Name: Andy Richter, Matthew E. White on Office Hours Live (Ep 174 9/16/2021)
Uploaded: 2021-09-16T19:17:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andy Richter, Matthew E. White on Office Hours Live (Ep 174 9/16/2021)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andy Richter, Matthew E. White on Office Hours Live (Ep 174 9/16/2021)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-16. Transcript available.

Andy Richter, Matthew E. White on Office Hours Live (Ep 174 9/16/2021)

I like having fun, I like to laugh, I like to meet people who can make me laugh.
I like having fun, yes I like to laugh, I like having fun to meet people who
laugh.
Good morning!
Is your levels okay?
Did you get my glass of your head up?
No, that's very good.
But I'm not hearing you, I'm just hearing the music.
Oh.
Good morning everybody.
You're not hearing my voice?
Good morning.
No, I'm not hearing it a little bit.
Okay.
Good morning everybody.
Someone's streaming.
That's better.
Good morning.
Hi everybody, Tim Heidecker here.
What's going on?
Someone's stream is playing, I think.
Someone's stream is playing?
You're kidding me, not Doug again.
What's going on?
Doug?
This happens, what happens.
My guest, on the couch, back on the couch.
Is Andy Richter, there it is.
Richter.
A lot of people say Richter.
Richter, no.
I have to say Richter so people know what it is.
How is, how's Andy coming?
I feel like he could be a little closer to your mic.
Sure, sure.
I don't know.
Talk to me guys.
Talk to me, sound department.
Is that better?
I love that.
I love you on the mic.
There you go.
Think of you as being on NPRs.
AMSR.
Or is it ASMR?
I can't remember.
So, Doug, are you playing the show?
Can we resolve that?
It's not still going.
Something's going.
There it goes.
I'm muted.
Well, we are back.
There was some horrible cacophony of music and noise.
All right.
Everybody just chill out.
Oh, Andy.
Shut the fuck up.
Theo Balcom, Andy Mills.
Wait, what was that?
Theo Balcom, Andy Mills, Lisa Tobin, Rachel Quester, Lindsay Garrison, Annie
Brown, Claire Tennesketter.
Shut the fuck up.
All right.
Let's get the show started.
Andy Richter is here for the entire show.
I don't know if you know that.
How long does the show go?
Six hours?
It's a six-hour show.
Six hours?
Yeah, that's fine.
It's our telephone.
Thank you for coming in.
I'm happy to be here.
I was glad to be here.
I got here a little early.
I parked down the road.
Don't reveal where I live, please.
I don't.
Many enemies.
I don't.
Well, I mean, this is one of the nicer parts of Brentwood.
Rancho Cucamonga.
But no, I parked down the road and I talk to my therapist.
I do phone therapy.
Nice.
That's a good thing to do before our show.
Yeah, and I saw a woman hauling a vacuum cleaner into this house.
Into my house.
Yeah, yeah.
So you're going to go upstairs and there's going to be some nice, freshly
vacuumed drugs.
We clean the house before our special guests arrive.
We get it fully cleaned.
Yeah, and then have me come to the garage.
I had my wife was asking me, because our vacuum needs service.
It's one of those Dysons.
Yeah.
We've had it for years.
Yeah, yeah.
And she goes, we keep having to bring, I can't believe we're talking about like
bringing
in a vacuum for service to get fixed.
And she's like, should we get a new one?
And I, I don't know the answer.
I think maybe you get a service.
Dyson should last you for 20 years.
Yeah, but it depends on what's wrong with it.
And because the Dyson, I mean, this is, this is like, this is, forget being on
television.
This is where I live.
Yeah, yeah.
Domestic minutiae is my life.
So guide me.
Yeah.
And we could guide our audience if they want to have questions for domestic
minutiae.
Tim, what's your Dyson sucking?
Two F, like 25,000 PSI or something?
No, I mean, like, what kind of stuff is getting in there?
Dander?
We got a dog, right?
You know what I mean?
Well, what do you think it's sucking?
Balls.
Well, that could be the problem, you know.
Cheeto right through my zipper.
Cheetos laying around.
Hoo!
No, but it's, the Dysons, one of the problem with the Dysons is that they are,
like, largely
plastic.
Yeah.
They're their own thing.
There's not, like, a lot of parts to them.
And they're very heavy.
And when they break, they break.
They're done.
And then it's kind of, it's that, you know, it's that thing that, like, old men
complain
about.
Right.
Like, nothing gets fixed.
It's all disposable.
And it's like, yeah, it is.
I like that, like, I used to know a guy that had a BMW and he was always bitching.
Hey, it's things always, I always have to take this thing in and it's expensive.
And what do you, you got a BMW, he's expecting it to just be a perfect car.
Right, right, right.
I paid, you know what I paid for this thing?
Yeah.
Tim, it's a BMW.
A BMW.
Okay, Doug, thank you.
Write that down.
Listen.
We got so much to get through.
Let me just say, Andy, I don't know how much you know about this show.
It's, you could get a vibe from, it's a morning zoo.
I get it.
You get it.
The smell, the zoo part is definitely from the smell.
I didn't realize it smelled in here.
Is it from the shoes?
No, strong urine.
I'm kind of a nursing homey.
That checks out.
The guys were urinating outside this morning.
Really?
Yeah, they were.
It's a long, I had to pee and I used the bathroom.
What's your number of urinations a day at this, at this point in your life?
Gosh, probably four or five maybe.
That's it?
I think so.
I mean, I do get up in the night and pee.
Yeah.
But it's not like a prostate thing.
It's just because, you know.
Because you got to pee.
Yeah, I got to pee.
I wake up, I got a full bladder, I got to go take a leak.
I pee on the hour.
Really?
Are you like a conscientious hydrator?
I've been trying to lose a little weight, so I have been like pounding water.
Well, you know, when you lose weight, you pee a lot more because that's how the
weight
leaves you.
Let's do it.
Yeah.
That's the news, folks.
Is that true?
Is that true?
The fat converts to liquid?
It does.
It's what you lose the water weight first.
For my many times, for my yo-yoing, I can tell you.
I can tell you about the ride down and the slow climb up.
It is depressing for me.
The slow ride down and the steep ride up.
I've been like going back and people have seen me.
I yo-yo to some degree too and it's depressing.
Now I'm going to do it.
Now you, now I've got it all figured out, but it's been like 15 years of kind
of trying
and failing.
I know.
I lost like 40 pounds and then the fucking COVID hit and I just, for some
reason, my fucking
child mind was like, I guess all rules are suspended.
Right, right.
Like, I guess you can eat whatever you want now.
And it's like, you know.
Why did that make sense?
Yeah, yeah.
No.
That 40 pounds comes back on and, you know, another 10 catches on with it.
Well, I think you should just give up.
Be who you are.
It's yeah, but yeah, there's a certain extent of that and, you know, and this
sort of, you
know, embracing your fatness.
But it's kind of like I, the whole notion of embracing your fatness is great
and it's
great to love yourself.
It's kind of a new thing.
It's great to love yourself, but you also have to really do, remember, it's not
good
for you.
No.
It is not good for you.
No.
And some, a doctor said to me that stuck with me, hopefully it'll help stick
with me, but
it was that like, if you go to the grocery store and you see like the 85 year
old guy
that's kind of fit and walking around and getting, and then you see the other
85 year old guy
and he's all fucked up and he's got all kinds of pain.
That's not who you want to be.
And that's eventually coming unless you go early.
Yep.
Like you're going to either be a comfortable, healthy, happy, older person, or
you're going
to be living in pain and misery.
Right.
Physically.
Right.
You'll always have the mental.
Yeah, you'll always be.
Yeah, yeah.
This is going to get worse and worse the older you get.
The mental shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're all, the anhedonia doesn't leave you.
The inability to enjoy things.
No.
Yeah, that's always there.
Well, then you're going to get more and more angry at the world around you.
You're going to be less and less in touch with whatever is popular.
Yeah, yeah.
You're going to be looking at the Met Gala.
It's one of the, what are you going to be doing?
Looking at the Met Gala in 2030 going like, oh, cool.
Yeah, yeah.
What's going on?
She's wearing a birdcage.
Boy, oh boy.
It's going to be one of them shows, gang.
Strap in.
You know what's weird, too?
I'm really loud.
I feel like I'm extra nuts.
Is it a terrible show so far?
It's your own mix.
I don't know.
I've done most of the talking, so it must be good.
Let's see, Matt.
Should we, I just want to say a couple things before the show begins.
It's 10 minutes in already.
But the show, we celebrated last week the offies, which is our own little
awards ceremony.
You got it.
A lot of, this is an offie, this is now an offie award-winning program, Office
Hours Live.
That's like jerking off and giving yourself a world's best lover statue.
Well, I do acknowledge this.
We also happen to have a podcast, a recap podcast that these fans do.
Oh.
Fans of this show, sit around and talk about this show.
Oh, my God.
Talk about, you know, poking through a turd looking for corn.
You've just made some enemies in this room and out there in the audience.
Zing.
Zing.
It is hard to listen to, but I don't listen to it.
I think we made it since we had a recap show.
But Tom Sharpling was on.
Yeah, exactly.
You've made it.
You've made it when you have someone having a whole other side show.
Right, exactly.
And it's hosted by Chris Hardwick on this show.
That's the weird one.
I like that their show is longer than ours.
Wow.
Is it really?
Oh, that's fantastic.
Well, here's what happened.
Tom Sharpling won for best episode.
He was on.
And he called in to accept.
And the guys on the recap podcast, I guess, when he was on originally, didn't
like him.
Or they were just unfamiliar with him as a guest.
Oh, I see.
And so Sharpling called them out in his acceptance speech saying he's accepting
it for them and that hopefully he can win them over.
He made a whole big deal about these guys.
And then I said, well, fuck those guys if they don't like Tom Sharpling, right?
Right, right.
And then that became the subject of the wrap-up show for the offies was them
talking about us acknowledging them.
Right, right.
And telling them to fuck off on Sharpling's behalf.
But they made this good point that we shouldn't get upset if we're critical of
them.
I mean, if they're critical of us because that's what we do here is we goof.
We're critical people.
What else would this show be if we're not kind of razzing people?
You don't get into comedy to talk about what's right with the world.
That is such a profound point.
Thank you.
I always say comedy.
I told you.
Comedy is pain.
Comedy is the fundamental, you know, the essence of comedy is like falling down.
Yeah.
And thinking that's funny.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not feeling bad for that person but laughing at them for falling down.
Or laughing at yourself.
Way to go, stupid.
Look at me.
I'm standing up.
You're on the ground.
Anyways, I wanted to acknowledge them and say I don't, you know, they know that
when
I do that, when I flip them the bird, it's out of love.
That's what my dad used to do.
You know, he flipped me the bird.
Fuck you.
Good night.
I love you.
You fucking idiot.
But, so that's that.
And I do agree with them, by the way.
I don't listen to the show every week.
The recap show or this?
Yeah, I don't listen to the recap show.
But they did have good points about the nomination process and the way we
gathered.
There were some big blind spots when it came to best this and best that.
It was a mess.
And I blame our producer, Matt, unfortunately.
Way to go.
But anyways, I'm high as a kite.
I did a lot of mushrooms this morning.
Really?
I've never done them before.
Like a pound.
Wow.
Half a pound.
Fun Thursday morning thing to do.
Yeah, about an hour ago I did it.
I'm just starting to go, whoa, what the hell?
Have you ever done mushrooms?
Nah.
No, I have, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, I, you know, all this talk of microdosing, I'm like, first of all, I'm
too old.
I don't know where to get anything anymore.
We could hook you.
We could get you.
Oh, all right.
Well, good.
We'll get you sorted.
By the time when I walk out that door.
We'll have a baggie.
Yeah, just a big bag of mush