Name: Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 6 11/20/21) (Fixed Audio)
Uploaded: 2021-11-21T21:41:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 6 11/20/21) (Fixed Audio)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 6 11/20/21) (Fixed Audio)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-21. Transcript available.

Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 6 11/20/21) (Fixed Audio)

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Oh, man, yeah.
That is, uh,
that's our brand new
animated show open
and god damn, it's
fucking funny as hell.
That kicked ass.
That's pretty great.
Um, hey, everybody,
welcome to, uh,
Office Hours East
on a new night
uh, just 'cause of Thanksgiving
'cause of this stupid-ass holiday
uh, that's, uh,
manufactured.
Anyway, so we, we, we, we're not doing next week
'cause no one's around and et cetera, et cetera.
And so here we are, but it's still exciting.
Um,
anyway, welcome, everybody.
Welcome.
I still hear the theme song playing.
It's a really long fade, Tori.
Yeah, it is.
Really long fade.
I mean, you know, I like a slow fade
as much as the next person, but that was like
a little too slow
and a little too long.
Can I get a little more of me
in my, uh, headphones?
I'm not hearing me at all.
Keep going, keep going.
I'll say when to stop.
Keep going, keep going.
There, that's good.
Thank you very much.
Um, well, listen, everybody.
Let's just address the, um,
the football in the room right away.
As you can see, there's no slice in the slice seat.
We have our very good friend, um, neighborhood hero, football.
Football, how are you?
I'm good.
Thanksgiving's my time.
That's right.
It's a big Thanksgiving is like, that's pigskin time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's families playing Detroit lions playing.
I'm from, I'm from Detroit, the Detroit suburbs.
And you know, the lions are just, if you don't know sports,
the lions, uh, and I'll just address these real quick.
I got my, uh, drive and I don't know if you'd call these driving goggles
or shooting range goggles.
I rode my bike over and I have some really sweet cycling goggles
that have a clear lens for nighttime or overcast.
And I can't find them.
And it's a little chilly here in New York.
So I just grabbed these to get a little bit, you know,
for the cold on my bike.
Cause I bike fast.
Cause I'm, I'm tough.
Uh, and even if I'm not, it's still cold.
So these are nice for some wind protection.
Then I just thought I'm going to wear these for the show.
They're cool.
And then it's a little chilly in the studio.
So I grabbed my flannel muscle, uh, comfort tee.
Cause as if you follow the show, you know, we've got some merch for sale.
We'll talk about that later, New York, Jonathan.
I always wear like a, what people think is a muscle tee,
but I call it a comfort tee.
Cause I don't really have big muscles.
Uh, my bad joke is that my guns, it's small arms fire.
Um, but now you're wearing your shooting range sunglasses and you got the gun
show.
It's exactly, exactly right.
But I wore this cause I thought it might be chilly, but this is, you know,
I'm, I'm probably the oldest person in the room.
You know, this is like my eighties, nineties, like late eighties.
The edge red rocks.
You too.
Look, this is like the movie singles.
You're Kira Sedgwick.
Yeah.
But I don't have like the edge had like the white tee shirt under the flannel
and I'm just going straight up.
No, you're going for it.
You're straight up.
Yeah.
Oh man.
Did you say you're over the edge?
I did say that.
It's pretty good.
Thanksgiving's my time.
Well, let's just also talk about why you're here football and why slice is not
here.
Slice got contact traced for COVID.
Whoa.
And just out of abundance of caution, slice decided it was best to, and how to
producer
Tori, how's slice doing slice?
Uh, we have slice on the line.
Should we just, let's just, if we got, if we got slice on the line, let's get,
let's
get him on the line.
Slice.
Are you there?
Yeah.
Hi football.
Hi, New York, Jonathan.
Oh, slice slice.
How are you feeling?
Yeah.
I'm good.
I don't think I have.
I don't think I have COVID.
I'm good.
Say that again.
You don't think you have what?
You say slow vid.
Slow vid 19.
What is slow vid?
COVID for slice.
COVID for slices.
Slow vid.
That's what the disease is called.
So now let me ask you this slice is slow vid.
Is that like a, is that a scientific or medicinal term?
Or is that just straight up slice plus COVID slow vid?
No, that's medicinal term.
So a doctor or a scientist coined that.
I mean, ask football.
Because that just sounds like.
Ask football what, what COVID's called when football gets hit.
I mean, God forbid, but I, I really don't want to get fo vid.
I mean, cause of the B.
I mean, not to speak for the water bottle, but yeah.
But why wouldn't it be wo vid?
It's, it's not a bottle.
It's a water bottle.
It's a water bottle.
It's, it's not a bottle.
It's a water bottle.
It's a water bottle.
It's a water bottle.
It's a water bottle.
It's a water bottle.
It's a water bottle.
It's a water bottle.
It's a water bottle.
It's a water bottle.
It's a water bottle.
It's a water bottle.
It's a water bottle.
It's a water bottle.
It's a water bottle.
It's a water bottle.
It's a water bottle.
It's a water bottle.
Yeah.
True.
All right.
You know what?
Point taken.
Point taken.
It's a bottle.
Could put anything in there.
It doesn't have to be just for water.
So it's bo vid.
And if there was a, well, let's say, let's say we had a cantaloupe.
I don't know if either of you have a cantaloupe friend.
Would that just be COVID?
Or would that be?
I don't know.
If there was a, well, let's say, let's say we had a cantaloupe.
I don't know.
If either of you have a cantaloupe friend, would that just be COVID?
Or would that be?
I don't know if either of you have a cantaloupe friend, would that just be
COVID?
Or would that be Fovid because it's fruit?
I mean, I, I, I don't want to get Fovid.
So I don't.
Could you get, could you even get Fovid if you, oh, because you're football,
right?
Sorry.
Yeah.
I mean, there's also footballs that don't believe in COVID and they also call
it Fovid, but they spell it F-A-U-X.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Interesting.
So there is an anti-vax community in the football community.
And I'm assuming in the slice community as well.
Oh, there's slice.
Sitting on his couch.
Hi.
How's now?
So slice, you're feeling okay.
You don't think you have, and I'll, I'll be respectful to you.
I, I, I'm really dubious of this name, Slovid, but if, uh, so you don't think
you have Slovid?
Mm-mm.
All right.
No, I, I took a test today.
I'm feeling good.
I think that if I would have gotten it, I know where I would have gotten it.
You know?
You know where?
Yeah.
So where were your contact traced from?
You know, uh, they don't tell you, but I think that, I think basically I'm
doing some detective work.
You know, I'm calling the COVID hotline.
I'm talking to people I've been with and I figured out, I think I figured out
where I could have gotten.
Okay.
Where, what happened?
What do you think?
What's your sleuthing?
Where'd that lead you?
Yeah.
Well, I, I think I might've been around somebody on the train.
Oh, riding the subway.
Mm-hmm.
So you as a slice of pizza ride the subway.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So much I'm curious about is like how a slice of pizza even gets around.
How would you, do you walk?
Do you get a ride?
Does someone carry you?
Like I'm just, how does a slice even travel the city?
So many questions slice.
And I would get, imagine I speak for the audience.
Well, you've seen a slice of pizza.
You've seen a slice of pizza move, haven't you?
I have not.
Not on its own.
Not unless someone's carrying it.
You know, everybody said pizza rat.
Oh, look at that rat move the pizza.
Maybe the pizza was moving the rat.
Hmm.
Wow.
Interesting.
Well, listen, it's all about perspective.
I think that's a good lesson for everyone watching or listening.
There's always, you know, there's two sides to every story.
What's your take?
You know, it's a very philosophical approach to, you know, is the pizza moving
the rat or is the rat moving the pizza?
I mean, we say the same thing in football.
Did the quarterback throw the football or did the football move away while the
quarterback was stuck?
Interesting.
I've never heard that.
Oh.
When you say we say that all the time, who?
Football's?
Yeah.
Football's say it, the yard lines, the goalposts, you know, all the things in
football.
Sure.
So that's just a thing.
Interesting.
Well, listen, Slice, I'm glad you don't have slovid and football.
Yeah, because slovid will hit you fast, ironically.
Yeah, that's what I heard.
You know who gets it really bad, though, if they get it, are the thick crust,
the deep dish.
I mean, the deep dish slice will just.
So Chicago style, if Chicago style gets slovid, you're saying that's an oh boy
scenario.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Grandma slices.
You got to watch out for them.
They're, you know, they're at risk.
Oh, God.
So the grandma slice is especially susceptible to slovid.
Yeah.
Is there a grandpa slice?
Is that a thing?
Yeah.
There is.
So there's a grandpa.
Is a grandpa slice similar to a grandma slice?
Well, we got one tonight, actually.
We got a grandpa.
Really?
We got a grandpa pizza for the crew here.
Oh, man.
And it was mozzarella, pepperoni.
Wait, no, it didn't have pepperoni, though.
It was a plum.
I can't remember.
Do you guys remember?
There was a plum on it?
Plum sauce.
Plum sauce.
I know.
I'm just being a dick.
We should have did.
Talking about getting like some turkey and putting a turkey on a slice.
Somebody in the history of the world must have.
That must be a thing.
Someone's eaten a slice of pizza with turkey on it.
I would imagine.
Oh, I've seen the, I've seen vodka penne pizza slice.
That I've seen for sure.
But I'm just saying for like Thanksgiving.
Is anyone done like.
And a cranberry sauce.
Ugh.
That sounds so disgusting.
Cranberry sauce on a pizza.
Ugh, boy.
And then turkey on top of it.
Ugh.
Instead of the tomato sauce.
Oh, that sounds so vile.
Instead of cheese, you put stuffing.
You know what?
Now I'm starting to, now I'm starting to come around on it.
When I'm wrapping my head.
This is like the rat in the pizza.
It's perspective.
You re you get rid of the tomato sauce.
You make it cranberry.
You put stuffing and turkey.
Now it's just like.
That's just delicious.
Thanksgiving pizza.
Wow.
That's gotta be a thing, right?
Producer Tori.
Are you able to look up on the internet right now?
And just see if there's like Thanksgiving pizza.
That's gotta be a thing.
But we can just, we don't have to worry about that right now.
But here's the bottom line right now to this conversation.
Slice is okay.
That's all that matters right now.
Whether it's called slow vid or not.
I'm just glad you're okay, slice.
And I'm glad.
So you think it was from the train and not like you weren't socializing.
Are you going to see concerts or going to parties or anything like that?
Not a lot.
No.
And so, you know, you figure it.
You figure if you would have gotten there from somebody socially, you would
have heard through the grapevine.
You know, the grapevine is always talking.
Yeah.
And I haven't heard from the grapevine.
So I'm thinking, well, where else did I go?
Subway.
Yeah.
Where else did you go?
And for me, how did you even get there?
But that's, you know, we can discuss that another day.
I don't want to burden you with, you know, inquiring about how you get about.
You should be resting.
You're on your couch.
I'm glad to see it.
I got to say, Slovid was pretty bad in the pizza community because of it spread
with a lot of the party cut pizza.
So what is what is a party cut pizza?
I've never heard that term ever.
Really?
From Detroit?
A party cut pizza?
That's a term.
Party cut.
It's the ones that are in like little, little squares.
So not slice.
You got to know some squares.
Detroit style.
Yeah, Detroit style.
Party cut.
I know what you're talking about.
No one's ever said that ever until you said it just now.
I've never ever heard someone say, hey, you want some party cut pizza?
The fuck does that even mean?
Slice.
Back me up.
Party cut pizza.
I'm backing you up.
I have to back up.
I have to back up football.
I sent you New York Jonathan.
I sent you before we ever did the show.
I passed by some place that had Detroit cups.
They were the little pepperoni cups.
Right?
Yeah.
That's what y