Name: OHL presents THE OFFIES 2021 w/ Johnny Carson & Jerry Paper (Ep 173 9/9/2021)
Uploaded: 2021-09-09T19:16:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'OHL presents THE OFFIES 2021 w/ Johnny Carson & Jerry Paper (Ep 173 9/9/2021)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'OHL presents THE OFFIES 2021 w/ Johnny Carson & Jerry Paper (Ep 173 9/9/2021)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-09. Transcript available.

OHL presents THE OFFIES 2021 w/ Johnny Carson & Jerry Paper (Ep 173 9/9/2021)

*music*
All righty, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls from across the world, welcome
to the 2021 Off-Ease Ceremony.
Thank you. Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, it's good to be here. We
have got a tremendous show planned for you today.
Damn horn out of my head. That is awful. That is a seasick inducing experience.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show. What a downer.
What a downer it is to begin this year's Off-Ease. A lot of great nominees out
there. It's been a great year. I want to welcome DJ Doug Pound.
Thank you, Tim. Great to be here. Yup, for anything this year, Doug? I didn't
look at the nominees.
The pounding.
Uh, yeah, I mean, uh... Do you do your own The Poundings?
What's that? Do you do your own The Poundings drops?
The Pounding? Yes, he does.
Doug.
The Pounding.
You know, it's a bummer that that drop didn't get nominated, but, you know?
You are up for it.
You know, I don't think I'm going to win a best drop today, Tim.
We'll see.
We'll see.
T, because, uh, pretty much they're all Vicks.
They are. I noticed that.
You've had a tremendous year, Vic. I want to welcome to the show Vic Berger
here.
Thank you, thank you.
Vic Berger, dressed to the nines.
I went in the closet and got the nicest things I own.
You would not be out of place walking down Main Street in Disneyland, would you?
That's right. I'm ready to start singing.
Getting a lollipop.
We have a tremendous show, producer Matt. Thank you for organizing this.
You've done a tremendous job. People are starting to warm up to you.
Took some time, but we're getting there.
There's a new podcast you put together for the Patreon.
Yes. It's quite enjoyable.
Let me say, folks, we're going to do some offies today.
We're going to have some fun. We're going to take your calls, relax.
Sit back and relax and have your ssss.
Sit back and relax and pour yourself a cup of Three Stooges, Three Stogies
coffee, actually.
Um...
Sit back and relax. Enjoy yourselves a cup of Three Stooges coffee.
And enjoy the show.
Thank you for that, Vic.
Uh-huh.
Um...
What did I want to say?
I want to take issue with them saying that it's all...
I'm looking at the nominees. There's...
Doug is well represented.
I consider...
I'm just in the drop category.
Let me tell you!
Yeah, I am kind of cleaning up there.
Yeah, I am kind of cleaning up there.
Some sort of a tumbo yours.
Quiet, everybody.
Quiet.
I have something to say about that.
Everyone's chiming in.
I want to say, in all sincerity...
Doug.
I am very removed from the offies process.
This is a process that happens between...
producer Matt and the patrons.
So, mostly, I think it's all patrons that are voting now at this point.
That is the Academy.
Only patrons.
The Academy is the patrons.
If you feel like something hasn't been represented, if something has been
robbed, then you have the power of your vote.
But you've got to be a patron.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
What?
Without further ado, let us begin the show.
Let us begin the show with my co-host, ladies and gentlemen.
Directly from hell.
My name!
Here's...
Johnny!
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yes, directly from hell.
It's me, Johnny Carson.
Welcome to the offies.
The Office Hours Award Show.
Wow!
I haven't seen this many nerds in one place since the line for William Shatner's
autograph at Biscataway Con.
Biscataway Con.
Thank you, Ed.
You know, my previous award hosting duties were for the Oscars.
That was always exciting.
You know, every spring, LA gets hit with Oscar fever.
Do you feel it?
Oscar fever every spring.
Yeah.
At the offies, we have a slightly different effect on the town.
It's not so much a fever as a post-nasal drip.
Whoa!
Leading our band tonight is Jerry Paper.
Jerry Paper.
Filling in for Doc Severinsen.
Jerry's gone solo.
Yeah, they're no longer with rock and scissors.
Oh!
You know, those drops are annoying.
But you know what's really annoying?
I've been getting a lot of phone calls from scam artists.
Have you had this experience, Ed?
Yes.
Scam artists trying to sell me really dumb ideas.
And those are just the calls from Phil Braun.
Oh!
No, no.
We love Uncle Phil.
Phil.
And now, of course, he's nominated today, of course.
It's fitting his name is Phil because his head is filled with pudding.
Oh!
That joke was given to me by Jimmy Fallon.
Okay.
And he was glad to get rid of it.
President Biden is in the news.
Yeah, apparently his approval rating is plummeting.
It's really down there.
Have you noticed this?
Come on, man.
Yeah, his numbers are almost as low as when Rene Fabergé appeared on this show.
Oh!
That's true.
That's...
It's not funny.
No.
But it's true.
No.
Not funny.
Not funny at all.
Not funny.
Oh, come on.
Offy nominee.
Well, this will make you feel better.
Offy nominee Neil Hamburger is also in the news.
Yeah.
Did you hear about this?
Apparently he was performing at Cracker Barrel and they asked him to put on a
mask during
his act.
Guess they didn't like what was coming out of his mouth or his face for that
matter.
But we're rooting for him.
Neil is a nominee for best guest host.
And you know, Neil's been in the business a long time.
And these days he's trying to appeal to younger audiences.
He's actually changed his name to Neil Impossible Burger.
Oh!
Red meat is out.
Red meat is out.
Yes, sir.
But you know, we kid Neil Hamburger about his name, but he really is that rare
performer
whose work in the medium is really well done.
That's very subtle humor.
That's that anti-comedy that you've heard so much about.
Yes.
But you know, as you know, when I host the Oscars, at the Oscars, the winners
are tabulated
by the accounting firm of Price Waterhouse.
We do things a little differently here at Office Hours.
We can't afford a big accounting firm.
So the names of the nominees are put into Vic Berger's pants.
DJ Doug Pound lays down some sick beats.
I'm ready to make the crepe.
I'm ready to make the crepe.
Twerks out the winners.
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, start again.
Oh, you got a drop in the middle of my joke.
Come on, guys.
The nominees are put into Vic Berger's pants.
No drops.
DJ Doug Pound lays down some sick drops and Vic twerks out the winners.
Oh!
What else is in the news?
You know, I've been loading up on Ivermectin.
Have you heard about this?
Ivermectin!
It's a horcity warning medicine that people who refuse to take the COVID
vaccine are taking
because they believe it prevents them from catching the virus.
Personally, I'm vaccinated, so there's no worries there.
But I am taking Ivermectin because I'm up for the lead role in the reboot of Mr.
Ed.
Oh!
Which is not a biopic about Ed McMahon, by the way.
Oh!
Hey, how about this Joe Rogan?
Huh?
We love Joe Rogan, don't we?
Let's hear it for him.
Yeah, he's been injecting Ivermectin, as they say.
He's also-
Ivermectin!
Ivermectin.
You know what else he's into?
He's into sensory deprivation tests.
You ever try one of those?
No, sir.
No.
Well, it's interesting.
Jerry told me that Joe Rogan is allegedly friends with a lot of sex pests.
Is that really true, Jerry?
Of course.
How would you know that?
No.
Maybe he saw something on the internet.
Well, maybe Spotify can help him buy a sense accumulation tank for him to sit
and help him gain
a little better sense.
I have brain damage.
While he's choosing his friends.
That's a sincere thought.
Again, it's not funny, but it's a thought.
Not funny at all.
Hey, tell me this, Doc.
What does Joe Rogan do when it says to her to pass out the cards at poker night?
What?
Yeah.
He'll Delia them in.
Delia.
Delia.
Delia.
Delia.
That's right.
Joe Rogan.
You can Google him.
Joe Rogan supports the Chris Delias and his sexual escapades.
That's what they say.
That's what they say.
You know, speaking of the Oscars, have you seen this?
I don't know if you've seen this, Tim.
There's a meme making the rounds of Oscar Isaac kissing Jessica Chastain's arm
at the Venice
Film Festival.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's true.
It's the most controversial red carpet moment since the premiere of Tim and
Eric's billion-dollar
movie.
When Robert Loja licked Eric Wareheim's kneecaps.
That's a true story.
You can look that up on the YouTube.
No, but Tim Heidegger's my co-host tonight.
Tim's into that random humor.
Where you just say crazy stuff like free real estate, for your health.
Go get the mints.
Remember that one?
Yeah, yeah.
Can you bring my words back?
Yeah, those are also the top three things that Ed McMahon says during sex.
Oh!
Okay.
Ed's down in the...
You know, it's actually very exciting.
Randy Newman is the nominee for best phone call.
Randy Newman.
Of course, he wrote the very controversial song Short People, which, this is
interesting,
was the subject of the defamation lawsuit led by Mickey Rooney, Tom Cruise, DJ
Doug Pound,
and the kid from Webster.
You'll know what happened in that lawsuit.
Have you heard about that?
Now, this is a great setup you have here.
This reminds me of my early days at KNXT in L.A.
But things are very different in broadcasting since I started out.
Office Hours operates under a new paradigm.
They don't have sponsors.
They do crowdfunding.
Have you heard of this?
Crowdfunding.
Yeah.
It's the latest thing where you have a subscription service where the audience
funds the show.
It's wild.
Yeah.
I've actually got my own...
It's wild.
I have my own subscription service.
I've had it for years.
In my case, I send money to the subscribers.
Yeah.
It's called alimony.
Whoa!
Because I've had a lot of ex-wives.
There's no more words on my screen, so I think we're going to move on to the
next segment.
Can you play us out?
All right.
Let's hear it.
Jerry?
Let's hear it for Johnny Carson, everybody.
Thank you.
I'll be right here.
Yeah, yeah.
Johnny, let me ask you.
Thank you for doing this, by the way.
Tremendous to see you.
You're a legend.
You've been in hell for how many years now?
I think it's been about 15 to 20.
The underworld.
We call it the underworld.
I see.
Do you have a sense of time down there, or is it hard to track it?
It is a little hard to track.
It is a little hard to track.
I wear a Rolex, and I do have a stage manager down there, like I did.
A fellow named Jerry Epstein, who keeps me in line.
Jerry Epstein?
Yeah, yeah.
No relation to any Jerry Epstein.
Not Jeffrey Epstein?
No, no.
Far from it.
No.
Second cousin twice removed.
I see.
He's down there as well.
Oh dear.
Now, I've been with Ed since I started at KNXT, a local station in LA, doing a
show called
Carson Cellar, which was kind of like this, kind of a low-budget sketch show.
Sounds like you've been checking out your own Wikipedia.
I have.
It's a very interesting story.
Yes.
From Nebraska.
Well, listen.
Let's get it started.
You're going to be reading the nominees, but I understand also you have your
own Tonight Show
Down in Hell that starts at 10:30 a.m.
Pacific?
Yeah, 11:30 a.m.
11:30 a.m.
So, yes, I have a hard out.
Mm.
We have a very special show tonight.
We're going to have, if anyone's in the underworld, it'll be Michael Landon, Loretta
Switt, and the late Tommy Lasorda.
Tommy's also in the underworld.
Fallen Hell.
Oh, terrible news.
Yes, yes.
We thought some of them might have gone up to heaven, but I guess not.
No, no, basically everybody in show business goes to the underworld.
Oh.
Hey, folks, welcome.
Terrific.
Thank you.
And so let's get it started with an offie.
Let's get it started.
And you introduced Jerry Paper, correct?
I certainly did.
With a joke, but not a proper introduction.
Jerry, thank you for joining us.
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How are you?
Much respect.
I'm pretty good.
You're just going to be playing Spanish guitar.
Would you call that a nylon guitar or a Spanish guitar?
How would you classify that kind of guitar?
Nylon.
Classical.
Classical.
Classical.
You're classically trained?
Absolutely not.
No way.
Okay.
What's your favorite chord there on the game?
This one's pretty good.
Well, let him play the chord.
Please.
No respect.
Ta-da-da.
All right.
Terrific.
Lovely chord.
Really lulls you.
That's a lulling quality.
That's a lu