Name: Sarah Squirm, *~NiCoLe~* on Office Hours Live (Ep 176 9/30/2021)
Uploaded: 2021-09-30T19:45:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sarah Squirm, *~NiCoLe~* on Office Hours Live (Ep 176 9/30/2021)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sarah Squirm, *~NiCoLe~* on Office Hours Live (Ep 176 9/30/2021)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-30. Transcript available.

Sarah Squirm, *~NiCoLe~* on Office Hours Live (Ep 176 9/30/2021)

I like having fun, I like to laugh, people who can make you laugh, I like
having fun, yes I like to laugh, I like having fun, big surprise, wow, this is
my little surprise today, is that you, wow, that's working his way into this
show, no that's not me, it is you, look it looks exactly like you, I know you
have that hat, and he has that sax for sure,
this is Matt's weekend hat, wow, wow, good morning everybody, how do you like
that, I'm transfixed, I'm completely, listen to that, that's beautiful, who's
responsible for this silliness, huh, Paul Barry laid down the sax, and our old
friend Dan Mulcahy made the video, Dan Mulcahy's secret sauce for the office
hours experience, very big part of some of the fun
graphical elements of the show, as you've seen over the years, that's fantastic
Matt, are we still running it on the show, or is it just on myself, it's on you
now, we'll post it later, yeah, terrific, nice remix everybody, welcome to the
show, it's, uh, is it, it's, damn it, I was really hoping it would be October,
because I had a whole goof on, it's, off, just want to wait till tomorrow to do
the show, it's off, what if, it's offtober,
where office hours begins, good morning to you, everybody, we will, we will
rock you, rocktober, now it is still September, so I'm not going to get into
the old October, Halloween, children, my children are very excited about
Halloween coming up, got a, I had an interesting discussion with my son about
what I should be for Halloween, he had some thoughts on that,
he's very into the Nightmare Before Christmas, so he's got a, uh, Nightmare
Before Christmas, uh, Pumpkin Jack, Jack Skellington, Skellington costume, that
was my son's last year, uh, okay, if you care, I do?
He wants me to, he said, uh, this is a nice thing to get in the morning, he
said, uh, I said, I could be, I could be Santy Claus, which is from a Nightmare
Before Christmas, Santy Claus, and my son said, I almost cried, he says, but
you're not fat,
Oh, nice to hear. I said, well, I can get pillows. You know, he says, that's a
good point.
He said, maybe you could be Oogie Boogie.
All right. There's so much music happening right now. Yeah. Are you doing like
two different?
There we go. Good morning, everybody. Doug, how are you?
Doing great, Tim. I just had my, I walked up the mountain to get here, did my
two hour walk and I'm feeling good.
Nice reference to the Instagram live experience, the pre-show. That true Office
Hours hits.
They will appreciate that. Really appreciate. Listen, folks.
Aren't you going to say hello? That's not my dad!
Good morning, Vic. Oh, there we go. Thank you. Thank you. Hello.
Everybody loves when we say hello to each other and welcome each other to the
show.
I just want to say a couple of things. Matt, good morning to you, of course.
Good morning, Tim.
This past, I don't know. I don't know. We could go through the schedule from
the past several weeks.
It has been so jammed. We had the office. We had cooking with Eric Wareheim.
We had, what else? Andy Richter. Andy Richter. Christian Lee Hudson. Two songs.
So many. Todd Barry. What? Yeah, wasn't he here?
Todd Barry was here in the summer when I wasn't even here. Oh, that's right.
The guy from the Melvins. The guy from Mr. Yeah.
I'm just saying the past, you know, few weeks. I think Todd Barry started the
run, though.
Doug's sitting over there like he's on senioritis, basically checked out. He's
fully out. He's
like, I don't have to do shit. I got Richter over here. You got who's and what's...
All kinds
of funny people. Oh, the offies with James Urbaniak. Tom Sharpling. Did he
already say that already?
Tom Sharpling. I mean, you name it. Big time.
And somebody says... We had the pumpkin patch, one of the greatest. Right, one
of the greatest.
We'll get to that. And then we had a couple of dips. We had...
Some people say, well, what is this show anymore, anyway? What is this, the
Jimmy Fallon James Corden hour?
No. It's still about you. To some degree.
Mostly about me. But we said, you know what? Strike the... Strike the guess. We
had a tremendous...
We had Stephen King, the writer Stephen King, wanted to come on, begging us to
promote one of his new
books. How many books has Stephen King put out in the past two years? Eight?
Four, probably.
No. He wanted to come on. Anybody. All the people. Everybody wanted to come on.
Give me a name.
I'll tell you if they wanted to come on. Um... Snoop Dogg-a-dog. Snoop Dogg-a-dog
wanted to come on.
And we said, stand by Tom Hardy from the new Venom movie, wanted to come on.
Daniel Craig. Shaquille O'Neal. Daniel Craig. Daniel Craig.
Wait, is Daniel Craig fired from 007? He not fired. He just quit. He said, don't
do it.
No. Oh, okay. He said, that's it. I've done enough. I've done it for 20 years.
I can't. I mean, I know this is like, uh, this gets into on cinema territory
and all that,
but you know that this is not, that, uh, I am not he. He is not I on that show.
But there is,
there is some crossover. For example, I genuinely don't care for those James
Bond movies.
I don't like the old ones. I don't like them. You know what I mean? I don't
like them all. I don't
like any of them. I don't get why everybody's screaming over them. That's a
pile of bullshit.
They're boring movies. Doug, are you watching those 007s? Nah. Nah. I played
the hell out of the video
game. I watched "Goldeneye"? Yeah. "Octopussy" when I was like, oh yeah. And "Moonraker",
those are cool. With that guy with the teeth? If it doesn't have that Jaws guy
in it. I'm telling you,
even the old vintage Sean Connery ones, they could throw them out. I wouldn't
give a damn.
Richard Keeler. I need Jaws, Tim. Tell Barbara Broccoli to hang it up. People
wake up. And Robert
Dobby's in the 007. Which one? I don't know. He had a bird on his shoulder. It's
cool when he ends up on
a boat with a, with a babe. I personally don't care for anything. But I like
spy movies. I like action. I like, uh,
I like the, uh, "Mission Impossible" movies a lot. I've been on the record on
that. I like those movies a lot.
So... Why? I got a problem with those movies, Tim. Well, here, I'm going to
answer Vic's question
first. You question, you question me. Why do I like the... How do you like
those, but you don't like
any of the other ones? Well, there's incredible stunt work and, uh, you know,
there's incredible
action sequences that I think are the best in the biz. I think I'm not alone in
that. And they're
more outrageous. There's just more at stake. There's always these like, oh no,
if we don't do this the
next 24 hours, they're going to blow up the entire universe. I don't know. I
can never follow what, what
the James Bond movies are about. There's more at stake in those movies. There's
more, there's less,
because like James Bond, what's he doing? Like trying to get like a, some rich
guy's ring or
something? Trying to get a jewel back. Yeah. Like, nobody can get on board with
that. Anyways, Tim,
can I tell you what my problem with it is? If you want to call in and debate me
on this,
we got the Hothead Hotline running today. You could debate me about whatever
you want. You could
complain. You could compliment. Whatever you want. We got the Hothead Hotline.
Of course,
we have the Zoom room open. Doug? They're doing "Mission Impossible" is coming
out next year, right?
There gotta be. I know. Have you seen the first six? Cruise completes the
mission.
It's a misnomer. It's no longer impossible, is it? At this point, I'm not
buying it.
Good point. I'm going to go apoplectic. Thanks for keeping him honest. We're
keeping him honest here.
Isn't that one of those CNN people's sayings? Rough corral. Let's jump into the
Zoom room and see who's out
there this morning. We wish everybody a happy Thursday, last day of September.
It's baseball season.
All right. Markel has an interesting topic. Yes. I'll be the judge of that.
Markel? Markel. Markel Welch. Markel, can you unmute?
Hello. Whoa, whoa. Wow. Hello? Yes. Hello. Good morning. Sorry, I just switched
my headphones to ones that
have a microphone, but I only hear in one ear. What's your fucking name?
Thanks for joining. Hi. So I just had an interesting experience as a grand
jury member of this pandemic and thought it'd be a fun, uh, sort of thing to
share with people. I don't
know if anyone's ever been on a grand jury before. A grand jury? I have,
actually, in New York. To
our, to our listeners, this is a preliminary jury that determines whether
something should go to trial?
Exactly. It determines probable cause. And, uh, there's 25 of us that were, uh,
on the jury.
You only need 16 for a quorum. You only need 12 people to vote to actually convict.
You need less
than half, which is very funny. So it was a very kind of interesting look at
the, uh, the justice
system here in America. And I did this in, in Los Angeles, um, and, uh, masked
up, sat away from all
my peers. Never got to really meet my other court back there, right? Let the
guy speak, would you?
Sorry. No, I love it. I love, I love it. Also, I, I can't believe I didn't jump
in and say I'm a huge,
such a huge fan of this show provides me with so much joy every Thursday. I
love it so much.
Thank you so much. Yeah. Matt and I were at the, uh, Neil Hamburger show the
other night,
uh, in the, the Zebulon here in Los Angeles. Guy walks past me and Matt and
goes,
best fucking podcast, man. Thank you. We love it. Yeah. It's a joy. I get to, I
sit here and I'm,
I'm animating. I'm doing, I'm doing work, but I get to enjoy this and, uh, see
all the wackiness here.
Okay. Top line this case for me. Give me the, I don't want to get all the
granular details here.
I would love to. So the, the, the interesting part is why, why, why, what am I,
uh, uh, Jiminy Glick.
Why do you think you can, why, why are you talking about this? I mean, isn't
this a, a, a, uh, a dereliction
of dooney? That's interesting. I don't know. I, I, I'm talking about it because
I think that people
don't really know what the process is like and it's, and I think that you
should know. I think
when I went in there, I was kind of, they don't really teach you what to do and
I kind of almost
feel sometimes that the, uh, since a, a grand federal jury, it's U.S. attorneys
who are, uh, talking to
you and some of them are very nice. They're on your side. They tell you like,
here's what you should
think about this. They'll answer your questions. Other, others are very tight-lipped
and just kind
of want to trick you into voting for, you know, doing a quick vote. And it
feels, this is the classic,
I think law school thing where, you know, you can get a grand jury to indict a
ham sandwich. It's like
very, you know, the only people, the only witnesses we see are government
employees. So it's usually FBI
agents. Um, that's a low bar. It's a low bar to go from grand jury to trial.
But Mark, you're, you're, you teased something in the chat that you said you
could kind of explain,
but you can't name. What's this about? I think it's a funny case. It's the only,
the one and only case that we voted no on. And I will say it was because of me.
So it did not go to trial.
Well, and who knows, maybe like it, I, it did not go to trial in our court, but
who knows,
maybe the U S attorneys went back, redid their case and brought in a new jury.
I don't even know.
I don't know. This was a while ago, but, uh, it may or may not happen to
involve a, uh, Florida
Congress person who's a pretty in the news producer here. Um, and, uh, maybe I'll
just say that.
Um, you know, who, you know, what Bob Dylan makes by the way, besides, uh,
music,
do you know, I know he makes gates.
Yeah. Very interesting. Yeah. That's, that's fascinating. Um, and, uh, we've
had a couple cases.
I'll just talk about cases in general right now about, uh, death threat cases
where people call
someone and they threatened to kill them. And, uh, we got a case that came in,
in January.
Uh, this is very soon. This is, uh, apparently this guy, 