Name: Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 11 5/26/22)
Uploaded: 2022-05-27T03:21:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 11 5/26/22)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 11 5/26/22)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-27. Transcript available.

Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 11 5/26/22)

I'll see you next time.
I'll see you next time.
I'll see you next time.
I'll see you next time.
I'll see you next time.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?
The show starts in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, go.
I'll see you next time.
Have you ever heard this whole song?
It's kind of an extended cut.
Now, Tori, producer Tori.
Now, first of all, let me just say to the audience, welcome to Office Hours
East.
Just wanted to acknowledge at the top, and obviously, I briefly mentioned this
on my social media.
It's certainly been an absolutely fucking horrible week with some truly
devastating news.
And, you know, I just wanted to say something at the top.
It felt weird to say it.
It felt weird to not say it.
So, you know, I was going to have the boss call in and just felt like, let's
just keep it short.
And, you know, I hope this, you know, listen, like I do every show.
I hope it's just a fun diversion and a respite from the fucking horrors of the
week and the horrors of the day.
And so I hope this always provides you with that in general.
But this week, you know, on the heels of it, fucking awful, to say the least.
And fuck all those pieces of shit in Texas and elsewhere.
All right, so let's move on from that.
And I really just wanted to, and there's really no good way to segue for that.
I was thinking about it all day, like, should I say something?
Should I not?
Even if I do, even if it was like this heartfelt thing, I was going to tell a
story from when I worked at Conan and I was there at 9-11.
And it was a tough return and some things that made me feel better about
providing comedy for people as a diversion from all the shit.
And even if I told that story, and it's tough to tell that story, quite
honestly, because it's emotional and sometimes I choke up.
And then it would be this weird segue to talking to a football and a slice of
pizza.
So, but in any case, here's what I did want to just now ask.
Tori, producer Tori, so you just played this thing, that countdown.
Was the audience hearing that?
Yeah, they should have heard that.
Oh, good.
So I just, because I was going to say, if not, I wanted to play that again
right now.
That was fucking great.
We could play it again if you want.
Let's, I don't know, Slice, what do you think?
Is there any way you do it in reverse so you can count up?
Count up!
I don't have that.
I don't have that prepared.
I love a count up.
Sorry, Slice.
We should think about that for a future show, Slice.
Slice is a count up with Slice.
A count up.
One, two, right?
Yeah.
I mean, the thing is, is that then you don't know when it's going to end and
that's kind
of nice because with the countdown, you're just, at four, you're like, come on.
Here it comes.
Get to the end.
Here it comes.
But when you're doing count up, you don't know when it's going to stop and
whenever it
stops, you're grateful.
Really?
You're grateful.
Okay.
Ready?
Yeah.
One, two, three, four, five.
Oh, it's a surprise.
You're grateful.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's fun.
There's an anticipation.
When's this count up going to start?
Yeah.
That's my favorite.
That's one of my, that's one of my favorite things is that L'Chaim has become
part of our
show.
So football is joining us tonight.
We, we've been telling, we're so excited for tonight because we have football
and Slice
both live in the studio for the first time and football is just running late,
but football
will be here.
Yeah.
I heard the toss has already started.
What is it?
The toss has already started?
How do you think, how do you think he gets here?
So you think it's, so you think it's a long toss.
So you think right now football is just in the air?
Yes.
And so it's this long, cause that's a long fucking toss.
I know how football's traveled.
Just how I know how I traveled here in box.
So you traveled here by box now with, but did someone trans, someone had to
transport that
box in a warm square vinyl thing.
Right.
But then I understand the box is in a warming bag, but who was it by bike?
Was it by car?
Yeah, it was, it was on an e-bike.
An e-bike.
And was it so, and were you, but you weren't pedaling or were you?
No, I was not.
I was safely with my siblings in a box.
Wow.
Your siblings.
Now, where are your siblings now?
Well, they all went to a wedding.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You're missing a wedding.
Yeah, it's okay.
Or maybe you're glad to have an excuse not to go.
Oh no, I love weddings.
I just wasn't invited.
But your siblings were?
Yep.
Weird.
Now, I don't want to pry.
It's none of my business, but do you care?
Is this something you care to elaborate on?
Are you upset?
Uh, it's, it's a long story.
Is this family?
Is it another, is it pizza?
It's, uh, my ex is getting married.
Oh my fucking God.
Wow.
Not the answer I was expecting.
I don't think any of our viewers.
Your ex is getting married?
Yep.
Is your ex a slice of pizza?
I just, uh.
Is that a stupid question?
No, I just can't, I can't.
It could be a raccoon, for all I know.
I don't think it's a raccoon.
No, I do not think so.
I do not think so.
I feel like the world of slices is.
There is a universe where I would date a raccoon.
Are you saying yes, there is, or no, there's not?
Um, hmm.
Uh, no, I would never, no.
I'd be afraid for my life.
I don't know.
I don't know, slice.
There's, I feel like the world of slices remains a mystery.
Well, I, let's just say that the ex is getting married,
and it's not to a piece of pizza, okay?
Got it.
Wow.
Human?
Another food?
Uh.
Bagel and a schmear?
Yeah.
Oh, there's my Jewish voice from New York, Jonathan, tonight.
Maybe I'll do the whole show like this tonight.
I'm actually not gonna.
I'm gonna end it right now.
Well, I'll say this.
You want to know who he's getting married to?
I mean, if you're willing to tell us.
Oh, there's the number at the bottom.
I was getting there, Tori.
Jesus Christ.
Fucking producer Tori just can't give things a chance
to let them happen organically on their own.
You gotta interrupt this bit with the fucking phone number.
Jesus, producer Tori.
Oh, sorry.
Just really excited about the jingle.
You don't want to hear the jingle?
There he is again.
Producer Tori shoehorning his stuff in there.
Here's me and Slice having a conversation,
and producer Tori is like,
but what about the thing we had planned?
I can't wait.
I have to.
Fucking relax.
We are talking about something,
and when we're done,
then I'll get to the other shit.
I mean, Tori, I do want to hear the jingle.
I do.
I do too.
We all do,
but Slice's ex is getting married.
We were about to hear to whom,
and you gotta be like,
don't you want to hear the jingle?
Shut the fuck up.
No, I do want to hear the jingle,
and it's not important who he's getting married to.
It is.
It's gossip.
It's town gossip,
and it's simple.
It's simple-minded,
not elevated like a jingle.
Oh, God.
Who is it?
Just tell us.
It's a corn on the cob.
Oh, my fucking God.
That has got to be eating you alive.
It is,
and so I'm trying to be here,
you know,
trying to be present.
I know something
that's going to take your mind off it.
What?
How about that jingle now?
Oh, yes.
I'd love to hear the jingle.
How about the jingle?
Zach, you got the...
Oh, Zach, you got...
Listen to Tori passing the buck.
Don't put the phone number up.
Passing the buck, Tori.
Gee, the nerve.
All right, so there's the number
if you want to call it.
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
1-8-1-8-8-0-4-4-4-7-8.
Office hours east.
Look, I am.
Wow.
So someone made that for us,
just took it upon themselves, right,
to make the jingle?
Well, you requested it,
you know,
the viewers,
they come through.
Did I say someone make the jingle for us?
Yeah, and you sang that.
I don't fucking remember what I do.
That's your voice.
Well, I remember singing it,
but I can't remember if I was like,
somebody did that.
I think Slice requested it,
and then you sang it.
You probably...
There we go.
Is it Steve Legault?
Yeah.
Now, I don't...
Is it Leg...
Legro.
Legro?
Yeah, Legro.
Oh, because in my notes,
which I copied and pasted from you,
it just says Legault.
L-E-G-O.
L...
Big L, small E, big G-O.
Can't argue with a copy paste.
I'm going to have to talk to my assistants about that.
Legro.
My several assistants.
Legro.
So, Steve,
first of all,
if you're watching, Steve,
thank you so much.
It's really fucking funny,
and I deeply apologize
for the fuck up on your last name.
Is it Legault?
Is it Legault?
Or is it Legault?
Is it Legault?
Is it Legro?
Is it Legault?
Feel free to let us know
if we fucked it up,
and we deeply apologize if we did,
but we are deeply appreciative
of that really fucking awesome, funny jingle.
Let's hear it again.
Call the studio.
1-8-1-8-8-0-4-4-7-8.
Office hours east.
I love it.
Well, listen,
every month the show grows.
We got the Tech Diffs hat.
Now we got a jingle.
It's fucking great, man.
Hey, where's my sock?
Well, it was a...
Do you have it here?
Do we have it, Producer Tori?
Are you chilly?
No, I just...
It's here.
I'm glad it's warm outside,
but when it gets chilly,
I want to know where it is.
It's, you know,
it's in the vault.
It's in the...
Okay.
The Slicedonian.
Oh, okay.
I know that's unprofessional rude,
but I was just chugging my seltz.
Got a lemon spindrift in here.
It is just...
That's a good flavored seltzer.
I have to say,
of all the flavored seltzers I've tried,
and this is not a plug.
I just like their stuff.
The lemon spindrift.
Mmm.
Although I got...
I don't know if you're a seltzer.
Are you a seltzer?
I was going to say guy,
but we were talking about this before the show.
Do we really...
Have we really established your gender, Slice?
Do you have a...
Do slices have genders?
It's different.
It's different for pizzas.
Got it.
Mm-hmm.
So how so?
Like...
Well, pizzas are either cheese or pepperoni.
And do you have a penis?
Do you have a vagina?
Do you have something that would be
the equivalent of that?
I have cheese.
So just cheese.
Yeah, I'm just cheese.
And can you reproduce?
I mean, people make you,
but do you make other little slices?
Now, I know you're trying to catch me in a lie here,
but I'm telling you,
here's what happens,
is I die every six weeks,
and I come back to life.
Right.
I forgot about that.
So when are you due for your next death
and then coming back to life?
And we would...
I would love to get that on camera.
That's maybe a personal...
Why is that so messed up?
That's like a snuff film.
Well, I mean, it would be just...
I would think of it as more
an educational piece of film.
Basically, it's...
It's like watching that classic footage
of that fox decaying into maggots
and time lapse.
Think of it like that.
I kind of want you to think of me
as like baby Groot.
Oh, baby Groot's so cute.
And then it grows up to Groot,
and then it goes back to baby Groot.
But how did that work?
Did like Groot was destroyed
and then all the little pieces of wood
or whatever he is,
or then they just start over again?
Okay.
I don't know if it fucking works.
Okay.
So basically...
And callers, please call in
if you can explain this better,
because honestly,
I'm going to try my best I can,
but New York Jonathan sometimes...
We're the Groot heads.
Yeah.
So basically, Groot, you know,
can only grow so old,
and then...
Oh, I didn't know that.
And then I think what happens
is that he...
He, as part of him, comes...
Can we get a caller on the line
that could explain...
Groot only grows so old.
Do any of our crew guys...
Can anyone help me, please?
Andrew, Zach, Tori, producer Tori.
Someone help me with Groot.
Well, if anyone wants to call in with that,
we can.
Maybe they could play the jingle again.
Maybe they don't remember.
Well, we can just...
Here's what I want to do.
If we get any...
Call the studio.
1-8-1-8-8-0-4-4-4-7-8
Office of Wazis...
L'chaim.
L'chaim.
L'chaim.
For the goyim.
What did you want to do?
I was going to just kind of
very abruptly segue into
the first thing I wanted to do tonight.
Just to kind of get it out of the way
because it's a special thing
that involves my daughter.
And she called in,
I don't know,