Name: Customer Appreciation Day (Office Hours Live Ep 239)
Uploaded: 2023-02-16T20:33:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Customer Appreciation Day (Office Hours Live Ep 239)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Customer Appreciation Day (Office Hours Live Ep 239)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-16. Transcript available.

Customer Appreciation Day (Office Hours Live Ep 239)

Music
Sure
The pound, the pound, the pound
The pound, the pound
The pounding
Epic, epic, epic
Let's go, let's go, let's go
Let's go, let's go
The pounding
Chalk, chalk, chalk, chalk
It's not pot, it's a clove cigarette
I like having fun
I like to laugh
I like to meet people
Who can make me laugh
I like having fun
Yes, I like to laugh
Good morning
Good morning everybody
Howdy
That is
February 6th
2023
Coming to you live from Glendale, California
Tim Heidecker here, Office Hours Live
Cold is a witch's little tit
Oh, and I never liked that phrase
I don't get it
It's the first thing that came to me
Colder than a moose's ass
Generally, in the winter
And I don't know what it is folks
And I feel like people are going to be saying to me
How dare you
You're living in Southern California
I'm up here in Muskogee
Saskatchewan
You are not the fire
And how could you dare complain about the weather
When it is minus 10 degrees
Or you're living in Brooklyn
You think you're so cool
You're going down there for your cafe latte
Your oat milk fucking bullshit
Blue bottle diarrhea
And it's 10 degrees
Catching that east river wind
Right, man?
Oh, it's the worst
And you're shivering
That's why we left
But it is, truthfully
Getting a cold spell
And the difference is
Now sit down
This fucking infrastructure here
Ain't built for it
I got no insulation
My windows are this thin
And then when you put the heat on
It blows hot air up your ass
She is a super, super, super
Okay
I went to dinner last night
And everybody's outside
Sitting at dinner
With a heat lamp over me
Burnt, singeing my hair
Meanwhile, my fingertips are getting frostbit
My feet are cold
And I just want it to end
And now you're going to hear me
Complaining when it come
Come July
And it's hot as a shitbird
Hot as a little wet
Wet, white
Bird shit
Is it still hot out there?
Out there?
That's the weather report
And I know the guys agree with me
Am I right?
Doug said it
I have them on record say
I think this is the coldest winter
We've ever had down here in California
Yeah, we didn't come here for this cold
Hell no
Is that sun hot or what?
I'll play guess who I had dinner with
Last night
Today
Throughout the show
You can call in with your guesses
Today's
It's an exciting one
I think you're going to be excited
To hear who I dined with
Mano e Mano
Excuse me
Bob Dylan
Mano e Mano
Wonderful
Just a wonderful dinner together
Me and one man
Your dad was in town?
Throw me your best guesses
And I will answer when I feel like it
I should welcome Doug Lusenhopp to the show
He's one of the guests we have
Good horning
One of the members of the Trinity
And Victor Berger the fourth
What's up everybody?
Hooster
Producer Matthew
Hello
Captain Carlin
Hello everyone
And everybody else
I'll take a guest
We haven't talked to
I'm going to bring
If we get Sam the intern on mic
We have a new intern
I don't think we've acknowledged her
Hello
Hello
Are you there?
Yeah
And on camera
Oh good
In the studio
In the control room
Yeah we can hear you
Sam where are you from?
I'm from Philly
Hell yeah
Sorry about them aggles
Yeah it's been rough
It was a tough
I'll give you my analysis
Sit down
There's been an attack
The goddamn South Tower
Has been to hit by
It's fucking 747
Goddamn NAVAC
Flying another one
Into the Pentagon
He's got 69 eyes
From Finland in there
We gathered to watch the Super Bowl
On Sunday
I was deep in recording sessions
With a very good band
I said you know what boys and girls
We're going to come over to my house
I'm going to have a Super Bowl party
That's what we did
We said we got
We done enough tracking for the day
We're going to head on over
Now we got Josh Adams in the band
Drum player
Drummer
Drumist
Great drummer
Maybe the greatest drummer
I've ever worked with
Nice guy
Sweet
Sweetheart
A true sweetheart
True sweetheart
You could not get any finer of a person
Boy is from Kansas City
Aight
We've made a record in 72
3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 81, 83
Mr. Roboto
Okay
Babe
Lady
When you're with me
I'm smiling
And so I said
Listen Josh
Here's the deal
Hey guys
Crypto Dad
Here again
Stop it
Jeez
We're just burning through everything
Well I want to know
Who you ate dinner with
I know
We skipped around too much
Yeah well I'm telling you
You're going to have to
Throw in a guess
You already guessed
Now you lost
I didn't even guess yet
It's not
So
Paul Rudd
No
Good guess
I would easily have dinner with him
You'd be honored
Have you ever had dinner
With this person before
Ah
Terrific question
Thank you
Dinner
Horrific question
I've never had dinner
One on one
I don't know if I've had dinner
Collectively
Potentially not
Okay
I think I definitely had breakfast
With other people
Is this guy a professional
Race car driver
No
Alright
But back to the Eagles
Josh is from Kansas City
There are a couple other people
That were rooting for Kansas City
I said
Come on over
We're not going to judge
We're going to have fun
So it was a nice gathering
Boom
Listen
I thought the game
Was exciting as hell
Sure
I thought
The last two minutes
Were a very weird
Deflating
And Vic was there
He can attest to this
Oh I loved it
Yeah
And he was supporting
The Art Eggles
Sure
As much as I could
I think there were
You know
As we all know
There were a couple minutes
Towards the end there
Where it just feel like
It felt like
It's too bad
This isn't the way
The game should be played
You know
But
I don't know
What do you mean
They weren't playing it right
Hitting it with a baseball bat
There was a flag
That was a holding call
It was a legitimate call
But it really took the game
Into a place
Where it was just like
Well it's basically over
Epic
And then you just
There's no
Climb
It's all anticlimactic
It's anticlimactic
It's like two minutes
Of nothing
And
It was walking around
It was what it was
But everybody played well
Congrats
And I give everybody
And my buddy
My buddy
Travis Kelsey
Of the Kansas City
If you haven't seen the show
Moonbase 8
He appears
Very funny thing
That clip
He spoke
It was a beautiful clip
I sent it to John and Fred
Yeah
He was on a podcast
And he spoke about
His podcast
Just for participating
What's that
Yeah
It's his own podcast
With his brother
And he spoke highly
He was a guest star
On the first episode
Of Moonbase 8
One clarification
He was kind of
Self-depreciatingly
Talking about
What's the name of the podcast
You don't know
Oh boy
Yeah
Doesn't matter
New heights
New heights
And he was saying
Oh man
I was a terrible actor
And I was
I couldn't believe
I was working with these guys
And they were so good
And they were improvising
And having so much fun
And I was like
Struggling to just do one line
He was you know
He was laughing about it
But then he said
I kind of feel like
They wrote me out
In real time
Because in the episode
He doesn't
He dies at the end of the episode
Spoiler
And he was
I'm thinking
He might have been joking
But he was saying
Well
They must have realized
How bad I was
And wrote me out
And I was like
No no no
That was all the plan
You know
The plan was
It was
It's not like
We're making it up
On the spot
Travis
Come on Travis
We gotta bring it back
I am
I am
Bring me in
Is that who you had
Lunch
Breakfast with
Breakfast
Wait is that who you had
Dinner with last night
What are you saying
What are you saying
Breakfast for
I don't know
What are you doing breakfast
When I clearly said
Dinner
I mix them up
Back to Sam
Our intern
Sam
Hey guys
Jeremy Renner
Hello
Our last intern
Whose name was
Olivia
Did a wonderful job
Of providing us
With breaking news updates
I'm going to ask
The same of you today
I need you on the news desk
I got it
Up yours
Woke moralists
Up yours
So anything coming in
Because you know
We keep missing
These breaking news updates
Sure
Not right now
But I'll be on the lookout
Thank you
Shout out to Temple
Temple University
Hooty who
Thank you
We've got you
As a guest
Let's bring in a guest
So no guests today
We've just got a nice
Casual hang
And
They're the guests
They're the guests
You've got to provide
Fun anecdotes
Chris
Chris will be our first guest today
What an absolute honor
Thank you so much
For letting me ask
Oh sorry
Hey hun
What should we put on our walls
What kind of art
How about a painting of a stool
Why
I don't know
That's what the home goods had
Why do they always react
By moving
We bring them up
And then they start moving
I know
I do that all
My wife is working
So I got kicked out
Sorry
Sorry
Show me that
But quickly show me
That stool painting
Okay
What are we
What are we saying
Well he went into
The bunk bedroom
Well we
We don't have to be quiet
He's got headphones
You can't hear us
There's the stool
It almost looks like
Mackenzie
Is it 3D?
Is it an original?
Wait
It's 3D?
Oh the back is fake though
That's fucking 3D painting
I want you to get up on that stool
And sit up there
That looks like
That looks like a squatty potty
For an NBA player
There's a chicken too
Those are cool
Who makes those?
Some guy in Nicaragua
I believe
Okay
Forget the artist's name
The soundings
Where are you calling from?
The Netherlands
Of course
Wait
Are you coming to my show
In Amsterdam?
Absolutely
Yeah baby
Tickets on sale now
Amsterdam's getting pretty full
I think there's a few tickets left
But UK is
There's still a few tickets left
Here and there
And Dublin
And Glasgow
We got timheidecker.com
Slash live
Seeing the two Tims
Very good band
And the no more bullshit experience
The show that took over America
Is now
Going across the pond
For your entertainment
And it'll cost you
I'm not doing these shows for free
Fuck you
Don't fall in a canal Vic
Vic is not coming back from Europe
What?
Tim is coming across the pond mate
I think you're
You're going to get lost over there
Oh I'm totally going to
And then I'm going to end up in a country
That doesn't speak English
Bad news
Wait
What about our caller here?
Bad news for Vic
Is
We're ending the run in Amsterdam
So Vic will go wild in Amsterdam
Go into all those brothels
Oh it's going crazy
And getting weed
Uh huh
I'm going to try the weed
Getting different weeds
And then it's going to be like
Ding ding Vic
Your car's here to take us to the airport
He's like
Throwing up
Yeah
I don't care by that point
Do whatever you want
It's done
Yeah
Get on the Euro rail
And head down to Italy
I might just never leave
I'm just going to move in
Do you smoke cigars?
Amsterdam is great cigars
Vic we got a bunk bed
Oh you got a bunk bed?
Alright
Oh my god look at that
How do you get up to that thing?
You have to step on the stool
Oh there's a little
That ain't no bunk bed
That ain't no bunk bed
I like it
Alright anything else?
Nice use of space
Would you recommend some fucking shit to do in Amsterdam
That ain't just smoking weed
Smoke all day
If you haven't done the touristic stuff
Anne Frank House's
Can't miss
Van Gogh Museum obviously
Yeah it's heavy
It's heavy
Rijks Museum is fantastic
You have a guess on who I had dinner with last night?
Matt Damon
That's correct
Vincent Van Gogh the fifth
No
Alright
Anything else you want to share with us?
Yeah yeah
A couple questions actually
So has anyone
I have a whole list
So has anyone ever been in a fist fight?
Who won?
And is violence ever the answer?
Good question
Very good question
Fist fight?
Never
In fifth grade
I had this kid who like was kind of my bully in a way
Or he would just like pick on me and get me in trouble and stuff like that
He's like my rival in a way
And some other kid
Bigger kid was picking on him
And I stood up for him
You had to step in
I stepped in
Like hey come on man
Come on
I'm in fifth grade
Kid popped me in the face
The other guy
So he won?
He won
Well the other
Yeah that guy won
I ran to the nurse
And cried
And missed like two blocks
Can I say one thing though?
I've never been in a fist fight
Because
I use my elbows and my feet
And I take down my elbow
I stop
Thank you for the clarification
I do a roundhouse
And then I take them down
And I subdue the subject
When I played football
I used to get kicked out all the time for fighting
I would jus