Name: Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 13 7/23/22)
Uploaded: 2022-07-24T02:38:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 13 7/23/22)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 13 7/23/22)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-24. Transcript available.

Office Hours East with New York Jonathan (Ep 13 7/23/22)

Music playing.
Music playing.
Music playing.
Music playing.
Music playing.
The show starts in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, go.
Music playing.
Okay, now you may not know it.
It may not look like it.
I know everything looks normal here.
I just got here about two minutes ago.
Thought I thought I might have to fill in for five minutes or so and stall, as
they say.
I think that's showbiz lingo football, yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
I was, Tori and I, producer Tori and I, we were ready.
We were ready to stall for the full show.
We had a whole show planned.
Really, what was, well, just to give everybody some context, I had a couple
hours ago, my wife was out on Long Island.
We shoot in New, we film in New York and in Brooklyn.
We also shoot in New York, am I right?
Guns are out of control.
Oh, not funny.
Right.
But you got to laugh to survive this world.
Anyway, so she was out on Long Island.
L'chaim.
L'chaim, picking up my daughter.
You know what, that's just, the world right now just needs a L'chaim button.
L'chaim.
Right?
When you're just like, when things are like fucked, L'chaim.
Because it means to life, right?
I think.
Yeah.
Doesn't even Milton Berle say that on the clip, producer Tori, like, L'chaim,
when he's fucking.
L'chaim means to life.
My uncle got 22 L'chaim.
That's a classic.
L'chaim.
My uncle got 22 L'chaim.
Yeah.
So anyway, so she was picking up my daughter, Freddie, who you know from
Freddie's Minute,
who was out at camp and on the drive home on the Long Island Expressway, got a
fucking flat tire.
And thankfully, they were able to pull off and find a roadside gas station.
But for a bit, I thought, oh, I'm going to have to go get them.
We weren't sure how that was going to go.
So I called producer Tori and I said, look, I think I have to cancel tonight.
I have to drive out to pick up my wife and my daughter and they have a friend,
my daughter's friends with them.
So it was a lot of figuring it out.
And then we were deciding maybe football can just host at the top, maybe field
because we don't have Slice tonight.
Slice has been burning the candle at both ends and needed the night off.
I think Slice might call in.
But anyway, so then it all worked out where they were able to call a tow truck
and drop the car to dealership.
And then we have some friends that live like within 30 minutes or so of where
they broke down, thankfully.
They're in an Uber right now to the friends and they're going to spend the
night and I'll get up and borrow a friend's car and go pick them up in the
morning and then we'll go back out to get the car on Monday.
So could have been worse.
That's all I'm focusing on.
I'm not going to get annoyed or pissed off about all that other shit because
thankfully it worked out.
But fuck the Long Island Expressway.
This happened to us in May.
We drove to the same friends on Memorial Day and got a fucking flat on the Long
Island Expressway.
It's just tons of potholes.
We have a lot of friends that live out there and fuck the fucking Long Island
Expressway.
It's a lie that it's express, right?
Nice.
L-I-E, baby.
Classic.
I'm telling you, we were ready.
We were ready to do the show.
Well, tell me what was discussed.
I know you were probably, like, my idea was, all right, football can just, like,
take some phone calls.
I figured football could just explain to everybody what happened, maybe take
some phone calls, do whatever.
Yeah.
Did you guys have some other plans?
Well.
Real quick, I got my, I had dinner earlier.
I didn't get to finish my bubble tea.
That's what's in here.
And I have a, you know, a metal bubble tea straw.
So I don't have to, but they fucking keep sending.
I keep telling them no straws, no utensils for the takeout and they send them.
But I do have this and I can just take the wrapped straw back.
So that's what's in here.
And then I got a seltz.
I got a seltz in my, in my water, other water bottle.
It keeps the bubbles.
The Yeti keeps the bubbles.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Got the tapioca balls in there.
It's a little sweet, though.
Isn't it?
I might not drink it.
My son and I got one.
He was like, these are too sweet.
And I agree with him.
I thought they're always sweet.
It's too sweet, though.
And we've had them where you can order less sugar.
I think we've got to just do that next time.
We've got to do less sugar, no straws.
Oh, man.
It's a lot of shit going on tonight.
And it's also, who gives a shit?
Yeah.
It's like next to nothing as far as problems go.
Yeah.
Anyway, so I got here right before.
And here we go.
But yeah, so what were you saying?
Were you guys, did you guys have any other plans?
Or were you just going to shoot the shit?
We were going to shoot the shit.
I reached out to some podcasters that I knew for some tips.
Oh, nice.
I was going to maybe read some of those tips.
Sweet.
We can still read them if you want.
Yeah.
All right.
What were some off the top of your head?
Well, I heard make sure that a producer from This American Life hears your
first show
and then boosts it.
Because then they boosted on This American Life and then...
I guess.
Is that the audience we want?
Is that the audience we're going for?
By the way, I'm wearing...
I've always thought...
Or not always, but lately thought...
I threw my cycling cap on because I ride my bike here.
Here's my helmet.
You can sometimes see...
Cut to the wide.
You see my bike.
It's always, I think, in the shot.
And it's still pretty fucking disgusting here in New York.
But I decided...
I did bring my Tech Diffs hat, but it's like a wool blend.
It's super fucking warm down in this studio where we are.
We should actually try to maybe keep the show tight tonight.
Yeah.
Because it's nasty down here.
So I thought, you know, the Tech Diffs hat's too gross.
I don't even need to wear a hat, but I like hats.
It's a life diffs situation.
So I threw this very breathable...
I gotta say, the brim is like the opposite of the brim.
From last show.
Yeah.
Went from a long brim to a teeny brim.
I'm a teeny brim.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
I'm a brim.
Oh, God.
A brim.
I'm a little brim.
I'm just a little brim.
Maybe what we'll do, we should start putting all the hats.
We should get some hooks and just put all the hats.
Maybe you start doing a new hat for every show.
That can be our gimmick.
Yeah.
And then so you get a new hat every show, and then you'll see the old hats.
And so we fill the wall with hats, and when there's no more room, then the show's
done.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hats off to that idea.
I'm on fire.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Love it.
I'm literally on fire.
It's boiling down here.
It's fucking...
Well, you know, you're a football, you're leather.
Yeah.
But you know what?
For the sake of all involved down here, let's just keep this a tight show.
Let's keep it tight.
Let's keep it tight.
Wow, it's fucking nasty in here.
Even I called Tori.
I'm like, how's the studio?
It's not bad.
It's terrible.
Yeah, well, we had to turn off all the fans.
Yeah, I was going to say, we could just run all the fans.
I think we should.
But I think that'll be funny if it's just loud.
Let's try it.
I was actually thinking that before.
It's going to sound like shit.
It's going to sound terrible.
Let's not do that.
Should we at least see?
Did you guys try and see?
Or is it going to be too loud?
Oh, yeah.
We've had...
Until we were ready to go, we had them all.
I mean, this is, I think, un...
I was going to say unbearable.
We could do it for the sake of this.
We could do it for one set.
We could do it for just a second.
We could have...
We could turn everything on.
So the fans can hear the fans.
I don't actually think this is sustainable for an entire show.
This is rough.
Just take it off, man.
We could go shirtless, but that's not...
I don't think that's...
I mean, it is an option.
Hey, is there enough football that you like shirts and skins?
Right.
You could just do skins.
Skins and skins.
God damn, it is pretty rough in here.
Well, let's just...
Let's keep moving and see where we end up.
I mean, maybe we'll just decide...
We could just, like, shoot the shit for a little bit and save all of this.
Although next show is going to still be August.
Disgusting.
I mean, you guys came up with great bits.
We did come up with great bits.
You could say that about every show, though, really.
You could say that about every single show.
Every time you watch the show, you're going to walk away going,
God, they came up with great bits?
They came up with great bits.
They fucking did it again.
Yep.
But if we skip all the bits, then you can't say it this show.
You know what?
I'm going to be curious by the end of the show.
Here's my arm position.
Maybe I'll take a photo.
If there's just going to be either, like, a wood stain in here or just sweat
here,
like a sweat stain like this.
Or also if, like, you have to peel it off and it's going to make a noise.
Maybe I'll just do this and keep my elbows...
Oh, just the less skin on this table, the better.
This is fucking...
Anyway, let's stop talking about how horrible it is.
You know what, football?
Don't take this the wrong way.
I'm not flirting, but you have a cute laugh.
I like that little...
That was cute.
It was like a snicker.
Aw.
Anyway, so that was why I got here when I did.
And I guess you were going to give some more tips.
But should we just get into the show?
Let's get into the show.
Let's fucking, like, let's keep this tight tonight.
I just want to mention that Kim, once again, fan Kim, donated whatever
Australian money is,
which I don't know, it's $30.99, which is really nice.
Wow.
Thank you, Kim.
Bobby Bucks.
That's pretty hack, right?
But still, that's what I'm going to say.
Bobby Bucks.
Yeah, what is Australian money like?
It's an Australian dollar.
It's just the Australian dollar?
That's not money.
This is money.
Producer Tori Nice.
Now, would you say that's not...
That's not a bill.
That's not a coin.
Nah.
That's not a dollar.
That's not money.
This is money.
That's a good lull right there.
That was a rock solid lull.
I think I was trying to figure out if that was $18, because I think it's about
half.
I was trying to see if she gave a l'chaim.
A l'chaim?
I don't know how much $31 Australian is.
I think it might be around $18 U.S.
But how does that mean?
What do you mean she gave a l'chaim?
Well, like $18 is the chai in Hebrew.
Oh, which all of our audience members know.
I mean...
So we don't need to explain.
No, 100%.
We don't need to explain it.
A Jewish, Hebrew-only audience.
We should do a thing like Hebrews-only tonight.
Only...
Like only fans, but only Jews.
Only Hebrews.
Only brews.
Office hours hebe or something like that?
Office hours hebe.
Oifis hours.
Keeping it cabal.
I love how we're really keeping the show tight.
Like we've been talking about.
There's like a...
You know how a lot of people like to talk about comedy shows?
Like the joke per minute ratio or all that bullshit that I fucking hate.
We should do the...
This show has probably the most tangents per minute of any podcast as my guest,
right?
Maybe not.
Anyway, so...
Thank you to producer Tori.
So yeah, so should we...
Do we want to put up like the studio hotline?
Do we got to do that?
Because we're going to do some stuff.
We got our jingle.
Yeah.
Right?
You got that, Zach?
There we go.
There we go.
Did you know about this football?
Yeah, yeah.
I remember when you requested it.
804-447-8.
Office.
Oh, where's this?
Look, I am.
Yes.
Oh, I love it.
So we are going to have a segment if we get to it.
I mean, listen, we might be doing the show and in about 30 minutes say, you
know what?
We're fucking done.
We're all fucking broiling in here.
So we'll see if we get to it.
But there is going to be a segment coming up later called Stump the John.
We should have called it Stump the Jonathan, right?
Stump the New York Jonathan, where we're going to take audience suggestions for,
what's the
premise, Tori?
Like for songs that I don't know, you have to try to pick a song that you think
I won't
know and then I'm going to attempt to lip sync to a song that I don'