Name: Office Hours East with New York Jonathan & Slice (Ep 5 10/29/21)
Uploaded: 2021-10-30T03:17:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours East with New York Jonathan & Slice (Ep 5 10/29/21)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours East with New York Jonathan & Slice (Ep 5 10/29/21)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-30. Transcript available.

Office Hours East with New York Jonathan & Slice (Ep 5 10/29/21)

We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
That werewolf howl on that song.
You'd think we made that song for tonight.
And that's just part of the library music that we got for the show.
Oh, we've never heard this whole thing, right?
Yeah.
We're hearing some new shit.
It's like when you listen to the Seinfeld theme past what you normally hear.
Then you start to hear them like they got cool shit.
Oh, is that like a...
Oh, is that a beat?
Like a fly?
Oh, I like that.
Like a sponge getting...
Oh, fuck yeah.
Oh.
Fucking great song.
I think we got to do that.
Slice, what do you think?
We got to listen to the whole song.
Yeah, one more time.
One more time.
What's your favorite part, Slice?
Oh, and then here comes the werewolf.
So you got a weird frog and then a werewolf.
There's the frog.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, a little fucking scratch in there.
Yeah.
What'd he say?
Did he say sweet pea?
Oh, sweet pea.
So that's a fly, right?
So is the frog trying to get the fly?
Yeah.
And then the werewolf's like, get him!
Get off my...
Yeah, get him!
Get him!
That's werewolf for get him!
Get him!
Get him, my friends!
So it seems like the story of this song
is that the frog and the werewolf are friends.
Yeah.
And then here's a duck.
And the duck and the fly are friends.
So the werewolf is like trying to like,
he's cheering on the frog.
Yeah.
And then the duck is like, no!
No, like, no, that's my friend.
So it's two friends and two friends.
It seems to be the story of that song.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Werewolf and frog, duck and fly.
Duck and fly.
That's be...
Let's, you know, I'll tell you right now,
that's going to be the Office Hours East's
first children's book
written by New York Jonathan and Slice.
I think let's work on that, Slice.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, duck and fly reminds me of a move my dad
used to teach me when we were playing softball.
Oh, let's hear about it.
A move?
Yeah, like a...
What does that mean exactly?
Like, you mean like a, like a...
Will you explain?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
When you're playing softball.
Yeah, when they say, okay,
we're going to do the duck and fly.
Okay.
Which is?
It's a, you duck down
so the other person's ball can fly over you.
Wow.
And was your dad the coach?
Yeah.
And he'd call that the duck and fly.
Yeah.
What is the purpose of that?
Is that like if there's a fly ball?
Yeah, yeah, so you don't get hurt.
Well, how, how are you going to get hurt, Slice?
I'm not following.
Okay, so if a softball comes flying at your head.
Right.
Are you going to...
You're just going to catch it.
Okay.
Why do you need to duck?
Okay, that's one option.
That's one option.
The other option is ducking.
But the point is you want to catch the ball
to get an out.
Why are you ducking?
And why is that being taught by a coach?
New York, Jonathan, what's going on?
What's going on?
Listen, we got dressed before.
Dressed like each other.
You're being so hard on me.
Well, listen, we can talk.
We're going to talk about the costume, Slice.
Okay, yeah.
So I'm just not, I'm not being hard on you.
I'm being hard on your dad
because he's teaching poor fundamentals to children.
And that's probably...
What would you teach your kids?
What would you teach your kids?
I would teach them the proper way
to catch a fly ball.
If they wanted to play baseball,
I'm not going to teach them
to be afraid of the ball and duck.
Okay, so what would the two words be?
What would the two words be?
The one and what?
The one and what?
Well, maybe it wouldn't be two words.
Maybe it would just be about fundamentals.
Just, you know, using the proper technique.
Trusting your, you know,
getting your mitt up.
Using two hands.
It's not going to be the blank in the blank.
Yeah.
We can move past this.
I don't want to, like, criticize your father
unless this is a touchy subject for you.
No, no, I know.
I'm very close with my father.
Well, let's talk about these costumes.
I mean, it is Halloween.
As you can see, we've got the studio.
I'm looking at our monitor
so I can sort of take everyone through it.
We've got, I've got my seltzer here
and one scary bucket.
And then we have our candy in here,
which, as you can see, it's filled to the brim.
This is all candy.
There isn't, like, paper towels back here
that's just to make it look like it's filled.
It's all candy.
We're not pulling any, like,
Hollywood tricks of the trade.
Like, when they make a commercial,
they, like, fill it with toilet paper
and then just, no.
This thing's filled.
You'll have to just take my word on it.
We've got M&M's and Dum Dums
and some of the Baby Ruth.
And I've got to tell you
what we've got up here sliced.
This is my new favorite candy.
And I'm not, this is not,
we're not sponsored.
This is just, we got these
to hand out at where I live
and it's, you know what nerds are?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm assuming all of our audience members
know what nerds are.
And so it's nerd,
it's like the hard candy,
little nerds and they're tangy
and, oh, they're so good.
And then these are nerds clusters.
So it's like nerds
and they're stuck onto a gummy,
not like a weed gummy,
just this is for kids.
So you've got the nerds
and then combined,
you've got the crunch
combined with the chew.
Oh my God,
they're fucking great.
Let me see you eat one of those.
All right, let's do this.
Here we go.
I'm taking out a nerds cluster.
Again, not sponsored by nerds.
And whoever,
I've got to put my reading glasses on
just to say,
check this out.
Get in touch.
1-800-280-6934
or go to www.nerdscandy.com.
Please have package available
when reaching out.
So here's how they describe
nerds gummy clusters.
And it's a cute,
like it's cute.
It's got the nerds
and then it's anyway,
sweet gummy inside.
Rainbow nerds surround
fruity gummy centers.
Those sweet little sparks
are fantastic inventors.
Oh, they're rhyming it.
That's fun.
It's like Beanie Babies.
A poppable cluster
packed with tangy,
crunchy nerds.
A candy so tasty
there aren't even words.
I just read a bunch
of fucking words.
How are there no words
when I just read?
And let's count.
1, 2, 3.
How about rainbow nerds
surround fruity,
gummy?
Gummy, that's 5.
Centers, those sweet little sparks,
that's 10.
R, fantastic inventors.
A, poppable, that's 15.
Cluster, packed with tangy,
crunchy, 20.
Nerds.
A, candy so tasty, 25.
NYJ.
There aren't even words.
You seem so pissed tonight.
29 fucking words,
and they end this thing.
You seem so pissed tonight.
I'm not pissed.
I just have a low tolerance
for what I consider
social injustices.
In your case,
your dad's case,
teaching just poor fundamentals
to kids who are trying
to learn the game of baseball,
which is a very nuanced,
already difficult sport
to grasp.
And now here's nerds
with they got their cute
little description
of nerds clusters,
and with all,
and there's,
and they're using words,
and then they say
there's not even,
there aren't even words.
Yeah, yeah.
Fucking lame.
Let me tell you this.
This is gonna really piss you off.
You ready for this?
Where I'm from,
in order to get candy,
you have to provide a trick.
It's not just treat.
Yeah, it's trick or treat.
You have to give a trick
to do,
to get the treat.
Now, did you have any,
what were some of your tricks
you'd do, Slice?
Well, I got,
I got a new joke
I'm telling this year
for Halloween.
Great.
You could say,
hey, next time you go
to Trader Joe's,
ask the employees
where's the normal stuff.
Okay.
And then what happens?
Or is that the joke?
Yeah, that's the joke.
Where's the normal stuff?
Yeah, because Trader Joe's
doesn't have any normal stuff.
You mean like regular stuff?
Yeah.
Because normal,
I think you're,
I think it's the semantics here.
That's what I'm having
a problem with there.
Okay.
Like that joke
landed pretty flat for me, Slice.
And I think it needs some work.
Okay.
Because if it's normal,
like I'd say,
well, this is all normal.
It's Trader,
like this is our salsa.
It's normal.
This is our tamales.
But maybe like the regular brand,
is that what you're getting at?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I think that needs
some work, Slice.
Hey, let's get back.
We still haven't talked
about our costumes.
What are we in?
We're like almost 10 minutes in.
Wait, let me see
one of those clusters.
All right, so here we go.
Nerds gummy clusters.
Listen,
fuck their shitty
little poem in the back.
That's the first time
I read it.
What's important
is that these things,
I don't know
if you can see these.
So you can see,
let's just try this.
I don't know if this is going to work.
Oh, shit.
I'm going to pet it in my headphone.
You can kind of see
the nerds are,
we already have a set focus,
but the nerds are
surrounding this gummy cluster,
right?
And, oh,
so here we go.
I'm going to pop one in
my mouth.
Oh, this is so good.
Let's see if you can hear the...
Whoa.
Can you hear the...
Yeah, yeah.
You can hear the nerds
getting crunched.
And I got to tell you,
you know what?
See, I don't have words.
Whoa.
I have no words.
Do you have nerds?
I have nerds.
I have no words
for these nerds.
See, that's...
See, nerds,
that's how you deliver something.
I had no words.
I put it in my mouth.
I tried to describe it.
Even right now.
I have no words.
It's just that good.
Sounds good.
Less is more, nerds.
So, yeah,
so Slice and I,
we dressed as each other.
I'm Slice.
Right?
Nice.
And I want to really...
I'm going to come back around again.
You look like me.
I got your T-shirt on.
You look like me.
Hey.
I still got the New York
Jonathan hat on.
Pretty good.
Pretty good.
It's greasy.
Well, okay, yeah.
It doesn't really read as well
on camera,
but it's, you know,
we greased it up.
It's pretty solid.
I got big...
Look at those crust shoulders.
Now, do you ever do shoulder pads?
Because this looks like I did,
but this is just solid crust.
That's what happens.
That's what the crust does to you.
Yeah, man.
It's like Roids, Slice.
I love it.
Yeah.
It's empowering.
Like, now I know what it's like
to be you.
Yeah, I feel awesome every day.
Oh, man.
And how does it feel to be...
How does it feel to be me?
Let's see.
Let's look in the monitor.
Okay.
Let's see you, Slice.
Okay, here we go.
It's New York Jonathan.
Look at that.
I'm New York Jonathan.
I'm pissed off today.
I'm pissed off today.
Nobody get in my way.
Nerds, nerds.
Okay.
All you are a bunch of nerds.
All right.
Let's just focus on the constants, Slice.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
So I love the O-H-E, Office Hours East.
Mm-hmm.
You got a muscle tee.
Mm-hmm.
And I love the hat.
That hat is so cute.
We have to get...
Someone has to put that hat in a baby.
I want photos of that hat.
It should be like the Stanley Cup.
Everyone take it home, have a day with it,
get it on a baby, and get pictures out there.
What was I just going to ask you, Slice?
I'm not sure.
Right before...
What was the hat?
Oh, the...
So your muscle tee...
Yeah.
I think this is...
Oh, shit, I just...
There it is.
Yeah, I want to talk about the muscle tees,
because if you're a fan of office hours,
we did a thing where there was no office hours.
Was it last week, Producer Tori, two weeks ago?
Where there was no...
Where there was no office hours,
so we did the live Zoom.
Yeah, that was...
Was that last week?
Yeah, I think so.
And, yeah, we did a Zoom.
Yeah, we did a Zoom with me and Cabby, my dog,
and just chit-chatted with fans.
It was super fun.
And we were talking about, you know,
the New York Jonathan muscle tee,
which you were having,
which you really nailed in your costume slice.
For me, it's not a muscle tee,
because I don't have big muscles.
It's just for comfort.
I was wearing them all summer,
because it's super hot.
And so I came up with an idea
for something called a comfort tee.
And that's maybe, like,
the official office hours comfort tee
that I think we're going to make
and start selling on the office hours.
What is that on the website?
Or is it, like, what is that?
One of those, like, Patreon things?
No, it'll be on the...
It'll be on the...
It's just, like, merch.
Yeah.
Office Hours East merch.
And we're going to start doing some...
We're goi