Name: The Office Hours Live Totally Secular Non-Denominational Holiday Special Live (Ep 186 12/16/21)
Uploaded: 2021-12-18T13:43:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Office Hours Live Totally Secular Non-Denominational Holiday Special Live (Ep 186 12/16/21)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Office Hours Live Totally Secular Non-Denominational Holiday Special Live (Ep 186 12/16/21)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-18. Transcript available.

The Office Hours Live Totally Secular Non-Denominational Holiday Special Live (Ep 186 12/16/21)

America had gone through a long period where people quit saying Merry Christmas,
it's all
happy holidays. You deliberately changed that and openly said Merry Christmas,
we're going to say
it again. It was part of my campaign, Mike. You know, the country had started
with this woke,
I guess, a little bit before that. And it was embarrassing for stores to say
Merry Christmas.
You'd see these big chains, they want your money, but they don't want to say
Merry Christmas.
And they'd use reds, and they'd use whites and snow, but they wouldn't say
Christmas.
Of course, they're not saying a lot of other things like George Washington,
Abraham Lincoln,
Thomas Jefferson. You know, those names are being obliterated because of craziness.
But we want
them to say Merry Christmas. Don't shop at stores that don't say Merry
Christmas. And I'll tell you,
we brought it back very quickly. You really did. And I think a lot of people
appreciated that it was
a part of the American culture. It was a part of who we are. It wasn't to
exclude anybody. It was just
simply a celebration of what America does at Christmas. And America and the
world, but America loves
christmas
ladies and gentlemen please welcome the grammy award-winning tenor
who has appeared on stages from the san francisco opera to the kennedy center
in washington d.c
mr john brantsey accompanying him as seen on tmz phil braun
to see the finest gifts we bring
can it be
years from now
perhaps we'll see
can it be
a goodwill
live in peace
live in peace again
so
a goodwill
can it be
can it be
can it be
can it be
can it be
i pray my wish
will come true
for my child
and your child too
i'll see
i'll see
my drum for him
barabam bari
i'll see
my best for him
barabam bari
i'll see the day
when men of unwill
live in peace
live in peace again
so
peace on earth
can it be
can it be
can it be
can it be
I like having fun, I like to laugh, I like to meet people, it makes me laugh.
I like having fun, yes I like to laugh, and to meet people, I like having fun,
I like to laugh,
I like having fun, I like to laugh, I like to meet people, it makes me laugh, I
like having fun,
yes I like to laugh, I like to meet people, it makes me laugh, I like having
fun, I like
to laugh, I like to laugh, I like to laugh, I like to laugh, I like to laugh, I
like to laugh,
fun, fun, fun, welcome the holy trinity.
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
Thank you so much for being here, happy holidays, you know what I'm going to
say ladies and gentlemen,
Merry Christmas!
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
Thank God, thank God, let's hear it for Mr. John Brancy, wasn't that something?
You're a mackerel, that was beautiful, so you are...
Thank you!
Thank you!
Yes!
Looking good?
Let me look at you guys, look at this, you all came out, how was it out there?
John Brancy, a true, an actual opera singer.
Yeah, that's right.
You've won a Grammy for singing opera?
In 2020, yeah.
In 2020.
Wake up!
Yeah.
I did it, I did it.
Thank you Jesus.
He's the real deal, folks.
That was fun, right?
Did it?
Did you guys feel that in your fucking guts?
That's the point, that's the point.
Yeah.
It's emotional.
The show smells good.
Stay hard, stay strong, stay in shape.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh god.
Oh jesus.
Oh god.
We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight.
Most of the energy, most of the work has gone into the show already, the first
five minutes.
What you guys have already seen.
So we don't have too much else.
Trying to think what else we could do.
Oh, we should do a City of the Day, don't you think, John?
Yeah.
City of the Day.
City of the day! City of the day! That is crazy!
Not much more to say, City of the day! Merry Christmas everybody!
Not much more to say, City of the day! Santa Claus!
Alright, ladies and gentlemen, the City of the day! Thank you, John, for coming.
Good night.
Let's hear it for John Brancy, everybody.
Merry Christmas!
The City of the day is sponsored by... let's see here.
Oh, this is kind of cool.
Usually, as you guys know, Doug comes up with some silly ideas, funny ideas.
But we actually have a real sponsor, which is exciting for us.
We have Kohl's, the department store.
So, I mean, I don't... I've been to Kohl's. That's a nice department store.
They've got...
They've got like Tommy Hilfiger, my mom shops there.
Yeah, they've got different brands there. I know they do homewares as well.
They get like a vacuum.
Actually, like, it's really good this time of year, because they do, you know,
you can get stuff for gifts.
It's great for gifts, but it's great for decorations. Like our old stockings
were kind of getting old, so I think we went down to Kohl's.
In middle school, I got my first wallet there. It was like a Christmas present
from...
What's that, babe?
The first thing I ever bought at Kohl's was my wallet.
Your wallet?
In middle school, and I used it.
It's a nice store.
And I still have it today, which is kind of cool after all these years.
Yeah, I think it's a... I'm happy to be associated with Kohl's. I don't think
that's a big deal.
Yeah, it's a quality product.
It's fine.
It's actually... it's coal.
It's what?
Coal.
Coal.
Like not coal.
Coal.
Coal.
Like the energy source.
Coal.
The fossil fuel?
Wait, hold on.
We're being sponsored by coal?
Yeah.
No, we can't do that.
That's not good.
We're woke.
We're...
You know, I'm an environmental activist, actually.
No, it's like...
So...
I don't think we can be sponsored by coal, Matt.
All right?
So we have to kill that.
They pay a lot.
Like...
They pay us a lot.
How much?
Like...
Five figs?
Five figs?
A lot.
I guess we could do one episode, T.
It's clean coal, though, right?
Is it clean, Matt?
Yeah.
Very clean coal.
Yeah, it's environmentally...
I mean...
It's organic.
It's natural.
That's what it is.
It's coming from the Earth.
Mother Earth.
Yeah, it's basically dirt, so I'm not against it.
All right, coal.
Coal is great.
Coal is...
For the past 200 years, coal has powered America.
It has heated our homes and built our military up.
I don't know.
It's good for guys in caves.
If you're interested in getting a lump of coal this year, just visit coal.com/officehours
for a 10% discount.
So...
Okay.
Coal.
The city of the day is...
Matt.
Do we have somebody on Zoom?
Matt Liguori?
Are you there?
Matt?
Matt?
Yes.
Yes. Look at this folks. How do you like this? We're out there in the world
right now. What? Yes. Yes. And where are you? Today is Chicago, Illinois. How
many people here in the theater are thinking I could watch this at home? It's
nice to be out though, right? It's good to be out. Sweet home, Chicago. Wait.
Are you calling in from Chicago? Are you in a locker room? No, I'm in my store.
I'm working on these things. Future mechanic. What is it? This one's called a
one wheel, but I work on all sorts. Oh, one wheels. One wheels.
Yeah. We got to get them kitted out for the winter here if it ever hits, but it's
just been rainy and windy so far. No snow yet. Well, besides like some flurries.
Great. Great. How much do those one wheels go for, pal? About two grand. Two Gs.
Rolling around on those one wheels, huh? All right. Yeah. You'll never see me
on one of those. I'll tell you that much.
I give lessons if you come out. You give lessons, huh? I broke my wrist, you
know, roller skating once. Okay. You did?
You got to wear wrist guards. Roller way, uh, roller skating. Anyway. All right.
Good to hear from you. Hey, let's do this. So we've done a Zoomer, right? Uh,
let's see if anybody here has a question. Does anybody here have a question? Uh,
I know there's probably a lot of questions. We've got a few. What's that? All
right.
All right. Back there? We got a mic. Well, they have to get a microphone, so
get a microphone. Yeah, I got a question for you. Don't clap for him. What is
it? When are you going to get back to doing the fucking good shit?
You make a good point. Simple as that. Simple question.
Well, come up forward a little bit. What are you talking about? Wait, you're
here. Wait, hold on. You're here. You got a ticket, so you're a fan. What are
you talking about? I was a fan. Not much of a fan anymore. And I got the
tickets just to do this, what I'm doing now. Yeah.
All right. Well, all right. So what? You don't like office hours. You don't
like that I'm not doing what?
I don't like office hours at all. Go back to the old shit. This seems like a
cash grab.
It's not a cash grab. It's not a cash grab. This is a charity event. They're
doing this for Selah, which we'll get to that later. It's a cash grab, Tim. No,
that's not nice. So what do you like? You like Tim and Eric? That's your thing?
Like awesome shows? That's what you want me to be doing? I don't like Tim and
Eric. Older than that.
Tim and Eric seems like a cash grab. No, it's not a cash grab. Tim and Eric's a
cash grab. Wait, wait, wait, wait. It's mainstream. It's for jocks.
Shut up. Right? This guy's greedy. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What are
you? You don't like office hours. You don't care for my music, I suppose?
No. Gas grab. Definitely not. You don't like Tim and Eric. What the fuck do you
even like about me? Like what is it?
Your old stuff. What? Back when you were like, fuck you, man. Back when you
were like, fuck you. Is this the other Tim from Allentown? I went to like grade
school with you. Yeah, yeah. We went to grade school together. I'm Tim from Allentown.
The other Tim. Tim L.
So what do you want? What do you want me to do? Like go fucking hang around the
playground? What is it? I don't know. That's when you were funniest on the
playground. That's when you were like, fuck you. I guess, but I've moved on
from that, man. I don't know.
You moved on to try and get the moolah, Hollywood money. No, I moved on from
doing shit when I was seven years old, asshole. Asshole. That's funny. I like
that. That's like what you did back then.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do for you, man. Come on, man.
Look at me. I know I am. Yeah. Look at me. Yeah. You're. Do the older stuff and
not this kind of stuff. All right. Please. Please. I'll get yourself. Get
yourself a drink on the house. All right. I apologize. Are you being serious? I'm
going to have a free drink. Yeah. Yeah. Help yourself. All right. Thanks, Tim.
All right. That's serious. Please. Please.
Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Take that mic. Take that mic.
Santa Claus.
All right. Please? By the way, this is, you guys are, this, turn the lights off.
I don't want to see these people. Thank you.
Uh. Hi, this is Tito Jackson of the Jackson 5. We wish everyone a happy new
year and a merry Christmas.
This show is sponsored by, actually, uh, benefits. Can I, do I have to do this?
Yeah. Yeah, I should do this.
Uh. Say-la. Yeah. Se-la. Se-la. Se-la. This is, uh, just so I have to say this,
and I do want to say this because it's important. All the money tonight, we're
going to Se-la. How, why can't I talk?
Not all of it. Not all of it. Not all of it. No, are you kidding me? Portion.
Let's not be crazy.
Oh! Se-la is a, is it Se-la? Se-la. Is it Se-badoa?
Whatever you want it to be. Se-la. Come on, he knows I'm breaking his balls. Is
this the fucking Scientology Sea Org that we're dealing with? Se-org is a
volunteer-driven outreach organization.
It's not Se-org. It's not that. Se-la. Se-la is a volunteer-driven outreach
organization that works at the neighborhood level to provide material aid,
connection service, the, I can't read any of this, guys. It's a great, it's
good shit. It's the best. Trust me.
And they're next door in the pizza place. Huh? Very interesting. They're next
door in the pizza place. They're at the pizza place.
You could talk to them. You ask them any questions you have. You want to put
them against the wall. You want to, you want to interrogate them and audit them.
You can get Se-la merch in the pizza place. You can get Office Hours merch. You
could do a Vicks face hole.
Now, speaking of face holes. Let's hear for the face holes. We, uh