Name: Jon Daly, Time Wharp (Office Hours Live Ep 209)
Uploaded: 2022-06-16T19:17:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jon Daly, Time Wharp (Office Hours Live Ep 209)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jon Daly, Time Wharp (Office Hours Live Ep 209)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-16. Transcript available.

Jon Daly, Time Wharp (Office Hours Live Ep 209)

*music*
I mean, it makes me feel shameful and it makes me feel bad.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Let's go.
Everybody up.
I'm watching you.
If you're in the Zoom, I want you up out of your chair.
Get those hips.
Moving left to right.
Left to left to right.
Turn to the right.
What's this?
Holly Hunter in.
Raising Arizona.
Ready?
Turn to the right.
Remember?
Turn to the right.
Let's go.
Let's go.
It's summertime, baby.
And I got, I got the opposite of those summertime blues.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Blue.
What's the opposite of blue?
Red.
My ass is red.
That's right.
My ass is red.
That's right.
My finger's been up my ass all night.
And it's red as a cherry top.
That's right.
It's irritating.
Your finger's as red as a cherry top.
Shut the fuck up.
Huh?
Your finger's as red as a cherry top.
My ass is from picking it with my finger.
Shut your fucking mouth.
Now, now, now, now, now, now.
Here's my soap.
I'm gonna soap out and wash out my mouth.
Ah, shit.
All right.
Let me know when we're live, Matt.
We'll get going.
Oh, shit.
We've been live.
We've been live.
We've been live.
We've been live.
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
That's right.
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
We've been live.
Wait.
What?
About 45 minutes.
You're trying to tell me everybody heard about my red ass?
Nah, here's the thing.
Oh, damn.
Shit.
I meant to keep that just between you and me.
Oh, no.
I can't put the genie back in that bottle.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
All right, folks.
I'm just playing around.
My ass is white as it has ever been.
I ain't stood my finger up my ass all night with my long, beautiful fingernails.
Hell no.
Up my ass.
I don't talk about my ass.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah.
Did he really say I don't talk about my ass?
Yeah.
What is it?
I don't talk about my ass.
That's the one thing he doesn't brag about.
What does Jeff Gorski think?
Who does Jeff Gorski think he is?
Just my ass.
Get him up on my screen.
I'm going to race this kid to riot at.
Rip him a new one.
Rip him a new one.
This son of a bitch.
How dare you?
How dare you?
You motherfucker.
Son of a bitch.
Fuck you.
What do you think you are?
Jack fucking black now?
Go to hell.
Listen, you son of a bitch.
God damn it, Tim.
How dare you?
Who are you, Russ?
Who are you?
I'm Bleacher Jeff.
Hi, nice to see you again.
Nice to see you, Jeff.
Where are you calling in from?
I'm Chicago, baby.
Yeah.
Can't wait.
Oh, speaking of which, let me just do this.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
I'm going to be a little bit.
Yeah.
That's your deal, huh?
Jeff, I have a real to real because I'm a real guy.
That's true.
You got it.
Real man.
You got it.
You got it.
You got it.
Jeff, the Chicago fans couldn't be more excited today.
Oh, yeah.
Because not only is the Two Tims Tour hitting the Vic, which I assume you got
tickets for,
brother.
Absolutely.
Two tickets.
Do you have two tickets?
You got it.
Got two.
One plus one, yeah.
You're calling in sick because you are also going that morning.
People like Vic.
I did.
To Shuba Dooba Doos.
Shuba.
Shuba's tavern.
Shuba's tavern with these pricks.
Yep.
They're flying out.
Economy.
For an office hours live in-person brunch.
Can I get an emergency exit row tea?
It's up to you if you can have to pay for that supplement.
Yes.
Yeah, I'll be there.
I took PTO.
I'm going to be off.
I'll be there.
You took what now?
Paid time off.
PTO.
PTO.
Doug's been taking PTO for years.
We're PTO.
Doug's been taking PTO for years.
We're PTO.
Are you called Bleacher Jeff because you're in the bleachers at the Cubs game
or what?
Yeah, I'm always at the bleachers at the Cubs game, yeah.
I got season tickets.
I'm out there every day.
I know some of the players and coaches now.
It's a lot of fun.
What's the Cubs doing this season?
Horrible.
Really bad.
That's a rebuilding year for the Cubs.
We're on a nine game losing streak right now.
It's not been that fun.
What's Scottie Pippen doing?
Shut the fuck up.
What's he up to?
Hanging out probably.
That's Bulls.
Yeah, but that's Chicago.
I see he has a Bulls picture.
That's true, yeah.
There's a Bulls picture.
Right?
Why don't you Pippen down?
It's Jordan doing the layup against the Lakers in the 91 final.
There he goes.
See?
I'm not losing my mind.
It's on the garbage.
All right.
Let me just say, well, thank you, Jeff.
We'll see you in Chicago.
Maybe we'll bring you up on stage.
Stage.
Oh, I love it.
So that's Matt.
Give us the details on that big show announcement.
Oh, you got the links.
It's breaking news.
Got links in the description.
Check it out.
What's the date?
July 22nd.
July 22nd.
It's a Friday morning at noon.
It's going to be a weird vibe.
A lunch show.
Bring your soup.
You know, that's how the Beatles started, John Daly.
Oh, yeah?
Welcome to the show.
Hey, how you doing?
Finally, we have you in here.
What's going on?
Thanks for having me.
Wait.
I hate to interrupt, but we're leaving out New York.
New York.
Brooklyn.
We're doing Brooklyn.
You know what?
I'm not even going to promote it because it's a ways off.
Back to you, Tim.
I'm not even promoting the New York show at the Bell House.
Not doing it.
Okay?
Brooklyn at the Bell House on August 25th.
We will not promote that.
I'm not promoting this thing on the 25th.
It's a daytime office hours live.
You know, the Holy Trinity, Matt, special guests out the wazoo.
Luke will be there.
I'm not promoting this because it's going to sell out today.
So don't even bother trying to get tickets.
You've lost already.
You lost.
You want to give me some shit?
Chicago is like halfway sold out from pre-sale only.
So you've got to get on that.
Right.
That's why I'm not even going to bother promoting it.
It'll sell out.
Don't even come.
Hey, man.
It's going to be a madhouse.
It'll be like The Who in, where was that concert?
Famous concert where there's dozens trampled to death.
Isle of Wight?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You guys don't even know what the fuck you're talking about.
You open your mouth and shit comes out.
I hired the Hells Angels to do security.
He played at that really good.
That's famous for a good reason.
Yeah.
Crosstalk.
Find out this answer for me.
I can't hear it.
It's a famous show.
I think it's Columbus or somewhere in Ohio.
Cincinnati it is.
Oh, The Trampling.
Yeah.
Cincinnati.
It was a terrible, terrible situation.
Yeah.
Chase calls it the Cincy Stampede.
Oh, no.
Chevy Chase is on the chat.
Chevy Chase.
Yeah.
Hey, I love your work.
Do you?
In community.
Yeah.
Your big Chevy head.
Chevy head, baby.
It stinks.
He's a good guy, I've heard.
Just his personality.
I heard he's a great guy.
I just heard he's great.
Do you think Chevy ever worked with Ford, Harrison?
Ford Harrison.
Harrison, you know, comma Harrison.
Oh, my God.
Well, let me just say.
Get all the cars together and see.
I heard he did a movie with Joe Isuzu.
Ooh.
I love Joe Isuzu.
Joe Isuzu.
I like, he was on this show called Empty Nest.
Joe Isuzu.
Okay.
It's right after the Golden Girls.
Right.
Yeah.
I remember that.
What should I do?
I should introduce the show.
I think I should start the show.
Shall we start the show?
Oh, here's the thing.
Here's the thing.
Here's the deal.
John Daly's here.
He's just going to hang.
What the heck?
You are promoting something.
Let's just be honest about it.
Let's get it out of the way.
Let's get real, baby.
You got an album out.
I got an album.
I got one for all you guys.
No, I got another.
I got another.
The John Daly album.
More importantly.
Right.
Tim's got his album.
This album is coming next Friday.
I'm very excited about your album.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Let's take a look at John's album.
Here we go.
No, no, no.
We're good on that.
Let me see John's.
That's more colorful.
Here we go.
It's got pinks.
It's got pinks and blues.
That's cool.
That's full color.
A picture taken by the lovely Robin Von Swank.
Look at that.
It looks like he went through an actual.
Anybody could have taken that picture.
He hired a photographer.
I hired a photographer.
I paid her a thousand dollars.
Tim scribbled too much.
Tim just scribbled on a napkin.
This is a new picture, Tim.
I don't know when yours is from, but this is brand new.
This is from my high school days.
Oh, really?
It's thematically perfectly designed.
John, you got colored vinyl.
I don't know when yours is from, but this is brand new.
This is from my high school days.
Oh, really?
It's thematically perfectly designed.
John, you got colored vinyl?
I don't know.
I don't know when yours is from, but this is brand new.
You want colored vinyl?
I got that out the wazoo.
Are you kidding me?
How many grams is the vinyl?
You want colored vinyl?
I got the colored vinyl.
It's the heavy grams.
Oh, the 160.
It's the heavy, yeah.
They come like straight.
I got nice.
Oh, look at the insert.
Full color insert.
And it's a little funny deal here.
I don't bother with that stuff.
And then you get the baby blue vinyl.
The baby blue.
Yeah, you really don't see the slip covers.
That's the nice baby blue vinyl.
I don't bother with that stuff.
I don't bother with that stuff.
I don't bother with that stuff.
And then you get the baby blue vinyl.
Yeah, you really don't see the slip covers.
You know what?
There's nothing on those grooves, ladies and gentlemen.
It's a complete con job.
It's a blank disc.
No, it's got the songs.
It's got the songs we recorded, unless you get a dud.
You might.
But then we get, I don't know if you do the CDs.
CDs.
Yeah, we got the CDs coming out.
Actually, the CDs are very popular.
Yeah.
Nice.
People are getting the CDs now.
Well, you're going to be able to pick up my record.
Basically, you can pre-order it now.
You can get it at the record stores.
You can buy it on the road.
If you come to one of my shows coming up at timheidecker.com/live.
Just stick those old records on.
Hey!
Tom Cruise!
I'm dealing with some tech.
I'm dealing with some tech.
Don't you worry about it.
I will not be, this is very important for me to get this out, I will not be
selling any
of John Daly's albums on the road.
That would be-
I will be selling your records.
Thank you.
Yeah.
You're giving me a stack, right?
Then you'll move merch.
Yeah.
It doesn't matter what you're moving, as long as it's moving.
I'm going to move my ass, move some merch.
How's the-
Yeah.
There you go.
That's what we wanted.
Now with silver sacks, you don't see that all the time.
Yeah.
Silver sacks.
It's more of a pewter.
Yeah, it's a fine pewter.
Is it nickel?
Nickel?
It's pewter.
Oh, is it really?
Yeah.
Pewter, I nailed 