Name: John Early, Sebastian Murphy of Viagra Boys (Office Hours Live Ep 212)
Uploaded: 2022-07-07T19:13:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'John Early, Sebastian Murphy of Viagra Boys (Office Hours Live Ep 212)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'John Early, Sebastian Murphy of Viagra Boys (Office Hours Live Ep 212)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-07. Transcript available.

John Early, Sebastian Murphy of Viagra Boys (Office Hours Live Ep 212)

Uh-oh.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
I got them.
$1.9 trillion relief so far.
My knobs are a bit antiquated.
We're waiting.
Well, we're waiting.
I get it.
What?
What?
What?
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
What?
I like having fun.
I like to laugh.
I like to meet people who can make me laugh.
Daffer's Creper's Creper's.
Yes, I like that.
Ladies and gentlemen, live from Glendale, California.
It is Office Hours Live with your host, Tim Heidecker.
That's me.
It's July 7th, 2022, and it is 10 a.m. here on the West Coast.
We have so much great show in store for you ahead of you.
We're going to get into it.
We're going to get your Zooms and hotline calls throughout the show.
I'm joined, of course, as always, almost always, oftentimes, somebody's sick,
somebody can't
come in, somebody's in Spain, who knows why they don't come in.
But for today, on this day of days, July 7th, the dog days of summer, we have
with us DJ
Doug Pound.
I've asked Doug officially to remove the Michael Jackson visor.
He has refused.
And this is not a dictatorship.
I have only so much, there's only so much I could do, but let me go on record
and think
that I would just suggest and get on the record and say, I find Michael Jackson's
behavior
before he passed to be deplorable.
I don't take it lightly.
Speaking of, we have Vic Berger IV as well.
This is very disrespectful.
Hey, hello.
He's also chosen to align with the axis of evil.
The original axis of evil, Deutschland, Japan, and Italy.
I like the pierogies.
Germans are not known for their pierogies.
That's Polish.
Yeah, dumb bunny.
You know, dumb bunny?
Yeah, dumb bunny.
That's a Pennsylvania Dutch thing.
Yeah, dumb bunny.
And pumpkin.
The car guy, AB Car Sales Pumpkin.
Yeah, I do.
He was huge.
Yeah, rest in peace.
He looked like a giant pumpkin.
Yeah.
And Elmer was his buddy, I think it was.
Yeah.
Homer.
And they did commercials for furniture stores as well.
Right.
They started just freelancing.
He said, I remember those guys from the A and E, A, B Car?
A, B, E, Car Sales.
A, B, E, Car Sales.
Like, wait a minute.
Now they're doing furniture commercials, too.
Moving up.
This is local Pennsylvania stuff here, folks.
Wake the fuck up!
Listen, I also want to thank and acknowledge and show respect towards Captain
Carlin, who's
joining us, as always.
Thank you.
Thank you for keeping us on schedule and on track.
And we've got a really, really special guest in the studio.
It would be odd to say he would be doing stand-up, because literally, he's
lying down.
And of course, I'm talking about John.
Not late.
Oh, he's early.
Hi, guys.
Matt is the captain.
So late.
Right on, John.
It's so late.
I'm blushing from the R. Kelly.
Okay.
We also don't endorse.
No.
You don't have any R. Kelly apparel on, do you?
No, I heard...
But my body.
My body.
Son of me.
Yeah.
Why is my record so prominently displayed by you?
That wasn't on purpose.
No, get that out of there.
Are you kidding me?
By the way, let me just quote a tweet from you.
I don't have it in front of me.
Oh, my God.
Tim, don't.
I knew I was going to...
You know what?
This is what he said.
And you're on the record.
I said, I can't wait to listen.
So here's the question.
Have you listened?
Have you given it a listen, John?
Tim, no!
Well, then it sounds like you can wait.
I don't listen to music generally.
I clean in silence.
Oh, my God.
How disrespectful.
You can't give it a listen.
Tim, I'm really sorry.
Listen, I knew that promotionally...
I'm going to make you listen.
Tim and I both have projects that came out on the day of Roe v. Wade being
overturned.
I know.
So I knew you could use that bump even, but I knew I had to be honest, too.
I was going to go, you guys, oh my...
Yeah.
You know.
Well, I'm going to make you listen.
I'm going to sit you down.
Because sometimes that's what it takes.
I want to get blazed and listen.
Do that.
No, with you.
Unbelievable.
I got the edibles.
I got the gummies.
I got the vape pens.
Okay, cool.
So John's here.
Of course, he wanted to get that plug in that his show.
Would it kill you to laugh?
I didn't even mean to.
You did.
Okay.
You did mean to because that's why you're here.
You're not here out of camaraderie, friendship, the spirit of laughter and
humor
that we both...
I used to think you cared about, and now I don't know.
Yeah, yeah.
Totally.
Fair.
I am in such a good position for laughter, I have to say.
Well, let us talk about your position.
Yeah.
Let's acknowledge for the fans.
Because we care about you, and I think the audience out here is excited to see
you on
the show.
I hope so.
They're probably going, who?
No.
They are.
Tim, people are wanting to know if your COVID's gone, because you are unmasked.
I am.
Tested negative yesterday.
Nice.
Cleared.
Guess who's back?
Guess who's back?
Guess who's back?
Guess who's back?
And according to guidelines established by the CDC that I have...
We have a five-day period of isolation, which I happily agree to.
More than a bit.
I did more than, yeah.
Seven days.
Yes.
Technically.
So I am healthy, happy, clear.
You just recently had a spout of it.
I did.
My first time.
A serious spout of it.
You had a little drizzle of it.
I did the whole site, man.
And...
At the end of the day, I'm not going to stop me to partying.
Shut the fuck up.
Huh?
I'm great.
Shut the fuck up.
No, listen.
Let me just get a little inside baseball here with you.
We...
Drinking coffee like this.
It's hard to get together these days, folks.
It's hard to make plans.
We're always traveling.
We're always busy.
Oftentimes, we simply just don't want to.
But we had, I would say, a couple months ago, had plans.
For a major dinner.
You and Claudia and Gordon, your partner, came over.
And...
You can say boyfriend.
It's diminishing.
I honestly prefer...
Not a partner.
Yeah.
Boyfriend.
Lover.
Lover.
Boy toy.
Underage, by the way.
This kid, 13 he is.
I brought him over to my house.
I said, John, what are you doing?
Oh, my God.
I love you, too.
My point above 18.
No, he's full adult.
He's your...
How old is he compared to you?
He's a year younger.
That is...
Which is hard.
You're only 18.
But that gap can be hard.
Yeah, because you guys have different...
It's crazy.
Different experiences in high school.
Totally.
Vietnam and...
Yeah.
We had a wonderful dinner at my house.
You were there, Gordon, Claudia, my wife.
Gordon Ramsey.
I want to be Gordon Ramsey.
Your boyfriend is Gordon Ramsey.
Yeah, Gordon Ramsey.
Hello, food fans.
How do you do it so fast?
Was that pre-programmed?
Oh, this whole thing is pre-taped.
Okay.
It's all scripted.
It's all pre-taped.
Anyways, you came over.
I made my famous...
My cousin Kalou's famous eggplant parmesan,
which you can find in her book, Kalou Cooks.
Listen, you chipped idiot.
All right, chill.
That was Gordon Ramsey.
Oh, okay.
Just wanted to know.
Had a great dinner, and you, of course...
It was divine.
Tim's eggplant parm is divine, you guys.
And you brought over a Basque cheesecake.
Yeah, didn't make it.
Delicious cheesecake.
No, you brought it over.
And you wanted to repay the favor.
Repay the favor?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Return the favor?
Yeah.
Invited me over.
You were very excited about it.
Les was a couple weeks ago.
The news comes in.
And I'm waiting for these plans to fall apart.
You know I'm ready for it.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm bracing for...
Oh, honey, I could tell.
...the plans to go south.
Yeah, yeah.
Because it's easy to make plans.
Yeah.
And it also is easy to break plans.
Yeah, yeah.
So anyways...
Were you so excited about just the clear,
the unambiguous negative...
I mean, positive test?
Me?
Yeah.
Excited?
Yeah, just the joy of cancellation, though.
I mean...
Oh, well, if it wasn't...
It caused a lot of ripples and problems
with this tour I'm doing, you know?
Oh, sorry.
But not terribly.
We had to cancel the first two shows out of safety.
Oh, no.
Where were they?
Out of an abundance of...
Oh, just L.A.
Just L.A.
They've seen...
Yeah.
This is the number...
This is the second biggest city in America.
Oh, who cares?
We're fucking queens.
You do this funny thing and you are such a big personality.
Oh!
But let me just...
You can just say gay, okay?
But let me just finish my thought.
Let me just finish...
I'll get to this real quick.
Those...
We had dinner plans at your place.
You write me.
You and Claudia, who apparently is the other partner in your life.
I mean, yeah.
Recently...
You spent a lot of time.
Yeah.
You guys come down with it both.
Oh, right.
I forgot the first chapter.
And then cancel the dinner plans.
We reschedule for a week later.
Yeah.
Then I get it.
Yeah.
And we have to cancel again.
So we're never having dinner.
It's not going to happen.
But you have a funny...
Your personality shines all the way through to even your text messages.
Where I say, like, oh, I'm worried.
Too bad.
And Claudia was very nice.
She said, I'm sorry.
You have to cancel these shows.
You go, oh, honey, no one's coming to your shows.
How do you do that line?
Like, if I say, oh, I had to cancel these first couple of shows.
Oh, honey, no one's coming to your shows.
No, I think that's actually more deadpan.
I think I would, in my heart of hearts, do a little like, oh, honey.
Yeah.
Like, it's so sweet that you think people care.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, no one's coming to your show.
Yeah, it's more of that.
Yeah, it's a shock.
That's it.
Yeah.
See, everybody has their thing.
And you're almost there.
You're going to figure it out, Tim.
Yeah.
See?
It's a few more years.
You're just shocked into servitude at the moment.
So much going on.
Now, hold on.
Can we acknowledge why I'm laying down?
Oh, God.
Did we just skip over that?
Yeah.
We did.
You're...
I had back surgery.
You're waiting for me to give it to you?
No.
Okay.
Kinda.
Kinda.
I had back surgery, and I'm fine, but it really helps to just lay down.
And, ladies, let me tell you a hint.
Okay?
This is so real.
If you have back...
Guess who's back.
Back.
Back.
Back again.
Okay.
If you have...
If you have back pain, if you put your feet up in a 90-degree position like
this...
I don't know if the folks at home can see, actually.
But I have my feet up.
Yeah.
My legs are in a chair.
You want to get a better shot of this?
That's more of a 20...
That's more of a 40-degree...
Oh, you got...
There you go.
With all due respect.
And are you just posting that to Instagram?
No, no.
I'm gonna do that.
It's my question.
Yeah, right?
We're gonna throw it up on the screen here.
But all I'm saying is 90 degrees like this, it puts your spine in a completely
neutral state,
so there's no compression gang.
And that's what I have to do right now.
That's just what I have to do.
But is there a way for you to heal?
How are you healing?
What are you doing to restore your...
Because you can't just live like this.
Well, or can I?
Who are you, Brian?
I had my house turned so that I just tilted.
It's normal now.
But no, I basically, like, I can't bend, lift, or twist for three months.
I can't bend, lift, or twist for three whole months.
Bend, lift, and twist for three whole months.
Let's do the John Early dance.
We're gonna bend, lift, and twist all night long.
We're gonna bend, lift, and twist all night long.
Tim, you should make a song and capitalize on that.
I know.
Don't bend, but it's more about don't.
If you wanna hear your back, just do what I say.
You can't bend, lift, or twist, or you will turn out gay.
Oh, well, no.
Come on.
Sorry.
But that would be funny, a song that's like, to tell you what not to do.
Yeah, a dancing number.
Big X's over people that are doing it.
Don't bend, don't lift, don't twist.
Don't bend, lift, or twist, or you're gonna turn gay.
Is this, how's this angle?
Because classically, you don't wanna be on the ground.
Right.
But I think it's fine.
Well, let me ask this question over to John Galantini over there in London,
England.
Who, there's a big pop quiz for John Galantini, who famously recorded one of
their hit songs while lying with his back on the ground.
John?
John Galantini.