phone.
We can also move on and catch up later with Slice, whenever that happens.
Here's one thing.
Let's just move on, and once we get Slice, just cut me off any time, okay?
Let's, why don't we go to our, yeah, our next thing for a minute.
Yeah, that's what I just said.
Yes.
Literally what I just said, Tori.
You didn't need to have your voice heard on the microphone.
Okay, but can I just have my voice?
Jesus, what a fucking annoying move.
What a dick.
Oh, yeah, let's go to the next thing.
Like, I just, Jesus fucking Christ, Tori.
I have so much respect for you, but not in that moment.
New York, Jonathan, it's kind of like you're being like, hey, I'm talking here.
Listen, sometimes I'm going to flex the muscle.
It's as need be.
All right?
I'm not going to not do it.
I just don't feel the need to, unless I have to, and right there, I felt like I
had to.
I hear you.
Tori was coming in strong.
Coming in hot.
Sorry about that.
You know, even right there.
Apologize when the show's done.
Wow, that was weird.
Jesus Christ.
A lot of fucking nerve.
That was way out of line.
Really trying to get himself into the show a lot more.
You know, before it was like seamless, organic.
Like, you know, it's like you pepper it in there.
You don't put too much pepper.
You don't dump the whole thing.
You're just like, you know, whatever.
You want to do a grater.
You want to do a sprinkler.
Just a little bit.
Okay?
You're pepper.
You're the pepper of the show, Tori.
Oh, goddammit, Tori.
Anyway, so, yeah.
So, I was in Atlanta last month.
I got stuck there for a job.
Hotlanta.
Hotlanta.
Although, it's fucking hot here in New York.
But, I got stuck there for a job.
And, there was a lot of, like, COVID shutdowns.
And, it wasn't too bad.
Like, I made the most of it.
I made the best of it.
I just, like, slept a lot.
Rested.
Took it easy.
And, it was great that we were able to make it work.
And, one thing I was actually going to talk to Slice about.
I was actually going to ask Slice about pets.
Because, what happened.
One thing that happened when I got back from Atlanta.
Back to New York.
My family and I.
We had moved.
So, I was coming.
I left one apartment.
When I was left for Atlanta.
And, when I came back, went to a new apartment.
And, also, we got a dog.
That was the reason we moved.
Because, our old landlord.
Nice guy.
Okay.
Good guy.
A little just anal and uptight and annoying.
Gave us a rent concession during the pandemic.
He was a good guy.
But, wouldn't let us get a dog.
Even though.
Listen to this bullshit football.
Even though he had allowed a dog in the building.
There was a dog in the building when we moved in.
Right?
And, so, then, those people moved out a year after we moved in.
This was two summers ago.
And, they moved because of the way they were a young couple.
They had just had a baby in April, I think.
Or, no.
It was in the middle of the pandemic.
They had their kid.
Oh, that's rough.
And, very stressful.
And, she's got some immune compromised issues.
So, they moved.
The new neighbors move in.
They've got a dog.
So, now, we're thinking, oh, dogs are okay.
We had put our old dog down seven years ago.
Because of the landlord?
Because of the, I mean, the previous landlord?
Oh, right, right.
Because you'd only been there a few years.
Yeah.
We had an old dog.
We put that dog down when she was, sadly, very sick.
And, so, we were on a pet break.
We were on a pet hiatus.
My wife and I.
We had pets for years.
I had cats for 17 years.
Never again.
I don't know how you feel about cats, football.
You know, I don