Name: Tim's Birthday Party with Gregg Turkington, Mark Proksch, Tiffany (Office Hours Ep 192 2/3/2022)
Uploaded: 2022-02-03T22:47:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim's Birthday Party with Gregg Turkington, Mark Proksch, Tiffany (Office Hours Ep 192 2/3/2022)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim's Birthday Party with Gregg Turkington, Mark Proksch, Tiffany (Office Hours Ep 192 2/3/2022)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-03. Transcript available.

Tim's Birthday Party with Gregg Turkington, Mark Proksch, Tiffany (Office Hours Ep 192 2/3/2022)

We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
I don't feel like dancing that.
I don't feel like I did it once and I would do a Helen dance every morning.
I don't think our guests are going to want to dance, you know?
It's just, I don't want to do anything that feels forced or phony.
I want to be my genuine self.
So cut it out!
Enough.
Oh, don't eat it.
Please.
What is this?
Thank you, my friend.
What are these?
I'm going to get my COVID breath all over these here.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, hot donuts in Augusta, Georgia, for sending these donuts long
distance.
Really?
Day-old donuts.
Vegan.
Vegan, but not gluten-free.
I don't think so.
I'm gluten-free, everybody.
Well, listen, thank you very much, and let's not belabor the point.
It is my birthday, and let us not focus on it too much today.
You ain't going to take a bite of those.
I don't eat before noon.
I know.
These are for us.
I don't either.
You guys want donuts over there, fella?
I have not introduced the guests.
I know.
Well, before you introduce them, I'll ask them if they want donuts.
No, I shouldn't.
We have an unbelievable show.
This is truly a birthday dream wish come true.
Two of my, a few of them, certainly in my top 50 closest friends out there.
Definitely in the top 50.
Mark Porch.
Mark Proch?
Proch.
Mark Proch and Greg Tarkington are in the studio.
Thank you guys for being here.
Thank you for dressing up.
And we just have to warm up.
We can't just right away get into stuff that's fun and funny.
You know?
You have a birthday gift for me.
That's pretty cool.
I do.
I do want it now.
Should we wait until Doug's done with his new noises?
Not a fan, right, Greg?
I am a fan.
No, no, no!
Are you being polite by saying you want it now or when Doug's done?
We got a...
I'm never done, Greg.
Okay.
Well, then, no birthday present for Tim.
We got a, uh, Doug.
Well, by the way, let me just acknowledge something.
Vic has been sacked.
He has been let go from the show.
That happened late last night, and we'll get...
We're not going to talk about that on the air, but it's obviously...
Well done, Vic.
Pretty nasty.
It's pretty...
Pretty uncomfortable.
Yeah, he was texting me about it all night long.
He was texting you?
All night long.
I wonder what he had to say.
It's mostly tear emojis.
Fucking coward.
No, I don't want to get into it.
Talk about Vic.
I guess we...
What can I say?
We wish him the best.
Turn me up.
Doug got a little hate mail.
Speaking of negative energy.
Doug got a little hate mail, and with his permission, I suggested we could read
that.
Just to acknowledge that we have a lot of fans out there.
Well, maybe there's some truth to this.
Well, somebody, this guy Barrett, should I say his last name?
Give out his email.
I don't know.
What's it?
No, I don't want to dox anybody.
See if you...
He says, see if you can get through the first 15, 20 minutes of your most
recent Office Hours
episode with Hamilton Morris.
Do you think you're adding to the show?
You're not even paying attention to what Tim is saying.
You're just incessantly ADD diarrhea-ing sound clips that can barely be heard.
Thank you to Spotify.
But maybe you don't care about the show being more successful anyways.
Passive-aggressive stuff.
So, um...
Lesson, you take that to heart, that message?
What was your reaction to that?
Well, okay.
We were doing Vic's desert trip bit, so I didn't want to, like...
I was focusing on that.
Plus, I can't...
It's hard to get a word in sometimes.
I'm...
This is your show.
I'm leaning back, and I'm doing my sound...
Maybe...
Maybe he's right.
Constructive criticism.
All right, well, let me just...
Do I add anything to the show, Matt?
Of course.
Should I just quit?
You're the highlight.
Don't leave.
How's everybody's week?
No, no, no, no, no.
How's your week, Mark?
It's good.
Busy?
It has been.
Greg?
Same as his.
No, no, no, no.
All right, let's get into it.
Let's take a Zoomer.
I know people want to wish me a happy birthday, for sure.
But I don't want to insist on that.
That'd be a little strange.
I'm sort of despotic.
Well, doing the show on your birthday is kind of despotic, isn't it?
So you're taking the day off.
Well, Matt, I was trying to figure out, because last year, we also did a
birthday show for me,
but I wasn't here, because I was up in Oakland.
It was a tribute.
But it was not on Thursday.
It was rescheduled for a different day.
It must have been.
It was a Wednesday.
I'm happy for you.
All right, who wants to say hello?
Look, I got laughs.
Maya.
Well, you're trying harder.
This better be Maya Rudolph, who I wed in classic film.
There you go.
We're going to do Tim Trivia with Mark, see if he can win Tim Trivia.
Hey, Maya, good morning.
Wait, this is Maya, or is it Naya?
It's Maya.
Happy birthday, Tim.
Now, one of the requirements, Mark and Greg, I know you don't watch the show
every week,
but if you do call in, you have to have a working ceiling fan.
That's one of the...
Also, this is not ceiling fan weather, so where is she?
She's circulating hot air.
I'm in my dad's room.
Oh, that's not the answer I was looking for, but okay.
That's the name of a town.
Okie dokie.
Where are you located that you have a ceiling fan running is the question.
My dad's room, Idaho.
Where?
I'm in Granberry.
Who cares?
Oh, Granberry, of course.
Yeah, we know that.
Oh, in Cranberry, Massachusetts.
Cranberry sauce.
How can I help you today?
For the record, Maya did raise her hand, which usually indicates a topic.
Oh, I just wanted to say happy birthday.
All right.
You know what?
We have another...
All right.
Thank you.
We have John Brancy.
Cranberries.
Our good friend, John Brancy.
Let's see what John Brancy here is.
Tim.
Good morning to you.
Good morning to you, Tim.
John Brancy is a Grammy Award winning opera singer, Mark.
Oh, wow.
Well, good for you.
I'm in San Diego at the moment.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I just wanted to...
I'm an Oscar award winning operatic singer.
Oscar winner.
Oh, yeah?
Yep.
When the fuck did you have an Oscar?
And an Emmy.
Oh, okay.
Nominated.
What about a Tony?
Nope.
I don't have the eaglet.
The eaglet?
I saw you, John Brancy sang the national anthem at the Ranger, New York Rangers
hockey game a couple weeks ago.
Congratulations.
That's right.
Yeah, the Madison Square Garden was fun.
But I want to sing for you today, Tim.
Oh.
That's the reason I'm here.
This always sounds good.
I'm going to sing you happy birthday.
I hope it does.
Yeah.
Are you ready?
Yes, sir.
Everybody now.
I want everybody to sing with me.
So that would be great.
Ready?
One, two, three.
Open up the Zoom line.
Happy birthday to you.
I don't know.
Happy birthday to you.
I'm going to jump off this balcony.
Happy birthday, dear Tim.
Happy birthday to you.
See, he gets up there.
I would be.
Thank you, John.
I appreciate that.
That was beautiful.
I'm happy I don't live next to him.
Yeah, exactly.
I'm getting some applauses, but yeah.
I had like an audition this morning at 9 a.m.
And I was.
Are you in a storage container that's been converted to an office?
Wow.
Gigantic storage.
I'm in San Diego.
I'm working here at the opera company.
Oh, nice.
I got a question for you because my kid asked me this yesterday.
Can a human voice really break glass?
Ah.
And I didn't have an answer.
I actually, I don't think it can.
I mean, it has to be at a certain frequency, but I'm pretty sure that that's a
falsity.
Now suddenly we're doing an episode of Mythbusters.
Great.
I didn't have that on my bingo card.
I think if it's high enough, maybe.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Greg, does your child have any more other questions about that?
Well, thank you very much, John.
I appreciate your contributions to the show.
And I always, I'm always honored to know people with true talent.
Oh, it's good to see you guys.
I'm like the rest of us.
Happy birthday, Tim.
Everyone else is faking it.
All right.
Moving right along.
Mark?
You are, I just want to give Mark a little shout out here.
You can currently see Mark in Rifkin's festival that's playing in theaters
right now?
No, no.
Why did I go see it then?
I have no clue.
It says right here, Mark Proach.
Oh, that's, I'm sorry.
That's Wallace Shawn.
Inconceivable!
Yeah.
I saw a picture online and I thought that was...
I saw the movie and that was Mark.
It was about a 40-year age difference.
You thought that was Mark?
No.
Yeah, bring up a picture of Wallace Shawn and then Mark.
I don't...
I'm inconceivable!
I understand the confusion.
You understand the confusion.
No, but it was the same voice, too.
I saw the, I saw the movie.
No, no, no.
And your name was in the credits.
I'm 5'11".
He's like 5'2".
I am, I apologize to you and Wallace Shawn.
Okay.
Well, you don't need to apologize to him.
Uh, okay.
You're on the show, This Is Us.
Uh, I, I...
That's Mark!
Look!
I mean, look!
Is it up here now?
In my top third?
Oh, yeah.
There it is.
Yeah.
I mean, without the...
Take your glasses off.
I don't...
I guess I don't see...
I'm going to put your mouth open.
It looks like I don't have to see the difference.
I'm sorry.
I know people look different in person.
Same shirt?
Yeah.
No, he has a jacket on.
And you dye your hair, obviously.
No, I'm not graying yet.
But I, you know, there's like a 45-year age difference.
Same liver spot?
No, I don't have...
Yeah, I don't...
I'd rather not go on and on about this.
Because I...
He doesn't look like me at all.
Yeah, I mean, if you think so, man.
Okay.
Well, we can just leave it at that.
He's an accomplished guy.
I have...
You know we're lying.
I admire him a lot.
Yeah.
But I...
You see my dinner with Andre?
Yes.
Okay.
Are you...
No, that's not you.
No, I mean...
You know the difference between Mark and Wallace Shawn.
I thought I did, but I saw this movie the other day and I thought it was Mark.
And so did all the people I was with.
How many people were in the movie theater?
There were about 500 people.
Where the hell was that at?
The Greek theater?
It was out in Canyon Country.
The multiplex?
500.
500 seater.
At Rifkin's festivals.
Rifkin's festivals in IMAX.
Packing them in.
I'm just reporting what happened.
500 seems a lot.
Like a lot.
Maybe 400 then.
We're roaring.
I didn't have a clicker.
It's just a guesstimate.
And you don't, Mark, you don't think that we need a Navy?
Or you don't think the American, we should have, the military shouldn't have a
Navy?
Is that something I'm reading?
No, I've never spoken about the Armed Forces ever.
Wait, just no Navy, like no boats, but like other planes and stuff are okay?
You're asking a question that I don't know how to defend.
I, I, I've never said that.
So you're not, you'd like to clarify that.
Well, we don't know that you didn't say it.
I don't feel the need to clarify something I never said.
But he's a hypocrite because he owns a yacht.
I know.
I don't.
What would happen if you got maroon?
He doesn't want the waters filled with Navy ships so he can have more fun on
his yacht.
That's it.
Again, I don't own any boats.
Well, Matt, where is this coming from?
I see here, Mark Proach doesn't think we should have a Navy.
Well, we did our research and that's what we found somewhere.
Well, I don't know.
It's an odd position to take.
It is.
It would have been if I had, but I didn't.
So it's.
So you think we should have a Navy?
Yes.
All right.
How would you pay for it?
Well, we have one.
Well, we have one already.
It's not my decision.
I don't make these decisions for our country.
All right.
But let's do the city of the day, Mark.
You act like you do.
I mean, Matt.
The city of the day.
Oh, shit.
I need to find that music.
I feel like we should have it.
I do, too.
Just to clarify.
And the naval reserve, too.
Yeah, whatever's in place, whatever's currently in place, we should keep.
What is the sponsor today?
Matt, do you have a sponsor today?
It's not in there.
Yeah, it is.
Gummy Tummy Meal Gummies?
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
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