Name: AmeriPUN Idol with A.D. Miles (Office Hours Live Ep 199 3/31/22)
Uploaded: 2022-03-31T19:10:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AmeriPUN Idol with A.D. Miles (Office Hours Live Ep 199 3/31/22)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'AmeriPUN Idol with A.D. Miles (Office Hours Live Ep 199 3/31/22)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-31. Transcript available.

AmeriPUN Idol with A.D. Miles (Office Hours Live Ep 199 3/31/22)

Name something you'd like your girlfriend to do to your face.
I'm going to say sit down.
Yeah!
Sit down!
Bye bye!
Bye bye!
I like having fun.
I like to laugh.
I like to meet people who can make me laugh.
I like having fun.
Good morning, good morning, good morning!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, we are
live, live on YouTube, live on Twitch, maybe.
In other words, if you're watching later, maybe it's, we're not live at all.
Good morning, it's Tim Heidegger here, back from sabbatical, from our week off.
It is Thursday.
It's a Tuesday.
Thank God it's the day before Friday.
What?
It is, that's true.
But here's the bad news.
It's not April 1st.
I mean, my favorite day of the year, right?
It's Christmas for guys like us.
You can say it's April 1st, Fool's Day, Fool's Day, and then say, sorry, April
Fool's.
I love April Fool's.
I wish we were doing it.
Why couldn't we be doing a show on April Fool's?
I love pranks.
I love pranks.
Oh, man, I love a good prank.
Oh, I did a thing last year.
I took, my wife's lactose intolerant.
And so I took, she's lactose intolerant.
She doesn't like when I like looking at my Playboys.
It's not nice.
But, first of all, 80 miles is here, of course.
I'm already giggling, I'm already giggling.
I mean, the show began about a half hour ago.
The riffing started.
The riffing.
We don't know how to turn it off.
No.
But anyhow, she's lactose intolerant.
And she goes, go get me some Starbucks, you know?
Okay.
Get me my usual oat milk latte.
Sure, yeah, yeah.
So I go down to the Starbucks.
I say, see if you can catch the prank here.
I say to the woman at the Starbucks, I say, I'll have a latte, please.
No oat milk, right?
Okay.
So as they do the right, they put it, but on purpose, as a prank.
She gets the standard issue latte.
Yep, diarrhea.
She's like, something's not right.
Something's not right.
Yeah, I go, April Fools!
April Fools!
So, I was in the doghouse for that one.
Yeah.
Anyhow, welcome to the...
Worth it.
Totally worth it.
Yeah.
Welcome to the show.
It's going to be a somber one today.
We had...
It's going to be somber.
It's the last episode.
Is that why it's a sad?
It's the last episode.
I've decided to turn this into...
Of this show.
Oh, this is the last episode of the show?
I'm converting the studio back into a traditional garage.
Garage.
I need...
Because the car's getting messy out there with leaves falling.
I noticed he did.
And sap and shuffling.
I noticed he did.
A sap all over it.
You're going to shut the show down just to have a garage?
Yeah, I got to have the garage back, Doug.
I can't be putting the cars out on the driveway anymore, so...
The pine needles.
The pine needles are a nightmare.
It's just getting them off the sap.
What are those like spiky balls out here in California?
You know what I'm talking about?
You step on them?
Yes.
There's like thousands of them around.
Well, let me introduce yourself.
You shouldn't be on Tim's side here.
His Chevy Cruze can be parked somewhere else.
True.
I know.
I know.
I want to welcome DJ Doug Pal to the show.
And Vic Berger.
Hello, everybody.
Vic being very casual with his cool t-shirt.
Get my Billy Joel shirt on.
It's all I need today.
Disrespectful to the audience to come dressed like that.
Let's work on it.
Unbelievable.
80 miles fresh from the front lines reporting.
Were you out there in Iraq?
Or where were you with the whole...
Oh, I was in...
You looked like a war...
I was in J. Cruze-istan.
Yeah.
You looked like a wartime reporter.
Right.
I'm on the front lines.
Any good way, yeah.
Yeah, we should have you on green screen saying that you're actually out there
in Turkmenistan or something.
That'd be fun.
Forget it.
Fun riff.
Okay.
That would be very funny.
He's giving me dirty lips.
No, I'm going to delay.
Oh, you...
That would be very funny.
We're going right now to our reporter in the field who's in Aleppo, Syria right
now with the latest from what's going on there.
Miles?
That's correct.
Yeah.
I took a wrong turn.
Yeah.
I took a wrong turn.
I ended up in the past war.
I'm not in the current one.
Why don't we just check all systems go, get a zoomer in here to say good
morning, just get that going.
Sure.
So I can get back in the swing.
You know, we go off for a week.
It's a total reset.
I don't know.
I forgot where my drops are.
It does feel like you build it from the ground up every episode.
I want to hear from Ray Steele.
I mean that in a bad way.
Ray Steele, famous porn star Ray Steele.
He looks like it too.
Ray, are you there?
That's me.
Yeah, hi.
Hey, Ray, how's it going?
How's the banging going on camera?
How do you do that all the time?
I mean, how many times are you making love, I should say, on camera?
You've got to take your vitamins, get the blood flowing.
With the in and the out and the in and the out.
Making it seem so enjoyable, but yet it is a chore.
It is a job.
Yeah.
Sometimes it's a blow job.
Hey, it pays the bills.
Pays the bills.
Yeah, I wasn't expecting to go first, but I got some puns.
Yes, we have AmeriPun Idol today, folks.
So I think, let me just explain how this is going to work very quickly.
This is going to be the open call edition.
So this is where they bring in the freaks.
The freaks.
They're all like, oh, like I'm wearing a carrot purse or something.
Exactly.
And we expect them a lot.
Unusual people.
There, thank you.
You're being very respectful, which we have to do these days.
We don't want to get slapped.
Don't get me started.
Time's up.
It's shocking.
It was unbelievable.
And I'm still feeling gross about it.
I know.
All right.
Thank you for getting on the record.
You feel gross about it.
I do.
I had diarrhea all day after that.
I was pacing.
I was confection.
And I'm not saying that the diarrhea was related to the slap, but I know that
one came first
and then the other, so.
Yeah.
Could have been from the Taco Bell you had for lunch.
So it's open season, Ameripon Idol, and then I believe next week we will have
the finalists.
That's right.
So they're looking for, and I want to take myself out of the voting.
What is the voting, do we have cards and pens and stuff?
One to five.
Oh, I forgot that.
Yeah, I forgot the cards.
Forgot the cards.
So do we do like a whole, like, it's a yes for me kind of thing?
Alec, actually, can you find us a sharpies and cards?
We're going to do a one to five scale.
Okay.
Or do we just want to do a yes, no.
Pass, fail.
Pass.
I mean, if it's Ameripon Idol, you've got to be, that's a yes for me.
And I'm like, all right.
I think that's the way to go.
I'm sorry.
It's a no for me.
I wasn't feeling it.
I think come back when you're ready, that whole thing.
Great.
Thank you for leading the charge on this.
God knows there's plenty of people that could have led the charge that didn't.
I like the one to five, personally.
Yeah.
Well, then you're out.
You're done.
I like when in The Godfather.
I mean, is this, you know, Battle of the Network Stars or something?
I like in The Godfather when Pacino takes control of the family.
You've seen The Godfather.
That's the one about the mafia.
Yeah.
Okay.
Italian mafia.
Brando dies, Pacino's finally in charge, and he goes to Tom, he goes, Tom Hayden,
Hagan,
Tom Hagan, he goes, Tom's going to be out, he's going to be running separate,
he's not
going to be involved in this.
And he goes, you sure, Mike, I could help.
He goes, you're out, Tom.
Yeah.
And it's very like.
Clear.
And it doesn't feel personal.
No, it's business.
Tom, you're out.
Sorry.
But he knows he's 10 steps ahead.
He knows he needs Tom isolated from that part of the business.
The whole business.
Very smart of Michael Corleone.
Yeah.
Well, some people say Corleone.
Named after the village.
Right.
I had so many things I wanted to talk about on the show written down, and this
is what I
end up talking about.
Ray Steele's got you there.
Just when I thought I was out, they put pressure on me to rejoin the business.
That's a famous line.
Yeah, I'm here.
I made him an offer that if he didn't agree to, it would have been a big
problem for him.
And then, yeah, the offer was such that if he were to not take it, you know,
not good.
So, my suggestion would be to take the offer.
Right.
Doug, are you okay with just a yes, no?
That is a traditional...
It doesn't matter.
I'll give you the challenge with that.
I just really want to hear his pun.
The challenge with that is we're trying to narrow down to top five.
I don't want to say people.
I don't want to say no.
You just have to be more deliberate about, like, this is a yes or this is a no.
And the majority yes goes forward.
So, did this guy get...
He said he had several.
Is he just going to do one?
All right.
You get one chance.
That was kind of my question.
I feel like we're stealing his time.
How about this?
That's a fun race steal.
How about yes, if you move forward, then we rate the second one.
Okay.
That is a great way to...
Too complicated?
Too complicated.
Or there's a way just like timer starts.
Let's keep stalling this.
30-second timer.
Let me just...
Can I make an executive decision here?
Please do.
You are the executive.
You're the EP.
Showrunner.
Showrunner.
It will be a yes, no, pass, fail, majority gets into the finals.
And how many people are voting?
Is it even number...
It'll be you, you, and you.
All right.
So, two out of three, you move forward.
Yes, exactly.
Are you going to do a British accent?
That works.
Would you like me to?
I'd love it.
Okay.
All right, sir.
You're our first contestant.
Okay.
Oh, no.
I have, like, a whole screen-sharing thing.
Okay.
You want to start your vote?
No, no.
I got some that don't...
He's got it.
This is the big leagues, man.
You got to come ready to rock.
Okay, I'll do one that doesn't involve a photo here.
Okay, so Jordan Peele was planning his wedding with his fiancee, and they were
going over their budget and the guest list and food and catering and all that.
And his soon-to-be bride said, should I invite my extended family?
They're abominable snowmen, and they have really big appetites.
And he said, we shall see.
Per Yeti, it could get expensive.
Yeah, it's interesting.
Okay.
Yes, yes.
All right.
It's a little bit of a matrix.
Everybody clear?
Yep.
Everybody ready to vote?
We shall see.
We shall see Peretti.
Per Yeti, it could get expensive.
Okay.
Doug, your vote?
I guess I'll give it a thumbs up, yes.
Thank you, Doug.
You got to know that I got better stuff.
It's just because you're the first guy.
Yeah.
We can't do better stuff.
This has got to be your best one, sir.
Yeah, by the way, here's another note.
Everybody, I think the way this is going to go is everybody gets one pun.
You don't get to do a set of puns.
Sure.
All right.
Should I go?
I'll go next.
It's just going to take all day to get through any of this.
I already feel like it was a mistake.
My brain wasn't moving fast enough.
I feel like I made a mistake by saying yes, but I just want to be nice to him
because he was,
I was recently waiting.
Right.
I think it's a funny joke now that I know what it was, what he was trying to
say.
But personally, I didn't understand it, so I'm going to say no.
It's got to be, yeah, the best ones are kind of clean, clear.
Everyone, oh, okay, I get it.
Yeah, the forced pronunciation, you know, shoehorning the pronunciation to get
to your pun
puts it at a lower level.
So it's a no for me, Doug.
Wow, wow.
It's going to be tough, folks.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, Greg.
You're out.
Just like, we've got to get a sample of Al Pacino saying, you're out, Tom.
You're out, Tom.
Let me stop.
He has so many puns, though.
It's a shame.
Let me stop the show for a huge announcement.
All the way out the door, he could probably litter a few puns.
Matt received this package from our home base, YouTube here.
We love YouTube.
You're out.
We love it as a service.
Save my ass on Sunday night, by the way, with the Oscar special.
It's a pizza?
You wish it was a pizza, you hungry bastard.
This guy over here, it's always like, where's the pizza?
