Name: St. Patrick's Day w/ Natasha Lyonne, Pat Finnerty, Jay Weingarten (Ep 198 3/17/22)
Uploaded: 2022-03-17T19:17:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'St. Patrick's Day w/ Natasha Lyonne, Pat Finnerty, Jay Weingarten (Ep 198 3/17/22)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'St. Patrick's Day w/ Natasha Lyonne, Pat Finnerty, Jay Weingarten (Ep 198 3/17/22)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-17. Transcript available.

St. Patrick's Day w/ Natasha Lyonne, Pat Finnerty, Jay Weingarten (Ep 198 3/17/22)

We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am back.
It is March 17th.
Give me some hype music, Doug.
I don't want to hear no more.
Hey, Babs.
Knock, knock, knock on.
Party.
Let's party, everybody.
It's a happy holidays from us here.
We've already been dipping into the Guinness and Irish whiskey.
And good morning.
It's so good to be back.
I want something.
Where's the beats?
Where's the life?
Where's the energy?
We were consumed with the bagpipe drones.
I got something here.
Go.
Play.
Oh, it's too slow.
Oh, my gosh.
I'm so sorry.
Well, listen.
I want to get the show started because we've got so much planned today.
I'm going to talk very fast because I got to get out of here at 10:00.
10:00.
10:00.
10:00.
Yeah.
Oh.
Coming up here.
Thank you all.
Matt, are we live?
Is everything going?
What is going on?
We're live.
We're cooking.
We're in the house.
We're ready.
I feel like you guys.
They weren't ready.
They weren't ready.
They weren't ready.
I was not ready yet.
I was saluting.
We're piping.
No, but what I'm saying is.
We're piping hot.
First of all, Eric, the bagpiper is here.
Thank you very much.
What was that you were playing?
What was that?
That was a different.
Was that the standard issue?
Pipe?
This is the Scottish Highland bagpipe.
I don't think you're on microphone.
Can you grab that microphone there?
This was the Scottish Highland bagpipe.
Very disrespectful to the Irish.
It's not Irish, right?
It's not Irish at all.
Okay.
I don't know why everyone wants a Scottish bagpipe on St. Patrick's Day.
But it's...
But there is...
Explain that to me.
You're not complaining though, right?
Right.
Okay, so here's the thing.
Nobody actually knows what an Irish bagpipe is.
We might find out at 11.
Yes.
About an hour.
So we've got another performance from Eric the bagpiper coming at the break.
And that will be with the Irish bagpipe.
Right.
Is it like a bladder?
Isn't it like a pig bladder?
It's effectively that, yes.
Right?
Basically a bladder.
But not anymore.
These are synthetic bags.
Wow.
Maybe it's a bag full of Guinness.
That's an Irish bag.
It might be.
All right now!
Don't strike me.
Now listen, let me explain this.
I usually don't use a cane, but I have a big announcement to make.
Irish eyes are smiling.
Irish eyes are smiling.
That's a song, right?
That's a song, right?
Um, on Tuesday evening, I was returning from my travels.
As you all know, many of you follow me on social media.
I was traveling.
I was in North Carolina.
I was in Austin, Texas.
Various activities.
Various work obligations.
And it was a tremendous trip.
I'll talk more about that later.
But I come home Tuesday night, 11 o'clock at night.
I gotta tell you, I was just exhausted.
I'm coming up the steps to my house.
Long day of travel.
Long day of work and travel.
I'm coming up with my big old suitcase.
I'm a traveling man.
I'm a traveling salesman.
What am I selling?
Me!
My talents.
I come up the steps.
And somehow there's a step that kind of swings into where my front door is.
I got my big heavy suitcase.
And I go to make the turn.
And the gravity, the momentum of the bag, whatever it is, swings out.
And my back goes.
I mean, you can hear it.
The neighbors could hear it.
And I see stars.
It was like one of those, like a Dagwood.
Would that happen to Dagwood in the Blondie comics?
His back would go out, maybe?
Somebody like that.
His back's never been in.
I go out hard.
And I come in and my wife is up there.
Marilyn's up there.
She's welcoming me home.
A great homecoming.
After being away for a week.
I go.
I got it.
I got it.
And I'm like, yeah.
And I lay down and I'm in tremendous pain.
I have all night long.
I can't sleep because I can't get into a position I'm comfortable in.
I get up the next morning.
Folks, I could barely walk.
It is a miracle that I'm here standing at the moment.
I could barely walk yesterday.
I go to the urgent care.
I get a pain shot in my ass.
Right in the hole, too.
They put the needle right in the hole.
That's not supposed to go.
I don't know what that is.
No, but they give me some pain shot and they give me a couple of different.
Good God.
So much going on.
You have no clue.
People watching at home have no clue what goes on to make this show happen.
But anyways, that's why I have my cane.
But believe me, this cane is going to come in handy with you boys if you don't
smarten
up.
You're not afraid to use it.
No, that's not funny.
We don't.
We don't get violent here.
I apologize for that attitude.
Bigger news than that.
We have a very special guest besides Eric.
God bless you.
You have fun?
I'm having a great time.
Thank you.
Eric came in to sound check.
Somebody, I think Matt said, do you know what's going on here?
He goes, I have no idea.
Just happy to be here to play.
And then we said, it's amazing.
We can get you on this day of all days.
He goes, well, most of these things.
There's no parties in the morning time, so.
No backpipes requests in the morning.
What's going on in Ireland today?
Are they celebrating St. Paddy's Day?
What?
Don't they celebrate it?
Do they celebrate it?
I don't know.
In St. Patrick's Day?
Yeah.
In Ireland?
It's an American invention.
We all know.
Oh, is it?
Well, I correct you on that because one of my, the guests I requested who is
not
available, a good friend of the show, a Scimaster himself, Santa Claus John C.
Riley would love to have been here.
But he is actually in Dublin right now, taking part in the St. Patrick's Day
parade in Dublin.
And he is the president of the parade or whatever.
But I got something even better because I have an actual leprechaun in the
audience in the room tonight.
What's it like being the coolest guy in town?
We have Jay the Leprechaun with us today.
Jay.
That's cool, right?
It's cool.
I mean, I, to be frank, I don't know what I'm doing here right now.
I'm trying.
The gig's a gig, Jay.
That's right.
Dude, do a little Irish jig or whatever.
Come on.
I don't know anything about jigs.
I literally have no affiliation with...
Where's your pot of gold?
Yeah, where's your fucking pot of gold?
I'm not a leprechaun.
You guys had me come here like this?
He probably does pot of Bitcoin.
Yeah, really.
Pot of crypto.
You know what I mean?
I just thought it was fun and random and...
Yeah, it's random.
I have nothing to do with St. Paddy's Day.
I'm not Irish.
No.
I'm from Eastern Europe.
My great-grandparents are...
I'm from Russia and Poland, so...
All right.
Well, you can always say no.
I mean, you don't have to agree.
That wasn't an option.
You know what I mean?
I guess, yeah.
I don't know.
I feel like I'm at the point in my career where I have to be saying yes to most
opportunities.
Right.
So, yeah, you put me in a weird spot.
I don't...
Is this going to leech somewhere, do you think?
Where's it going to go?
I don't want to keep doing shit like this.
No.
I don't want to keep doing shit like this.
What is going on?
I don't want to keep doing shit like this.
I need to be able to showcase my actual talents.
Right.
Do you have me sitting here?
Just take a look at what's going on.
You're like a hobbit.
Why do...
Leprechauns usually wear shoes.
Why are you not wearing shoes?
I don't...
No shoes?
Yeah.
I don't know.
That's more of a hobbit thing.
Yeah.
I just...
There's a difference.
Those aren't the same guys.
You're a good...
Let's put it this way.
You're a good luck charm today here.
All right.
I guess.
By the way, I want to thank Natasha Leggero for holding down the fort last week.
Everybody loved Natasha, by the way.
Thank you.
The reviews were phenomenal.
Oh, good.
You wouldn't belong.
And I think she's going to stop by today because she said she forgot something.
She's going to pop in and pick something up.
Okay.
So maybe we'll ask her what she thought.
But other than that, it is good to be back.
I'm in terrible pain.
And I'm just going to walk through it because this show means more to me than
just about anything.
Let's take a call, Matt, just to say hello to the great Zoom community.
Yeah, let's do it.
In the audience.
Let's check in with Gav.
Let's take a call.
Who I think has some St. Patrick's cheer to bring us.
Gav, are you there?
Please, we need it.
Oh, good morning, fellas.
How are you?
Hi.
Top of the morning to you.
Top of the morning.
I heard there was a lack of females last week.
I thought I'd chime in.
Yeah.
Where are you calling from?
And drop the accent because it's very...
I'm calling from...
Oh, good.
You wouldn't belong.
It's very good.
Go ahead.
I'm calling from South Philadelphia, baby.
Oh, that's very Irish.
No.
I was going to say, and I forgot to bring it down.
On my wall upstairs, I have a picture, a beautiful picture of my great-grandfather
who was an
Irish cop in the streets of Philadelphia, believe it or not.
I don't know if I've ever told anybody that.
No.
Last name Kelleher.
So...
Honorable.
Do you still live here?
I'm German-Irish, okay?
I'm German-Irish.
You're part cop.
That's right.
Not all cops are bad.
I'm Italian-Irish.
I'm the perfect...
I know nothing about my great-grandfather.
He could have been a bad guy.
What are the odds that my great-grandfather was just a bad guy?
A-cap.
A-cap, too.
Huh?
A-cap.
Yes.
So, Philly, of course, a lot of Irish there, a lot of Italians, a lot of Poles.
I'm Irish and Italian, baby.
Oh!
Meadow.
Meadow.
So, what I wanted to show you guys today is a little...
I have to point one thing out.
Poor Eric the bagpiper does not have his headphones in.
Oh, he has no idea.
So, he doesn't know there's all sorts of chatting going on.
I'm making up the conversation in my head.
Yes.
It's very interesting.
But Jay is.
How are you making out of this, Jay?
Oh, yeah.
No, this is lovely.
I actually...
You know what?
I figure I'm going to make the best of the situation.
I was going to ask you if you wouldn't mind adjusting your attitude.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know what?
Everyone in the chat, let's just start being positive.
I'm so sorry for my negative attitude.
Let's be happy.
It's St. Patty's Day.
Thank you so much.
I don't care how I'm dressed.
All right.
That's a cool attitude.
Yeah.
We like that.
All right.
Well, thank you for calling in.
Did you have anything else you wanted to add to the conversation?
Yeah.
I just wanted to show you guys what I'm cooking right now.
Making some corn beef.
Oh, perfect.
Oh.
An Irish stew.
Some corn beef in the crock pot.
Hello, food fans.
And we've got some Guinness in the fridge, and I'm making some soda bread later,
and we're
having some friends over.
Cheers to you guys.
Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just wanted to say I love the show.
I watch it every week, and you guys put a smile on my face.
Awesome.
That's really nice to hear.
Thank you very much for calling it.
Quick quiz.
Yes.
Where is St. Pat's Day on my top 10 holiday list?
Is it?
Quick quiz.
I don't think, I don't, on top 10, I think it's not on it.
I don't think it's.
Top 10.
I've never heard you talking about it.
Oh, I love it.
Oh, you do?
I love it.
Oh, okay.
It's heritage.
It's fine.
My heritage.
We don't get no German day.
There's no German day.
That's true.
That does not exist.
It's all I got.
It's like Oktoberfest.
You get a whole month.
Oh yeah, there is Oktoberfest.
That's true.
There's a month.
30 days.
I'm going to say, Tim, I'm going to say you're number one.
Easter.
No.
Easter?
The children have this debate all the time, of course.
What is their favorite holiday?
Is it Christmas?
Is it Halloween?
You're number one.
Christmas.
Ah.
Oh.
Christmas.
I could get your top five, maybe not in the right order.
Christmas, the 4th of July, Groundhogs, and Thanksgiving.
Sure.
I like Thanksgiving.
That's number one.
Number two, St. Patrick's Day.
Oh.
Number three, Christmas.
Wait, Thanksgiving number one?
That's interesting.
St. Patrick's is not your number two.
What about birthday?
Where's birthday, though?
When have you ever done anything on St. Pat's?
I'm partying every night leading up to t