Name: Japanese Breakfast (Ep 189 1/13/2022)
Uploaded: 2022-01-13T20:17:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Japanese Breakfast (Ep 189 1/13/2022)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Japanese Breakfast (Ep 189 1/13/2022)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-13. Transcript available.

Japanese Breakfast (Ep 189 1/13/2022)

Let's get started.
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Let's get started.
It's the middle of January. I know everybody's feeling down, feeling low. We've
got Omicron, and people are wondering what's going on. So now what we're going
to do is everybody stand up. I'm looking at the Zoom. I want everybody to get
on up. Stand up out of your chair. And folks, your hands together. It's called
a clap. There it is. Get on up. That's it. Matt, you're not exempt. Everybody
get on up. And we get the blood flowing. I see some of you, you scumbags. Shiloh's
iPads sitting there.
Like he's not exempt from my rules and regulations. Stand the fuck off. Come on
now. Everybody up. And listen, if you have a condition that makes it hard for
you to stand up, please don't exert yourself. We appreciate you. We love you.
We respect all kinds of people. I stand. Why shouldn't you? Jake Lawson's got
it on. He's got it going on. He's dancing. Speaking of which, I have a big
announcement.
A big announcement. We're having a new contest. The new contest is this. As you
all know, everyone loves our countdown music, the Kmart music that precedes the
intro.
I'm now announcing the Kmart countdown music interpretive dance contest. What I
want everybody to do is take one minute of the countdown music. Grab it however
you want to do it. Rip it. Play it live. And let's get a minute of you doing an
interpretive dance to that music. Send it in. We will announce winners next
week.
Go on iTunes and buy it.
That's the news.
One contest.
Don't you like that?
Man, that was a great start though. The contest was great, but the dancing was
great.
Of course. Don't we all feel better?
I feel better. I'm ready to go.
I feel alive. I feel alive again.
Ellen knew what she was doing.
We should start every show with a little dance, a little workout.
Well, like Ellen does it.
Yeah.
Works.
Is it Ellen or Alan?
I think it's Alan.
Alan.
Yeah.
Ellen.
Ellen Ellen.
Oh yes.
Oh, someone in the chat says OHL is the new Ellen.
That's right.
Ellen is done.
She's out.
She's been disgraced for her behavior.
People back in the, there was lots of controversy there.
People saying that she was an abusive boss.
Many people have said that.
Many people have said it.
And I don't, I personally don't have that reputation.
Correct?
Yeah.
Isn't that right?
I'm known as a sweetheart.
I felt terrible.
You know, of course, Bob Saget passed away.
Terrible news.
I didn't know him, but.
Oh, that's.
Doug.
That was me.
That was a little late.
That was an accident.
I would never do that.
That's mean.
I started getting worried, though, because I thought, you know, the thing that
comes out
about him is he is the nicest guy, the nicest guy.
All these people telling stories about him texting, saying how much he loves
them.
And I'm thinking, I'm going to get on that.
I'm going to start.
Tim, you've got to start texting us more.
I've got to start getting these messages out there, how much I love you and how
important
you are to me.
Because when I go, I need these stories coming out.
Yeah, you've got to have these texts and screen grabs coming out.
He was the nicest guy I've ever met.
That's what they were going to say about me, apparently.
Hopefully.
So I've got to get on that.
That should be your resolution, like 2022.
What are they going to say?
That's going to be a good topic today.
But no, start on it, though.
You should be, like, telling people you love them.
I'm telling you right now.
Why don't you listen?
Okay.
Okay.
I'm not kidding.
Today's a topic, if you're calling in, what's your quote if they call you and
ask when I
pass away?
There it is.
Yeah, he seemed to, I don't know, he liked the Beatles, I guess.
Can't think of anything else.
Yes, sir.
Anyways, he was into cancel culture.
He's so good looking.
What do you mean he was into it?
Like, he was a part of cancel culture.
He was always, he was shaming, canceling big to Alaska and Joe Rogan, all that
stuff.
He's obsessed with it.
Saget was canceling these guys?
He was big into it.
Oh, you were.
I was.
Oh, I see.
No.
I'm just working all this stuff out, guys.
We have a great show today.
I want to welcome my co-hosts, not really, partners in crime.
Doug Lussenhop, of course, and Vic Berger.
Hello, everybody.
And I got to say, Vic's got another new look.
What do you think?
This is my New Year fedora.
Is this a Goran Brothers purchase?
This was very, it was, it was like 20 bucks.
Well, I mean, yeah, it was from a Pasadena hat shop.
Went in there, guy looked at my face, looked at my head.
He's like, let's cover that up.
And he gave me this fedora.
Did you say like, I need a hat?
Any hat would work.
You were explaining to him that you've been through bandanas, you've been
through visors.
I wore bandanas differently in different ways.
I wore them out.
I did visors.
And then the visors, you can't really clean them very well.
So if you wear them a few times, they start stinking.
And if you wash them, they fall apart.
Well, it's not like you're going to wash that hat.
No, I'm not going to wash this.
But it's made to push off my head sweat.
I think it looks nice.
I really do.
Thanks.
Thank you.
I can't get away with wearing any of those kind of hats.
I look terrible in a traditional hat.
I even bought a, you know what?
I bought like a Woody Allen style bucket hat the other day.
Oh, yeah.
Thinking I might get it.
Like the office hours hat.
And I do like those hats.
And I'm not going to wear that hat.
I mean, please.
But people should check out all the merch.
But I just don't, I look like a fool.
And I can't go, like, I go to the airport a lot.
And I just, I need to put something on my head for whatever reason.
There's plenty of people that walk around without anything on their head.
But I feel weird without a hat on sometimes.
It seems inappropriate.
But then I get a baseball cap.
Then I feel like I'm 16.
I'm just like, what is, what do I do?
Do you ever wear baseball caps backwards?
I don't.
No.
I don't.
All right.
Japanese Breakfast will be on the show today.
That's an exciting get, an exciting gift to us.
She's got her record I've been really enjoying.
Genuinely.
A lot of times I come on and I give you a big pile of bullshit about what I
like.
Because this is the game we play.
That's show business, baby.
But today's a little different.
I happen to be a genuine fan.
Speaking of breakfast, what did you eat for breakfast?
Anything?
Hey, listen.
Last week was a wild one, wasn't it?
Last week's show was a little weird, wasn't it?
A little weird?
A little weird.
A lot of complaints from the peanut gallery.
People saying it was like a bad acid trip.
I agree.
I'm not proud of that.
I'm not proud of that experience.
Speaking of airplanes, I got back last night.
I was down in New Orleans again for a few days doing some work.
And this is a funny thing happened to me.
Well, the last time I was there, I was sitting at, I don't know if I told this
story, I was
sitting at a bar, at a restaurant at the bar by myself and having a meal.
And who walks in, now I'm in New Orleans, folks, right?
So who would be, what would be the most like stereotypical person to walk in
and sit next to me in New Orleans?
Fats Domino.
Fats Domino, Fats Domino Jr.
The Big Easy.
Randy Newman, maybe?
No, I mean, I don't know how well known this guy is.
The Nine Inch Nails guy.
Trent Reznor?
Oh.
Is he from New Orleans?
He down there?
He's not.
Oh, Screamin' Jay Hawkins?
No, James Carville comes in, right?
We all know James Carville, the Ragin' Cajun.
That's who he's known as.
Is he kind of a CNN pundit?
Yeah, he's a political operative.
He was a big Clinton's puppet master back in the day.
He's talking about this.
I think what the Democrats need to start doing is they start to start to get on
the offense.
Because if you're not going to win the offense, then you're going to be on the
defense.
And then when you're on the defense, you can't win.
He just does that shit all day long on TV.
Now, here's what I think about that.
Now, the problem with Biden is he's going to come up against the Republican
opposition.
And they keep coming at him, or he's going to have a big problem next year.
Like, just both.
Now, here's the thing.
Now, here's the thing.
So, he sits next to me.
And I, as a guy that's often in the other side of that situation, I don't
bother him.
I don't really want, I'm not like a fan of his or anything.
I just recognize him, right?
So, I just let him be.
This was like last month when I was down there for a few days.
Cut to, a lot of people do that when they're telling stories.
Cut to, it's like you're watching a movie.
Dissolved to.
Me sitting in my beautiful business class seat on my Delta flight, coming back.
And who walks on the plane but James Carville.
Carville's back, baby.
Heading to L.A.
But here's the weird thing.
Well, one weird thing is like, everywhere I turn, I'm seeing Carville.
I'm getting Carville'd.
For a car guy, he's in a lot of planes.
Why doesn't he open up a dealership or something?
And he gets, he sits two seats behind me.
He's there maybe less than a minute before he gets up and heads to the back of
the cabin.
No, no, no, no, no.
He gets, he, I don't know why he seeds his seat to go sit in the back.
And I can't figure out, it's a total mystery.
He didn't speak to a person or he just like stood up?
He, he said, I'm going to sit in the back.
I'm going to go sit in the back.
Now, here's the thing.
With the common folk.
I'm going to be with the proletariat.
See, if I, if people come see me sitting in first class, they're going to think
that I'm some kind of elite.
Even though I just got done having my children, eating my children down at Comet
Pizza.
Mmm, delicious.
I just had dinner with Hillary Clinton.
You know what we had?
We had a three-year-old.
Tim, did you?
We harvested them organs.
We had pizza.
We had hamburgers.
I sucked down their liver.
And adrenochrome.
That's told me that adrenochrome is going to help me grow hair.
Hasn't worked yet.
I'm still bald as a cucumber.
Yeah, I healed that.
That's exactly what, get some clips of him by now.
I like that that could go into Cosby though, too.
Same.
Anyhow.
Well, did somebody sit in his seat like a disabled veteran or something?
Disabled veteran.
Like maybe he was doing it as a good guy.
And you didn't.
It wasn't that.
It wasn't that.
So that seat stayed empty.
That business seat was empty.
That business seat stayed empty.
You could stretch out.
Maybe he took one whiff.
Federal regulations require me two.
Tim, I think that's about you.
Yeah, what if he took a whiff and he's like, something else not right?
I smell hippie over here.
No, no, no, no.
I was two full seats away.
I was like on the other, like two or three seats away easily.
Let me just say.
Other than that, it was a perfectly nice flight.
Got the maize.
I got to cut some ginger ale.
Here's what happens to me on a plane.
They give me a ginger ale.
I suck that shit down so quick.
Chewing the ice.
And they're right back with more.
Give me a double of ginger ale.
Wow.
Oh, something quenching about that.
That doesn't happen when I finish my tomato juice in the back.
Something down.
That's a quenching.
That's a quenching.
Let's go to hotline.
Let's go to hotline right now.
All right.
Grant, 605, you are on the air.
Hey, James.
Thank you so much for being here.
This is a post-table.
Hey, James.
What's going on, man?
Hey, Tim.
I was just going to talk to Doug real quick.
Put in my first bid on that ball.
Oh, well, can you hold your horses, damn it?
Did you not get the script