Name: Jamie Loftus (Office Hours Live Ep 240)
Uploaded: 2023-02-23T20:12:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jamie Loftus (Office Hours Live Ep 240)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jamie Loftus (Office Hours Live Ep 240)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-23. Transcript available.

Jamie Loftus (Office Hours Live Ep 240)

Let's get started.
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There's no sound coming out of that. I don't hear anything. Are you hearing
anything? I hear it. Where? It's low in the mix. Low. I'm just basically
hearing the guitar being from your microphone. Just from right from there. Sucks.
All right. Big miss. The big miss. Good morning, everybody. Let me just. Put it
down. Put down the guitar. Put it away. Turn it down. No, I need your hands on
your keyboard. I just got it here. I don't want to mess it all up. I'm all
wrapped in here. I would put it away. Just put it away? Yeah, just put it away.
All right. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. I don't want you noodling
back there. I'm not going to noodle. I promise. How are you not going to noodle
with a guitar in your hand? I'm not going to mess it here. You can't resist. I
couldn't resist. I will. I will. I think you should put it away. Matt, can you?
Matt, can you? It's going to be so fun. Physically taken. All right. Thank you.
All right. Because you can't. All right. Second half. You don't have the
discipline. And let me just say, I don't have the discipline. All right. I know.
I get it. I know what's best for you. I get it.
Let me plug this in my keyboard. Okay. Okay. Okay. How are you? I'm losing it.
Good morning. Put it away. Put everything away. Put everything away. Yeah, but
you're not going to meddle with that so much because it's not in your, it's not
on your body. Right. You're not holding it. I don't know why you want to sabotage
the show. I don't know why. You're such animus. Yeah, I kind of did. Such animus
towards
the show that we do together. That we are partners in. The sabotage. We are, we
are Walmart. Okay. Let me welcome Doug Lussenhopp, who's been a very good boy
this morning.
Yeah, morning.
Doug, you, uh, you've discovered a new feature on your drop machine. I can't
believe it took this long. Yeah, watch what happens.
the jam. Watch my, how my life is going to become more miserable.
Okay, cool. So it now is a true sampler situation. Yeah, I know. I'm playing it
like a keyboard.
Looking forward to more of that business. And Mr. Victor Berger on the keyboard.
I'm still not used to this dumb, uh,
Yeah, we aren't either. I don't like it. There's mic right next to my mouth.
Well, you're the one that, wait, I know. You're the one that wanted it.
I need something hanging. I know. I know what. We get a boom operator.
Yes. And they stay there. And they follow you around and they boom it.
This guy over here. Yeah, that's a good idea. Let me say, I love Doug.
I love, like, he's, and he's just, he doesn't complain.
He doesn't, and he's got that microphone on his face and it's not a problem.
That's true. I know. He's an angel. I got an angel over my right shoulder and a
devil.
I want to be a devil.
You can be devilish. Believe me.
Oh, be a nice devil.
You've been a treat lately.
He comes with ideas. He comes with bits.
And I wish we had some, I wish I had a producer.
I wish I had a producer who could get Vic in line.
Wow.
Smack him around.
Wow.
Smack the back of his head, would you?
I take command it.
I don't touch.
Yeah, I would not touch.
It's fired.
I was going to show you, I'm trying to find the spot.
It's fired.
You know, Vic and I went on the best show this week.
Oh, yeah.
It's fired.
And I wanted to show you Vic's mic position.
Oh, my God.
I was watching it. I was watching it live.
Yeah.
And that mic was, like, drooping.
It was drooping down a lot.
Yeah.
Unusual.
Yeah.
I think they set me up.
Yeah.
Can you talk about your, by the way, your hat?
Oh, it's a mess anymore.
I'm sure the mic was.
But these are extra large bucket hats?
These are extra large.
So I have to, like, yeah, because, like, I ordered them when I had more hair,
and they fit then, but now they don't.
So I take the safety pin.
It's so stupid.
Yeah.
It makes the back look extra weird.
It looks weird.
It looks, should I take the safety pin out?
Just let it be big.
Let's see how it is.
It doesn't matter.
All right.
Let me take it out.
I like the hats.
I also think your hair looks fine.
Really?
Well, thank you.
That's nice of you to say.
Is it any different?
It's better.
Is it better?
Yeah.
I'll keep the safety pin out.
It's not crimped.
It's not crimped.
I was, yeah.
Because I don't see the back of my head when I look in the mirror or anything,
so I don't know.
Take it to the tailor.
Get it hemmed.
I'll get it hemmed.
Yeah.
Get it hemmed.
Get my hat hemmed.
My tailored hat.
Whatever.
This was like a $5 hat.
It's not worth it.
If anybody has a good bucket hat, please mail it to me.
I need a good bucket hat.
I need a haircut, but I'm out of options now.
I don't know who to go to anymore.
I forgot.
I have a card.
Let's see if I still have a card for somebody who cut my hair decently, but I
think I've lost the card.
You know, it's just, I can't get anything going.
I can't get anything normal to happen in my life.
Like, just like, oh, I'll just, oh, is your haircuts on Tuesday?
Just the normal thing I normally do.
No, it's like, it's like life is like starting over every month.
It's like full start over.
Oh, I don't know.
It's not this.
Go to Vic's guy.
Yeah.
Yeah, right.
He has no idea.
I don't even know what this is.
You know what you want him to do?
Bowling.
It's a bowling card for video games.
It's just, I don't know what I have in here.
I don't, I.
You know, I don't know.
Oh, this is, uh, what are this called when you get the sonogram or whatever?
My new baby.
We're having a new, we're having a third kid.
Wait, what?
What?
I'm just kidding.
My new baby.
Not with my original wife.
It's a new woman.
No, your original wife.
No.
We're still together, but I'm having another baby with another woman.
That's fine.
It was not planned.
Nothing, nothing's planned anymore.
I just got into a little, I had a one night stand with this woman.
Very nice.
And we were not careful, whatever.
Your wife is very understanding?
She's not pleased.
She's not happy about it.
Okay.
But I said, hon, I think the right thing to do is for me to be a dad again, be
a father for this new person that's coming.
And so we're going to have another child.
And you get to move the new woman in?
She lives in Davenport.
Davenport, Iowa.
Yeah.
How did you meet her?
How did you meet her?
I was doing a conference.
I remember you flew there for some mysterious reason.
It was a conference.
Yeah.
I was doing a conference on biodiversity, which I've been studying and learning
more and more
about and it was a very, uh, she's also a scientist.
Are you playing, are you, are you doing a show at the, uh, the pro, the pro
abortion thing?
Pro abortion.
Pro abortion show.
Prohibition.
Aren't you really doing it at the lodge room?
Are you going to be at the lodge room?
Tonight.
Yes.
I'll be doing, I'm doing a fucking another show.
God damn it.
You should bring your mistress along.
She's not a mistress.
You're going to bring your guma.
She's not a mistress.
Okay.
She's a nice woman.
She's, you know, we are two consenting adults deciding to procreate.
I begged her to have an abortion.
So cute.
I begged her.
Like Herschel Walker.
Yeah.
You don't hear about that guy anymore.
I'm, that's because he lost.
I'm doing the lodge room tonight for a benefit.
Bro ver, bros.
For Wade.
I don't know what the hell it's called.
Bro v.
Bro v.
Wade.
It's just, you name it, who's going to be there.
Ted, Ted Danson.
Ted, Todd Danson.
Todd Bridges.
Fucking B'dug Benson.
Doug Benson.
Great.
B'dug Benson.
I'm going to change my name to B'dug.
B'dug.
B and then apostrophe D.
B'dug.
Who else?
I don't know who else.
Brian Cranston.
Brian Cranston.
Brian Poseyne.
Crazy conspiracy.
The insane Poseyne.
That's his new stage name.
I'm not in there.
Anyways.
It's going to be shitty out.
Don't go out.
What are you doing?
Don't get to drop in the rain.
It's too dangerous to go out.
We have to introduce our guest, I think.
Oh, shit.
Well, I don't hear that.
How come we don't hear it?
Sorry about that.
Thank you.
I don't know.
Has the audience been hearing that?
Honestly, I had no idea.
Why don't we hear that?
That's weird.
Hear what?
I had a haircut sound effect going, and it was like one of the 3D ones.
Oh, no.
Like all around.
Binaural.
So, yeah.
A little ASMR.
All right.
Well, let me introduce our guest today.
God damn it.
She's here.
You've been hearing her giggle at our antics, and just commented a very big
word.
Just added a big word to the conversation.
Jamie, would you loft us up?
God bless you.
God bless you.
Loft us.
Jamie Loftus is here.
Oh.
Returning champion.
I'm so happy to be here.
Oh, yeah.
I like Vic's Gwen Stefani mic.
I think it's fun.
Thank you.
It's kind of cool.
I just want you to understand, I don't have a problem with it either, but for
him to complain
about it after it was something he wanted to do.
It's my choice if I didn't have to do it again today.
You keep moving it away from your face when you sip coffee.
I keep hearing the inside of my mouth.
Remember when we had those, we were like raised up?
Vic had to buy these $1,000.
Yeah, that was a waste of money.
Sorry, everybody.
Well, you sound good.
Thanks.
You're on a lavalier.
Why don't we just get you a lavalier like me?
There's a lot of mic diversity in the room.
Well, it makes for an unlistenable show.
Jamie Loftus is here.
And so much to get to with you.
You were on the show last year or so, something, but I was not.
This was the show I was not here for, the 9 to 5.
But you have, so it's the first time I'm meeting you.
Yeah.
It's exciting.
It is exciting.
You must have been a fan of mine for years.
It's, well, yes.
Instantly about you.
What?
Instantly goes about you.
Good conversations.
Good conversations.
But Jamie, and this is breaking news here.
Maybe it's not.
It's not.
No.
That's okay.
It ain't no breaking news.
It's, this is old news, folks, but you should know this already.
Yeah.
This book, which you cannot get yet, but I have, called Raw Dog, is a porno
book.
This is Anis Nin style, erotic fiction.
About my family, yeah.
Ooh.
Didn't she do that?
An Anis Nin?
I don't know how to say it.
Do you know who that is?
Yeah.
You know the name.
I think she wrote about her dad.
Annias?
Annias.
She was, her stuff is sexual in nature, you see?
She writes horny little books.
Horny books.
Yeah.
But no, this is the naked truth about hot dogs.
Mm-hmm.
This is a, well, it says uncorrected, advanced copy, not for sale.
This, this is the galley.
Very exciting.
When does it come out?
In May?
It comes out in May, yeah.
Perfect hot dog season.
That's what they tell me, yeah.
Is this the sort of secret history of hot dogs in the world?
Yeah, it's about, summer I went on the road and I met a bunch of people who, I
like went
to small businesses, met hot dog people, met hot dog eaters, followed the weaners,
mobile around for a while.
Uh, yeah, just tried to learn everything about hot dogs.
What is the, uh, conclusion you reach?
Uh, they're pretty dangerous, but I like them.
They're pretty dangerous.
Yeah, well, it's, you gotta, you gotta talk about meatpacking factories.
There's, like, sad sections.
True.
What do you, uh, what's his name?
The Jungle, the author of The Jungle?
Give it to Upton Sinclair.
Upton Sinclair ass, yeah.
Fucking Upton Sinclair caused so much trouble.
I didn't he just let people.
Who is this?
I don't think I know.
You don't know who Upton Sinclair is.
Did you go to school?
Did you go to high school?
What was it?
The Jungle?
The 