Name: Office Hours Live from Chicago w/ Steve Albini, Fire-Toolz (Ep 214)
Uploaded: 2022-07-22T20:37:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live from Chicago w/ Steve Albini, Fire-Toolz (Ep 214)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours Live from Chicago w/ Steve Albini, Fire-Toolz (Ep 214)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-22. Transcript available.

Office Hours Live from Chicago w/ Steve Albini, Fire-Toolz (Ep 214)

We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
And I get up, I go to the front of the bus where there's like a little
breakfast nook area.
And I like to have my little morning cup of coffee and my little water and just
sit there and look out the window as we roll past the country.
The other day, the other day, the other day, the other day, the other day, the
other day, the other day, I get up in the bus and Vic is splayed out on the
couch, fast asleep, snoring away.
What time was this, and I'm like, what's the other day, and I'm like, what's
the other day, and I'm like, what's the other day, and I'm like, what's the
other day, and I'm like, what's the other day, and I'm like, what's the other
day, and I'm like, what's the other day, and I'm like, what's the other day,
and I'm like, what's the other day, and I'm like, what's the other day, and I'm
like, what's the other day, and I'm like, what's the other day?
The audience, you should see the crowds when Vic comes out.
It's a big, exciting experience for you.
The thing is, like, we go up, and there's, like, so much, there's a lot of good
energy, and, like, it's so fun with the music.
I just want to keep going.
Yeah.
And I have all this energy, so now I've been going out for walks in the middle
of the night.
Like, I went around St. Paul the other night, nothing was happening.
Yeah.
Nothing at all.
I don't want to do anything after the show.
I just want to, like, sit and stare at the wall.
I want to play more.
I heard that if you take a bath, that's the way that rock stars calm down after
a show, to take a bath.
Okay.
We don't have a bath on the bus.
You can get a bathtub put in there.
Something did happen last night at the show that was so interesting to me and
curious.
By the way, hello to everybody watching at home.
This is a live broadcast on the, right, Matt?
Is that all working?
Oh, yeah.
We should test out the Zoomers and see if that works.
Say hi to somebody.
Yeah, see if this will be fun, innovation.
Sean, you got something?
Sean Higgins?
Hey, hey, can you hear me?
Loud and clear, buddy.
Look at this, folks.
All right.
Hey, so I wanted to share something with you in the audience, if that's all
right.
There's a competition going on.
Top 10 Chicago Yells.
Oh.
So I wanted to tell folks about it a little bit.
A little bit of a story.
Basically, back in June, some friends and I, we wanted to make a road trip.
Wait, what am I, turkey dinner?
Oh, geez.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
And where the hell's your ceiling fan, man?
Come on.
Oh, yeah, it's just this guy.
It's just this guy.
Yeah, no fan to speak up.
Very bad for air ventilation, circulation.
Yeah, we got that guy.
But, you know, he helps.
Yeah, not much of a ceiling fan situation up here in Michigan, unfortunately.
I want to hear the screams.
Get to the screams again.
We do our best.
We do our best.
Yeah.
But, yeah, I won't waste, I won't spend too much time on the whole story.
Too late.
Oh, geez.
All right, all right.
Yeah.
You know, we're taking yells for folks.
If people got a good yell, they want to submit from Chicago.
They think they've got a fun yell.
Do you guys have a unified yell that Chicago people do?
No?
Yeah.
Go Bulls.
Let's get a Go Bulls.
No more.
No more.
Yeah.
All right, go back to your Call of Duty, dude.
I don't want to hear you anymore.
Thanks, Sean.
No, all right.
So he never got to the end of the point of his whole call, huh?
Oh, no.
Oh, shoot.
I mean, do you want me to?
What will we do?
Sean's still talking.
How'd that happen?
I thought we said bye, Sean.
Bye, Sean.
Are you just going to dip the Sinatra's Chicago song in without any fanfare?
Are you just going to weave it in?
I think that deserves a little more attention.
You guys want to hear it?
Um, my kind of town, Chicago, is my...
No, I want to address something.
So last night in Madison, yeah, there was a couple.
Are they here?
Do you know who you are?
You were wearing a duck hat?
Yeah, this guy right here.
Get up here.
Come here.
I want to talk to you.
This guy's in trouble.
Somebody's about to get their very first office hours suspension.
Get up here on the stage, motherfucker.
Good.
Sit right there.
What's your name now?
Charles.
Charles?
Sure it is.
So you and your...
Is that your wife or girlfriend?
I'm just here with her.
You're just a friend?
Yes.
Okay.
So Charles here.
Comes to the VIP.
Wearing this dumb-as-hell duck hat.
That was a comedy hat.
May respect.
It came from a dead fella's house.
It came from a dead fella's house?
Okay.
So Charles, very nice at the Q&A.
I don't remember...
He asked me a question.
I don't remember what it was,
but it was probably respectful.
It didn't stick out to me as inappropriate.
Good.
There he is, sitting in the second row.
And I recognize him,
because he's wearing the fucking duck hat, right?
And no issues.
He's during the stand-up segment.
Stand-up segment's fine.
The music segment starts,
and we do a couple of slow,
kind of quiet songs,
beautiful acoustical songs.
And he's there,
chit-chatting with his friend,
like full volume.
Just doing one of these.
He's like...
And I'm just trying to...
I don't want to make it...
I don't want to ruin the show for everybody else.
I'm just trying to be cool.
Trying to look the other way.
And you're chit-chatting away,
like you've never been in public before.
And then...
And then, folks,
three or four songs in,
they get up and leave.
Disgraciado.
So, no.
I want to know,
what happened?
Why did you leave?
Uh, she was hungry.
You couldn't wait?
What?
What?
Wait, okay,
now you've got to get up here.
Goodbye, thank you.
I've never met a girl
that you tried to date.
But a year to make love,
she wanted you to wait.
Let me tell your story.
Principal Heidecker is in session.
Vice Principal Heidecker.
The way that I met her was on tour.
How hungry must thou be?
How hungry must thou be?
Please don't do this to me.
I love you, Tim.
Well, that...
I would just like an apology.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
I love the Trinity.
I love everybody.
But why...
You were so hungry
that you couldn't make it
another 40 minutes for the...
I don't want to get into
health issues right now.
Oh, okay.
You've got health issues, fine.
Give me a hug.
Give me a hug, man.
Big, big.
Thank you.
Hello, man.
It really...
It really rattled me, though,
because I was just like...
VIPs who have traveled from where?
Kentucky?
I like cucumbers.
Traveled from Kentucky
and then leave during the music set.
I'm like, well, that's it for me,
I guess.
I just...
Nobody cares about...
Nobody cares about little old Tim.
A little bit of salt goes on the ball.
Why don't we do
the city of the day real quick?
Oh, that's all play.
The city of the day is sponsored by
Tube Bottoms for Men.
Attention men, are you sick of wearing
wife beaters in this hot summer weather?
Don't you wish there was a sexier option?
Well, now there is.
Introducing Tube Bottoms for Men.
These seductive tubes wrap around your belly,
beer belly,
teasing lookers on
and highlighting your orbed shape.
Plus, they're not only eye-catching,
but they're also practical.
Cargo pockets,
hammer loops,
and barbecue sauce,
wiping...
Sorry.
Let me read this again.
Hammer...
Hammer loops...
Oh, okay.
And barbecue sauce wiping patches
are some of the options available.
So, come on, guys.
Start turning heads
and get yourself
some Tube Bottoms for Men.
Available at Bass Pro Shops
and Big O Tires.
Doug, you keep writing
yay into these
and I don't want to read yay.
Can you just say...
Give me a yay.
Come on.
Yay!
And now,
Doug and Vic
will perform
the Tube Bottoms for Men jingle
that they wrote
only an hour ago.
Tube Bottoms for Men.
Tube Bottoms for Men.
Tube Bottoms for Men.
You can look real good.
Wow.
You only wrote that
an hour ago?
Come back again.
All right.
We have a very special guest.
Well, we got our
City of the Day first, right?
Oh, the City of the Day.
It's got to be Chicago, no?
Oh, Tim.
No, I think it could be
a Zoomer.
A Zoomer?
Ashlyn, what happened?
Are you there?
Yeah, I'm there.
What's your name?
Hello.
Ashlyn.
I just separated it.
I love your fake house.
Thank you.
This is
Frasier's house.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
And my City of the Day
is close
to the fictional
Frasier's house.
It's
Wenatchee
Washington.
Would you like a fact?
Wenatche
bocce ball.
George Washington.
George Washington.
It's
Wenatchee
is the
original name,
but
everybody says
Wenatchee.
Who cares?
It's a little
Isn't that cute?
Isn't that nice?
So that's just
like a little
Midwest pocket
of Washington State
or something
that all the Chicago
people migrated to?
I don't know.
Unbelievable.
I think it's more
Midwest.
All right.
Well, you've just
made the
case that Vic's
been arguing
to get rid
of the city
of the day
now for
Let's go.
Very well.
Well, thank you
very much
for calling in.
I do have
a small joke, too.
Small jokes.
We love small jokes.
What
are Heidecker's
favorite
potato chip?
What are Heidecker's
favorite?
Well, there's
the Tim's brand.
Yeah.
That's it?
That's what I had.
That's it?
Yeah, and then
I got a nice
frinkle for you
because I know
you love frinkles.
Wow.
Bruh.
Don't
I wouldn't try
that joke
on unsuspecting
people.
Very inside joke.
Not really a joke.
Not really a joke.
No.
Very small.
Yeah, very,
very small.
Tell you, Tim,
what's Vic's
favorite VapoRub?
Oh, Doug.
What brand
But you can't
say the name
in the setup.
What's Mr.
Burger's favorite?
You have to say Burgers.
Mr. Burgers.
There you go.
We've got a
great product.
It's Vic's
VapoRub.
It's like vapes
that you can blow
onto your kids
to open up their
sinus.
Oh, I was
thinking Vic's
CapoRub.
It's for the
capo.
Tim, I got you
a gift, by the way.
Oh, yeah.
By Ash.
I need a new
hat.
You like hats?
I got you a hat.
Oh, America's
scariest motel,
the clown motel.
Yes.
Yeah, you sent
pictures of that.
Or you posted
pictures.
Do you have any
pictures of that
that you could
send to Matt
to show this
fucking clown hotel?
I mean, come on.
Let's look at,
well, we should
bring up our
special guest.
Yeah, let's
bring him up.
You don't want
to look at photos
of Mike.
This guy is,
I think,
synonymous with
Chicago more than
even that Harry
Carey.
Is that his
name?
Right?
That guy.
Who else is
from Chicago?
That's it,
Dennis France.
The band
Chicago.
The band
Chicago's not
from Chicago,
are they?
It's a little
on the nose.
No, this guy
is a legend,
a genius,
and from what
I can tell,
a pretty nice
guy, Mr.
Steve Albini,
ladies and
gentlemen.
The great
one.
Holy cow!
Wowee!
Holy cow!
Steve Albini,
standing ovation
for Steve Albini,
I would think.
That's more
like it.
Matt Cubswin!
Cubs win!
Cubs win!
Cubs win!
Cubs win!
Cubs win!
Play ball!
Need a mic tech
here for you?
Are you okay?
You can take it off
if you want to do that.
You can do whatever
you want.
Okay.
How are the sound
levels?
Pression on things?
You know what?
Everybody has to
start somewhere.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, Mr. Albini,
Steve, how many people
here are so pathetic
and ill-informed
that they're not sure
who this guy is?
Is anybody here even not?
Yeah, of course.
Look, who doesn't know?
Duckhead.
Old Duckhead.
I have a great friend,
Brett Grossman,
who is a veterinarian
but previously worked
at one of Chicago's
outstanding record stores,
Reckless Records,
with my wife,
Heather Winnin now,
then girlfriend,
and they were friends.
They used to go see
movies all the time
and Brett Grossman
carried with him
at all times
a duck call
for heckling purposes.
Right.
And he was relaying
this story
at a barbecue
the other day
and today is my birthday.
I don't know
if you've been in front.
But...
Holy cow!
My good friend,
John San Paolo,
was at that barbecue
and overheard
the story
of the duck call
and he gifted me
with my own duck call
and so I now
have a duck call
which I intend
to carry with me
for life
for heckling purposes.
Well, you can't just
show the duck call.
I've been working
on a little piece.
Ye