Name: Chris Bagnall, Jon Wurster (Ep 187 12/30/2021)
Uploaded: 2021-12-30T20:45:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris Bagnall, Jon Wurster (Ep 187 12/30/2021)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris Bagnall, Jon Wurster (Ep 187 12/30/2021)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-30. Transcript available.

Chris Bagnall, Jon Wurster (Ep 187 12/30/2021)

We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
So, Doug is snowed in.
We got the word yesterday.
He was expecting to be back in the studio.
So, Doug's not here.
Doug is, what do you say, snowed in?
Yeah, we're snowed in here, man.
I'm going to have to dig myself out or just wait it out another week.
I know there's been a lot of issues with weather and travel and flights being
canceled.
What flight were you on, what flight, what flight were you supposed to be, what
flight were you supposed to be on?
Well, I have a car, but I'm, my car's, yeah, we're snowed in here.
You're just packed in, huh?
All right.
We're packed in.
Well, you're going to stick with us for a little bit today.
And so, you're there at what, your parents' house or?
Yeah, my mom's here.
Did you put any salt down?
Oh, there we go.
Hey, Pauline.
Happy holidays.
Hi, hi.
Let me get my gloves off.
There they are.
I'm so cold.
Hey, Pauline.
I just want to let you and the viewers know and everybody.
Gary, clear the shot, please.
Gary, get out.
Get out.
You're not called upon yet.
I haven't called you yet.
All right, come on back.
No, no, I did.
Pauline, you don't, you don't direct this show.
I do.
Get him out of there.
Gary, Gary, I'm going to lose you.
I'm going to lose, I'm going to drop the call here if you go to clear the frame.
Oh, yeah.
I'm trying to, watch me.
You can't do it.
I have power over you.
Drop it.
I'm not just, I'll let you stay.
But Chris Bagnell's behind me here in the Doug chair.
I hope that's all right with you, Doug.
He's kicking you to see one.
That's what you got to do.
That's what you got to do.
But so how, so Pauline, what's going on with the snow out there?
Well, it's, we didn't expect it.
We woke up today and we had like a foot and a half.
And Gary had to go out in the back and dig a tunnel for the dog so the dog can
go outside
into their business and he kind of slipped a little bit, but he was able to get
up.
He was wearing shorts, of course.
This is Colorado, so he's got his shorts on now.
So you got a lot of snow overnight?
Yeah, yeah.
It started about midnight.
Is it still coming down now or is it cleared out?
That's sunny now.
It's coming down.
Oh, it's coming down.
Oh, it's still coming down.
Did the weatherman, did the weatherman predict this or is this, this was
unexpected?
Well, we were supposed to have it tomorrow.
Oh.
But it came in sooner.
So, you know.
Okay.
Well, that's the deal with Doug.
Doug, you stand by.
That's okay.
Stand by.
Maybe you can help us with the city of the day today if that's all right with
you and Pauline.
Do you guys have Valentine's Day crap up in the background there?
What is that behind your head, Pauline?
Crap.
Look at that.
She's got like some Swedish Christmas thing.
That's a quilt.
That's a handmade quilt.
That's some Valentine's Day shit there with all them hearts.
I mean, love is year-round, though.
The quilt.
I made the quilt and it says faith, family, and friends in Swedish.
What the hell is it doing on the wall?
Shouldn't that be up on the...
It's a big wall.
Well, I know, but you should be using that to keep yourself warm.
The wall don't need it.
I tell her that all the time.
She wants the quilts on the wall.
I want them on my body.
Lay her up.
Lay her up.
Get a nice sheet and then a down comforter and then quilt on top of that.
You'd be warm and you'd be snug as a bug.
I've got some more quilts, too.
So, I mean, we have an abundance of them here.
Thank you very much.
Love bingo.
Okay.
So, did you see Doug so stocky and so banging on the...
Tic-tac-toe with nothing but hearts.
Listen.
We all win.
You should have that fireplace pumping.
I know.
It's snowing out there.
Is it still hot over there?
Yeah, we're snowed in, man.
We're snowed in.
Also, big...
Not to compound things.
Let me just say this.
Did I say about the tree yet?
We had a...
No, we didn't talk about that.
So, we had a...
We had a down tree down the road from me because of the rain and the weather
here.
It was a big old tree.
It was a big old tree.
It came down to cut the road out.
R.I.T.
So, we had Vic and Wes unable to get to the house.
Took them a while.
That's why we're starting late.
There is a back way.
I'm not going to tell anybody else about the back way.
It's a secret.
I didn't even know about it until today.
So, there's Gary.
Gary, how about that snow, huh?
It's not bad.
It's real powdery.
So, it's not too heavy.
It's real powdery.
Okay.
What do you think...
How much do you think is on the ground now?
No.
About two feet, maybe.
Whoa.
Two feet now.
Okay.
It was a foot earlier.
Yeah.
Another foot just came.
Very interesting.
Interesting.
Put a little kitty litter down.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway, I want to get...
I'm so off...
There's so much to get to.
I don't even know if we've said what we need to say yet.
I don't know where we are with the show.
The other big factor, we have the tree down.
We got the weather.
We have Matt Carlin here.
Had some kind of insane plastic surgery done.
Over the break.
I don't know if you can see that, folks.
Can we see?
We got a shot of Matt.
Is Matt's camera up, Wes?
Yep.
So, if you can believe that, Matt had some radical plastic surgery done.
I don't get it.
Kill that surgery.
Not a choice I would make, but...
It doesn't look bad.
It just seems more like a lateral move.
Right.
Good for you, Matt.
I don't know.
It seems like a big waste.
How do you feel?
You look good.
Yeah, you have a good...
It feels good.
This is Mike.
He's probably not here.
Oh, man.
He said he feels good.
The stash, too.
I don't remember the stash, but maybe that's...
Did they add that during this procedure?
Did they insert that?
They pull the hair from your head and put it on your lip.
Follicular surgery thing.
Yeah.
That's...
Yeah.
They pay a lot for that.
You feel better.
That's not even the tip of the...
I mean, we have...
It just reminded me, Chad is here in place of Luke,
because Luke was around somebody that was around Omicron.
So he's out, and it's a nightmare.
But we're committed.
We're so committed.
We went out on such a high, like, two weeks ago.
We did this live show, you know.
But no, the breaking news is...
No, we're going to do this.
Breaking news is that Matt is in the hospital, ladies and gentlemen.
Matt Carlin, producer Matt, is in the hospital.
Is he here on the line?
Hey.
Hey, guys.
R.I.P.
Matt?
It's real bad.
It's actually a hospice.
They're giving me a...
Oh, Jesus.
No, don't make fun.
No, so Matt, what's going on with you?
What happened?
Oh, boy, what a fiasco.
I've had a series of these crazy migraines since Monday.
Is that beeping for real, or is that you?
You're going to drop.
It was a drop.
It was a drop.
I can drop.
I was hoping there'd be some moaning and wailing in the background.
Nothing going on right now.
So I went to the regular doctor and then the ER yesterday, and they're still, I'm
waiting
around for a doctor to give me some, like, results from these tests, but it
seems like,
I don't know, well, it seems like it'll be all right.
You see, it's some kind of vascular blockage or something like that?
Some kind of...
Well, yeah.
One test showed a little...
Is it a lifestyle?
Is it a consequence of a lifestyle choice?
Yeah, it was related to all sorts of...
No, it's...
I don't know what it is.
It's just, yeah, it might be a vascular thing in my noggin.
One test showed something.
A couple other tests showed up clean.
I got a spinal tap, which is pretty cool.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, what is it?
Working on a sex farm!
Nigel Tufnel comes in and he...
How great is that sun, though?
Working on a sex farm.
Wait, what is a spinal tap like?
Yeah, so was the spinal tap painful?
You know, people, a lot of people say that that's so terrible.
It wasn't...
They kind of put a big syringe in your back to numb it,
and that part hurts a little bit.
Yeah.
But then they kind of stick something else in there.
I don't know, I guess the nurse was good.
They got a good clean, clean hit in there.
Yeah.
That is painful for me.
Not bad.
Okay, good.
I know my wife had a spinal tap, I think, during pregnancy,
during one of our daughter...
Well, it's similar to an epidural.
Oh, that's an epidural, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
You have a catheter?
So, all you women complaining about epidurals...
Let's see it.
Stop it.
Give me a break.
All right.
Well, listen, you rest up.
Are you feeling well, though?
Oh, my God.
Have you had any...
I'm fine.
I'm just waiting around, getting annoyed.
Yeah.
Oh, what a big shot.
Well, let's get the office hours prayer chain going,
and everybody send prayers.
Thank you.
Thank you, everyone.
We need many prayers.
It's the only way you're getting out of this.
Yes.
Is if everyone prays all day.
Yeah, send me your prayers, and thank you very much.
The show must go on.
And Matt, by the way, I have to say,
even though he's not here,
he's all morning, he's been producing.
He's been in the hospital bed.
This is Zach, by the way, from the Office Hours East,
who happened to be in town, so he's here sitting in.
Did you like the joke about the plastic surgery?
Yes, very much.
He's a handsome guy.
I guess.
I've never seen his face.
I don't know about handsome.
Not as handsome as you, Matt.
No.
Thank you.
Thanks, Chris.
Hey, Chrissy.
Hi, buddy.
I like that mustache.
I'm thinking about a mustache and an earring.
Maybe it's my next move.
Yeah.
Yeah, grow that hair in a little bit.
You'll be looking terrific.
Get your septum pierced.
All right.
Well, listen.
All right.
Peace and love.
Enjoy the show.
I'll talk to you later.
Feel better.
We're praying.
Hang in there, Matt.
We're praying hard.
I'm doing the old Our Father on him.
Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Capisce?
Give us this day our daily bread.
Forgive us our trespasses.
We trespass against us.
Forgive those who trespass against us.
Capisce?
Lead us not into temptation.
Lead us not into temptation.
And deliver us from evil now and forever.
What?
Now and forever hold your peace.
I almost got through the whole thing.
Deliver us from evil.
But thine is the kingdom.
Oh, that part.
We always...
That's the Lutheran part.
I'm Lutheran.
Hail Mary full of grace.
The Lord is with thee.
The Lord is with thee.
You understand what I'm saying?
Hail Mary full of grace.
The Lord is with thee.
Give us our day.
Our daily bread.
Give me my daily bread, all right?
Give us our day.
Give us this day our daily bread.
Give us our trespasses.
I get them all.
Who knows?
This bread is stale.
I said that shit every day.
Oh my God, I did too.
Hail Mary.
What do you mean hail?
What the hell is that?
Do they do the flag?
Do you have to salute the flag at Catholic school?
Or is it like the flag of Jesus Christ?
Yeah, yeah.
I was just wondering, is that a thing?
Yeah, we did the pledge.
Oh, yeah, we did the pledge.
Imagine us doing pledges.
I like pledges because you don't have to fulfill them at the end.
You know, I pledged $50.
Done.
Yeah, bill me.
Hail Mary.
Hail Mary.
Oh.
Yeah, we did it in the morning, right?
You do the pledge of allegiance.
Yeah.
And then you would do one of the prayers.
Our Father.
Oh, God.
Our Father who art.
Who art.
Yeah.
How about just speak like a regular person in real times?
Instead of, like, it's not what they were doing back in the, when he was around.
Yeah.
That's from like the 1700s or some shit.
It is like some goomba saying like, who art in heaven there, right?
Does that make you feel smart?
Because you're speaking like you're in Shakespeare now?
Our Father who art in heaven.
Fuck off.
Oh, this is my, yeah.
Remember this one?
Yeah.
Oh, we're getting sacrilegious now that the Christmas is over.
Let's say hi to a Zoomer because God bless it.
And we've got a terrific show today, by the way.
I want to say John Wurster is calling in soon.
And I'm such, it's going to be an honor to have him on the show.
I'll tell you t