Name: Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 8 1/28/22)
Uploaded: 2022-01-29T04:05:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 8 1/28/22)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 8 1/28/22)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-29. Transcript available.

Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 8 1/28/22)

Music
Music
Music
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm just going to keep dancing.
Does it have a slow fade?
There we go.
Pardon me for chewing.
Actually, Andrew, can I get a little more back in my headphones now?
Just keep it.
There we go.
That sounds great.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome.
We're back in the studio.
I get right.
Was that right, Tori?
The last show we did was from my house or my apartment.
There he is.
That was the Hognika special.
The Hognika special.
Right.
I set it up in my kitchen or our dining room.
That's right.
Hognika.
And then all the fans fucking let me down because no one had the fucking guts
to go get it from
the park and send it around the world.
So thanks for nothing, fans.
Just kidding.
It would have been funny.
I keep getting some pops.
You hear that?
Yep.
It's like brain zaps.
Yeah, it's like, anyway, I shoved a big piece of bread in my mouth.
So I know this is rude.
It's unprofessional.
But I'm going to chew it as quickly as I can and be done.
I know a lot of people, I think it's funny.
A lot of people think it's disgusting.
Football.
First of all, thank you, football, for being here, for filling up your slice as
always.
And what's that on your laces?
That is producer Tori.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, we should point out that that's a producer Tori button.
I'm going to step away from the mic and say we got some merch.
And, you know, I know we've been plugging on my Instagram and on Office Hours,
but I got
my Office Hours East comfort tee right here.
I don't know if you want to get it.
There we go.
Yeah.
Let me step.
There we go.
It's always like I'm looking at the monitor right now.
When I turn one way, I go the other way in the monitor.
So, yeah.
And also, I'm wearing my winter tough guy fingerless gloves.
So, this is the Office Hours East.
Again, it's not a muscle tee because I don't have big muscles.
It's a comfort tee.
Usually more for summer.
But, you know, I'm a fucking New York tough guy.
So, I do it in the winter.
24, 24, 7, 363.
I take two days off.
But, yeah.
So, it's a, you know, get your, there's some really kick-ass merch.
I got my producer, Tori Button, right there.
Man, we should get, we should have like just an exclusive producer, Tori Button
camera that
just only gets an extreme close-up.
But, that's what you got on your laces, football, right?
Yep.
It is near and dear to my heart.
Wow.
So, that's where, you know, we've had this conversation with Slice about, you
know, what's your body?
And she said, I think the crust is the bones, right?
And so, your heart, is your heart near the laces or was that a figurative
statement?
No, it's near my laces.
Okay.
It's a, I've, I had surgery.
So, those are, I got, it's stitched up, an open heart surgery.
Wow.
So, I got some stitches.
Oh, so those are literal, because, so the laces, so you're saying the, because
the laces, that's
part of you.
It's part of a football.
Yes, yes.
And you're saying the laces are also part of your surgery?
They were.
So, when the reconstruction happened, it was, it was kind of, it's, they always
go in that
way, because then the stitches will sort of fit in with, like, what you're born
with
as a football.
So, football, let me ask you this, because, you know, there's, I don't know how
many sports
fans we have that watch the show or listen to the show, whether it's Office Hours
East
or Office Hours, but, you know, I love sports.
We've had a little bit of sports talk on the show, might do some, like, Patreon
stuff,
where we just, you know, if you're a sports, a sports head, I was going to say
a sports
guy, but you could be a sports guy or a sports gal.
It's NFL, which is one of the worst fucking leagues in the world.
They're just, it's gross and all the nationalistic bullshit, but I do like the
playoffs.
And last weekend, if you're into sports, holy shit, four games, there was four
games and
they were all incredible.
Now, were you a part of any of those?
Do you have any friends or relatives that were footballs in those games?
You know, my buddy, Bert, is a football for the Buffalo Bills.
Oh, God.
But.
So is he, like, does that mean if, so if you're a football, one of the official
footballs for
the team, you're that team's ball.
Was he, he must have been crushed.
But he also loves the game.
You gotta love the game.
And that was a great game.
You know what?
That's how I feel.
I don't have, like, I was a neutral fan and I could just enjoy the ups and
downs without
freaking out or that there were no big highs or lows, but that's, so that's how
Bert felt
for that Bills, because that was a crushing loss for Bills fans.
Yeah, he was a little deflated afterwards.
I mean.
Wow.
Emotionally, not physically.
Yeah, I was going to say, that's a real, like, that's a groaner.
I know.
There's, and that's, like, well-traveled pun, like, deflate gate and all that
bullshit.
Yeah, I, I hear you.
I feel a little vulnerable right now having this pin through my heart stitches.
Okay.
So.
We can take, we can remove it if it.
No, I'm just saying, I, I hear you.
That was a bad pun.
It was a little hack.
And I'm sorry.
You know what?
Then I, I actually, I shouldn't have called you out on it.
No, you're right.
I should have, like, just embraced it.
I've heard about with improv training, it's, is it yes and, I think is what you
do.
I'm not sure.
I've never taken improv in my life.
New York John doesn't do that shit.
But I should have, instead of just poo-pooing it, I've been, I should have been
like, oh my
God, that's so great.
No, no, no, it's, look, I, you, you, whenever I get here, you always remind me
we're at a
certain level here.
I, I have taken improv at comedy sports.
Wow.
Fun.
Yeah, a lot of, um.
That makes sense.
You would do it there.
Yeah.
A lot of balls do.
There's a lot of balls.
What other kind of, uh, balls did comedy sports with you?
Volleyball?
Volleyball.
Rugby ball.
Volleyballs are cool.
I just want to, I want to just interject that in here.
I think volleyballs, especially like the, when they did the colored stripes,
just a cool
ball.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right?
I like the beach volleyballs.
Yeah.
I don't love beach volleyball as a sport.
I find it boring, but I do love the beach volleyball.
Yeah.
I hear ya.
There should be a, a ball hall of fame, right?
Where it's just like old.
And I know each hall of fame has old balls.
So maybe that's just, but there should be one hall of fame where all the balls,
you get
to see all the sports.
Yeah.
We should do a, a go fund me for that.
Great idea.
Just a go fund me for old balls, getting some respect.
Would it be the ball of fame or just the ball hall of fame?
I like ball of fame.
There's ball of fame.
There's ball hall of fame.
The ball hall hall.
Oh, that's nice.
They could have fun with that for sure.
Yeah.
Ball hall hall.
Ball hall hall hall hall hall hall hall hall hall hall hall.
Now what was the, Valhalla?
What was that?
Isn't that sort of like the Mount Olympus or the Norse gods?
Like Viking shit, right?
Tori, can you look that up?
Do you have that capability of just like, you know, beep, boop, bop, bop.
Valhalla in Norse, Norse mythology is a majestic, enormous hall located in Asgard
ruled over by
the god Odin.
So it is a, it's a hall.
Half of those who die in combat travel to Valhalla.
Wow.
So this is, this could be like dead balls.
I mean, yeah.
Cause well, I mean, deflate gate, deflate gate, boo.
Like do balls, this is a, this is a very, very.
Do balls die?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do all balls go to heaven?
Not all.
I'll be real honest.
It's a, not a lot of golf balls in heaven.
They kill too many birds.
So kill too many birds.
They probably kill a lot of aquatic life.
Um, you know, unless those balls get retrieved, which I think a lot of them do.
I think there's a lot of people that just like to go in there and just retrieve
golf balls.
And I've even seen stuff, I think on YouTube, like when, or on the internet,
like just some
guy in a wetsuit and he goes and scuba dives and retrieves golf balls.
I've seen some stuff on YouTube of golf balls, just killing birds.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Golfers just like they kill birds.
You've never seen this.
Are they trying to kill them?
Or is it just accidentally like four kill a bird?
I mean, they say it's an accident, but golf balls are, they're fucking mean.
Here's the most incredible bird death by sports ball that I think I've ever
seen.
And I think it'll be tough to top.
Have you ever seen, man, we, I wish that we're just, you know, that we, we didn't
plan this
conversation so we can't show this right now, unless there's some kind of tech
wizard on our
staff that can bring it up.
But Randy Johnson, who played, who was a hall of fame, speaking of the hall of
fame, hall
of fame pitcher in major league baseball.
He was like 6'10", he still is alive, 6'10", crazy fastball, dominant guy.
This was crazy football.
So there's a pretty famous baseball clip where he's winding up, throws the
pitch, and throws
like a nasty fastball.
And as soon as, oh, this is, oh my God.
Yeah.
Watch what happens right before the ball gets to the catcher's mitt.
How fucking insane is that?
This is like, there should be, this is like a snuff video.
That fucking bird.
Now, here's the thing.
I was about to say that poor bird or that bird was committing suicide.
Right.
And it was like, and it knew.
So fast.
So fast.
That bird must have been, you know, because what, what, and listen, here's some
tips.
If there's any young people watching and you're, you're an aspiring baseball
player, you know,
what, the way you, you know, hitting a baseball is next to impossible, right?
The, the, the hall of fame baseball hitters, the best to do it, don't do much
better than
30%.
If you're a 300 hitter, that means three out of 10 times you're hitting the
ball.
30% that's massive failure in any other job in baseball, your hall of fame.
So that's how hard it is to hit a baseball.
It's all timing.
I play.
So when I played baseball in high school, I, my, I, my coach, Mr. Shanta.
Oh, he was my biology teacher also.
Just the best coach.
And so he, you know, I learned a lot from him.
So when the pitcher's hand is here, when it's about to be released, I'm just
going to give
you the full thing.
All right.
Do it.
All right.
So audience, you're the, you're, you're, you're the, you're the, you're the, uh,
batter pitchers
in his windup.
All right.
So you can either come from the stretch or the windup.
So you're winding up.
So basically when the pitcher is coming here, when the ball is here, when the
arm is here,
that's when you want to kind of start your, your swing, right?
You want to be a, so you want to be seeing that ball come on, come out of the
hand.
And it's all timing.
And I think at the pro level, you, there's also a lot of guesswork based on the
count.
So that bird, so when you're in the on deck circle, which means you're next,
you're just
watching the pitcher.
You're trying to get his timing down, right?
When is that?
And you're kind of practicing going through the motions.
That bird must've been like flying around the stadium.
I'm saying if it killed itself, it was probably flying around the stadium and
like, all right,
I think I got his timing down.
And then he timed it perfectly.
I mean, to be that low in a baseball state, like the thing with the golf
courses is you're
in bird territory there.
Right.
Like that's where birds live.
Well, we've infiltrated on their land.
Yeah, exactly.
So those birds aren't trying to get themselves killed.
No.
But that bird dipping that down.
You don't fly.
You, you, you, you, if you're a bird, you know, don't go there.
Yeah.
Go hang out in the stands.
That's where all the popcorn is.
Yeah.
Fly up high.
You don't fly right in the middle of where a projectile is being thrown.
That was it.
That bird killed itself.
You know, but the good news is it happened fast.
It happened gloriously.
Yeah.
That's all any of us can hope for is to have a great life and go out in
spectacular fashion.
Yeah.
What's your dream death?
I know I'm putting you on the s