Name: Neil Hamburger (guest host), Lizzy Cooperman, Major Entertainer (Office Hours Live Ep 243)
Uploaded: 2023-03-23T19:40:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Neil Hamburger (guest host), Lizzy Cooperman, Major Entertainer (Office Hours Live Ep 243)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Neil Hamburger (guest host), Lizzy Cooperman, Major Entertainer (Office Hours Live Ep 243)' from Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-23. Transcript available.

Neil Hamburger (guest host), Lizzy Cooperman, Major Entertainer (Office Hours Live Ep 243)

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Sounds like a lot of work.
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This is a somber. It's always a somber occasion when I'm invited on. I don't
understand. Why is it somber? Well, I just received word last night around 2 a.m.
producer Matt Carlin, who we can applaud here, called me and said that they had
a crisis and needed me to come in and guest host because apparently Tim Heidecker
and Vic Berger moved to Europe.
Ultramat. And so the show is in shambles. So until they find the new hosts of
the show, I'm going to fill in at least for this afternoon. Maybe they'll pull
the plug on the show entirely because it did seem like you really needed those
guys to make it work. But we do have Doug Pound, DJ. DJ Doug Pound.
Good horning.
What is, does the DJ stand for Douglas John? Douglas John Doug Pound?
Um, yeah.
Never cleared that up. And then also Major Entertainer is also here filling in
for Vic Berger, who I guess has relocated with his family.
And, uh, I guess he's doing a song a little later, is that so?
Yeah, I'm going to sing a song this morning.
Well, I might do a few too.
Probably not.
Um, and you can support the show, I'm told.
I'm told.
You can support the show, I'm told.
And get lots of additional content.
I think that's just Doug, uh, peeling bananas, as far as I know.
It's not, it's nothing you really need.
But if you want it, um, go to patreon.com, that's P-A-T-R-E-O-N, they changed
the spelling recently, dot com, slash office hours live.
Now, if you need, uh, prescriptions refilled, that's www.walgreens.com, and you
can also go there, uh, 24 hours a day, and then you order the prescriptions and
the location near to you, and then you, uh, when the prescription is ready, you
would go pick it up.
And they do have, uh, drive-throughs and things like that.
The drugs do work.
Okay.
Uh, and also...
The drugs do not enhance performance.
I always forget how irritating this is to be here.
I'll go easy on you.
It's literally like you're going mad.
Like an insane asylum.
Well, Major Entertainer brought some gadgets that could be even more hair-raising
than a simple Woody Woodpecker laugh.
Hmm.
Let's hear a sample of Mike.
That's cool.
I mean, why do we need visuals on this?
If it's just a bunch of blips and blurps, why don't we just put those in a big
file and just make it free for download?
Which may be with Tim having moved away.
Maybe that's where this is all going.
We also have, have you guys heard of, uh, uh, N, energy drink, NRG drinks,
energy, NRG, energy drinks?
Is that different than like a, like a Red Bull?
Well, it's similar, but it's, it's, it's, it's an abbreviation for an energy
drink. N-R-G, anybody out there hear of this?
N-R-G, well we have today with us M-R-G, M-R-G, most reliable guest.
And that's the great Lizzy Cooperman.
Well, thank you.
Thank you so much.
God gave me a second chance.
God gave me a second chance to be here on Office Hours.
I was here, I went to rehab, learned how to use headphones.
You went to rehab for this, because of this?
For podcasting.
Because of these noises.
Absolutely.
Did they clean your ears out?
Because this stuff, I swear it leaves gum in my eardrums.
I know, that's why I'm using the large.
Right.
Are you listening to something else and you don't have to hear this?
Yeah.
How can you stand this?
No, imagine every week.
There's a reboot of Gilligan's Island.
We always talk about that, Gilligan's Island, but they're rebooting it next
year.
Get a job there.
Fascinating.
I don't have to hear this.
Intruder.
Neil, have you ever tried coning, where they suck the wax out of your ear
through a cone?
No.
Have you done?
I've heard good things about that.
We did that when I was away.
We did coning.
What did they find?
Did they find any coins?
They found so many coins in there.
Notes.
I had a cupping.
Have you had the cupping?
That's awful.
I have had cupping, yeah.
Cupping is awful.
I've had cupping.
I've had acupuncture of the ear.
Ooh.
Now, when they find the coins, are those from grandpas that didn't get them out?
Right.
When they do the thing?
Oh, the trick, yeah.
Yeah.
Up the nose.
Maybe they preload it for later coin grabs.
Right.
We did all of that.
We did that when I was away.
When I was, I had a winter malaise.
You were working on this pet podcast that you're doing?
Yeah.
Pet care podcast?
I got it.
I got to hear it.
You simply must.
I love pets.
So I'd love to.
You love.
Do you like parents?
I'd love to hear how to take care of pets.
We'll get into that.
Yeah, yeah.
You can offer some tips if we ever get past these noises.
We also have, I guess I'm supposed to promote my own tour.
That's strange because I didn't pay for this commercial.
I guess I have to promote.
So I have a tour.
It's not really a tour.
It's just a collection of shows, but we have it on the screen.
You can't really read it, but that's how we like to do it.
Tokyo.
You're going to Tokyo.
Is this your first time there or have you been there before?
Many, many times.
We go anywhere a laugh is needed.
And how do they, how do they, um, how do they like your act in Tokyo?
Well, they love it.
It's their favorite thing.
I'm about to find out.
Yeah.
And Major Entertainer's going with his noises and blips and bleeps.
Exciting.
Have you been to Tokyo before?
I've been to Tokyo, but I've never brought this stuff.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I think they're going to love it.
I studied Japanese in high school, actually.
How do you say I will have three roast beef sandwiches, please?
Okay.
And then if they have it, they go, hi, skitos.
Hi is yes once no.
Got you there.
Yay.
Chigaymas.
She's for real.
Fact check it.
Glad to be here.
All right, and then also, uh, we, uh, we have Tim, I guess, well, he's in
Europe.
They're doing some of these rock and roll concerts that are also comedy shows.
This is a real variety type of evening, and you need to see it.
You need to be there, and you need to get good tickets.
Sure.
Don't sit in the back.
Sure.
Sit in the front.
Sure.
And, uh, there's tickets to a few shows.
Most of them are sold out.
Uh, there are still a few more tickets to some of the smaller, uh, regional
markets, you know.
Oh, hell no, dude.
And, uh, so get the tickets.
If you're anywhere in Europe, he's not, he's not playing in Greece.
He's not going to be there.
You need to get on the plane from Greece and fly to Leeds or wherever it is
that he is playing
and see the show because this is the closest you're going to get.
I traveled, I've traveled, uh, some 400 miles once to see the four tops from
Greece to Leeds, 400 miles.
So you can do it.
Uh, I don't want to hear any Grecians say, oh, Tim never comes to our island.
Yes, but you need to go to his island when he is in England.
And that goes for all the European countries.
And he also just announced another tour in the United States this summer.
Who's going to go to that?
We're all going to that.
Uh, and you get more info.
Wow.
This is why he moved to Europe.
To get away from this.
It's best to just plow right through.
Well, I can't.
I'm sorry.
I just, I haven't been here in a while and I'm excited to be back.
It's your trigger finger.
Doug, you've got a hot, hot little finger, apparently.
Let's see how fast we can hear some kittens mewing.
Go!
What's mewing?
It's meowing.
Come on.
No, you're treading into my pet care territory here.
No, I don't do a lot of cat stuff, but I got it.
There we go.
What was that?
You went to Tokyo, but you won't come to Burbank for my pet podcast.
I would go on the pet podcast.
Yeah.
I want to give tips to people that are buying these crickets to feed to their
snakes.
Oh, right.
And the tip is, fuck you, because a cricket is a better pet than a snake.
You should be buying snakes to feed to the crickets.
Are you taking those on the road with you?
I don't have crickets.
Oh.
But, Doug, how quickly can we have the sound of an excerpt of a Phyllis Diller
routine?
That's going to be amazing.
She has no talent, but I'm a big fan of the Police Academy movies.
I got Jerry Seinfeld.
You want that?
No, I don't want that.
And he's going to be guest hosting next week.
So, get those tickets at timheidecker.com slash live,
which is also where you can go to get tickets by the reunited band live,
who I guess is selling tickets on his website.
Last time she bought a girdle of US rubber went up eight points.
There we go.
Speaking of that, aren't we going to announce the little game we're going to
play today?
I think we're playing a few games.
We have a whole lot of games.
You know, when you get children on the show, such as myself, you play children's
games.
Yeah, we've got some special games.
Are we even announcing that or is that a surprise?
Yeah, let's let them know.
Sure.
I can announce we get comedy karaoke.
Comedy karaoke.
We've got a special spinning wheel.
Remember Blood, Sweat, and Tears spinning wheel?
Well, that leads into our other game, which actually features the band Blood,
Sweat, and Tears.
And it's a mix and match type of game that we're very proud of.
Oh, yes.
Bands, then and now.
Then and now.
Then and now.
So what we're doing there is we've got pictures of classic, all your favorite
bands,
that are now down to zero original members.
So you have to match the picture of them in their prime with the new version
where there's
a zero member overlap.
So you have to rely on your intuition here.
And that's coming later.
Blood, Sweat, and Tears is, it's really hard to Google now because there's a
song by BTS,
which is a K-pop band called Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
Oh, is there?
Are we playing that or are they?
So they just wiped out all the Blood, Sweat, and Tears searches.
Well, people also look for that when they're looking for something to eat.
Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
Oh, okay.
Or when they're looking for tickets for a Neil Hamburger concert.
Exactly.
And there's a lot of tears, sadly.
Uh, what is this?
Am I supposed to do something?
Yeah, you want to, should we check in with some of the audience, maybe?
Only the positive ones because I cannot take some of the negatives, negative Nellies.
Right, right.
Come on and say, I don't like your show.
You want to talk to the boss here?
Bruce Springsteen?
He's calling himself the boss.
Yeah, I'll talk to Bruce Springsteen.
Boss, are you there?
Can you unmute?
Can I see this boss?
Hey, guys.
Hey, everyone.
Welcome to me here.
You don't look like Bruce Springsteen.
Hey, folks, welcome.
You actually have a goggle suntan.
Were you in a tanning booth?
Yeah, you're right.
That was from, yeah, I had goggles on all day yesterday.
Really?
Yeah.
Where were you underwater?
No, I was above ground.
Oh, okay.
Skydiving goggles?
Like the swimming goggles.
Okay.
Boss, I've got a question for you.
I was just working.
Before you ask, before you, I've got a question for you.
What is it that you have that's so special so that these guys let you talk
without interrupting
with all these noises, yet when the host of the show is talking, it's this barrage
of sound?
And they stopped completely when you showed up.
Are you really the boss?
That is such a great question.
Yeah, that's why I made that my name.
Okay.
I had to establish dominance.
Yes.
Here we go.
Go crazy!
Here we go.
Go stupid!
Go crazy!
Go stupid!
Who cares?
Are you okay, Mr. Hamburger?
Are you having fun?
Uh, yeah, we're working on it.
Okay.
Are you making a sandwich?
Well, no, I got microwavable noodles for breakfast.
Stouffers?
That looks like stouffers.
Wait, what was that?
Yeah, it's pretty, yeah.
It's actually, it's organic, it's organic, microwavable treats.
Why would you cook when you're on this program?
Why would you choose that time to cook your food?
Why don't you cook before or after?
More of his dominance asserting.
Yeah, exactly.
No respect.
Okay, well, that's all I go