Name: Tim's COVID Bombshell, Sandy Honig, Bardia Salimi (Office Hours Live Ep 211)
Uploaded: 2022-06-30T19:13:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim's COVID Bombshell, Sandy Honig, Bardia Salimi (Office Hours Live Ep 211)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim's COVID Bombshell, Sandy Honig, Bardia Salimi (Office Hours Live Ep 211)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-30. Transcript available.

Tim's COVID Bombshell, Sandy Honig, Bardia Salimi (Office Hours Live Ep 211)

*sad music*
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What?
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What's that?
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Thursday, June 30th, 10 a.m. here.
Beautiful, hot.
Going to be a hot one today if you're following the weather in Southern
California.
I'm joined, of course, as usual, thank goodness, by the Trinity.
That includes myself as the Holy Father.
And let's see how I'm going to parse this out.
DJ Doug Pound as...
Jesus Christ.
You're a sick, sick bitch.
And that means that leaves the scraps to Victor Berger IV, the Holy Spirit.
Congratulations, Holy Spirit.
You are my Holy Spirit.
You got great spirit.
Thanks.
Don't you?
I appreciate that.
Let's get this.
We've got two bombshells today.
Two bombshells.
And, by the way, we're joined in studio by Sandy Hoeing.
Is I pronouncing that right?
Because I didn't go over it.
Hoeing.
No, it's okay.
It's Hoeing.
Hoeing.
Hoeing.
Hoeing.
Hoeing.
Well, this is the problem we have on the show, Sandy, is we have a terrible
producer, Captain
Carlin.
Thank you.
He's a terrible person.
I'll be here all night.
Thank you.
And he doesn't do his job, is what he doesn't do.
It's pretty clearly the show.
He doesn't go over the last names and spellings and pronunciations.
And so this is the mess we're in right now.
Hey.
Well, what can you do?
What can you do?
I'm not worried about it.
At these prices?
Okay.
Well, I'm just going to call you Sandy.
Hey.
Sandy.
You know the Bruce Springsteen song, Sandy?
That's what I mean, Pastor.
Sandy.
The fireworks are hailing over Little Eden tonight.
Now, the big bombshell today, folks, and I want everybody to sit on down.
We have two bombshells.
One's coming later in the show.
The bombshell that came our way last night, and the reason why things look a
little iffy,
a little off, a little weird this morning, is after experiencing a very mild
cough earlier
in the day, I did my due diligence and discovered this bombshell.
Nightmare scenario.
Worst.
We will discuss whether this is a worst-case scenario or perhaps a blessing in
disguise.
Can we see that, Matt?
Is this clear?
Loud and clear.
Very bad news, sir.
Very, very bad news.
Now, let's talk about this for a few minutes, the implications of it, and my
current state
of well-being.
Unbelievable.
Because that's where everyone's heads are at right now, is they're absorbing
this.
And people are shocked, Matt.
I can't see the Zoomers.
I assume people are shocked.
Definitely.
Shock.
Sadness.
Whole range.
How many tears are we counting?
Many.
Many tears.
Gallons.
Maybe pints.
First and foremost, I'm feeling fine.
I've got a little, what I would call, what I would say, if I hadn't tested, I
would have
said, gee, I got a little allergies, or I got a sniffle, I got a little itchy
throat.
That would have been my self-diagnosis.
But I had a meeting at the house yesterday, big meeting, big creative meeting
for a big project.
I said, you know what, before people show up, why don't I do the due diligence,
do the
respectful thing, and do a quick rapid test.
And can you imagine my shock and horror when the lines went the way they did?
Oh, you've got the pirate.
Absolute nightmare scenario.
Oh!
God damn it.
Oh!
Now, it is no secret.
Oh!
Sorry, I don't have my own soundboard, so I'm going to be doing my own.
You can just do your own.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Whatever you want, Sandy.
I'm not, so where am I?
Where am I?
I'm in an undisclosed location in my home, which is essentially disclosed at
this point.
It is an area.
This is generally, if you look behind me, if people want to know, where do your
guests go
to the bathroom?
Where do they wait when they're not on the show?
You're looking at it.
We're in it.
We're in the green room.
Sure smells good.
Obviously, it's no secret that the big tour starts next week, conveniently,
with some warm-up
shows at the Elysian Theater, we will have, there's a potential, I'll be, I'll
be, uh, Frank, listen,
could I have just taken this and put it in the trash can and just, you know,
six pence, none the wiser?
Should I have?
Should I have?
Trump pence, none the wiser.
Is that the kind of person I am?
Oh, Trump pence, none the wiser.
We all can grow and we all can learn.
Uh, no, I, I, of course, considered that.
Of course, I, I, uh, connived and mumbled with my many handlers.
What do you think we should do?
Just, uh, keep our heads down and look the other way?
Did you have a big meeting about it with your handlers last night?
Oh, it was a all-hands-on-deck situation.
You won't really believe this?
And we came to the conclusion that the right thing to do would be to get in
front of this,
to be honest, to be open, to assure my audience, to rest assured.
And now listen, the LA audience are fast asleep right now.
They are fast asleep.
These people do not get up at 10 a.m.
They are sleeping like babies, so they don't even know.
This is like a 9-11 when those big jet, jet airliners crashed into the towers
and everybody in LA was sleeping like babies.
And they woke up to the terrible news.
Waking up.
Another beautiful day in LA.
Let me just turn on the news.
What, what?
No.
As you can see, my spirits are high.
I'll say.
It's looking very likely.
I'm glad Sandy's here.
The first couple of shows.
Excuse me?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I'm saying it's great that Sandy's here because she's enjoying it.
She's laughing.
Likes the drops.
I'm laughing.
It's cool to have someone here laughing at something.
You know?
It's rare.
Hey, the sounds are making me laugh.
Well, that's what I need on the show.
I've told you this many.
I need this on the show.
I need the, like that dim pool has.
He has got that woman that just laughs and agrees with everything he says.
Come on, dude.
You need a yes woman.
Sandy.
Amen.
Throughout the show, I just need you to reaffirm whatever I'm saying.
You just go laugh and then go, yep.
That'd be great.
Okay, if I fart.
Okay.
The seasons, they do change.
I'll laugh.
And be, like, super interested in everything I have to say.
Like, very engaged.
I'll, like, sit in the corner.
I'll be very small.
And then when you guys say something funny, I'll, like, be laughing.
But then I'll go back to being quiet.
Yeah.
Well, what you can do is let's practice.
If I say, no, no, I'm not going to, I'll do it from, I'll do it from the left's
perspective.
But, you know, I could say something like the Supreme Court has overstepped
their boundaries.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no laughs.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Can we take it again?
Let's try it again.
I believe that the Supreme Court has overstepped their boundaries.
Yes, and thank you for speaking up and using your voice to elevate it.
Okay, so that's the tone we're looking for today.
Now, back to the big, back to the big COVID news.
I did sincerely believe that I was immune, that I was not going to be subject
to this plague.
And I've let everybody down.
I've let everybody down.
Every week it's something, Matt.
Last week I tried to put out an album and the Supreme Court throws out Roe vs.
Wade on the same damn day.
I get sandbagged.
Turns out I got COVID.
There you go.
We're cursed.
But, so the next week's shows are, a few of them I would think, as long as I
maintain, and I'm happy to hear people's feedback on this,
if I feel as good as I feel right now, if things deteriorate and I get very
sick, then we'll have another conversation.
That's great.
I think, I don't know, did somebody tell me, Matt, you had this, if I'm feeling
a little itchy right now, I don't have a fever.
Am I in the clear, or do I have something coming my way, a tsunami?
I think you're in the clear.
Don't they say the day before you test positive is like the height of COVID in
your system?
Is that what they say?
Here's what I know.
Well, let's talk about this, because, okay, go ahead, Sandy.
So, my mom's a doctor.
Where's my, wait, can I get a sound effect from that?
Hold on, yeah.
So, my mom's a doctor.
Wait, what the, wait, no.
Wait, say it again, say it again.
Don't request sound effects from these guys.
Just let them do their effects.
I do feel a little bit, I do feel a little bit left hanging.
I'm sorry about that.
That was my fault.
Yeah.
I was doing two things.
That's why my drop was off.
Were you, you were, you were tweeting about the Supreme Court?
Doctor, doctor.
Thank you.
Okay, so, here's what she said.
Wait, what day of symptoms are you on?
Day two.
Day two.
And you already tested positive?
Yeah.
That's crazy.
So, here's, let me give you the whole story.
Yes, give us a timeline.
This is, this should be, this has to be acknowledged.
Monday, I go and get the second booster at the CVS.
Great, great experience.
Monday, really?
This Monday?
Yeah.
This Monday, I get the booster.
I think it's come from the booster.
Knowing that I've got a big tour coming up and I want to be fortified and ready.
So, Monday's the booster.
I don't have any side effects from the booster.
I've never had side effects from any of the vaccine things.
Tuesday, I do, Tuesday I test and I'll tell you why.
I tested because I was going to do Tom Sharpling's show, the best show, which I
did on Tuesday night.
And then I was going to a friend's little birthday event, a very small
gathering, and he requested that I test.
And so, I tested on Tuesday, no COVID, negative.
Okay.
Woke up the next day with a little tightness in my chest, was waiting for it to
pass, didn't pass, in the afternoon, took the test on Wednesday, got positive.
So, Sandy, speak.
So, I would say if you don't have a fever yet, that's a good sign.
Good sign.
And once again, this is all secondhand information that I am giving.
You're not a doctor.
I'm not a doctor, but my mom plays one in my life.
And so, okay, if you don't have a fever yet, good vibes.
And if this is your, okay, you started feeling sick Tuesday, you say.
No, wait.
Mildly.
Mildly.
It's like, it's like.
No, I started feeling sick Wednesday morning.
Oh, Wednesday morning.
What day is it?
Today's Thursday.
Thursday.
Okay.
So, it's fully raging at him right now.
Or it's yet, the worst is yet to come.
I say keep an eye on it.
Check your temperature.
I certainly will.
Personally, I say keep an eye on it.
Are you, are you, uh, keeping away from your family?
Are you letting it rip?
Well, this is the other thing.
No, my, my, I, yesterday I took my family to the airport, uh, for the weekend.
And they were going up to, uh, Oh, Canada for, to visit my wife's, uh, family.
Oh, I thought it was like, I got COVID kids to the airport, fly them out.
Oh, no, I, you know what I did?
That's a good one.
I drove, not to Burbank folks, to LAX.
I drove my family to the airport.
That's pretty cool.
Windows up.
With COVID.
It's a big move.
No, I didn't know I had COVID.
I was not, I was in the dark on this.
So, they're super spreading in that spirit airline right now.
I super spread like crazy recently.
I didn't know.
I had the same thing.
I felt sick.
Listen, listen, you know how much I hate the COVID talk?
It's boring.
Mm-hmm.
And I don't want to dwell on this.
I will take a Zoomer with their first reactions, Matt.
Are you ready?
Hey, are you ready for this?
Let's talk to Parker Shields.
Parker Shields, you have a reaction for us?
Let's go!
I have COVID, too.
Oh.
Hmm.
Well, this isn't about you.
Okay.
I mean, how arrogant.
Turns out I got COVID.
No, condolences.
How are you feeling?
I'm feeling much better.
I had a rough maybe 48 hours a few days ago, but I'm on the up and up now.
Good.
I'm happy to have 48 hours of roughness.
I don't even have that.
I feel like I would, like I said, I feel like I have an allergy or something
like that.
So pray.
Let's all pray.
Now I believe in God for the time being, and I'll reverse that opinion later.
But no.
A